AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks for all of your reviews and patience and what-not :) I'm really glad yall are continuing to read and enjoy this story. It's getting harder to write as time goes on because it's getting deeper and deeper into everyone's thoughts and desires, so it's taking me a little longer to post chapters (and plus, college is HARD and makes it hard to do other stuff!). I'm also starting to realize some mistakes I've made in coming up with this story, but I'm working with what I have, and I promise it's gonna keep chugging along. I'm thinking long and hard about the next few plot points, because I will tell you...this chapter did not turn out exactly how I'd originally planned, but I do think that what we learn here needed to finally come out sooner or later. I think you will be pleased! It's a VERY Kendall-centric chapter!
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A night breeze swept tenderly across Kendall's bangs as he and Jo sat on the dark, quiet balcony outside her apartment. As he held her hand in the space between their chairs, he could feel how her nerves were driving her crazy. With one tight squeeze, he settled her down.
On the outside, their date had been near-perfect. El Chaparral was always great, and after, they'd gone for a quick moonlit stroll through the park. They didn't talk much, but words weren't really necessary. All they needed was each other, to know that the other was there. Underneath Kendall's blind euphoria, though, he couldn't stop doubt from slipping in. He held her hand and kissed her to make her smile, but there was an undercurrent flowing through him like a windstorm. He tried to ignore it, but he couldn't.
How long? he asked himself. How long before she forgets...how long before she stops caring again...how long before her heart turns to ice again?
Every single time Jo had promised to "get better," Kendall had accepted it with no question. He'd never given up hope that somewhere inside the cold, cynical Jo, the girl he'd been attracted to in the beginning would still be there, and so any time a glimmer of that girl came through, he would desperately cling to it. See, he needed Jo to be that girl again. No, that girl wasn't perfect. She wasn't everything he needed or wanted, and yes, sometimes he only pretended to be happy with her. But she was the closest thing to what his heart yearned for, and he could love her. No, he didn't love her quite as strongly as he could have, but he loved her just the same, and it was enough love to make him content.
But he tried to cast aside all of his little insecurities. This time would be different. She really meant it this time...she really would follow through. Hollywood hadn't taken complete control of her soul yet, and she could still be the down-to-earth girl from North Carolina that he felt could be good for him...the girl who could make him "normal."
This time would be different.
Like last time? he asked himself.
It's going to be different tonight, he kept telling himself as he adjusted his tie in the bathroom mirror. It's going to be different tonight. Everything's gonna go back to the way it used to be, and she's gonna be the girl I need again.
It was the first week of February, and Jo had been invited to attend an exclusive banquet honoring the best in teen talent. When she'd asked Kendall to be her date, she was somewhat afraid. Yes, he was her boyfriend, but she'd been messing up big time, and she knew it. She'd blown off Christmas with him in favor of partying, and she'd ignored most of his phone calls and texts since New Year's Day. But that was all right. After nearly hitting rock bottom, she knew she could turn to Kendall for comfort. All it had taken was some quiet conversation, a few little promises, and a night of passion, and their relationship was running smoothly again. And this time, she wouldn't let him down again.
"My, my, my, you do look handsome," Mrs. Knight said as she poked her head into the bathroom and beamed with pride.
"Well, I do believe I get it from my mother," Kendall replied with that dimply smile that could wrap anyone around his little finger.
"Oh," Mrs. Knight nodded. "He looks like a million bucks, and he's saying all of the right things. Someone's a proud mama!"
They made eye contact through the mirror, and Kendall could see just how proud she was. Her sincere smile radiated through the entire bathroom, and he knew that sticking with Jo through all of her rough patches was worth it. He never wanted to give his mother a reason to not smile, and being with Jo would ensure that.
"When are you two kids heading out?" she asked. She couldn't resist the temptation to organize some of Kendall's side of the room.
"In about twenty minutes, actually. It starts at eight, so we should get there on time."
"Good."
She straightened the sheets on his bed, retrieving a spare sock or two from under his pillow and tossing them into the dirty clothes hamper in the closet nearby. She continued to put things in their proper places, but Kendall could sense that she was also thinking. He didn't want her to worry, but he knew mothers worried.
"It's nice that you two are going out again," she suddenly said, never once looking up from her impromptu cleaning session.
"We never stopped going out, Mom," he replied defensively. In his mind, it had only been a little break, and he didn't want his mother thinking that he and Jo were on the verge of splitting up.
"Well, you know what I mean. It's been awhile since you've been on a date...or even in the same airspace, it seems."
"She has been working, you know. They've been doing location work for the show, and it's been tough on her," he explained. "And plus, I've been busy with the band and with school, and...it's just tough. It's been hard for us to do anything. But we're back on track now. I promise."
Mrs. Knight looked around and considered her job done for now. Her brain didn't stopped working, though, and neither did her mother's intuition. "I just want you to be happy, that's all," she said warmly as she put a hand on his shoulder. "Really, truly happy. Is that too much for a mother to ask?"
Again with the dimples.
"Not at all," he answered. "But I am happy with Jo. Give us a little time, and we'll be really, truly happy, and you'll have nothing to worry about."
As she hugged him, and as he watched her walk out of the room, he just wanted her to trust him. Why couldn't she see that he and Jo were going to work through whatever problems they'd been having? Why couldn't she understand that Kendall would never give her any reason to worry about him and how he would turn out? The last thing he wanted to do was let her down.
Minutes later, he was waiting downstairs at Jo's door, and he couldn't believe how lucky he was. A fancy schmancy party with his gorgeous girlfriend, and they were both going to put forth the effort to make it work. It sounded so mature, but then, Kendall accepted that maybe he had indeed matured. Well, he was still a kid at heart when he was with his friends, but it was Jo who made him feel like a man.
"Mr. Taylor..." he said in surprise when the door finally opened. He immediately straightened up. "Good evening, sir."
"Kendall," Mr. Taylor greeted. Strict, stern, and overprotective to the core..
Kendall felt pressure to be a "polite young gentleman" every time he was in Mr. Taylor's presence. Fathers were like that, though. They always wanted you to be what they wanted you to be, even if they knew you were really something else.
"Is Jo ready?" he asked as he gulped. His knees started to shake.
"She was ready ten minutes ago," Mr. Taylor said with an ever-so-slight eye roll. "Shouldn't you be on your way to meet her?"
"To meet her?" Kendall asked with a furrowed brow. "But I'm supposed to be meeting her now. Here, I mean. I'm supposed to pick her up so we can go to the banquet together."
Mr. Taylor let out a bored sigh. "Kendall, Jo left ten minutes ago. You're supposed to meet her at the ballroom."
Kendall didn't understand. That definitely wasn't the plan that he and Jo had made...why did she have to change things all of a sudden? What was going on?
Chill out, he told himself. So there's a slight change in the game plan. No big deal.
"Oh...of course," Kendall said. "I totally forgot. It's been...it's been a long day."
"I'm sure it has," Mr. Taylor said sternly. "Please leave now before my daughter gets angry."
"Yes, sir."
Mr. Taylor closed the door, and Kendall started for the elevator. All right, so maybe Jo had to change their plans for whatever reason. That was perfectly fine. No need to be alarmed. He'd meet her at the ballroom, and they'd laugh at his brief moment of confusion. It'd be over, and then the real plan for the night - them being together - would go just as it was supposed to. He couldn't wait to slow dance with her on the dance floor, whispering in her ear and telling her he loved her. Kendall hoped that Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were getting ready to go somewhere themselves because he really needed to be alone with Jo that night...in her room, in her bed.
Just as he reached the lobby of the Palm Woods, his phone started to vibrate in his pocket. A text message from Jo that would no doubt explain everything, of course. She'd apologize for not telling him sooner that they had to leave early, and all would be well.
cant go 2nite. bad flu. dr says it will b 3 days, so im in bed til then. plz dnt come C me...dnt want u to catch it 2. luv u.
Kendall stopped in his tracks and stared at the words. He could feel it starting...the shrinking of his body. It began with his legs, which got shorter, and then his arms.
The first thing he thought was that he had to go back upstairs to her apartment. He knew that Mr. Taylor was very overprotective of his daughter, but did he have to lie to Kendall that way? Why couldn't he just tell him the truth, that Jo was sick and laid up in bed? Why did he have to send Kendall to the banquet alone, knowing full well that they wouldn't have even let him through the door without Jo? What kind of sick joke was he trying to pull?
I have to get to her, I have to see her, Kendall resolved in his head as he went back to the elevator. She's up there, and she's sick, and I can make her feel better.
He tried to forget that he'd seen Jo the previous day and that she had looked nothing at all like a person who was coming down with the flu. He tried his best to put that in the back of his mind and believe her text.
I believe it, Kendall tried to convince himself. I do believe it, because it's true. I believe that I believe it.
The elevator opened. Jo's apartment was at the end of the hall. He needed to believe she was in there, sitting with a bowl of soup on the table and a hot towel on her forehead. He needed to believe that she was different now, that she was back to the way she used to be, that she was the girl he needed her to be. He needed to believe whatever she told him, but he couldn't even bring himself to step out of the elevator. He couldn't even look at the door down the hall. He knew all to well how Jo could tell lies at the drop of a hat and how his feelings could sometimes mean nothing at all to her.
And then the smell invaded his nose like an unwelcome guest. The smell of her perfume. Jo was the only girl in the Palm Woods who wore it, and it was all he could smell in the elevator. That perfume. He tried to believe that she hadn't been in the elevator that night, that she wasn't dressed up and looking beautiful and on her way, at that very moment, to have a good time without him.
He tried to make a million excuses for her, but he couldn't.
She lied. Once again, she lied.
"I can't make your birthday, I'm stuck doing a telethon" had been a lie. "I can't come over for Christmas, we're going back to North Carolina" had been a lie. "My phone's been acting up, that's why I couldn't answer your call" had been a lie. And now, "Bad flu" was a lie, too.
The shrinking continued. He got smaller and smaller. His brain got smaller, and he could feel the hollowness in his skull. He wanted to sit, but there was nowhere to do it. Where was he was supposed to go now? Back home, where his mother would ask him what went wrong? Where he'd have to make up some ridiculous lie just to make sure he didn't let her down?
Or he could walk the streets of LA all by his lonesome, being that guy who was stood up by his girlfriend. Being Jo Taylor's clueless boyfriend who only knew a fraction of what she was really up to while suffering from her "bad flu."
How many times did Jo have to break her empty promises before he accepted that she was more trouble than what she was worth? Was this the price of being "happy" and "normal?"
I'll find another girl, he decided as the elevator closed again and went back down. I'll find another girl. After two years, I see that Jo isn't who I thought she was. That's fine. There has to be a girl out there who is, though. One who is perfect for me...one who is just like...
But how long would it take to find that girl? How long could he wait for her to appear? Before Jo, he'd keep himself busy with one-night stands and girls who didn't really matter, but he was getting too old for that. He was getting too old to be content with just sex. He needed someone who could be with him long-term, someone who could bring out of him the same level of true love that he only ever really felt whenever he was with...
He needed a girl who could make him "normal." And Jo didn't seem to be that girl anymore.
But at this moment, he found it hard to care about being what someone else had wanted him to be since he was a child. He found it hard to want to be "normal" anymore. What did "happy" really mean if trying to find happiness meant being so damn miserable? How could he be happy riding Jo's merry-go-round of emotions? How could he be happy desperately going from girl to girl, knowing the whole time that his heart belonged to...
"Kendall."
It was Logan.
"Kendall, what's wrong?" he asked as Kendall stood still against the wall. Logan rushed into the elevator, pushing the button to go up. "Kendall, are you messing around?"
Kendall just stared at him and his solar system T-shirt. He wanted to do it. Right then, right there. Just say it all and never regret a single damn word. Fuck "normal." Fuck "happy." He was going to make his own "normal."
As Logan watched him peculiarly, Kendall walked across the elevator and took him in his arms. "I love you, Hortense," he said drunkenly.
Logan was caught completely by surprise, and he didn't even know what to do. "Kendall..."
Kendall held tightly to Logan's body...to the body he wanted to never let go of...but the words kept coming in loud and clear.
"You'll never be happy living that way," he could remember hearing. "It's not normal." "You let me down, son." "I can't stay here and deal with this." "You're not my son."
"It's Jo," Kendall said as he backed away, just as Logan was preparing to accept the hug and anything that came with it. "It's Jo. She's...she's sick with the flu."
"Oh," Logan said with an unmistakable disappointment in his voice. "Oh..."
The elevator opened, and the two walked to Apartment 2J, where Kendall retreated to his bed to write in his journal...and Logan sat reading across the room.
Giving up would have been too easy. Kendall Knight never backed down from a challenge, and that's exactly what he saw it as. A challenge.
"It's not normal. You'll never be happy."
It kept on coming back to him, over and over again. But he was gonna prove it wrong. It was hard to fight temptation, but he was going to try, and he was going to win. Too many things were at stake. He had his pride to think about, but he also had his mother's smile. He wasn't going to be the one to take it away from her. His father had already taken so much from her...his father had already taken so much from them both.
He had to believe Jo meant it this time. He needed her more than she could have ever known.
"It's getting late," he suddenly said, breaking a concrete silence. He tried to stand, but Jo's hand was too tight around his.
"Don't go," she said helplessly. "Please stay." She needed him to stay with her tonight. She needed to show him that she really did mean it this time, that all of the other times were just dress rehearsal. She knew he was doubtful. She knew he was always an inch away from leaving her for good, and she wouldn't have been able to bear it.
"I...I can't," he replied, looking at her, but not really. "I have work in the morning."
"Please..," she said. She sounded so pathetic and vulnerable, as if she'd been reading his mind the whole time and knew that everything they had together was skating on thin ice. "I mean...didn't we have a good time, tonight? Wasn't I...wasn't I a good girlfriend tonight?"
"Jo..." he said, not wanting to see her grovel.
"Kendall, I understand," she said. "I know what it's been like for you. I know that you don't like it when I drink and when I get a little...well, when I'm hard to deal with. And I know that sometimes I don't deserve you, but please...you have to know that I love you. Kendall, please...I want to show you how I feel."
Normal.
Happy.
"Okay," he said.
She squeezed his hand and made a crooked smile.
"I love you," she said, "and I mean it this time."
Jo fell asleep not long after they finished having sex. Kendall just lay there in his nakedness, feeling partly like some kind of fool and partly like some kind of fake...but he held steady in his attempts to feel good about wherever they were headed in their relationship. Tonight was just the beginning. He could accept that he was nervous about it tonight. But as the days would go on, he knew he'd get back into feeling good and right with her again. He didn't even want to think about whether or not it would last or how long it would take before he was hearing embarrassing stories about her being drunk off her ass again. He resolved to believe in her, and he resolved to believe in himself. This time would be different.
He kept wondering if this was his purpose in life...to be with a girl who was way too clingy when things were "good" and way too difficult when things were "bad." Was that really the way his life was supposed to be?
He stared forward and casually stroked Jo's hair.
How did I get here? he asked himself.
But he remembered. He could never forget the beginning.
"Okay, now that you boys have washed all of the day's dirt off yourselves, and now that you've stuffed yourselves full of pie and ice cream, it's time for bed. Kendall, are you sure you'll be comfortable on that floor? You know, it's supposed to get wicked cold out tonight, and there's that cot in the attic..."
"I'll be fine, Nana."
"All right," said Kendall's grandmother. "Lights out in ten minutes. You two will have to be up bright and early if you want to go fishing with Grandpa in the morning. Goodnight, boys."
"Goodnight," Kendall and Logan replied. Grandma shut the door, and the two worn-out eleven-year-olds got ready for a night of sweet dreams.
Logan was tucked into the guest bed while Kendall had a makeshift sleep center set up on the floor. In a way, it reminded Kendall of the countless sleepovers they'd have at Logan's house, but this was different because, finally, Kendall could play host. Unfortunately, his shitty parents were always having shitty arguments, so he'd never ask if Logan could sleep over at home, but Grandma and Grandpa's charming little cabin in the woods was perfect.
"Are you sure you don't want to switch?" Logan asked, as Kendall struggled to get comfortable on the cold floor.
"I told you already," Kendall insisted. "You're a guest."
"When you sleep over at my house, you're a guest, and you always take the floor," Logan reminded. "And, besides, it's your grandparents' house, not mine. It doesn't feel right that I should get the bed. Maybe I can get the cot from the attic."
"Logan," Kendall said, smiling. He stood up. "I invited you out here to enjoy the fresh air, the scenery, and the rest and relaxation. Why would I put you on the floor?"
Logan buttoned his lips, finally, but he still had reservations about the set-up. It was going to be cold that night. Extremely cold, even for Minnesota. Kendall would freeze on that floor, and Logan did not want it to be all because of him. He wasn't going to argue with Kendall, though, and they turned off the lights. They had run around the woods all day, even skinny dipped in an ice-cold pond (but only for a minute), so it wasn't long before they were both snoring the night away.
At around midnight, though, the infamous Midwestern chill was working its way through Kendall's body. The floor felt like it was made of ice...the room, even with newly-installed central heating, felt like a meat locker. The first thought Kendall had when he woke up was that he'd somehow fallen asleep on an ice rink, and he was ready to suit up for a game of hockey, but then, once he realized where he was, he just wanted to warm up as quickly as possible.
He looked around, and his eyes immediately settled on the bed. There was definitely enough room for two. Logan was so petite that he barely took up half of it. Without thinking, Kendall gathered his sheets and pillow and climbed into the big, warm, soft bed. He immediately felt closer to Logan. It was uncomfortable at first because they'd never shared a bed before, but within seconds, it felt more right than wrong. He knew Logan. He liked Logan. He loved Logan (as a friend). He trusted Logan. Sharing a bed with him didn't have to be awkward.
Logan stirred a little in his sleep, making a slight gurgling noise. He turned, and, upon seeing Kendall, almost freaked. "Kendall!" he whispered.
"Shh," Kendall warned quickly. "You were right. Way too cold down there. The closer we are, the less we shiver."
Logan stiffened a little, but he moved closer to Kendall...closer...closer...but there was an invisible barrier that he knew he shouldn't cross. Their arms touched, but nothing else did, and Logan could be comfortable with that, but Kendall unexpectedly pulled him even closer, resting his arm on Logan's thigh.
"It'll be our little secret," Kendall joked, punctuated by one of his distinctive laughs.
Kendall didn't know it then, but this smooth move detonated atomic bombs in the mind of the confused, scared, nervous, unsure, uncertain Logan Mitchell, who, at this point, was still nowhere near ready to admit to himself that his feelings for Kendall were more than just friendly.
Kendall knew, however, that there was something pleasant about this experience. Sharing this bed with his best friend. That guy who he'd forced to open up and come out of his shell. That guy who looked up to Kendall and admired him greatly. That guy who clung to him no matter what and was fiercely loyal to him. That guy whose dark eyes would light up every time Kendall came around. That guy was next to him in this bed, and their bodies were touching. He could feel Logan's pulse, his heartbeat. He could feel Logan's breathing, and it felt good. It felt normal.
Kendall turned so that they weren't face-to-face, and they both found sleep again. In the morning, there was a newfound sense of...something...between them. They made eye contact more often, they smiled at each other more often, they let the silences between them last a little bit longer. Kendall couldn't shake the amazing feeling that his friendship with Logan wasn't the same as his friendship with any of the other guys at school. He felt a certain comfort with Logan...as if he could talk to Logan...really talk to him. About his feelings, about the things he wanted to do in life, about his fears. With Logan, Kendall felt like he didn't have to maintain a certain image or reputation, and he'd been waiting for a friendship like that.
At breakfast, the boys sat with Kendall's grandparents and dad, who'd planned the whole weekend just to get away from his wife, at the breakfast table.
"Nana, you were so right last night," Kendall said as his grandma poured his orange juice. "The floor was freezing!"
"I told you so. You know Nana's always right," she replied sweetly and patted him on the head.
"You slept the whole night on the floor?" Sean Knight asked over his newspaper. It was the first thing he'd said to Kendall since the previous afternoon.
"No," said Kendall carefully. It was always a risk talking to his dad...he never knew what the right or wrong thing to say would be. "I got into bed with Logan. There was enough room, so it was alright."
"Got into bed with Logan?" Sean asked in disbelief. Purposely or not, he shot an intimidating look at Logan from behind his morning paper. "Oh God," he continued. "Look, next time, just wake me up. I'll go and get the cot myself if you're too lazy to get it."
"Now, there's no need for that," said Nana. "If the boys can both fit, there's no reason why they can't just share the guest bed again tonight. You'll all be back to the city tomorrow anyway."
"Share the bed again?" Sean repeated incredulously. "Mom, my son is not sleeping in a bed with another guy, okay? That's not normal. What next? They're gonna start talking to each other about their feelings? That's what fags do."
"Hey! Watch your mouth!" Kendall's grandpa surprisingly shot across the table. "We don't talk like that around here, okay?"
Nana shook her head as she poured herself a cup of coffee and finally sat down to enjoy her breakfast.
Kendall could only play around with his scrambled eggs. He'd come to the table with a huge appetite, but it was now gone. His father's criticism always had that kind of effect on him. Sean Knight hated hockey. Sean Knight hated it when Kendall would sing in the shower. Sean Knight hated the supermarket at which Kendall planned to work once he was old enough. It seemed like Sean Knight wanted to impede any and all things Kendall liked or wanted to explore. It seemed like he wanted to take away all of the things that were good and right in Kendall's life.
And, as he watched Logan meekly drink his juice, Kendall felt like he could add another thing to the list.
I'm doing a good job, Kendall decided as he could feel himself getting more and more tired. I'm normal, and I'm going to be happy, and my dad's gonna be wrong. I'm not gonna be a fag, and neither will Logan, and we're gonna prove them all wrong.
He looked down at Jo and felt sorry for her. She was young, too, and she didn't have all the answers. He knew it was unfair of him to pin so much of his drama on her. He could get used to her being clingy, and maybe he could get used to her drinking, too. He could get used to all of her faults if he really put his mind to it, because he just had to prove his father wrong, and he had to show his mother that he could be happy.
But he couldn't stop thinking about Logan. He knew how skeevy it was to be laid up in bed with Jo while his mind was on someone else, but he couldn't help it. He always knew that Logan would have a harder time than he at finding a girl who could...help him be "normal." But Camille had been a good start. She wasn't exactly what Logan needed, though, and that's why they didn't always work. But there would be another girl soon, and she'd be even closer to what Logan needed. Kendall would make sure of that. And in the end, it would be Kendall and Jo, happy and normal...and Logan and his new girl, happy and normal. And Sean Knight would be wrong. Those awful kids in middle school who whispered behind their backs...those kids would be wrong. Everyone who'd ever made it their business to define the limits of Kendall and Logan's friendship would be wrong.
But Kendall knew. He had his instincts, and he knew his heart and mind. He knew that Jo could be the perfect girlfriend. He knew that Logan could find just the right girl for himself. It still wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't change a single damn thing.
Kendall tried to let the knowledge escape him as he planted a kiss on Jo's forehead and closed his eyes to fall asleep, but it taunted him. It taunted him even worse than any statements about being "normal" and "happy" could have ever taunted him, because he knew that it was true, and he knew that - despite his willingness and determination to "fix" everything - this was something that he could never fix, ever.
I'm going to love him for the rest of my life, he finally allowed himself to think. I'm going to love Logan for the rest of my life. Nothing I can do will ever change that.
But I can try. Because Jo means it this time...she really means that she'll be good, and I'll be able to love her just as much as I love him...because she means it this time.
NOTE: It's ALL OVER THE PLACE in some parts, I know, but I think it was time to just establish this. Kendall loves Logan, damn it, but he thinks his mother would be disappointed and he KNOWS his father would be. Such a pity, isn't it? I wanted to spend more time building up to this revelation through doing more flashbacks from Kendall's POV, but all of that is going to come soon. It just got hard to write Kendall's thoughts while trying not to come right out and say that he has feelings for Logan. After TEN whole chapters being set over the course of just two days, though, Chapter 14 is going to skip ahead a few days to move on to the next strand of action. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)