AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, I just had to post this. This really DOESN'T have any plot movement, but I feel it's very necessary. Now that we know that Kendall returns Logan's feelings, we have to find out why he feels the way he does, how long he's felt that way, how he feels NOW, and why he hasn't said anything about it. This was already written a long time ago, but I didn't know where I should put it in the story, but I figure this is a good spot. I didn't want to keep going without explaining everything from Kendall's POV, because I didn't want this to be too one-sided towards Logan. And uh yeah...I've realized and accepted that I use the various forms of the word "feelings" way too much. Might as well name the story that LOL. But anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing Chapter 13! 100 reviews! Also, check my profile for a bit of information about stories I hope to write in the future.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Falling in love with Hortense Mitchell had never been the plan. In fact, it had been the furthest thing from the rambunctious nine-year-old Kendall's mind. No, he'd thought that he would just be nice to the kid...just show him that not everyone in their elementary school was a jerk. And plus, he really did need someone to help him with math.
But there was something about the little big-headed, bifocal-wearing, knobby-kneed dork that appealed to Kendall. His interactions with Hortense were different from his interactions with all of the other kids. It hadn't taken long for Kendall to see that most of the other kids were somehow wrapped in plastic...as if who they were on the outside was very different from who they were on the inside, especially when they were around him. Because Kendall was a fairly sociable person who was good at sports, the other kids had considered him "cool." And for whatever reason, whenever they were around him, it would feel like they were all trying to mimic everything he'd do and say. They all wanted to be him...and it drove him crazy. None of them had realized that the best way to win Kendall Knight's friendship was by just being yourself.
But Logan had been different. It had never seemed like he was putting on a show to impress people. He was who he was, and he was most definitely a dork. But the fact that he'd owned that - he'd shamelessly raise his hand to answer all of the teacher's questions in class, he'd merrily play all by himself in a corner of the playground at recess - without trying to "fit in" with the crowd sort of made him not a dork. Young Kendall had noticed that, and young Kendall had liked that. In a way, Kendall had envied Logan. He could be himself without feeling pressure to maintain a certain image. Kendall had sort of gotten fascinated with the kid, and that was why he'd decided to strike up a conversation with Logan on the first day of fourth grade, and it was why, no matter what silly, crazy, weird, dorky things Logan wanted to do...Kendall would gladly join in.
"Do you think this is enough?" Kendall asked. God, he hoped it would be enough. He didn't know how many more rocks he could carry.
Logan carefully inspected the pile of stones in the grass. He picked up a couple to examine their sizes, shapes, and colors. He stepped back to take in the sight of the whole collection, and, with the most serious face ever, he nodded. "This should be satisfactory."
They picked up as many rocks as their fourth-grade arms could hold and hauled them across the park. It was hotter than usual that day, and they were both covered in sweat and dirt and grime, and their mothers were certainly gonna have a hard time getting them clean that night, but the boys didn't care. They were on a mission, a life-or-death mission, and they couldn't compromise their safety for the sake of staying neat and tidy. They were warriors.
They came upon a tall statue of a pioneer woman dressed in nineteenth century clothing. Her hands were stretched out as if she had absolute power over the entire park, and her almighty position served as the basis for Logan's imagination.
"Your royal highness," Logan pleaded as he and Kendall desposited the rocks at the base of the statue, "we humbly beseech thee! We humbly...we humbly beseech thee and ask if we've provided adequate riches for your royal majesty. Are our findings worthy of her majesty's kingdom?"
Logan dramatically threw himself down to his knees as the exhausted Kendall wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. Logan looked up at him with a expectant stare.
"What?" Kendall asked.
"If you want your freedom, then you must take to your knees!"
Kendall shook his head. He looked around. There was a group of girls standing by the water fountain, and they were all pointing and laughing at Logan. Kendall wanted to just abandon the little dork right there on the ground, but he looked back at him, his poor little body so seriously wrapped up in the role-playing game he'd come up with all by himself. Kendall suddenly had it in him to slump down to his knees alongside Logan and reach up for the queen's mercy.
"We beseech thee, we beseech thee," Kendall repeated restlessly. He could hear the girls' laughter get louder.
They waited...and waited...and waited. Logan leaned into the statue with listening ears.
"Well?" Kendall asked. "What is she saying?"
"Shh!" Logan hissed. "We must listen!" He leaned into the statue a little more, trying his hardest to hear her words. He began to nod slowly, and then...
"We did it! We did it!" he yelled, jumping up and down. "We've pleased the queen, and she has granted us freedom! And now, countryman, our spirits having flown, we must present a freedom dance!"
Kendall was so tired and run down from a whole Saturday of play, and, really, a part of him had to stop and wonder what in the hell he was even doing. Finding rocks and bringing them to a statue "queen" to earn his "freedom?" What the hell? Who did shit like that? Logan did, that's who, and Kendall couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed for the bespectacled kid as he danced around in circles like he was having a seizure. He looked like a fool, a plain and simple fool. But he looked like a happy fool, a fool who was having the most fun he'd ever had in his life. Kendall couldn't stop himself from hopping to his feet and joining Logan in the merriment.
Screw them, he thought as he began to flail his arms about and gyrate his hips. I'm gonna dance my ass off.
A big smile came across Logan's face. "Yes, countryman! Let us dance and be gay together!" he announced.
"Wait, what?" Kendall asked, freezing in place.
Logan stopped and broke character for a milisecond. "It means 'happy,'" he clarified.
"Oh."
And they continued to dance and dance. Every few moments, Kendall would glance at those laughing girls, but he didn't care. He even poked his tongue out at them. Because while they were nine-year-old girls standing around, trying to be pretty and trying to be "cool," and waiting for the attention of ten-year-old boys who didn't care about them, Kendall was celebrating his freedom. The freedom Logan had helped him find.
Their friendship was an intense one. In the beginning, their days would be filled with grasshopper-cutting, long division-solving, and queen-beseeching, but as they'd grown older, so did what they meant to each other. Their connection developed into something much deeper than what the average pair of pre-teen guys would have. Kendall wasn't always the tower of strength, and Logan wasn't always the weakling who needed to be saved. Sometimes, just sometimes...the roles were reveresed.
Kendall didn't know what he was going to do. His father had told him a hundred and one times to be careful around the car. It was a red 1964 Ford Mustang in mint condition, and Mr. Knight had been working on restoring that car since before Kendall was even born. In a way, he was more proud of the car than he'd ever been of his children.
And now, today, Kendall just knew that his father was going to kill him. He and Logan had been out riding, and when Kendall was rolling his bike back into the garage, he hadn't been paying attention like he should have been, and SCRAPE. The front tire of his bike scraped against the driver's side door. Kendall could have fainted right then and there.
"Maybe he won't notice," Logan tried to comfort him as they took refuge in Kendall's room. Mr. Knight would be home - in his other car, because for whatever reason, he needed two - from work at any minute.
"Logan!" Kendall exclaimed. "It's a Mustang! He's been working on that car since...since forever! He's going to notice!" He fell back onto his bed and stared miserably at the ceiling. "And I'll be dead at twelve years old..."
Logan sat on the edge of the bed and looked on helplessly as all of the strength he'd been so accustomed to associating with Kendall just collapsed. "Maybe it won't be that bad. What's the worst he can do? Ground you?"
Kendall fell back onto his bed and stared miserably at the ceiling. "He cares about that car more than he cares about me. I'm not normal, so why should he care about me anyway? He always says I'm a screw-up, that I'm never gonna be anything in life. I'm just proving him right."
"Kendall..." Logan said, but he didn't know what he could really do or say to make it better.
"Last week, we got into a big fight because he thinks I spend too much time playing hockey," Kendall continued. "I told him that the only reason why I play hockey so much is because it means I can get away from him! And you know what he started calling me? He started calling me 'Kendumb.' Imagine that! This guy's supposed to be a big and bad lawyer, and he's supposed to be super-smart, but he doesn't even know that you're not supposed to call your own kid a dummy! I mean, I know I am, but he doesn't have to call me that!"
Kendall felt a little nervous about baring his soul to Logan this way, but a part of him didn't care. This was Logan. Logan wouldn't make fun of him for having feelings...Logan wouldn't go to school and tell people that he'd seen Kendall Knight whine like a baby. Logan would just...he'd just be Logan. He'd sit there and listen, and he'd use his smarts to try to make Kendall feel better. He wouldn't actually do anything, but his presence would be enough.
Of course, Kendall's horror was steeped in more than just a ding on his father's car. There was a reason why he hadn't been paying attention when he was wheeling his bike into the garage. His eyes had been diverted...he'd been concentrating on something else when he should have been concentrating on the Mustang. He'd been checking out Logan...and Kendall knew that he wasn't supposed to be looking at guys that way. Especially not Logan, his best friend.
But he couldn't help it. In the three short years that they'd been friends, Logan had changed, and in a very good way. He was no longer the wimpy little dork he'd been in the fourth grade, nor was he the extremely shy, extremely self-conscious guy he'd been when the two of them had skinny-dipped at Kendall's grandparents' pond in the fifth grade. They were twelve years old now, and of course, they were only at the beginning of puberty, but still, relatively speaking, Kendall had noticed the way Logan's body had changed.
He noticed that Logan had gotten a bit taller - not as tall as Kendall, but he finally stopped looking like a kindergartener - and he noticed that Logan's skinny little arms and legs were starting to develop some manly shape. Kendall proudly took credit for that, what with his constant insistence that Logan join him on the ice. Most of all, though, Kendall noticed that Logan smiled more than he used to...and Kendall took credit for that smile. Every time that pretty grin would come across Logan's face, Kendall knew that he was the one who had put it there.
And he noticed the way Logan had loosened up, the way he didn't always expect the worst out of everyone and everything. Logan laughed more often, and he'd socialize with people at school (those who were not assholes, at least), and Kendall found so much joy in watching this guy's social butterfly finally come out of its cocoon. It made him so happy to see Logan be happy, and Kendall wanted to make sure Logan would be happy for the rest of his life.
And all of those good feelings...all of those positive vibes...they made Kendall look at Logan differently. They made him want to do things to Logan that he knew he wasn't supposed to want to do with another boy. He wished he could have just...maybe, just once...kissed Logan. Not the way he'd kiss girls when teachers weren't looking. He kissed those girls because he felt he had to - had to keep up that "cool" image, had to give his parents something to be proud of - but he wanted to kiss Logan simply because...he wanted to. He'd sometimes feel an urge to just...touch him...hold him...and kiss him. He wanted to see how he'd react...probably with that goofy little grin...maybe with hesitation as he accepted Kendall's love and returned it...and they'd be joined together forever by the delicate meeting of their lips.
But that would make him a fag.
But that's not "normal."
It would make his father hate him even more.
The thought of that disappointment made Kendall's heart hurt even more, and he began to cry.
"Kendall," Logan said gently as he moved closer to Kendall's tearful face. "Kendall..." He put his hand on Kendall to calm him...put his hand right on Kendall's chest, and he could feel the heavy, heavy pounding of his heart.
Kendall felt the hand, and he slowly placed his own hand on top of it. He wouldn't dare open his eyes though...looking at Logan, and feeling his touch...Kendall didn't know how he would have responded to that. But fuck...he just wanted to kiss him. Just once. Just to see how "not normal" it was...just to see if it wasn't normal at all...just to see what it felt like...just to show Logan how much he cared...
But then they heard the front door slam.
"Kendall! Where the hell are you?"
It was Mr. Knight, and he was pissed. His footsteps sounded like bomb explosions going off all throughout the house. The sound of his keys rang out like breaking glass. Kendall had heard the sound before...he knew what it meant, and he knew what it would lead to. The fightful anticipation made him push Logan's hand off of him.
"Go," he said, his voice shaking. "Just go before he comes in...please...don't stay..."
"Kendall...what is he going to do to you?" Logan asked fearfully.
"Just go, Horty, please..."
But Logan didn't move. He just stood there, his eyes trained on Kendall's, as they both heard Mr. Knight get closer and closer to the room until the bedroom door opened.
"What did you do to my car?" Mr. Knight asked Kendall. His voice was calm but full of a controlled anger. He began to descend upon Kendall's bed. "Huh? What did you do to my baby, you little bastard?"
Logan started to heed Kendall's warning and head for the door. It was like Mr. Knight hadn't even noticed him in the room. But then he looked at Kendall, who was now shaking in the bed, clutching the sheets and digging the heels of his feet into the mattress.
"Answer me, boy!" Mr. Knight boomed. "Open your eyes and face me like a man! If you are one."
When Kendall didn't respond, Mr. Knight reached for one of the hockey sticks propped up against the wall. Kendall flashed his eyes open, and, upon seeing the stick held above his body, he began to wimper. He didn't want Logan to see this...he didn't want their friendship to be over in this one minute. He didn't want Logan to be so traumatized that he'd never want to be around him anymore. And, for Kendall, the thought of losing Logan was like...well, it was worse than any physical pain Mr. Knight could have given him.
But then...
"It was me!" Logan suddenly yelled, surprising everyone in the room, including himself. "It was me! I did it! Not Kendall! Please, Mr. Knight, you have to believe me!"
"You?" Mr. Knight asked dubiously. "You!"
He lowered the hockey stick slowly, dropping it to the floor. He looked at Kendall, whose eyes were now wide open, and whose body was no longer shaking. He looked back to Logan. A creepy smile appeared on his face.
"Get out of my house," he sneered. "Get the hell out of my house, and I don't ever want to see you here again! You got that? And tell that dad of yours that he's gonna be getting a bill from my mechanic!"
Kendall watched as Logan nodded nervously and uncontrollably and then left the room. He was in awe...in complete and total awe. He never would have ever guessed that Logan would have done something so brave...so courageous. And all for him...Logan had done it all for him. Oh, how he wanted to hold him tight and never let him go and tell him that he...that he...loved him? Was it love? Did he love his best friend? He didn't know. He didn't care. He just wanted to be with him forever.
Mr. Knight kicked the hockey stick against the wall. "Tell that sissy that I meant what I said," he said as he went for the door. "I don't want him around here anymore, and I don't want you at his house. Let him fag up somebody else's son."
Kendall didn't move, even after his father was out of the room. So many times...so many times he wanted to know if Logan felt the same way...if it was wrong that he wanted to just lay down with him and fall asleep with him and stay that way with him forever...but every time he was ready...every time he got up the courage to say something as simple as "Logan, I think you're beautiful"...
He'd remember the sound of his father's voice.
Even now, six years later, Kendall still heard his father's voice...and he felt the bruises all over his body.
A week and a half had passed since Kendall's date with Jo at El Chaparral. Ten long days. Thank goodness Gustavo and Kelly had returned, because if it hadn't been for the hours and hours and hours of work, he didn't know how he would have survived. Ironically enough, Jo actually had to go to Hawaii to actually do publicity, so as much as Kendall wanted to cling to her and use her current resolve to "be a better girlfriend" to keep his mind and body occupied, he had to settle for phone calls and text messages.
But Kendall was strong. He knew what he had to do. Yes, he'd made a promise to always be there for Logan when they were kids, but he also had to draw lines...he had to stop himself from going too far. And so he stopped many of the habits he had gotten himself into. Whenever they'd practice the love songs for Gustavo, he would no longer sing to Logan (he'd done it by accident once, and no one had seemed to notice, so he kept on doing it - he needed to relieve that Logan love some kind of way!). He never made Logan's bed again, and he didn't even think about serving him breakfast. Whenever they had off time, he'd go to the beach alone, and at night, he had to force himself from going over to Logan's bed for a late night chat. With Jo gone, and with all of his feelings for Logan suddenly fresh in his mind, Kendall didn't know if he would have been able to keep himself from pushing the smaller boy over and getting under those covers and taking rightful ownership of his place in Logan's arms.
Kendall knew that Logan felt the same way. He just...knew. He knew all of the little things he did that made Logan love him even more, too. He knew what throwing his arm around Logan did...he knew what spending an entire day alone with Logan did...he knew what beating the crap out of anyone who messed with Logan did (though he also knew that Logan wasn't always approving of this - but Logan understood why Kendall had such a violent streak). He knew that Logan had tried many times to just tell him that he loved him, but every time, Kendall would hope and hope that he'd get scared and not say anything.
So yes, Kendall knew, and he knew all along, but he would never say anything about it, ever. Sometimes he felt horrible about it...absolutely terrible, and for good reason. Here was his best friend, this guy that he'd promised to defend for the rest of his life, and he was denying this guy of the one thing he wanted more than anything else in the world.
Not that it was any easier on Kendall. He loved Logan...oh, how he fucking loved that kid. Everything about him, too. In the morning, Logan would walk around like a zombie, searching around for clothes to wear, for the toilet so he could pee, for his toothbrush, for his shoes. Kendall could have just helped him, but he wouldn't dare deprive himself of the adorableness that was Logan's morning routine. Kendall loved the way Logan ate. Carefully controlled bites, always 32 chews of everything. Something he'd read in a book, Kendall figured, but still...so adorable. And the way Logan looked when he read...in bed, by the pool, on the couch...no matter where, he always looked so smart, and so important, and so...perfect.
Kendall felt like a little girl with a crush whenever he'd think about Logan, but he just couldn't help it! The way Logan would get totally into talking about the environment or the inner workings of the human body...the way Logan would hit those unexpected high notes in the studio...the way Logan would always take time to get a picture with every single fan who wanted one at their concerts. Kendall just...loved that kid.
And at night...at night, Kendall would lie awake in bed...just wanting him. He wanted Logan to be next to him...he wanted Logan to be on top of him...he wanted to be on top of Logan...and he wanted to be inside Logan. He wanted to grow and mature with Logan the same way they'd grown and matured from little boys into young men. Kendall dreamed of discovering all of the magical things of adulthood that he felt they were both ready to explore. Never mind the fact that he'd already had sex with Jo. That didn't matter. It was nice. It was trashy sometimes. It was sleazy. As far as sex went, it got the job done. But it didn't really matter because it wasn't Logan. And it would never ever matter because it would never be Logan...because Kendall, under all of his bravado, was still the little boy who was scared of getting hit by a hockey stick.
But Logan had to understand why they couldn't be together, right? Logan had to understand why Kendall couldn't be that way, why he had to be "normal," right? And didn't Logan want to be "normal," too? Hadn't Logan's father issued warnings through the years that if he ever found his son laid up with another guy, he'd disown him?
Yes, Kendall had decided so many times. Logan doesn't want this any more than I do...he's just as scared as I am, and he wants to be "normal," too. He doesn't want to have to deal with being different either.
With Camille gone, Logan was left without anyone to focus all of his attention on, and if he sat around and let those feelings just get pent up, Kendall knew what would have happened. And that's why Kendall was set on getting Logan a girlfriend. Hell, it worked for Kendall. Well...it did most of the time. Jo wasn't perfect, but she was good enough. When she was sober. And when she wasn't being a bitch. And when she wasn't being self-centered. But she was just a sweetheart all other times.
A lifetime with Jo...for what? Just so that he didn't have to see the disappointment in his father's eyes? Just so that he didn't have to run the risk of losing his mother, too? Just so he didn't have to deal with all of the things being gay in America meant dealing with?
I have to prove him wrong, Kendall would remind himself, mantra-like. I have to prove him wrong, I have to show him that I am normal, that I will be something, that I will have a happy life, and that I'm not what he says I am.
And as for Logan? He'd be okay. He'd be able to repress all of his feelings the same way Kendall could, and he'd be okay. Not that Kendall fully believed that...but he had to if he wanted to keep his sanity.
Kendall got up from his bed and walked over to the window. A bright, beautiful, perfect, amazing, lovely, flawless Saturday afternoon. And to top it all off, Jo would be back from Hawaii the next day.
They tried to keep in contact as much as possible during her absence from California. They'd get on the phone and talk for hours. Jo would tell Kendall all about what was going on in the islands, and Kendall would update her on the usual Palm Woods action. Sometimes they felt like brother and sister, but...as always, Kendall had faith in her, and she "meant it this time."
Ugh.
"I hate my life," Kendall said as he fell back onto his bed.
"I would, too, if I was in love with my best friend and was too chicken to tell him..."
NOTE: Hmm...now who just randomly shows up and already knows exactly how Kendall feels? It's probably exactly who you expect!