AUTHOR'S NOTE: Wow...a whole week's gone by without a chapter :( Well, here's a new one! It was gonna be longer, but I had to decide between giving you guys a long chapter later or a shorter chapter now, and I figured you'd rather have something now! Unfortunately, I can't say exactly when the next update will come, but I hope it won't be too long! This one is alllllll Kendall and Logan, and it might get a little confusing in some spots, so if it's crap, please let me know, and I'll think about rewriting it! Thanks for all of your reviews!

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The waves were coming in slowly, and the sun was setting into the limitless frontier known as the Pacific Ocean. Kendall stood in the water, letting it roll over his feet and lap up at his ankles, and Logan sat back on the beach, aimlessly fidgeting in the sand. Two young men with so many things on their minds and so many things they wanted to say...

Kendall often felt like a man with two hearts. Or maybe it was a dozen hearts. It always seemed like he was being pulled in a million directions, with obligations to give his all to each one. Ever since his father had left, he'd felt responsible for his mother's happiness, and he never wanted to do anything that would make her upset (though, being a teenage boy, he sometimes found it hard to keep this up). He took care of his little sister when she needed him, but with Katie, that was rare. Still, Kendall knew that his role as big brother was one that came with many duties, all of which he carried out willingly.

Even though his father was no longer in his life, Kendall still felt an innate need to please him, too. Maybe it was less about pleasing him and more about proving something to him and getting the last laugh. Kendall wasn't sure of the reason, but he kept Sean Knight's harsh words and harsher punishments fresh in his mind as motivation to be successful in life.

He also had responsibilities as the leader of Big Time Rush. He was the bridge between Gustavo and the boys, and he was the one who did all of the negotiating. When the others were too chicken to speak their minds and put their boss in his place, it would always be Kendall who'd step up and let him know what was what. Sometimes he wished the others would grow a pair and do their own bidding, but at the end of the day, they were his best friends, and if they ever needed his support, he'd give it to them with no problem.

And then there was Jo. He cared about the girl, he really did, and even through her periods of out-of-control behavior and unable-to-deal-with personality, he knew that deep inside, she was screaming for the love and affection and attention that she had never gotten before. He had promised to give her those things as much as he could for as long as she would accept them, but was his devotion to her really fueled by that type of fierce, unyielding teenage love that had sent many a heart aflutter throughout history?

I can't hurt her, Kendall thought as he dug his toes into the sand. If I break her heart, she's gonna lose it...she's gonna do something crazy, and it's gonna be all my fault...

But what about Logan? Years ago, Kendall had promised to always be there for him, too, and to never let him down for as long as they both should live. But now he was coming off a week of doing just that. Letting Logan down. Whenever Kendall would get in over his head trying to juggle his feelings for Logan with his feelings for Jo, it seemed as if Logan would always get the short end of the stick, but maybe that was just the nature of Logan's personality. Whenever Jo needed Kendall's love and attention, she'd do what she had to do to get it from him. The date at El Chaparral followed by a night of sex was the perfect example of this. But Logan was different. Kendall would apologize for being a lackluster best friend, and Logan would just accept it...no questions asked, no grudge held, no cold shoulder. He'd always give Kendall the space to make his own decisions and be his own person, which was more than what could have been said about most of the other people in Kendall's world.

Kendall knew Logan deserved much, much more than what he'd been giving him through the years. He deserved to know that he was worth being fussed over, that he was worthy of attention and love and sweetness. He deserved to know that he had earned Kendall's love and would always have his heart. Kendall knew that it was up to him to make Logan realize all of these things, but shit...it was just too hard. Kendall had gotten quite comfortable with the situation as it was. He and Jo would have problems...he and Logan would get close to the edge of desire...and he'd use all of his strength to get past it. But every time the cycle started over, Kendall found it harder and harder to be strong.

He wondered if it would be so bad if he just told Logan the truth. He would tell him, and they'd work hard to fix each other. They'd be able to move part the little feelings they'd been having for each other, and they'd be "normal."

But Kendall wasn't clueless, and he definitely couldn't fool himself, as much as he tried to. He knew that it would never be as easy as, "Hey, Logan, yeah, I kinda love you, and I know you love me, but it's cool, we'll just fuck lots of chicks until we're straight, because you know...I'm a weak little bitch who's still scared of crap my dad told me when we were kids, so yeah...as much as I'd really love to...you know...be with you forever and ever and ever...I can't, because I'm a wimp, so yeah."

And Logan would just be like, "Sure thing, Kendall! Let's find some vaginas!"

Ha. That would never happen, and Kendall knew it. He knew that the second he told Logan that their feelings were mutual...that would just be it. There'd be no more words. There'd be no attempts to change nature. There'd be no goofy joking meant to mask the deep, deep feelings they both had. No. There would be eyes. Intense, piercing eyes. Green. Brown. And there'd be this overwhelming sense of freedom...freedom to give into all of the things that they'd been repressing for years. And it wouldn't be long before they'd be touching each other. They'd hug. They'd hug so tightly...and Kendall would take Logan's little body in his arms and he'd never want to let go. And then they'd kiss. Their lips would meet, and their tongues would touch, and...and Kendall knew that he would have never been able to walk away from it. The very thing he'd been wanting for so long but had convinced himself he wasn't supposed to have. How could he turn that down? How could he tell Logan the truth and then just go on as if Jo was a good enough replacement? How could he go on ever thinking that anyone could ever replace Logan?

And then after they'd kiss...they would lie down together...and they'd continue to touch...and they'd whisper so many things into each other's ears...and they'd make love. Sweet, passionate love that would feel like eternity.

And would Kendall really have the strength to tell Logan that it could never happen again? Would he really be able to say that it was only a one-time thing, that they just had to get all of the urges out of the way before they could move on to their "normal" lives? Would he be able to look Logan in the eye and say, "No, we can't be together"?

Never.

He looked back at Logan, who had buried his own hand under a mound of sand.

I'm hurting him, Kendall thought. I'm hurting him more and more every day...he needs to know that I love him. I can't tell him how I really feel, but I have to show him that I still care...that I haven't forgotten about him or my promises...I have to cheer him up and show him that we'll be happy one day. I have to keep being his best friend, because it's the least I can do.

But as Logan sat in silence, stealing glances at the guy he loved, all he could think about was his own weakness. Here he was, again, failing to do anything at all to "get over Kendall." It had been his idea. No one had given it to him, no one had convinced him to do it. He'd decided to get over Kendall. That was his choice. But here they were on the beach at sunset. Definitely not the best atmosphere in which to fall out of love with someone. Once again, Logan's heart had gotten one over on his mind, and, once again, he felt like he'd never find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just being with Kendall stirred up all kinds of crap in him. Part of it felt like paradise. Just the two of them in silence with the slow California sunset lighting up their world. They didn't have to speak. They didn't even have to look at each other. Just being there together was more than enough to fill Logan up with so much love for Kendall. But that love made him hate himself. Where was his self-control? Where was his ability to let go of the things he couldn't have? Why couldn't he say goodbye, once and for all, to this crush he'd been harboring since he was a kid?

Obviously, there was an error in the system. He couldn't possibly "get over Kendall" as long as he was living with him and working with him and sharing a bedroom with him. He couldn't just stop loving Kendall if they were always just minutes away from a big, beautiful sunset and the deep, blue sea. He had to get away. That was the only way this could work. It wasn't like he'd ever really wanted to be famous anyway. He'd always wanted to be a doctor, and Kendall had known that before Logan himself.

I'll talk to Gustavo and Griffin, he reminded himself. I'll tell them that I can't stay, that I have to go...that I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. They don't have to know why. And by the end of the summer, I'll be back home, and I can forget about the whole thing. I won't even think about Kendall anymore.

But every time he would pass the Knights' old house? And every time he'd see their old school? And the supermarket at which Kendall used to work? Everywhere he'd go, there'd be memories of Kendall. In the sweet smell of the Minnesota air, in the soft sounds of snow falling on the ledge of his bedroom window, in the feel of a crisp autumn day, and in the taste of creamy hot cocoa as it warmed his insides...Kendall would be there, in every single part of it, and Logan would never be able to forget him..

I don't care, Logan said to himself. I don't care. It's better than being here with him every single day. And if I go back to Minnesota, he can focus on himself and his life, and he won't have to keep worrying about me.

Yes, the thought of going home was getting more and more attractive, but Logan was aware of the pain associated with going back and being alone while Kendall was miles away. It didn't matter, though...he had to make it so that it didn't matter, so that he just didn't feel anything at all for anyone. It was the only way it could work.

But as Kendall walked back to him and sat down, Logan could feel that warming sensation fill his stomach, the kind that makes you realize that you'll never stop loving that one special person.

"The water feels so good," Kendall said softly. "I could stay in it forever."

Logan cleared his throat and pulled himself together enough to not completely fall apart. "Why'd you get out?" he asked.

Kendall shrugged his shoulders. "Sometimes you just have to step out of what's comfortable."

The poignancy of his words was definitely not lost on him.

"Plus," he continued, "what's the point of going to the beach with your best friend if you're just gonna stand around in the water?"

He turned to Logan and gave him a tentative, close-mouthed, crooked smile. He knew that even if he had not the courage or the bravery to go all the way with his love, he at least owed Logan their friendship and a smile.

And though Logan fought as hard he could against the effect Kendall's smile always had on him, he smiled right back. He hated the fact that he was so easy to please, but damn it...he just could not NOT smile when Kendall smiled. It was too hard to stay focused on doing what he felt he needed to do when he had Kendall next to him, smiling, offering trips to the beach, and just...being Kendall.

He understands, Kendall convinced himself. Logan understands why things have to be the way they are. I don't have to tell him why we can't be together. He knows, and he understands. It's why he helped Jo with our date. He understands, and everything's going to be okay.

"You know, I never thanked you for what you did last week," Kendall said as he tried to scrape the last of the tension off of himself.

"Thanked me?" Logan asked. "For what?"

Kendall needled him slyly. "You know. What you and Jo did."

Logan almost choked on his own spit. "Me and Jo? We...uh...what did we do?"

Kendall shook his head and grinned. "I know that you told her not to tell me that you helped her with our date at El Chaparral, but I figured it out, and...I think it's great."

Logan was totally confused. "She...told you that I...helped her with your date?"

"Yeah," confirmed Kendall. "Well, I kinda sorta figured it out myself when I saw you sneaking out of her apartment that afternoon, but yeah, she told me all about it."

That afternoon, Logan thought. He saw me leaving Jo's...he knows that I was with Jo...he knows...he knows what we talked about...but wait...

"You saw me leaving...and she told you that I was helping her with your date?" he asked.

"Yeah! What are you, deaf?" Kendall laughed, picking up a handful of sand and tossing it. "And like I said, I think it's great that you...you know...you took the time to do that."

Logan didn't know what Jo had told Kendall or how she'd gotten him to believe it, but...shit, he didn't care. Now he knew that Jo definitely had not told Kendall the truth about their meeting at all, and he could finally let go of that last iota of fear that Kendall would one day randomly confront him about it.

"Oh," he said, the relief clearly evident in his voice. "It was...it was nothing. That's what best friends are for, right?"

Jo is fucking nuts, he fleetingly thought. She's absolutely crazy.

"Look," Kendall continued, feeling a need to clarify some things, "I know that...well, I know that you and Jo aren't like...friends or anything, but I'm glad that you put that aside for my sake."

Logan was alarmed to know that Kendall could see that he wasn't a big Jo fan. Whenever they'd talk about her at night, Logan would always at least pretend to like her. She did have the power to make Kendall happy, so he did appreciate her for that, but he would have been lying had he ever told Kendall that he truly liked her.

"What makes you say that we aren't friends?" he asked curiously.

"Just...I don't know," Kendall stumbled. "I know that when she gets a little crazy with the drinking and the drugs and everything...you don't really like that, so I just figure...you tolerate her because of me."

Yeah, and why do I tolerate her? Kendall asked himself.

"Heh," Logan let out. "She's all right." And if she hadn't told Kendall anything about what Logan had told her, maybe he'd been wrong about her all along.

Kendall searched for ways to break up the tension, and then he started to giggle. "You actually won't believe what I thought when I saw you leaving her apartment, though! The way you were standing there all suspicious-looking like a criminal or something."

Logan nervously giggled along, not exactly sure where Kendall was going with this one. "What did you think?"

"I thought..." Kendall hesitated, the dopey grin still on his face. "I don't know...I thought that you and her might have been...I don't know. It's stupid."

Logan put two and two together and his eyes immediately widened. "Wait, you mean...you thought me and Jo were...like...? Are you serious?"

"Yeah!" Kendall admitted. "I told you it was stupid."

Logan was shocked. First, it was the thought of him and Jo. That alone was enough to give him nightmares. He liked girls, and he thought they were nice, and he was definitely not repulsed by the idea of having sex with one, but...Jo? No indeed. He couldn't imagine it, and that was a good thing, because that was one mental image he did not need.

And second...she was Kendall's girlfriend! He would never do that to Kendall! Ever! He could never hurt Kendall...that was the last thing in the world he'd ever want to do, and the thought of Kendall being mad at him - or worse yet, feeling betrayed by him - would have been enough to kill him.

"Kendall, I would never do something like that to you," he said seriously as Kendall's laughter died down. "I'd never hurt you like that."

"I know," Kendall replied. He got the last of his giggles out.

"I know that you...you love her, and she makes you happy, and...I'd never ever want to do anything to ruin that for you. Ever."

Hearing Logan pledge his support to the lie that was Kendall's "love" for Jo made Kendall feel guilty as sin. He owed it to Logan to just be truthful...to at least tell him that Jo meant so little, that she was only a tool in his quest to be "normal."

"I'm sorry," he said morosely. "I'm sorry." But not just for thinking Logan would ever betray him, but for being such a coward.

"Kendall, it's okay," Logan insisted.

"No," protested Kendall. "I mean I'm sorry for everything. You're...you know, you're dealing with Camille leaving, and then the thing with Michelle, and then Jo gets in your face about the Michelle thing, and then I turn into a pretty crappy best friend for a while, so it's like...you...you deserve better. You deserve a lot. I've made a ton of promises to you over the years, and I keep breaking them every time I get sidetracked by...you know...stupid things."

Stupid things like Jo?

Logan nodded slowly, beating himself up even more now. He didn't want Kendall to feel sorry for him...he didn't want Kendall to feel like he had to put him at the top of his list of priorities. Oh, Logan definitely wanted to be there at the very top of that list, but at the same time...he wanted a lot of things from Kendall that he knew he would never get. So being cherished by Kendall as a friend, being protected by Kendall as a friend, and being loved by Kendall as a friend...all that did was make him want more.

"Kendall, you don't have to keep thinking about me," Logan pleaded earnestly. "You have your own life to live."

"I just want you to be happy," Kendall said. It was the least he could say...the very bare minimum of what he could do to show Logan his love. And it made him feel gross, because he knew quite exactly what would make Logan happy...he knew exactly what would take away Logan's anguish and what would make his face light up like Christmas...but Kendall's own selfishness and cowardice kept getting in the way...it just kept pulling him back from being the daredevil he'd so often be. But being a daredevil was easy when it didn't mean baring your soul.

"I'm happy," Logan lied, putting on a brave face. Kendall wanted him to be happy, so damn it...he was going to be happy.

And Kendall was strong. So strong. He was strong enough to take Logan's lie and believe it was the truth. He was strong enough to fight the urge to say..."No, you're not happy, and it's my fault." He was strong enough to ignore the simple truth that Logan was probably dying little by little inside and reaching a breaking point. He was strong enough to ignore the trembling in Logan's delicate thigh. He was strong enough to not reach over and touch that thigh and touch Logan's face and kiss him... he was strong because he had to be strong.

But maybe he wasn't as strong as he thought he was. Maybe his own thigh trembled. Maybe one day Logan would give in and Kendall wouldn't be able to reject him. Maybe Kendall was weaker than he wanted to admit. Maybe denying his love for Logan was beginning to hurt more than anything his father could have ever done to him. Maybe he was on the verge of falling.

Things were quiet for a while. The waves continued to crash, but the beach-goers in the distance were starting to disappear. Kendall could smell the nervousness coming from Logan like cheap cologne. There had been enough of that for the evening, he decided. There had been enough quiet conversation and slow-talking and skirting around serious issues. It had not been his intention to come here and stew in stress. He just wanted them to be them again. He just wanted to have a good time with his best friend again.

"So," he began, using his strength to switch from uptight to laid-back in an instant. "What have you been up to this week?"

The light tone in Kendall's voice lifted the weight from Logan's shoulders, and the nervous, dark-haired boy could feel the relief as it immediately kicked in. Without even thinking, he turned to face Kendall, who was already looking back at him with an inquisitive expression.

"I found a lot of cool clubs," he answered. "There are like ten of them that I'm planning to officially join whenever I get a chance to."

"Wow," Kendall commented, a tiny part of him burning because he knew that Logan was probably joining those clubs simply because it meant he wouldn't have to think about him. "Ten?"

"Yep," Logan replied. "As a matter of fact, I went to two of them today."

"Oh, really? What were they?"

"One's a history book club, and this morning, I went to a meeting of the Jonas Salk Appreciation Society."

"Cool," Kendall said, playfully jabbing at his own thigh. "He was always my favorite."

"Your favorite what?" Logan asked, legitimately surprised that Kendall even knew who Dr. Salk was.

"My favorite President, duh," Kendall said matter-of-factly. "The country hasn't been the same since he left office."

Logan did a facepalm and shook his head, trying not to laugh at Kendall's efforts to sound smart. "No, Kendall, no...Jonas Salk was a doctor! He discovered the polio vaccine."

"Right," Kendall nodded. "And then he was President for a few years."

"No!" Logan corrected as nicely as possible.

"He was! He was President right after Benjamin Franklin."

Logan couldn't believe his ears. He could have sworn that after all of this time Kendall would have picked up at least some knowledge from him.

"Kendall, no," he said patiently, but Kendall's sureness was so comical. "Franklin was never President. Many people think he was, but he was not. As a matter of fact, he died a year into Washington's presidency."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Oh, Horty, Horty, Horty...I know you're a genius and all, but I think you should just accept that math and science are your strong points," he said condescendingly, making Logan laugh and shake his head. "Benjamin Franklin was most definitely President, and Aretha was most definitely his First Lady."

Logan stopped and looked at Kendall with a WTF face. "Are you serious?"

Kendall burst into laughter. "I had you going for a while! Come on, do you really think I know anything about this Salk dude or whatever his name was?"

Logan went into epic blush mode. "Well, I didn't know..." he said. "I thought maybe you'd read one of my books while I wasn't looking."

"As if!" Kendall exclaimed. "The only way I'd ever get through any of those books is if...if you sat down and read one to me."

"Sounds like fun," Logan teased.

"Sounds like medieval torture," Kendall retorted as they both chuckled.

Their merriment was drowned out by the sound of a particularly large wave as it came into shore. As the world around them darkened, they quieted down and began to gaze at the moon and stars coming out above them. It was so hard to know what the future would hold for either one of them, but sometimes...just sometimes, the future did not matter.

"It's gonna be a gorgeous night," Kendall observed quietly.

"It will be," Logan said hesitantly.

Kendall lay down on his back, not caring about getting dirty or wet. "Come on," he nagged, pulling at Logan's shirt. "Let's watch the stars come out. Like we used to do when we were kids."

No, Logan told himself...Don't do it! Don't fall for it! It's not what you need right now! It's not what you need anymore! Don't let him suck you in...

But he never stood a chance. He carefully lay down next to Kendall in the sand, making sure to leave a little space between them. This was why he'd come with Kendall to the beach. This was what he'd needed for one last time. Regardless of what he was finally going to do to get over Kendall - whether he'd go back to Minnesota, whether he'd find some amazing girl in California - Logan needed this moment to remember forever.

And Kendall knew he was strong. Stronger than Logan. He knew that while he could lie there and hold steady against temptation as it swirled all around them, he knew that Logan wouldn't be able to hold out much longer. And maybe...maybe a part of him hoped that Logan would indeed give up...maybe a part of Kendall hoped that Logan would give in and make the first move...and maybe Kendall knew that if Logan had ever made the first move...he'd never try to stop him.

The sky was a tapestry of pink and purple and blue and black and yellow and gold and brown and orange and...all of the magical, wonderful colors of a summer fantasy. The moon appeared far in the distance, shining like the beam of a lighthouse, and the stars began to appear like tiny specks of glitter.

"I want to stay here forever," Kendall whispered, secretly hoping that Logan would be so affected by this declaration that he'd lose all control of his desires.

But Logan was focused. His strength was growing. He would not give in to the temptation.

"Me too," he said hoarsely. "Me too."

NOTE: So sad. If only they'd just opened their damn mouths and said something, then maybe they wouldn't be in so much drama! But young love is always all about the drama, isn't it? Next up, we stay with this night as Kendall gets advice from an unlikely source, and Logan gets a warning. Chapter 17 is coming soon!