AUTHOR'S NOTE: School always sucks at the end of the semester :( This was gonna be much longer, but once again, I figured you guys would rather have some of it sooner than all of it later. On the bright side, I've been able to plan a lot of the rest of the story, and big things are gonna happen in the next four chapters (after this one)! Anyways, thanks for reading and leaving such amazing comments! :) You guys are awesome! I have NO CLUE when I'll be able to write again, but hopefully Chapter 18 won't take nearly two weeks like this one did!
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
"You go upstairs," Kendall insisted when he and Logan returned to the Palm Woods. "I'm gonna sit and take in some of this air for a while."
The courtyard was empty and dark, and nothing could have been more appealing to Kendall in that moment. Time to think...it seemed he was always looking for a time and a place to think.
"You sure?" Logan asked.
"Yeah, go ahead," Kendall said with a reassuring smile.
"All right," Logan agreed. "I do need to get all of this grimy sand off of me."
"Heh, yeah," Kendall replied, brushing some sand off of his own arms. "I'll be up in a few minutes."
"Okay."
Logan left him to be alone with no arguments. He honestly couldn't demand that Kendall be joined to his hip for the rest of the night, could he? If Kendall wanted to be by himself for a while, he had a right to that. He'd spent an evening with Logan, watching the sun go down at the beach. It was perfectly acceptable for him to now want some space.
I'll give him space, Logan thought as he entered the Palm Woods lobby and boarded the elevator. I'll give him all the space he needs...and all the space I need.
But back in the courtyard, Kendall didn't know what he needed. He didn't even know what he wanted, to be completely honest. He kept thinking of how beautiful the evening had been. It hadn't been a big deal. Just watching the moon and stars replace the sun and clouds. Just watching the waves roll in and out of the sea. Just lying there with Logan in silence...sweet silence. Just feeling the natural rhythms of life pulsing through both their bodies.
I could have that every day for the rest of my life, he thought as he gently sat on a chaise. I could have it every day...if only I just opened my mouth.
He thought about Katie's advice. He'd have Logan no matter what. Even if the world just fell down around him. Even if all life died. Even if the sun and the moon and the stars and the clouds and every other thing in the entire universe vanished, and all that was left was a barren vastness filled with mystery and uncertainty and nothingness...no matter what...he'd still have Logan. Forever. And nothing else would matter.
And then he thought about Jo. He had responsibilities, and Jo was one of them. He knew what would happen if he told Logan the truth. It would have been impossible for them to fight their feelings. "Fixing it" would have been a lost cause. They would have made love, and they would have been together, and Kendall would have defended that love and that relationship against every bit of harm that came its way. He would have given his all to protect what they had. But what about Jo? How would she respond to Kendall's new relationship? What desperate actions would she take?
"Jo, I have something to tell you," he would say to her. He wouldn't have had Logan there with him then. No, he wouldn't want Logan to suffer her wrath. He wouldn't want Logan to be hurt by Jo's hurt.
"What's the matter?" she would ask, her eyes twitching maniacally and paranoia overtaking her whole mind, because she'd just know in her bones what he was going to say.
"We can't be together," he'd say. He'd try to be polite...oh, he'd try not to hurt her, but he knew she would be hurt regardless. It would have been impossible to break up with her without hurting her.
She'd repeat his words in disbelief. And then she'd immediately pledge to "get better" again, the same way she had so many times before. She wouldn't even ask why Kendall was breaking up with her, because she'd know that she'd given him a million and one reasons.
"Jo, there's more...there's something else I have to say," he'd tell her, trying to calm her down, because at that point, she'd be pacing around the room with exposed nerves.
"What?" she'd ask, stopping dead in her tracks and giving him the coldest, most heartbreaking stare ever. "What more can you do to hurt me?"
And he'd look her straight in the eyes, trying his best to convey his sympathy, and then he'd tell her. "It's Logan. I'm leaving you for Logan."
Her face would be a startling combination of shocked and surprised and disgusted and violated. She wouldn't even say anything because she wouldn't even know what to say. And Kendall wouldn't know how to respond, either, so words would be useless.
But then she'd start to make threats...those drastic, dramatic threats that she'd already made all the times Kendall had tried to break up with her before.
"I'll kill myself," she'd say. And she'd throw herself to the floor at his feet. "You don't want me to kill myself, do you?" she'd ask him in the most calculated voice.
And what would he do? Would he keep his mind focused on being free and happy with Logan? Or would it even be possible for him to be free and happy with Logan if he knew that there was a lost, broken girl out there whose life was spiraling out of control simply because he stopped being there for her?
Kendall put his face in his hands and tried to clear his mind, but it wasn't working. The only thing clear was that he had two choices. He could tell Logan the truth, experience love and lust like he'd never had before, and let Jo down gently. And if and when she went nuts, he'd just have to let someone else take care of her. Or he could stay with Jo and never tell Logan anything. He'd deal with Jo's mood swings, and he'd disrespect Logan, and then he'd make it up to Logan, and then he'd accept Jo's apologies and believe her promises, and then it would happen all over again.
What if I lose him? Kendall asked himself. What if he can't handle it anymore, and he just leaves me all alone before I can make a choice?
He lay back on the chair and closed his eyes, but a presence and a voice startled him.
"Kendall, dude! How's it going? What are you doing out here in the dark all by your lonesome, pal?"
It was the long-haired, tan-skinned, cool-as-a-cucumber, guitar-strumming piece of hotness known as Guitar Dude.
"Oh, hey," Kendall said, opening his eyes. He wished he could be alone, but then, he was glad to have company so that he didn't have to think anymore. "I'm just enjoying some of this air."
"Ah," Guitar Dude let out approvingly. "I know what you mean, man, I know exactly what you mean."
Of course, he had his guitar with him. He sat down on the chair next to Kendall's and strummed a quick chord.
"So, what's crack-a-lackin' in the world of Sir Kendall the Knight?" he asked in that low, raspy voice that turned just about everyone on.
"Nothing much," Kendall replied, his eyes closed again. "Just work and work and work."
"Ah," Guitar Dude replied. "Surely, you have time for play?"
"Ha. I don't know. It seems like even when I have a day off, I'm still working on something," Kendall answered coyly.
"Oh," Guitar Dude said thoughtfully.
"Guitar Dude, can I ask you something?" Kendall asked, opening his eyes for a second.
"Sure, man."
"Why are you wearing sunglasses at night?"
"Because, my man," he answered proudly, "I don't wear my shades to keep the sun out. I wear them to keep my soul in."
Kendall scratched his brow, prompting his friend to explain.
"See, as long as I have these bad boys on," he said, taking his shades off and putting them back on, "nothing around me can mess up my flow. I just put my shades on, sit back, and watch everything as it goes on, but nothing shakes me up, and nothing freaks me out."
Kendall nodded slowly and closed his eyes again. How awesome it would be to just put on a pair of sunglasses and never have to worry about anyone messing up your "flow." He and Logan could put their hater-blockers on, and all they'd see was each other. All they'd hear was each other...all they'd touch, all they'd feel was each other. Just like Guitar Dude always seemed to be in his own little world, Kendall and Logan would be in their own little world.
But Guitar Dude, for all of his eccentricities, was an astute observer. He didn't say much unless he was singing or reciting poetry, but he thought plenty. He liked to keep the world from affecting his "flow," but that didn't mean he didn't pay close attention to his friends and neighbors at the Palm Woods. He glanced at Kendall's closed eyes and the crippling weariness on his face, and he could just tell that he was dealing with some kind of drama. Guitar Dude didn't know what it was Kendall was going through, but he knew that there was nothing in the world that couldn't be helped by a simple melody.
And so he began to strum. Very calm, very slowly, very skilled. Kendall didn't flinch. This wasn't unusual...Guitar Dude randomly playing his guitar. But then there was something familiar about the song. Kendall recognized the tune...he recognized every single chord, and he recognized every single note. And when Guitar Dude began to sing, he recognized every lyric.
"When you're down and troubled, and you need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going right, close your eyes and think of me, and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights..."
Kendall stood in the hallway outside Logan's bedroom. He knew his dad would have killed him had he known where his son was, but it was the day after the whole car-scratching incident, and Kendall just needed to make his way to Logan to thank him. It had never been so clear to him how strong Logan could be, and now...he just felt like he needed to be with him as much as possible. As long as he had Logan with him, he could feel safe.
There was a small crack in the door, and Kendall stopped short of pushing it open when he heard the music coming from inside.
"You just call out my name, and you know, wherever I am, I'll come running to see you again. Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you gotta do is call, and I'll be there. Yeah, you've got a friend."
Through the crack, Kendall could see Logan sitting on his bed, mouthing along to the words of the song, and staring dreamily into a photograph he held in his hands. His starry eyes glimmered and never left the picture.
It's a picture of me, Kendall thought. He's holding a picture of me. This song...it's for me.
"If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds, and that old north wind should begin to blow, keep your head together and call my name out loud now, and soon I'll be knocking upon your door."
The chorus began to play again, and suddenly, Kendall felt self-conscious about seeing Logan again. What if he did something or said something stupid? What if he creeped Logan out? What if, after Logan had left the Knights' house the day before, he realized just how weird and screwed-up Kendall was? What if...just what if Kendall couldn't control himself like he had the day before, and what if he took Logan's hand and kissed it? Wouldn't Logan jump back and scream? Wouldn't Logan push Kendall out of his room and out of his house and out of his life because he wasn't being normal?
Kendall wished he could just turn and run away. He and Logan could forget all about the day before, and then they could just pretend like it had never happened. Oh, but Kendall didn't want to forget it...he wanted to remember it forever. Logan...protecting him, for a change. Logan...being his hero, for a change. Logan...being the brave soldier, for a change. Logan...loving him back?
But then the door opened.
"Kendall!" Logan gasped. "What are you doing here?"
Kendall almost fell, but he found his footing. Trying to control his panic, he answered, "I...I...came to see you, to see...you know...it's...uh...I need some help with that stuff we're learning in Ms. Landry's class."
"Oh," Logan said, easing up a little after being startled. "Well...um...I was just going to go get my calculator from out of the living room. I'll be right back."
"Okay."
Logan trudged on down the hall to the living room, and Kendall went into his bedroom. Somehow, it had been starting to feel different. He'd spent countless hours sleeping on that floor and even more hours sitting on the bed...but lately, it was feeling as if this room was much more to him than just where his best friend slept. His eyes went from wall to wall, seeing aquatic posters and historical portraits. He inhaled the aroma of pine that flowed throughout the room, and he let the sounds from Logan's little old-fashioned, outdated record player fill his ears.
"Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend? People can be so cold. They'll hurt you and desert you. Well, they'll take your soul if you let them, oh yeah, but don't you let them..."
A feeling shot through Kendall like nothing ever before. Now, more than ever, he knew Hortense Mitchell was his best friend, and he was not ashamed. Hortense was his safety, and Hortense was his home, and Hortense was warmth on a cold winter's day. And Kendall loved him.
"Ain't it good to know you've got a friend? Ain't it good to know you've got a friend?"
And as Kendall sat on the bed, he looked at the photograph Logan had been coveting. The two of them holding the fish they'd caught with Kendall's grandfather. Two smiling, happy faces. Two little boys with their futures ahead of them.
"You've got a friend."
The song ended, and there was silence as Kendall couldn't tear his eyes away from the picture. He could actually feel them begin to water. This shouldn't have affected him so damn much, but it did...and then, he looked up, and Logan was there. Kendall got up, went straight to him, and hugged him tightly.
"Thank you," he said into Logan's shoulder. "Thank you, Horty...thank you...you're my best friend."
And Logan understood where Kendall's rush of emotions was coming from. At least, he understood most of it. He knew that it had been hard for Kendall to be the vulnerable one the day before...he knew that Kendall did not like, at all, for people to see his weak side. But he'd let Logan see it...and Logan had proven himself to Kendall, and now Kendall was glad to finally have someone in his life who would be his shelter during the storm. And that was when Logan knew that his friendship with Kendall...maybe it was more than just a friendship.
"You've got a friend," Guitar Dude ended very softly and carefully, never once going out of tune as he strummed the very last note of the song.
Kendall's eyes were closed so tightly. He was caught up in memory, wishing he could go back to that moment so many years ago and just do what he had wanted to do. He wished he had just kissed Logan then. And maybe things would have been different if he had. Maybe none of this California stuff would have happened, and maybe they would have never been famous, but damn it...they would have been happy. They would have been as happy as two people could possibly be. And the years of stress would have never happened. Their lives would have been perfect from that moment on, and they would have been together for decades upon decades.
But now? Now it wouldn't be so easy. Now there were complications on every hand. Now there were others whose feelings had to be considered. Now there was a band to worry about. Now there was Jo.
But what about all of that? So Jo would have a cow and lose her mind. She had cows and lost her mind plenty of times, and she'd always find her way back to her own unique type of sanity. Did Kendall really have to keep putting her first, above all else? As far as his own feelings were concerned, he had no qualms about putting her happiness above his. But above Logan's? No. He just couldn't do that anymore. Not to his best friend. Not to the person he loved.
But she'll do something...she'll do something big, he thought.
No, she won't, he said to himself. She lies. She lies to keep me because she knows it'll work on me. She knows how my mind works, and she knows how to guilt trip me.
But Logan. Logan would never guilt trip him or take advantage of him. And so Logan was the winner. It was Logan who deserved his love, because it was Logan who had earned it. It was Logan who was rightful owner of Kendall's mind and body, and Kendall knew it was time for him to do something about it.
And what would that something be? Just hop up from his seat and go up there and tell Logan the truth? Or would words even be necessary? What if he just went up there and grabbed Logan out of the shower and kissed him on the lips? And what if Logan wrapped his naked arms around Kendall, kissing him back? And what if Kendall teared out of his own clothes, and they bathed together, and then just slept in each other's arms? No sex. Not even making out. Just the explosive friction of two naked bodies touching in the night. Two hearts beating, two souls flying. And in the morning, they'd begin to deal with the fall out - and there'd be plenty - but as Katie had told Kendall...none of that would matter. Because he'd still have Logan. He'd still have his friend.
He knew it couldn't happen that quickly, though. No, he had to plan out every single detail. He had to think of how he'd tell Logan. It would have to be romantic. A dinner. Or just on the beach like tonight. Or maybe he could wait until their next trip back to Minnesota, and he'd tell him right there in Logan's old bedroom, the way he should have done a long time ago. And they'd spend the night in Logan's childhood bed...no longer the scared little boys they'd been. No, they'd be young men now. Strong young men who could be vulnerable, who could be weak...but young men who loved each other fiercely.
He'd break it to Jo gently, but he'd make her understand. He'd make her understand his feelings for Logan. And maybe it would be for the best. Maybe then she'd see that the distance in their relationship wasn't always all her fault. She'd see that Kendall had never really felt right in what they had, so a lot of the blame was his, too. And that would give her the strength and the confidence to move on, to find someone who deserved her, someone who could understand her better than Kendall ever could, someone who didn't have his own crap to sort out. And maybe they could all be friends.
But if didn't turn out that well? If Jo's reaction wasn't so sunshine-and-roses? If she lived up to her word...if her blood was everywhere, but most especially on Kendall's hands...and if she was done before her time...
I'll still have Logan, Kendall reminded himself. I'll still have Logan, and he'll make me see that it wasn't my fault.
And his father? What about him? Kendall didn't know how he could spin it around so that he'd believe that his father's reaction would be a positive one. There was no way that Sean Knight would be perfectly fine with having a gay son.
But he's gone, Kendall thought. He's gone, and he left because he wanted to leave. He's never come back. He doesn't matter. Nothing even matters. Nothing and no one.
So now what? He was going to tell Logan now? Hell, he'd promised Katie he would anyway, so it made sense. Of course, he'd added the condition that he'd only tell after Jo messed up again...and also, he'd said that he'd tell Logan that they couldn't be together. Well, those conditions were out the window now. He knew that Jo could keep herself together for several months if she needed to, and Kendall didn't know if he could wait several months to open up and be true. And as far as telling Logan they couldn't be together? His lips would already be firmly planted on Logan's before the words "But we can't be together" could ever leave them.
He'd give himself some planning days, though. He'd have to figure out just exactly how he'd tell them both, and then he'd figure out how they'd tell everyone else. He'd gather up all of the things he'd want to say and all of the explanations he'd have to give. He wanted to be ready. One hundred percent ready. That way, when it'd all be said and done...after the smoke would clear and the dust would settle...life would be wide open for him and Logan.
Me and Logan, he thought to himself as he opened his eyes. Me and Logan. Me and Hortense. Kendall and Hortense. I love him.
He turned to Guitar Dude, who was now just improvising on his instrument of choice.
"Guitar Dude...that was an amazing song," he said sincerely and confidently.
"Why thank you," Guitar Dude responded with a bob of his head. "It's a classic, man, but it never gets old."
"No," Kendall agreed. "No. It never does."
He gathered himself out of the chair. "I'll...I'll see you around. Thanks."
"You're welcome," Guitar Dude said. "And yeah, I'll see you around."
He didn't have to ask what Kendall meant. He already knew. The sound of music was a beautiful one, no matter what song, and Guitar Dude considered his ability to make music the greatest gift he'd ever been blessed with. For with music, he could touch people in ways he never could have without it. With music...he could give people inspiration, he could give them guidance, he could give them something to believe in. With just the simple strumming of the strings and the soft sound of his own voice, he could move mountains. And with a sweet, gentle song, he could push a person closer to who they wanted to be, who they were meant to be, and the thing they wanted most of all.
And as Guitar Dude walked back to his own apartment, he still didn't know what it was that had been bothering Kendall, but there was something he knew for sure. His guitar, his voice, his music, his song...it all gave Kendall the strength to love.
NOTE: So Kendall figures he has the whole thing straightened out, and he's going finally step up...oh, but something always steps into the way, doesn't it?
DISCLAIMER: "You've Got a Friend" was written by Carole King and is the property of Sony Music Entertainment.