AUTHOR'S NOTE: *sigh* Well, I promised myself I wouldn't let a month pass by without updating the story, and so, here it is! You don't want to read more of my complaining about school taking over my life and what-not, so on to Chapter 18!
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Logan had to force himself to not stand in the window and stare at Kendall. No, he was supposed to be giving Kendall space. Stalking wasn't space. But would it really be stalking, though? Just peering down into the darkness, seeing if he could make out Kendall's shape in the night...
I'd be able to see him, Logan thought to himself as he turned the sheets back on his bed. I'd know his body anywhere.
The wind-swept hair would be noticeable first...the way it just sat on Kendall's head, his bangs framing his distinctive face. And then the green eyes. Jades...they were just like jades. Emeralds, even.
And the dimples...Logan would be able to see those dimples, even if he went blind. They added character to Kendall's face. They gave his smile that certain level of brightness that made Kendall Knight's charm irresistible to everyone.
And then the wiry body. Logan knew that body. He'd seen that body in its rawest form...he'd held that body in his arms in so many hugs that he'd lost count. He'd dreamt of having that body next to his own for so long...but it was that body that he knew he could never truly have.
But it was okay to think about Kendall. It was quite all right. He wouldn't beat himself up for letting his mind get a little fantastic. He'd dream about Kendall tonight, and he'd silently mouth Kendall's name in his sleep, and maybe, if he could be quiet enough, he'd moan a little...bring himself to his own personal climax as Kendall slept quietly across the room...he'd let himself do that, because he knew that sooner or later, he'd have the guts to make the changes he'd only been talking about. He'd finally man up and do what he needed to do.
I can't live like this anymore, he said to himself as he chose a book from his shelf. I have to make it end...but for now? I'll enjoy every minute of it.
The book he just so happened to pick off of the shelf wasn't like the others. It wasn't an old dusty volume about endangered species of southeastern Kazakhstan. It wasn't some thousand-page ode to Art Deco architecture. It wasn't an intricately detailed account of how Pythagoras happened to come up with his infamous theorem. No, it was a photo album. Their photo album.
It was dark red in color, and gold letters spelled out "MEMORY BOOK" in the center, with little elegant frills in each corner.
The pages were filled with photographs that depicted the lifetime of Kendall and Hortense's friendship. The early pages had smiling little boys with missing teeth, scraped knees, and buzz cuts. Next were the awkward years, characterized by pimples, sprigs of facial hair, and unfortunate hairstyles, and then, towards the end, were the more recent pictures. Two handsome young men with mature faces and latently seductive eyes. The picture they took together in the airport bathroom before getting on the plane to California...the one they took the first time they'd ever gone to the beach...the snapshot they took the time to pose for at the prom they'd thrown for all of their friends...
Logan had always believed that the pages would just get filled up more and more until he'd have to get another book and another book and another. He'd believed that it would be possible for him just keep hoarding pictures of the two of them, their hair turning grey, their skin getting wrinkled, their eyes getting weary...but that would mean going through the rest of his life the exact same way he'd gone through the last few years. Wanting Kendall but not having him. And Logan just couldn't do it anymore.
But I'll do it tonight, he said to himself. I'll let myself want him, and I'll let myself think about him, and I'll let my thoughts of him take over my soul, and I'll enjoy it, and I shall not be ashamed, and...oh, it'll be just for tonight! I promise it'll be the last time! And tomorrow...I'll just start thinking about the future.
He thought about his newest plan. Just go on home to Minnesota. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Just forget about every single thing he'd accomplished here in California. Bail on the band, bail on all of the friends he'd made around the Palm Woods, bail on Mrs. Knight and Katie, bail on Gustavo and Kelly, bail on the entire damn state. Just so he could go back to Minnesota and be all alone.
It was drastic, and maybe it was a little over-the-top. Maybe he was in way over his head. But what else was he supposed to do? What else could he possibly do now? He knew he'd barely given himself a chance to explore the more practical options, but damn it...he'd been trying to live with his Kendall love for how many years now? As long as he stayed here in a room with Kendall and saw him every single day, nothing in the world would make it easy for him to move on from how he felt. The only option he had left was to leave, and so that's what he had to do.
Are you sure? he asked himself. Are you completely sure?
He stared hard at a picture of Kendall and himself from when they were in the seventh grade. It was from one of those lame-ass honor roll dances that middle school kids go to so they could feel grown-up and cool. And, of course, Kendall and Logan had thought they were grown up and cool. They had sneaked out of the gym where the dance was going on, and they'd ran far, far, far away from the building into the woods behind it. Logan hadn't known why Kendall wanted to be so isolated from the rest of the kids ("Don't you want to be with your friends?" "I am with my friend..."), but he hadn't asked too many questions...he'd just followed along and put all trust in Kendall. Kendall had taken out a small disposable camera, and, even though it was dark, they had smiled nice and wide under a tree. At the very last minute, Kendall had thrown his arm around Logan and pulled him in very tightly as he stretched his camera-holding arm out in front of them.
After he'd snapped the picture, Kendall didn't move. He had just kept Logan close to him, not even saying a word. Not even...not even looking at him. Just staring out into the night, knowing that Logan wouldn't say this was weird or strange or odd or "not normal" or anything at all...knowing that Logan wanted to be just as close as he wanted to be.
And now, as Logan looked at the picture and remembered, he wished it could be like that again...he wished things could be that easy again. He wished he and Kendall could set off on foot and just leave everything behind them. They'd find a place to live, just the two of them, and they'd be happy. Kendall could think that they were "just friends," but Logan would wrap himself up in the fantasy, and maybe...just maybe, if enough time passed by, the fantasy would become reality.
Logan closed the book. He figured Kendall would be coming up any time soon, and as much as he was yearning for just the feeling of being near his love again, he knew it would probably be best for him to pretend to be asleep when Kendall came up. No need for any late night chats tonight...Logan's memory and imagination would provide all the stimulus he'd need for whatever dreams he'd have tonight.
But then, the phone rang.
He wondered who it could be, and he almost didn't get up to answer it, but then he thought...maybe it was Kendall. Maybe Kendall was calling him from downstairs...maybe Kendall wanted Logan to join him after all...maybe they could sit in the darkness of the courtyard alone...maybe they could talk...maybe they could touch...maybe they could...
But Kendall's phone was sitting on his bed across the room, so it couldn't be him. Who could it be?
He got up and grabbed his phone from the window sill. Two words flashed on the screen.
"Jo calling."
The second he saw it, he felt his stomach tense up. His breathing got heavy, and his head started to hurt.
Don't answer it, he told himself. Don't answer it...don't answer it...
But he had to hear what she wanted to say...she had to be calling him because she wanted to talk, right? It had been days since their last meeting, and Logan just needed to know where she stood on everything. And besides...he had this new outrageous plan. He wanted to go back to Minnesota! He would accept defeat and let her have Kendall, and how could she possibly stay mad at him after that? Yes, he'd talk to her, and he'd make her understand, and everything would work out for everyone. Jo would have Kendall all to herself, Logan would eventually be somewhere where he didn't have to face his unrequited love every single second of the day, and the relationship Kendall wanted to have with Jo would no longer suffer because of his clingy, needy, dorky little friend.
And so Logan picked up the phone. He tried to gather his words together before speaking, but Jo beat him to the punch.
"Logan?" she called out through the line. Her voice was calm and controlled, not at all like the growling monster Logan had subconsciously expected to hear on the other end, but not exactly warm and friendly either. "Logan, are you there?"
"Uh...yeah...yeah, I'm here," he answered, unsure of how to go about having this awkward conversation.
"Oh," Jo replied, a faint hint of relief in her voice. And then, after a very short beat, "Did you have fun at the beach?"
Logan's face froze. How in the world did she know that he and Kendall had been at the beach? Kendall didn't have his phone, so it's not like he'd called her and talked to her about it, and besides, after the last conversation those two had had, it didn't seem likely that Kendall would even want to talk to Jo tonight.
But still...how did she know?
"Uh yeah," he answered shakily. "We had fun. I mean, I had fun...I had fun. It was fun."
In her hotel room in Hawaii, Jo nodded slowly. There was no devious, devilish grin on her face, and no, she wasn't twirling a fake mustache or stroking a pet kitten. But the wheels of her mind were spinning out of control. Jo, though, had this way about her...even when her thought process was in overdrive, she could put on the calmest of characters and never let on that she was falling apart inside.
"Good," she said.
She had her ways of acquiring information, and it had been embarrassingly easy to get someone to keep an eye on Kendall and Logan for her while she was out of town. She'd gotten a report on each and every activity they'd taken part in and conversation they'd had. The activities they'd taken part in publicly, at least. And the conversations they'd had publicly, too...but, in her heart, she knew there could be nothing else. Right? Logan had told her straight up that Kendall didn't know about his feelings, and so that meant that nothing was going on between the two of them that she didn't know about.
Of course not, you idiot, she'd told herself over and over again in Hawaii. Stop being paranoid and accept the fact that Kendall is yours.
But how could she just ignore the facts? Generally speaking, she'd always been terrified of losing Kendall, whether it be to Logan or to any other person. That had always been one of her greatest fears, because then it would mean that all of the sweet things that Kendall had told her through the years - that she was worth loving, that she deserved to be loved, that she was beautiful, that she was sexy, etc - all of those things would have to be considered lies. And then, once she had started to zero in on her boyfriend's friendship with Logan, it made her even more jumpy. Their friendship was different, and she had a sort of intuition that allowed her to look through outward appearances and see things as they really were. Shit, she had not been wrong about Logan having feelings for Kendall, had she?
But her intuition had also told her that Kendall had feelings for Logan, and that was wrong. Logan told her it was wrong.
Well...actually, Logan didn't tell her that. Logan told her that Kendall didn't know about the feelings he - Logan - had for him - Kendall. That didn't have anything to do with whether or not Kendall had feelings for Logan. And so the question remained...
Is my boyfriend in love with his best friend?
And it weighed on her the whole time she was in Hawaii. Nothing could take her mind off of it. Grass skirts, ukeleles, enough rum to see dancing pineapples in her sleep...none of it was enough to get the questions and the thoughts and the fears out of her mind. She'd been pleased to know that Logan and Kendall hadn't been spending a whole lot of time together while she was away, but still...nothing could calm her. Her intuition's track record was too good. Rarely were her suspicions wrong. Rarely. It had gotten to her so bad that she'd called Kendall and almost came to within an inch of just asking him if he had feelings for Logan. She'd masked it under the tried-and-true "Are you cheating?" question, and when he'd done little to mask his annoyance before hanging up on her, she'd known that she was pushing him close to the edge. If she kept screwing up like that, she'd lose him for sure.
But would she lose him to Logan?
Never, she thought to herself. Never.
"Um...Logan, we have things to talk about, don't you think?" she asked him over the phone. She didn't want to scare him or make him do something stupid, but she wanted to let him know that she had a stake in this relationship she had with Kendall. No, it wasn't perfect. No, it wasn't always good for either one of them. But at the end of the day, Kendall Knight had made a promise to a shy, lonely girl a few years earlier, and that shy, lonely girl had taken it to heart. That shy, lonely girl had needed Kendall Knight, and that girl still needed him, even when it seemed like she didn't want him. She needed him.
"Uh...yeah," Logan replied. He agreed with her. They needed to talk. As much as he wished he could just give her a letter to explain his side of the whole mess and let that be the end of it, he knew that they had to sit down and discuss this like young adults.
"All right," she said, business-like. She hated the way it sounded, but hell, this was business. It was serious business. "I should be back in LA tomorrow morning. It'll probably take me a day to get over the jet lag, so what about Monday?"
"Sure," Logan agreed. His heart sped up a little, and heat enveloped his skin. This was real. This was...real. He was going to talk to her, tell her what he wanted to do. She sure as hell wasn't gonna protest. She'd probably buy the one-way ticket to Minnesota for him herself. And that would be the beginning of it, right here. The beginning of the end of his and Kendall's friendship.
But what if she didn't want it to end that way? What if that was too easy and too clean and not painful enough ? Logan had made her cry, and Logan had made her think her world was going to end. Logan had lied to her and ruined her life for a good five minutes or so. What if simply ushering him out of town wasn't enough payback for her? What if she wanted him to burn and hurt and die like she had?
"Jo?" he asked, his voice getting very small and very weak and very lame.
"What?" She was proud of herself for keeping her cool, and she could also sense the pain in his voice. She didn't want to hurt him, no, but that sweet sound of victory could never be denied.
"What are you going to do? About what I said, I mean...about the things I told you?"
She sighed. No, she didn't want to hurt him. But she had herself to think about. But her conscience wouldn't allow her to destroy the poor little dork.
"Logan," she said, trying to be as thoughtful as possible. "Don't worry, okay? It's gonna be all right."
He nodded, as if he she could see it, but, of course, her intuition enabled her to realize that her brief statement of safety had calmed his jumpy nerves a little.
But, again, Jo had a stake in what she had with Kendall, and, though she wanted to be as nice as possible about this, she had a job to do. If she wanted to stay sane, if she wanted to continue being the enviable star of New Town High, the beautiful and talented Jo Taylor who graced magazine covers and was dating the sexy boy band singer...she had to stand firm in her actions and she had to play to win.
"But Logan," she quickly added. "You want me to be on your side," she said frigidly. She repeated it for effect. "You want me to be on your side."
And then, the phone connection was cut, and Logan was left standing by the window, wondering what in the hell his life was coming to.
Monday.
Monday would begin it all. Monday would begin the end. Jo was going to win. Jo was going to take what was his...Jo was going to keep Kendall, and there would be absolutely nothing that Logan could do about it.
You're going to let her win? he asked himself as he went into the bathroom to throw some water in his face. You're going to let her win?
But was Kendall his to give up? Kendall was merely his best friend. That's it. Kendall had never promised to be more than that. It was Logan's fault that he wanted more than that. Kendall had nothing to do with it. And neither did Jo. And so it was Logan who had to give something up...it was Logan who had to lose something dear to his heart. Kendall and Jo deserved happiness, and their happiness had to come at the cost of Logan's.
I'll be happy by myself, he tried to believe. I'll be happy all alone back home, and it'll be all right. I'll be all right. I'll get my medical license, and I can be a country doctor in some small, far away town where no one knows me and I can pretend like none of this ever happened. I'll be happy. And Jo will be happy. And Kendall will be happy.
Kendall will be happy.
Or will he?
Logan felt foolish for even thinking of allowing himself to go back to that place where he dreamt of Kendall and yearned for Kendall over and over again. He had honestly planned on lying in that bed tonight and rubbing himself and touching himself and making himself come as the thought of Kendall touching him and rubbing him and making him come flowed through his mind. That was what he'd planned to do that night. Just to get all of Kendall's influence out of him. Just to get the imaginary seed that Kendall had expelled in him out. Just to set himself free of his Kendall love.
It was funny, the way the mind of an 18-year-old worked. Somehow, the solution to every single problem rested in the sensation of wrapping your hand around your junk and yanking at it. How in the flying fuck would jacking off to Kendall make him stop loving Kendall?
He didn't know. He'd deluded himself enough to believe it would be some kind of closure, but now he was smarter than that.
He just wanted to go to sleep now. Go straight to sleep, do not pass Dreamland, do not collect 200 memories and emotions that he did not need to deal with. And in the morning, what would he do?
I've got my damn clubs, he told himself as he turned the water off. I have my damn clubs and my damn appreciation societies, damn it. If I have to jack off, I'll jack off to Jonas fucking Salk.
But just as he turned to go back into the bedroom, he could hear it. The laughter. Kendall's laughter. It was muffled, it was quiet, but it still had its full and usual effect on Logan. It made him ignore common sense and reason. It made him forget all about the circumstances around him. It made him just stop caring about everything and everyone. It made him only want to be with Kendall Knight for the rest of his entire life.
He took a deep breath. He had to fight it. Fight it. Fight it hard. Fight it until it died in his arms. He had to make it go away forever.
As he closed the bathroom door behind him, he could see why Kendall was laughing. He sat on the edge of Logan's bed with the memory book in his hands.
"Dude, I didn't even realize you still had this thing," Kendall chuckled as Logan slowly made his way over to the bed.
"Yeah," Logan said, reaching for the book. He didn't need this shit. He did not need it. He wanted to take his book, put it away, get under his covers, turn off the light, and go to sleep. He wanted to forget this. He wanted it to go away. He wanted to kiss Kendall on the lips. No. No! He wanted to punch Kendall. He wanted to put his arm on Kendall's shoulder. No! He wanted to push Kendall out the window. He wanted to feel Kendall inside him, he wanted Kendall's love to erupt inside him like Mount St. Helens, he wanted to tangle his fingers through Kendall's hair, he wanted to just sit with Kendall and remember the good times, he wanted to just hear Kendall laugh and hear the excitement in Kendall's voice, and he just wanted to...
He wanted to die.
"No, let me see," Kendall protested when Logan tried to take the book.
"Kendall, I'm tired," Logan said sternly, yanking it from him. "You can look at it tomorrow."
Kendall was surprised at how Logan had suddenly turned into a hardass. He thought they'd had a pleasant afternoon and night. He made one final grab for the book. "I want to look at it now!" he snapped.
The memory book fell to the ground, opening to a picture that always had the power to knock both of them down to their feet. They were sixteen years old in it, and though they wore smiles, there was so much underneath both their smiles...a vast subtext that couldn't be completely figured out by even the most brilliant of psychoanalysts. But whenever Kendall and Logan would look at that picture, including now, every single feeling...every single emotion...every single thought from that weekend would return as clear as day.
Two memories kept flashing in Logan's mind during the entire drive out to Kendall's grandparents' house in the woods.
The first was from the first time he'd ever visited the house. He'd been eleven years old then, and it had been a magical weekend of fun and adventure with his new best friend, Kendall Knight. He'd never thought he'd ever have a friend like Kendall, but the little boy he'd been all those years ago had enjoyed every single minute of it, and he'd been very appreciative. They'd fished and hiked and explored and horsed around, and at night, they'd slept nice and warm in a big, comfortable bed.
But now when Logan remembered back to that time, all he could focus on was the words Mr. Knight had used the following morning to describe his son's new friendship. "Not normal." "Fags." He had worried that Kendall and Logan would start talking about their "feelings" and turn into a pair of "fags."
He was right, Logan thought to himself as he and Kendall approached the house. He was right about me, at least.
The other memory that kept coming back was from when Kendall's grandmother had died. It had only been about a year or so since she'd passed away, but Kendall had seemed to have gotten over it. When his aunt had asked if he'd want to house sit for his grandpa for the weekend, he'd accepted the duty without any hesitation, and the whole family sighed in relief, taking the whole thing as a sign that Kendall had finally come to terms with his grandmother's death and his parents' divorce.
But Logan knew better. He knew how to read Kendall like no one else could, not even his own family. He knew that Kendall wasn't one for outward displays of emotion, and he knew that his feelings were always like latent time bombs just hovering beneath his surface. He knew that somewhere, somehow, during this weekend, an immense feeling of loss would come over Kendall, and he'd have to be the one to pick up the pieces for him.
It's my job...it's my duty, Logan said to himself as the engine shut off and they began to unpack their gear.
A whole weekend, just the two of them. Logan didn't know what was going to happen. He knew he loved Kendall, and he was okay with that, but he couldn't decide if Kendall liked him back or not. Shit, Kendall Knight was the guy all the girls wanted, and he spent some time with all of them, so obviously he couldn't be gay, right? He wouldn't want to be with little dinky old Hortense Mitchell, would he?
But Kendall had always showed Logan a side of him that he'd never shown anyone else ever before, and that had always been the thing that made their friendship different. And why was Kendall always so willing to be so open and honest with Logan? Was it love?
Logan didn't know. He just did not know.
As they brought their stuff into the modest little home, Kendall tried to block out thoughts of his Nana and the love with which she'd managed to fill every square inch of the house. Damn, he missed her.
But he was growing up now. He was older now. He had to think like a man and act like a man and be a man. He had to be a normal man. This was the very place where he'd been told what a man was and what a man wasn't. A man didn't talk about his feelings. A man wasn't a fag. A man was normal.
A man kept his own personal truths to himself.
He didn't know why he'd asked Logan to come along for this weekend. He could have used the time alone to think, but at the same time...the thought of being alone...it killed him. Especially in this place, where he knew his grandmother's ghost would be around him at all times. He needed someone there with him...someone who could comfort him. He needed someone who could understand his feelings and make it better without him ever having to open his mouth or say a word.
You could have asked any-fucking-body else, he told himself as they continued to unpack. He watched Logan struggle with an especially heavy backpack. He probably should have helped him, but damn it, he didn't want to. He didn't want this kid here with him this weekend.
I should have asked Amy...or Ashley...or Courtney or Becky or Tiffany or Jessica or Lacey or Amber or Sierra or Alexis or Lauren or...any one of those chicks. And I could have fucked her all weekend long.
But nope. He asked Logan. He asked that damn Logan. Because, at the end of the day, he was the only one. The only one who could understand Kendall, the only one who could read Kendall, the only one who knew exactly what Kendall needed.
And I hate him for it, Kendall thought to himself.
He hated the fact that Logan made him not normal. He hated the fact that Logan made him have "faggy" thoughts. He hated the fact that sometimes, when the air was cold and the moon was full and world was dark and lonely...what he wanted more than anything else in the entire world was to hear Logan's voice, listen as Logan tried to explain to him that there was no such thing as "cold," only an "absence of heat." Kendall wanted Logan to be his heat.
He'd thought about forcing himself on Logan. He'd always promised himself that if he ever got to that point where he wanted to have sex with him, he'd make it as unpleasant as possible for the both of them. He'd throw Logan around, maybe punch him a couple of times, make him realize that it was his own damn fault for making Kendall love him so much. He'd hit him, and then he'd throw him down and just use him hard and long and in the most violent of ways, hopefully making him bleed and definitely making him cry. And then, when it would all be said and done, he'd kick him in the stomach and watch him sob like the little fag-bitch he was. And then he'd just leave him there to soak in his own misery.
I could never do that to him, Kendall thought to himself. I could never...I could never...I'd rather die first...
Kendall had put away enough of his resentment for the two guys to have a somewhat pleasant afternoon. They fished and talked about friends and enemies from school. They brought the fish in and cooked it, and then Kendall played his GameBoy as Logan read one of his books. It was getting frosty, and so they lit a nice fire in the fireplace.
Kendall couldn't help but feel himself getting more and more at ease. He knew his grandmother wasn't there, but it still felt sometimes like she'd just come right on in and offer them both some milk and cookies. But then when he'd get hit with the realization that she would never do that ever again, he'd just look at Logan...who was always there...who would never leave him...who would never change...who would always be there for him. And he'd feel better.
Logan kept his ears pricked up and his eyes opened as far as Kendall was concerned. It was almost like being with someone on suicide watch. He knew that Kendall had been extremely close to his grandmother, and he knew that at any moment, he could snap and lose it. And Logan was going to be there for him.
Night fell, and it was soon time for bed. Maybe, once upon a time, they'd have stayed up all night long to see who would fall asleep first. Maybe they would have told ghost stories (but definitely not under these circumstances). Maybe they would have sang all night long. Maybe they would have made prank calls. Maybe they would have done something - anything - that resembled what a normal pair of best guy friends would do. But tonight, they both just wanted sleep. It had been a long drive, a boring afternoon, and a cold evening.
"I guess we can take the two guest rooms," Kendall suggested after they both finished their baths. "Which one do you want?"
Logan didn't have a ready answer. It had been a while since he'd visited the house, and he really had no preference.
"It doesn't matter to me."
"All right," Kendall replied, somewhat annoyed. He wanted Logan to suggest that they just share one bed. That way, Logan could continue being the fag, and Kendall's acceptance of Logan's suggestion would just be him being a "good friend."
"I'll take the one on the left, and you can take the one on the right."
As they settled down into their respective beds in their respective rooms, each guy took with him secret feelings that he knew he should have been able to share with the other but was too afraid to even think about.
Logan was scared of what he was turning into and who he was becoming. He wanted to be Kendall Knight's best friend forever, but these feelings that he was starting to accept...these gay feelings, these feelings of love, and sometimes lust...could he be Kendall's friend if he was having those types of thoughts? Was he Kendalll's friend because he wanted to be Kendall's friend or was he Kendall's friend because he had some kind of secret perverted fantasy going on in his head? He knew he was here because he wanted to be some kind of emotional support for Kendall as he dealt, once and for all, with his grandmother's death, but at the same time...Logan knew a part of him wanted to be here with Kendall because maybe something would happen...something that would let him know whether or not Sean Knight had been right about the both of them. Were they not normal? Were they both not normal?
And across the hall, Kendall was having his own convulsive thoughts.
He knew he'd once wanted to kiss Logan. He'd once wanted to hold Logan and hug him and kiss him and make him smile and make him sigh. He'd once wanted to take Logan in ways that he didn't know one boy could take another boy, and he'd once wanted to make Logan feel his love. But that wasn't normal...that was just not normal. And Kendall couldn't let his father be right about him. Nope. Couldn't let that bastard win.
And Logan understood that, right? Logan understood why Kendall couldn't throw everything out the window and just give into everything he felt, right? Surely, Logan could understand and accept that nothing could ever happen between them.
But you have to show him that you do care, Kendall told himself as he tossed and turned in bed. You have to show him that you do love him.
As that urgent voice kept telling him that he had to give Logan some kind of sign, some kind of sign to let him know that he wasn't going crazy...Kendall could hear the voice loud and clear, but it wasn't his. Not completely. No, some of that voice...it was his grandmother's. It was her telling him as he slept that he needed to do something. It was her who wanted him to go and show Logan that what they had was special, even if he couldn't go all the way with it.
Get up, Kendall, she told him. Go, Kendall...love him, Kendall...love him until you're ready to love him completely...
And before Kendall knew it, he was on his feet. Was he sleepwalking? Dreaming? No, it was real, and he knew what he was doing. He wasn't ready to own everything he felt for Logan just yet, but he had to have him in some kind of way...he had to at least be next to him through this cold night.
He slowly pushed open the door to Logan's room. It felt so much like it had felt when he'd first made Logan "move over" for him when they were eleven. He trusted Logan. He knew Logan would never tell. He knew Logan wouldn't get carried away, either. He knew Logan would let him call the shots in this whole thing. He'd sleep next to Logan tonight, and that would be the end of it. In the morning, they wouldn't talk about it, but they'd both be comfortable and satisfied with knowing that it had happened.
I hope it's enough for him, Kendall thought to himself as he inched closer to the bed.
He looked down at Logan. An angel, of course. A beautiful, earnest, innocent angel.
I love him so much, Nana, Kendall tried to telegraph to the spirit world. I love him so much, and I want him so bad...I want to just take him right here in this room, in this house...
He could feel a cool wind blow against him as it came in through the window. Was it a sign? Was it some kind of prodding from Nana? Was it her way of letting him know that it would be okay for him to sleep next to Logan?
He pulled the covers back on the vacant side of the bed, and Logan began to stir.
"Shh," Kendall soothed. "Shh."
He already had his "It's too cold to sleep alone" excuse ready in his back pocket. But maybe he'd be risky and not use it. Maybe he'd just let Logan's mind think what it wanted to think. Maybe he'd just let Logan's hands do what they wanted to do. Maybe he'd let his own hands do what they wanted to do.
There would be no coming back from that, though.
Kendall eased into the bed. Logan turned to face him, but he remained asleep, the light, adorable sound of his snoring never skipping a beat.
I'm gonna lie here, and if he touches me, I won't move, Kendall promised. I won't move...I won't move...
He hoped Logan wouldn't go too far, but he also hoped that Logan would go way too far. It was like pulling off a bandage. The first few seconds were going to hurt, but in the end, it'd all feel like paradise. Dealing with being gay and not "normal" would hurt like hell at first, but after that? When it would just be him and Logan together? It'd be amazing.
Logan rolled over, and he unconsciously laid his arm on Kendall's chest, murmuring something incoherent. Kendall was shaking, and he even began to sweat a bit in the cold, cold air of the room. Boy, if his father could see him then...
He carefully held Logan's arm as he shifted his own body to his side and faced away from Logan. He let the arm fall on his side, and he tucked himself in the warm pocket of space between the two of them.
And as Kendall fell into his slumber, he thanked his Nana for being his guardian angel, for always steering him in the right direction. What he didn't know, though, was that she wasn't the only angel in his life. The other angel...the other angel was the one who knew what Kendall wanted and needed, even when Kendall never said a single word. The other angel was the one who knew how to comfort him and make him feel better.
The other angel was Logan.
He wasn't stupid. He could feel the warm body that his arms were wrapped around. He could make out the shape of the hair. He knew that Kendall was here, with him, like he had been the first time they'd ever shared this room. He knew, also, that Kendall needed love. Kendall needed comfort. He knew that Kendall was dealing with loss and change, and he knew that Kendall didn't like loss and change.
I'm gonna be...whatever he wants me to be...always...never leave him...never change...always be here...never leave... It was all Logan could say to himself as he wandered in and out of sleep, his grip on Kendall tightening. At the time, it wasn't about him holding on to the boy he loved. It wasn't about him being an inch away from making love to the only person his young body ever wanted to make love to. No. It was about giving comfort to his best friend. It was about keeping the promise he'd made to Kendall. It was about love.
And they slept. Logan's arms remained around Kendall all through the night. Every time Kendall stirred in his sleep, Logan's arms stirred with him. Every time Logan tried to roll over onto his other side, Kendall tugged for him to stay put.
They slept peacefully.
The next morning, Kendall woke up first and immediately went for a walk. Okay. The duty was done. It was done. He'd done all he was going to do to let Logan know that he wasn't crazy, that his feelings weren't unrequited, that they were on the same page. And now it was done, and now they could move on and try to get pass the entire thing. They could grow up and be normal now.
God, I hope we're on the same page, Kendall thought as he ventured into the woods.
But as Logan slowly opened his eyes in the bed they'd shared the night in...he wondered what the hell had happened. Had it been real? It had to had been real. Kendall's side of the bed was a tousled mess, and Logan's arms were stiff from being stretched out all night. But where was Kendall now?
He left, you idiot, he told himself. He left you here all alone because you got freaky with him. He's here in his dead grandmother's house, and you were trying to creep on him!
But no! That wasn't it! That wasn't what Logan had been trying to do! He was simply trying to be a friend! He just wanted to comfort Kendall!
By hugging up on him all through the night?
But that was how their friendship worked, wasn't it? That was something they could do and not find weird, right? That was what made them special, right?
Obviously not...not if Kendall had cut and run on him.
He brushed his teeth and got ready for the day. He figured Kendall would be back sooner or later. He wouldn't just abandon him. But there'd be a space. Logan would be sure of it. He wouldn't want to creep Kendall out any further, and he certainly didn't want to make the ghost of Kendall's grandmother any angrier than she already was.
Kendall did return, and neither one of them talked about the night before. Of course, like Kendall had planned, they both thought about it over and over again, but they didn't say anything about it. And on Saturday night, Kendall lay in his own bed, wondering if he could get away with it again, wondering if he could slip into Logan's bed again and have Logan's arms around him again and have Logan's love around again and not have to face the consequences in the morning. No...too risky. Much too risky. He knew he was strong enough to leave it in that bed, but he wasn't sure about Logan. Logan probably wouldn't have the capacity to separate their friendship from their secret feelings.
Before they left, they posed for a quick picture in front of the house. Forced smiles, but they weren't too insincere. They were just happier than the boys who wore them. Though nothing at all was said - at all - about the night they slept together, it was evident to both boys that they'd reached a new level in their friendship. This new level meant new responsibilities. This new level meant new challenges.
For Logan, the responsibility was in not letting himself get carried away with Kendall. He had to keep himself focused and know that his feelings for Kendall wouldn't last forever. He'd outgrow them. It wouldn't be worth it to talk about them, because sooner or later, they'd be long gone. The challenge was in making himself believe that those feelings would indeed disappear one day.
For Kendall, the responsibility was in not indulging himself in what he felt for Logan. He knew that if he kept doing little things that put him closer and closer to putting the truth out in the open, it'd be that much harder to turn around and ignore it. The challenge was in keeping Logan close to him without having to own up to his feelings.
New responsibilities and new challenges. For the both of them.
Logan picked the memory book up from the floor, dusted it off, and put it back on his shelf. He tried not to look at Kendall, but it was hard to avoid him as he sat on the bed and didn't move.
"Logan," Kendall whispered.
"Kendall, please go to bed," Logan pleaded, his eyes closed.
"Logan, listen to me."
"I can't."
Kendall knew that he'd set it up in his mind that he would wait and plan this out and make it perfect. He'd think of when and where and how he'd tell Logan that they could be together. But now...it seemed like there was no better time or place.
"Logan, I'm ready," he said quietly, taking Logan's hand. "I'm ready."
Logan pulled his hand away from Kendall's. No...he wasn't going to let it be like this. He didn't NEED any more of Kendall Knight's declarations of friendship. He didn't NEED any more of Kendall's apologies. He didn't need any of it.
"What are you ready for, huh, Kendall?" he asked, still trying to look away.
Kendall looked down, ready to finally say it. "Us. I'm ready for us."
Maybe if Logan hadn't been so dead set on finally moving on from his feelings for Kendall, he would have allowed himself to listen to what was being said, but he couldn't. He couldn't let himself believe that the "us" Kendall was referring to was the two of them together, as a couple, in love. No. Logan knew what Kendall meant. "Us." The friends. The bro's. The buddies. The pals. Kendall and his dorky little friend Hortense. This was how it would always go. Kendall would neglect Logan for the sake of keeping Jo, and then Kendall would move heaven and earth to make it up to him. And this was more of the same.
But it wasn't. And it was a damn shame that Logan had been scarred so much, over and over again, that he couldn't see what was right in front of him.
"Go to bed, Kendall," Logan said, fighting back the tears. "Jo's plane comes in tomorrow, and you have to be at LAX to meet her."
Kendall tried to catch Logan's eyes, tried to be as sincere as humanly possible, and he had to fight back his own tears, but he did it. He got up, and he walked back to his side of the room. Logan was always surprising him. Always. He didn't know that Logan could be so strong. He didn't know that Logan had it in him to turn away this very real chance at true happiness. And all in the name of what?
Being normal?
But Kendall had given up on that, hadn't he? After Guitar Dude's song, after the beach, after Katie's latest pep talk...hadn't that all been enough to make him see sense and just do what he had to do?
But Logan's words. "Go to bed, Kendall. Jo's plane...you have to meet her." And it pained Kendall to realize it...Logan wanted him to be happy. Logan wanted him to be extremely happy. And Logan wanted him to be normal.
NOTE: I do have a ton of things to say! This chapter, believe it or not, took me a relatively short time to write (actually, I wrote most of it - from about Jo's phone call through the end - today), but it took me forever to start it because I had a crapload of school work fall on me all at once. But anyway, it's posted, and it's here! That magical time between semesters when there's virtually nothing at all for me to do is upon us, and I can't wait to spend lots of time getting wrapped up in these characters again! Next semester is gonna be very busy, so I don't know how often I'll be able to update come January-February, but hopefully it won't be ridiculous month-long waits. I'm so excited to write the next few chapters! No matter how long a wait there may be between two chapters, please know that I have NO intentions of dropping this story AT ALL. You guys still read and comment no matter what, and I'll never just leave yall hanging! And once this one is over, it'll be on to #2 (whenever I decide what #2 will be - check my profile for some ideas I'm kicking around).
Some random notes. Listen to "Cover Girl" on Elevate. If you want to understand why Kendall is with Jo beyond the "normal" angle, there's your explanation. Also, glasses-wearing baby Logan in the US flag shirt from "Big Time Interview" is EXACTLY how I picture little old dinky old dorky old Hortense in the childhood flashbacks of this story!