Disclaimer: I own Kole and nothing else.

AN: Okay. My last story had a slight inconsistency in in. I said that Steph/Kole went to Rangeman and that Steph already had a desk there. Well that was when I planned on doing a later book, but then I changed my mind. I have gone back and changed two of the chapters so that it now fits into the story and makes it so she has never been to Rangeman yet.

Relatively Speaking

By

Kole

Previously…

I knocked on Sally's front door, and the door opened on the third knock. Sally Sweet looked out at me, recognition kicked in, and his face creased into a grin. My face broke out into a grin as well, because he was exactly as I had imagined him.

"Long time no see," he said. "What brings you to my casa?"

"We're here to drag your behind back to jail," Grandma said.

"Fuck," Sally said. And he slammed the door shut.

Chapter 4

"What was that?" I asked Grandma.

"I don't know. It just popped out."

I gave another rap on the door, "Open the door," I said. "I just want to talk to you."

Sally cracked the door and peeked at me. "I can't go to jail. I'll lose my job."

"Well, uh, maybe I can help." I said.

The door opened wide, Sally stepped to the side to allow us entry, and I gave Grandma a warning glare, that I knew she would ignore. I wasn't really mad at her, but I didn't want her messing up my first meeting with Sally either.

"My mouth is zipped," she said, making a zipping gesture. "And look, I'm locking the zipper and throwing away the key. See me throw away the key?"

Sally and I stared at Grandma.

"Mmmmf, mmmf, mmf," Grandma said.

"So what's new?" I asked Sally. I was trying to act like I knew him and not like I wanted to hug him and scream about how excited I was to be able to meet him. I always loved reading the books with Sally in them. I'm in love with Ranger but I definitely love Sally Sweet, he's just so awesome and hilarious.

"I get band gigs on weekends," he said. "Weekdays I drive a school bus. It's not like the glory days when I was with the Lovelies, but it's pretty cool."

"And the assault charge?"

"It's bogus, man. I was having a discussion with this dude and all of a sudden he started coming on to me. And I was 'Hey, man, that's not where I live,' you know. I mean, okay, so I was wearing a dress, but that's my professional persona. Wearing a dress is my thing. It's my trademark now. Sure, I was playing support for a rap group, but people still expect me to be in a pretty dress. I'm Sally Sweet, you know? I got a reputation."

"I could see where it might be confusing," Grandma said.

I was trying hard not to laugh. "So you hit him?"

"Only once... With my guitar. Knocked him on his keister."

"Holy cow," I said. "Was he hurt bad?"

"No. But I broke his glasses. The guy was such a pussy. He started it all, and then he reported it to the police. He said I hit him for no reason. Called me a drugged-out guitar player. "

"Were you?" I asked.

"No way. Sure, I smoke weed between sets, but everybody knows weed doesn't count as drugs if you're a guitar player. And I'm real careful. I buy organic. I only do natural drugs, you know. It's okay if they're natural. Natural weed, natural 'shrooms…"

"I didn't know that," Grandma said. I rolled my eyes, I better not be blamed if she starts doing drugs, natural or not.

"It's a fact," Sally told her. "I think it might even be union rules that guitar players have to do weed between sets."

"That makes sense," Grandma said.

"Yeah," I said, "That would explain a lot."

Sally was out of costume, wearing jeans and ratty sneakers and a faded Black Sabbath T-shirt. He was over six feet tall in flats and close to seven in heels. He had a large hook nose, and he had a lot of black hair... Everywhere. He was an okay guy, but he was the books described him as the ugliest drag queen in the tristate area. I couldn't imagine any man in his right mind coming on to Sally.

"Why didn't you show up for your court date?" I asked Sally.

"I had to drive the little dudes. It was a school day. I take this job very seriously."

"And you forgot?" I asked, with a smile.

"Yeah," he said. "I fucking forgot." He closed his eyes and smacked his head with the heel of his hand. "Darn." He was wearing a thick elastic band around his left wrist. He snapped the elastic against his wrist and yelped. "Ow!"

Grandma raised her eyebrows. I widened my eyes slightly, before I remembered he was trying to stop swearing and thought pain might be the answer. Like I said, he's hilarious.

"I'm trying to quit cussing," Sally said. "The little dudes were getting detention for talking trash mouth after getting off my bus. So my boss gave me this elastic band, and I have to snap it every time I cuss."

I looked down at his wrist. It was solid red welts. "Maybe you should think about getting a different job."

"No fucking way. Oh shit! Damn." Snap, snap, snap. I winced slightly just hearing the snaps.

"That's gotta hurt," Grandma said.

"Yeah, it hurts like a bitch," Sally said. Snap.

If I brought Sally in now he'd have to overnight and wait for the courts to open before Vinnie could bond him out again. It also helped that I knew he wasn't going to flee, so I knew I could bring him in during business hours.

"I have to get you rebonded," I said to Sally. "We can arrange a time between bus runs."

"Wow, that would be awesome. I always have a couple hours off in the middle of the day."

Grandma looked at her watch. "We better get a move on if we want to get to the funeral home on time."

"Hey, rock on," Sally said. "Who's laid out?"

"Lorraine Schnagle. I went earlier today but they had the lid down on the casket."

Sally made a sympathetic sound. Tsk. "Don't you hate that?"

"Drives me nuts," Grandma said. "So I'm going back, hoping the lid will be up for the night viewing."

Sally had his hands in his pockets, and he was nodding his head like a bobble-head doll. "I hear you. Give my best to Lorraine."

Grandma's face lit. "Maybe you want to come with us. Even with the lid down it should be a good viewing. Lorraine was real popular. The place will be packed. And Stiva always puts out cookies."

"I could do that," Sally said, still bobbing. "Just give me a second to get more dressed up."

Sally disappeared into the bedroom, and I decided that maybe this day wouldn't be so terrible. I mean yeah, okay, I found out I'm in one of the worst books from my perspective but at least I got to meet Sally.

When Sally reappeared he was still wearing the faded T-shirt, jeans, and ratty sneakers but he'd added dangly rhinestone earrings and a vintage tuxedo jacket. I smiled at him, this was just great. At least I could enjoy my night and forget for a little while about everything else going on.

We all piled into my car and headed across town to Stiva's.

"I'm hungry," Grandma said. "I wouldn't mind having a burger. We haven't got a lot of time, though, so maybe we could do a drive-by."

A quarter mile later I swung into the drive-thru lane of a McDonald's and ordered a bag of food. A Big Mac, fries, and a chocolate shake for Grandma. Cheeseburger and Coke for me. A chicken Caesar salad and Diet Coke for Sally.

"I have to watch my weight"' Sally said. "I have this to-die-for red gown, and I'd be pissed if I fucking grew out of it." He grimaced.

"Oh shit" Snap, snap, snap.

"Maybe you should try not to talk," Grandma said, "You're gonna give yourself a blood clot with all that snapping."

I handed the bag of food over to Grandma for distribution and pulled forward. A guy dressed out in a black do-rag, homeboy jeans, new basketball shoes, and a lot of gold jewelry that flashed in the overhead streetlight exited the McDonald's and headed for a car with a high bling rating. It was a brand-new black Lincoln Navigator with gleaming chrome wheel covers and black tinted windows. I rolled closer to get a better look and confirmed my suspicion. It was Red Devil. He was carrying a huge bag of food plus a drink holder with four cups.

Shit, I was so excited about meeting Sally that I forgot about seeing the Red Devil at McDonald's. I knew he was a bad guy. I knew talking to him was of the bad. But, I my stupid mouth opened before I could stop myself.

"Hey!" I shouted at him, thinking about how stupid I was and that this would most definitely not help me in the slightest. "Wait a minute. I want to talk to you."

He stopped and stared at me and suddenly placed me. "You!" he said. "You're one of the dumb bitches who trashed my bike."

"You're calling me dumb?" I yelled back at him, insulted. It also helped that I knew that he wasn't going to do anything to me right now. "You're the one going around robbing stores dressed up in a stupid mask, riding a little kid's bike. I bet you're too dumb to get a driver's license."

"Dumb bitch," he said again. "Dumb punk-ass bitch." I reached for my gun, I was going to shoot him. I wasn't really thinking, but I hated being insulted my idiotic gang members who were so stupid that they took their mask off during a robbery.

Before I could get a shot off, the passenger side door opened on the Navigator, and I could hear guys laughing inside the car. Red Devil got in, slammed the door shut, and the car came to life.

I decided to do just as Stephanie did in the book and follow them and try to get a license plate number, but even as I decided to do it I knew it was stupid. I was just ensuring that they came after me and while that terrified me, part of me was kind of excited. I knew I would never want to live in Stephanie's world if there wasn't some kind of crazy action every now and then.

"Was that the devil bandit?" Grandma wanted to know.

"Yep." I said.

Grandma sucked in some air. "Let's get him! Ram him from behind, and then when he stops we'll drag him out of the car."

"I can't do that. I have no authority to capture him and I don't want to ruin my car."

"Okay, so we don't capture him. How about we just kick him a couple times after we get him out of the car?"

"That would be assault," Sally said. "And it turns out it's illegal."

I hit the speed dial for Morelli's number on my cell phone. I could of called Ranger, but this was a police matter and I would tell Ranger about it later.

"What do you want?" Morelli answered.

"I found the Red Devil. I'm with Grandma and Sally Sweet, and I'm following the devil guy. We're on State, heading south. I just passed Olden. He's in a new black Lincoln Navigator."

"I'll put it out. Don't approach him."

"Of course not." I said, and I could hear him sigh over the phone.

I gave Morelli the license number and put my phone on the seat, next to my leg. I followed the SUV for three blocks and saw a blue-and-white come up behind me. I pulled to the side, the blue-and-white sped past and put his lights on.

Grandma and Sally were mouths open, eyes glued to the cop car in front of me.

"That guy in the SUV isn't stopping," Grandma said.

The SUV ran a light and we all followed. I knew the cop in front of me. It was Eddie Gazarra, riding alone. He was a likeable blond-haired Polish chunk.

He was probably looking in his rear-view mirror, wishing I'd go away.

The SUV suddenly made a right turn and then a quick left.

Eddie stuck to his bumper, and I stayed with Eddie. I was worried about Gazarra, all by himself, in front of me. My cell was still on, still connected to Morelli.

"We're chasing these guys," I yelled down at the phone, giving Morelli cross streets, telling him Gazarra was in front of me.

"We?" Morelli yelled back. "There's no we. This is a police chase. Go home."

Sally had himself braced in the back seat, his rhinestone earrings reflecting in my rear-view mirror. "He could be right, you know. Maybe we should split."

"Don't listen to him," Grandma said, her blue-veined, bony hands gripping the shoulder strap. "Keep the pedal to the metal! You could be a little careful on the turns, though." she added. "I'm an old lady. My neck could snap like a twig if you whip around a corner too fast."

Without warning, the SUV went into a turn in the middle of the road and skidded to a stop. Eddie laid some rubber and pulled up a couple car lengths from the SUV. I two-footed the brake pedal and stopped about a foot from Eddie's back bumper. I knew what was coming next, my heart started pounding. I pulled my gun out.

"Get down!" I screamed. Grandma and Sally hit the floor.

The rear side window slid down on the SUV, and there was a flash of rapid gunfire from inside the car. The blue-and-white's windshield crumbled and I saw Eddie jerk to the side and slump.

"Fuck, ' Sally said from the back seat. Snap.

"I think Eddie's shot!" I yelled at my phone, as I opened up my door and shot at the SUV. I was aiming at the open window. I heard someone from inside the car yell, "Shit!" and then the SUV took off, wheels spinning, and was out of sight within seconds. I ran to check on Gazarra. He was hit twice. A bullet had grazed the side of his head. And he had a shoulder wound.

"Shit," I said to Gazarra. "You okay?"

Gazarra looked at me through narrowed eyes. "Do I look like I'm okay?"

"Well, it could have been worse." I said, smiling at him slightly.

"Gripes, what happened? It was like World War III broke out."

"Seemed like the gentlemen in the SUV didn't want to chat with you."

I'd stripped my T-shirt off and had it pressed to Gazarra's shoulder wound. I was wearing my lacy Victoria's Secret Wonderbra and I was sure all the cops were going to enjoy that. There was undoubtedly a first aid kit in the squad car, but I figured my shirt would be quicker and I easier. Even if it did leave me in just my bra, I had a coat in my car I would put on once the paramedics got here. I was pressing hard enough that my hands weren't visibly shaking, but my heart was racing and my breathing was ragged. I was a little frightened, but mostly it was the adrenaline from the car chase and shoot out. Grandma and Sally were standing huddled together in silence by my car.

"Is there anything we can do?" Grandma asked.

"Talk to Joe. He's on the cell phone. Tell him Gazarra needs help."

Sirens were screaming in the distance, and I could see the flash of police strobes a block away.

"Shirley's gonna be pissed," Gazarra said. "She hates when I get shot."

The first cop car angled in. It was followed by a second blue-and-white and Morelli in his SUV. I took a step back to allow the men access to Eddie.

Morelli looked first to me and then glanced over at Gazarra. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I was covered with blood, but it wasn't mine. "I didn't get hit. Eddie's been shot twice, but I think he's going to be all right."

I guess there are places in this country where cops are always perfectly pressed. Trenton wasn't one of those places. Trenton cops worked hard and worried a lot. Every cop on the scene had a sweat-soaked shirt and grim set to his mouth, including Morelli.

"They opened fire with an automatic weapon from the back seat," I told Morelli, as I walked over to my car and reached into back for my jacket. Well, actually it was a Rangeman wind coat that Ranger had left at my apartment, so it covered me up and made me feel a little better at the same time. "We were coming out of the McDonalds drive-thru on State, and I saw the devil guy cross the lot and get into the Lincoln. The devil guy got into the front passenger seat, so he wasn't the shooter. He had four drinks with him, so there were probably three other guys in the car. I followed him out of the lot and called you. You know the rest."

Morelli slid an arm around me and pulled me close, resting his cheek on mine. "I don't want to get mushy here in front of the guys, but there was a moment back there when I heard shots fired over the phone... And my heart almost stopped."

"Nice to know,"' I said, pulling away from him. "It happened so fast. No one got out of a car. Eddie was still buckled into his seat belt. They shot him through the windshield. I returned fire and I think I hit one of them, possibly the shooter."

"I'm going to need your gun then, to check ballistics. I'll try to get it back to you in a few days. The Lincoln was stolen. They probably thought Gazarra was going to bust them."

"No, it was me," I said, as I handed over my gun. I hoped he got it back to me quickly, I felt naked and vulnerable without it. "This is all my fault. The Red Devil knew I recognized him."

An EMT truck arrived and parked next to Gazarra. Cops were directing traffic, securing the area, shouting over the static and chatter of the dispatch radio.

"It's uncanny the way you stumble into this stuff," Morelli said. I didn't say anything to that, since I could have just drove away but I hadn't. I'm still not sure why I didn't, but I was going to be yelling at myself about it later.

Grandma was standing behind us. "Two disasters in one day," she said. "I bet it's a personal record."

"Not even close." Morelli said. His eyes darkened as he motioned to my now covered up breasts, "I like the new look."

"I used my T-shirt as a compress." I said, after rolling my eyes.

My skin was pale and clammy, and my forearms were goose-bumpy. I didn't like that I had almost got Eddie really hurt. I hated knowing that I could have prevented him from being shot if I had just drove away and kept my big mouth shut. So much for enjoying my night.

"I need to get back to my parents' house and have some dessert." I said, knowing it's what the other Steph would say and I also thought it sounded like a pretty good idea.

"I could use some dessert, too," Grandma said. "Probably they don't have the lid up on Lorraine, anyway." She turned to Sally. "I know I promised you a good time at the funeral parlor, but it didn't work out. How about some dessert instead? We got chocolate cake and ice cream. And then we can send you home in a cab. My son-in-law drives a cab sometimes, so we get a break on the rates."

"I guess I could eat some cake," Sally said. "I probably burned off a couple hundred calories just now from fright."

"Are you going to be okay to drive?" Morelli asked.

"Yeah. I'll be fine." I answered.

"Okay, be careful." He said, as he went back to work.

My mother was on the front porch when we arrived. She was rigid with her arms crossed over her chest and her lips pressed tight together.

"She knows," Grandma said. "I bet the phone's been ringing off the hook."

"How could she know?" Sally asked. "We were way across town, and it's been less than an hour, start to finish."

"The first call always comes from Traci Wenke and Myron Flatt on account of they listen to the police band on their radios," Grandma said. "And then Elsa Downing probably called. She finds out early because her daughter works as a dispatcher. And I bet Shirley called to see if she could drop the kids off so she could go to the hospital."

I parked my car, and by the time I got to my mother her face was white, and I expected steam to begin curling out of her ears at any moment. "Don't start," I said. "I'm not talking about it until I've had some cake."

My mother wheeled around without a word, marched to the kitchen, and sliced me a wedge of cake. It really surprised me that I pretty much treated my mother or well Steph's mother the same way that the real Steph had.

I followed after her. "Ice cream, I said, as I washed the blood of my hands. I would have to wash the blood off my steering wheel tomorrow.

She scooped half a tub of ice cream onto my plate. She stepped back and looked at me.

"Blood," she said.

"Not mine."

She made the sign of the cross.

"And I'm pretty sure Eddie's going to be okay."

Another cross.

There'd been places left at the table for Grandma and me. I took my place and shoveled in cake. Grandma brought an extra chair from the kitchen for Sally and bustled around filling plates. The rest of the family was silent at the dining-room table. Only my father was active, head down, forking up chicken and mashed potatoes. Everyone else was frozen in their seats, mouths open, eyes wide, not sure what to make of me with the blood on my pants. It had gotten there while I was helping Eddie, but at least I had a coat on and they couldn't see the blood on my chest.

... And Sally in his earrings.

"You all remember Sally, don't you?" Grandma asked as introduction. "He's a famous musician, and he's a girl sometimes. He's got a whole bunch of pretty dresses and high heel shoes and makeup. He's even got one of them black leather bustier things with pointy ice cream cone breasts. You don't even hardly notice his chest hair when he's got that bustier thing on."

"How can he be a girl sometimes?" Mary Alice wanted to know.

Mary Alice is in third grade and is two years younger than her sister, Angie. Mary Alice can ride a bike, play Monopoly if someone helps her read the Chance cards, and can recite the names of all of Santa's reindeer. She's in the dark on gender crossing.

"I just dress up like a girl," Sally said. "It's part of my onstage persona."

"I'd want to dress up like a horse," Mary Alice said.

Angie looked at Sally's wrist. "Why are you wearing an elastic band?"

"I'm trying to quit cussing," Sally said. "Every time I cuss I snap the elastic band. It's supposed to make me not want to cuss anymore."

"You should just say a different word than the cuss word," Angie said. "Something that sounds like the cuss word."

"I've got it!" Grandma said. "Fudge. That's what you should say."

"Fudge," Sally repeated. "I don't know... I feel silly saving fudge."

"What's the red stuff all over Aunt Stephanie?" Mary Alice wanted to know.

"Blood," Grandma said. "We were in a shoot-out. None of us got hurt, but Stephanie was helping out Eddie Gazarra. He was shot twice, and he had blood spurting all over the place."

"Eeeuw," Angie said.

Valerie's live-in boyfriend, Albert Kloughn, was seated next to me. He looked down at my blood-spattered pants and fainted. Crash. Right off his chair.

"He fucking fainted," Sally said. "Oh f-f-fudge." Snap.

I was done with my cake, so I went to the kitchen and tried to clean up my pants but it was kind of useless. I just needed to go home and change.

When I got back to the table Albert was sitting in his seat. "I'm not squeamish or anything," he said. "I just slipped. It was one of those freak accidents."

Albert Kloughn was about five foot seven, had sandy blond hair showing the beginnings of male pattern baldness, and the chubby face and body of a twelve-year-old. He was a lawyer, of sorts, and he was the father of Valerie's baby. He was a sweet guy, but he felt more like a pet than a future brother-in-law. His office was located next to a laundromat, and he dispensed more quarters than legal advice.

There was a light rap on the front door, the door opened, and Joe walked in. My mother was immediately running for an extra plate, not sure where she was going to put it. Even with the leaf in, the table could only accommodate eight, and Joe made ten. I didn't really know what he was doing here, but wasn't all that surprised to see him. He had come over in the book, but he and Steph had been dating then. I didn't say anything though because I honestly didn't really care. As long, he just was here as my friend.

"Here," Kloughn said, jumping to his feet, "you can have my place. I'm done eating. I don't mind. Honest."

"Isn't he a cuddle umpkins?" Valerie said.

Grandma hid behind her napkin and made a gagging gesture. Morelli held his response to a benign smile. My father kept eating. And it occurred to me that cuddle umpkins fit Kloughn perfectly. Even if it did make my skin crawl hearing awful is that?

"Now that everyone's here, I have an announcement to make," Valerie said. "Albert and I have set a date to get married."

This was an important announcement because when Valerie was pregnant she was thinking she might hold out for Ranger or Indiana Jones. This was a worrisome situation since it was unlikely either of those guys would be interested in marrying Valerie.

Valerie's opinion of Albert Kloughn improved with the birth of the baby, but until this moment my mother harbored the fear that she'd be saddled with Valerie gossip for the rest of her life. Unwed mothers, horrific painful deaths, and cheating husbands were the favorite topics of the Burg gossipmongers.

"That's wonderful!" my mother said, clapping a hand to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm so happy for you."

"A wedding!" Grandma said. "I'll need a new dress. And we need a hall for the reception." She dabbed at her eyes. "Look at me...I'm all teary."

Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs.

"I'm going to marry my snuggy wuggums," she said.

Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and gave me a look that clearly said 'You are so lucky you never tried to call me that.'

Although it would have been fun to see his face if I ever had.

Kloughn was standing at the end of the table with a glass of wine in his hand. "I have to make a toast," he said. "To the future Mrs. Kloughn!"

My mother went still as stone. She hadn't totally thought through the consequences of Valerie's marriage to Albert. "Valerie Kloughn," she said, trying not to show her horror.

"Holy crap," my father said.

I leaned close to Morelli. "Now I'm not the only clown in the family," I whispered, with a smile.

Morelli raised his glass. "To Valerie Kloughn," he said.

Kloughn drained his glass and refilled it. "And to me! Because I'm the luckiest man ever. I found my lovey pumpkin, my one true lovey dovey, my big fat sweetie pie."

"Hey, wait a minute..." Valerie said. "Big fat sweetie pie?"

Grandma refilled her wineglass, "Somebody stun-gun him," she said. "I can't take no more."

Kloughn rushed on. His face was flushed, and he'd started to sweat. "I've even got a baby," he said. "I don't know how that happened. Well, I mean, I guess I know how it happened. I think it happened on the couch in there..."

Everyone but Joe sucked in some air. Joe was smiling. "And to think, I almost missed this," he whispered to me.

My mother looked like tomorrow she'd be shopping for a new couch. And my father was studying his butter knife... Undoubtedly wondering how much damage he could do. Good thing the carving knife was in the kitchen.

"It usually takes Kloughns years to get pregnant," Albert said. I had my napkin over my mouth trying to hide my smile and stop the laughter that wanted so badly to bubble out.

"Historically we have a low mobility. Our guys can't swim. That's what my father always said. He said, Albert, don't expect to be a father, because Kloughns can't swim. And look at this. My guys could swim! It's not like I was even trying. I just couldn't figure out how to get the thingy on. And then once I got it on, but I think it had a hole in it, because it seemed like it was leaking. Wouldn't it be something if that was the time? Wouldn't it be something if my guys could swim through the thingy? Like I had Superman guys!"

Poor Snuggy Uggums was motoring down the road to doom, gaining momentum, out of control with no idea how to stop.

"Do something," I said to Joe. "Stop him!"

Morelli was still wearing his gun. He took it off his hip and pointed it at Kloughn.

"Albert," he said, very calmly. "Shut up."

"Thank you," Kloughn said. And then he wiped the sweat off his forehead with his shirttail.

"What about dessert?" my father wanted to know. "Isn't anyone going to serve dessert?"

It was close to nine when I finally made it home. I got a shower to clean all the dried blood off of me and threw my pants in the garbage. I got my pajamas on and crawled into bed. I was so upset that I had actively caused a shoot out just because I act before I think. I even knew to shut up and yet I didn't. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind of everything that was sure to happen now that book ten has begun, as I fell asleep. I didn't succeed because that night I woke up screaming many times with nightmares. But they weren't as bad as in comparison to how they would be after this whole mess was over, relatively speaking anyway.