AUTHOR'S NOTE: All right, yall! This one is the calm before the storm, and it is a DOOZY. 10,500+ words, not counting the ANs. I didn't want it to be this long, and I didn't originally want to put a flashback in here, and I also didn't want to reveal something so big in this chapter, and I didn't want to split this up into parts, but...well, stories have a mind of their own! I broke it up into parts just to give a good stopping point if you don't want to read it all at once. I truly hope you guys enjoy this one! Chapters 22 and 23 are going to be full of fireworks, just in time for New Year's (though I'm not promising they'll be posted by then! lol) Thanks for your reviews and support :)
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: PART ONE
Every now and then, Logan Mitchell would stand in the mirror and believe he was beautiful.
Tight dark blue jeans that showed off every part of his figure. A blue-and-white pinstripe button-down secured by a stylish black vest and adorned by a loose-fitting necktie. His hair formed a perfect peak, and his skin was clear and radiant.
Flawless.
Those moments, however, were always fleeting, as it never took long for his reflection to turn into old Hortense, with his buzz cut, buckteeth, bifocals, and early-developing acne. As Logan liberally sprayed himself with cologne, he couldn't help but think back to the olden days. It shocked him when he realized that he could very well believe that life had been easier then. Hell, the worst thing Hortense had had to deal with was someone throwing food at him in the cafeteria or throwing dirt at him on the playground or shooting spitballs at him in class. Hortense could go home, though, where all he would need was his books, his gadgets, and his parents' love.
But Logan...the teenager, the young man...his life was hectic. He had to worry about songs to sing, dances to dance, photo shoots, writing sessions, and grades to keep up. Never mind all of the young, adolescent pains. He had to worry about Kendall. And now Jo. He had to worry about people judging him with every step. He had to worry about random fans who could pop up anywhere and do anything to him. He had to worry about the party he was getting ready to go to.
But, as he caught sight of himself one last time in the mirror, he once again felt beautiful.
Unfortunately, that feeling of beauty didn't exactly translate into confidence. He was still uncertain about the entire thing. Not that Logan was some kind of perpetual wallflower - the time spent around the smooth James, outgoing Carlos, and, of course, fearless Kendall had definitely had a positive impact on him - but he had overactive nerves, and he was paranoid. What if...what if he walked in and they all laughed? What if he walked in and they all whispered and snickered behind his back? What if he walked in and there was no one there - what if Jo was trying to trick him? What if...what if...
"No more 'what if,'" he told himself aloud as he puttered around the room, trying to do a little organizing.
He'd thought about calling Jo a hundred times during the day to tell her he couldn't make it. He had good reasons, too! Valid reasons. After a small vacation, Gustavo and Kelly would be back the following day, and the boys knew they'd be in for some hard work. Logan needed his sleep, and this little party would get in the way of that. Or he could have went with the tried and true "I don't feel too well" excuse.
He could have come up with a myriad of reasons. All false, all weak, all bullshit. For a minute, he'd worked hard on convincing himself that he didn't really NEED to get over Kendall. He could just love Kendall from afar and be sad about it for the rest of his life, and it'd be totally cool. Any bullshit excuse to get out of going to this party. There was something inside him, though, screaming at him to quit with the nonsense and get with the program.
Get out and meet new people.
Dr. Riley had suggested it, and Jo was glad to help with it, so the only thing needed was Logan's will, and, though he fought hard against it, he knew what he had to do, and so here he was. If only he'd had the time to catch his breath, but it didn't matter anymore. Dressed and ready, just waiting for Jo to text him and tell him to meet her downstairs, he sat on his bed and tried to calm his acrobatic stomach by thumbing through one of his books.
The door opened. Kendall.
Logan immediately tensed up, but he wouldn't dare look at the other body as it traversed the room. As much as he was ready to move on from how he felt about Kendall, he knew that he was standing on thin ice, and just one particular look or one particular expression or one particular sigh or one particular aura could send him through.
Kendall had spent most of the day playing basketball at his favorite gym. It was one of the places he knew he'd never have to face Logan. Tired and worn-out, he was now ready for a hot bath. As soon as he sat down to take off his shoes, though, the smell hit him like a freight train. Logan's cologne. It was like...it was like every single thing that could ever turn Kendall on in his entire life. It was Logan's smile and Logan's laugh...it was the way Logan's ears pricked up when he read something interesting...it was the way Logan walked and talked...it was the way the muscles in Logan's arms felt whenever they'd have a friendly hug...it was everything. It was as if the fragrance ignored every other corner of the room and only whirled around him, fluttering on and over his every erogenous zone, making his cock swell and his heart beat a little faster. He cast a glance at Logan, who was putting up a good effort at gluing his eyes to his book. He was so fine, and Kendall was almost ready to take him and have his hot, sweaty way with him right there. Taken aback by his own unpredictable lust, Kendall gulped, and he almost...almost got up...almost...
But nope. No.
I'm stronger than he is, Kendall told himself. I gave him a chance already, and he turned it down.
He kicked off his sneakers and strode on over to the window.
"Where are you headed?" he asked Logan carefully.
"Uh," Logan began, nervous. "There's a lecture," he began to say, fashioning one of his most reliable lies. "It's all about the ozone layer...and what we should do to protect it."
"Oh," said Kendall. "Sounds fun," he retorted.
"Yeah, well..." Logan shrugged.
Unable to stop himself from gawking at Kendall's worked-out body, Logan quickly closed his book and began to organize his shelf. Kendall went into the bathroom and started the water for his bath, but as he sat on the edge of the tub, he couldn't keep from looking back at the suave, debonair-looking Logan. He had to admire it...he just had to admire the way Logan could manage to clean himself up. He'd always told him that he wasn't ugly or awkward or unattractive, and it always made Kendall blush a little when the fruits of that encouragement - a somewhat confident Logan owning all of his features and properly putting them on display - would appear. Kendall knew that without him, Logan would have never been able to gather up that belief in himself.
Kendall's eyes were fixated on Logan's back, and he felt something stirring inside him. "You look nice," he pecked when he went back into the room to get some clothes. "You look real..." He almost continued, but he let it trail off. He had to remind himself of the million-and-one reasons why "You look nice" had to be the furthest his compliments could ever go for now. If they were going to be a pair of "normal" guys - like he wanted, and like he assumed Logan wanted, too - then he couldn't do the usual Kendall/Logan thing and sit him down, look him in his eyes, and call him "gorgeous."
And Logan refused to face him. He had been hoping that Kendall wouldn't show up before Jo sent her text. His reservations about going to the party had wrapped up his mind for most of the afternoon and early evening, and he'd barely spent time thinking about his green-eyed crush, the cause of all of this. Just the thought of him, though, had the potential to send Logan into a massive attack of Kendall love, so he had to keep his cool and keep his focus.
Kendall could feel the stress between the two of them as he withdrew a pair of underwear, an undershirt, and a skimpy pair of red sleep shorts from his dresser drawers. But what was he supposed to do or say? What could he possibly say in that very moment to ease all of the tension in the room?
"I'm sorry," he blurted out.
This unexpected apology caused Logan to break his resolve and look back at him. "Sorry? For what?"
"Um...I've been doing that thing again," Kendall tried to convey. "That thing...where I start to forget that you're my best friend."
"It's okay," Logan replied, quickly turning away again and starting to just organize whatever he could get his hands on.
"No," Kendall said, his heart breaking piece-by-piece as he watched Logan fidget with pencils and pens and key chains and lucky pennies and books and rulers and all of the other things that sat on the top of his bookshelf. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize for spending time with your girlfriend," Logan said, still not looking back at Kendall. "Haven't we gone through this already? She's your girlfriend, you're her boyfriend. You guys are supposed to be together all the time."
Kendall reached for a response, but again, he was left with nothing to say. Once again, Logan had proven to be stronger than he, and he was just going to have to deal with the fact that Logan wasn't going to succumb to their feelings as easily as he was.
Fortunately, Logan's phone began to vibrate. It was Jo's text, a short and to-the-point "ready."
"That's...that's some of my friends from the Trig Club," Logan said to Kendall's inquisitive face. "They...uh...they want to meet up, and then we're going to the lecture."
Kendall nodded, and for the first time ever, he could somehow feel the years-long hold he'd had on Logan slowly loosen. "Well...don't let me keep you," he said begrudgingly. "Go and have a good time."
"Thanks."
Logan gave his side of the room one last look over and stumbled out the door.
Kendall gathered his things and settled down into his hot bath.
He's ready to move on without me, he thought to himself. He's getting other friends, and he's moving on, and...oh god, what if there's someone else? What if he's found someone else? What if there is some guy in this Trig Club, some guy who wants to take my place...some guy who isn't a scary little wimp like me? What if this guy isn't afraid to just...to just kiss him on the lips and show him - not just tell him - that he's the most amazing person in the world? And what if Logan's ready to go with him...and leave me forever?
No. Hell fucking no. Kendall was not going to let that happen. He might not have been totally ready to be with Logan openly and honestly, but he was damn sure not going to let him slip away like that. Never in a million years. To hell with seeing who could be the "strongest" out of Logan and himself. What prize was there for Logan or himself for being the "strongest?" What did that even mean anyway? Being "strong" was only going to make them both weak.
The only thing that was beginning to matter in Kendall's eyes was the fact that he could somehow feel himself losing the only person who had ever made his soul and his heart happy. He knew he had to do something before it was too late. He knew he had to make Logan realize that what they had...what they felt...it was meant to be, and it was worth all the waiting, and it was something they couldn't just bury or get over.
And maybe the strength lie not in seeing who could better ignore their feelings. Maybe the strength lie in seeing who could make the first move.
"So...how have you been?" she asked him as she put the finishing touches on her hair. She could spend hours and hours in front of the mirror trying to make everything look just right. Just perfect. Just amazing. Just...incredible. And when she finished, she'd still hate herself.
"I've been fine, love," said the boy on the other end of the phone. "I'm actually getting ready to go out to Krystal's birthday beach bash or whatever the hell it's called."
"Ha, me too. That's actually why I called you."
As soon as Jo had sent her text to Logan, she'd gotten on the phone with the most integral part of her plan. Trey Donato was one of the regular extras who appeared in the background at school assemblies, parties, the beach, and the mall on episodes of New Town High, and he was friends with all of the major cast members, including Jo. He was twenty years old, five-foot-eleven, and 150 pounds of dark Italian sex. Extremely attractive. But the attribute that made him most attractive in Jo's eyes for this occasion, though, was his ability to seduce just about any boy he wanted to have. All he had to do was give him those eyes, flash that smile, and touch him in just the right spot, and the guy would fall right into his arms. There was a long line of boys in Hollywood who'd given their hearts to Trey Donato, and Jo knew who she wanted to be next on the list.
She'd kept remembering what Logan had said the last time they'd talked. He truly believed that simply "getting over Kendall" could be solved by finding someone new. All right, then. She had someone new for him. She had her reservations, though...she still had those instincts that told her that things weren't going to be as easy as that. Her instincts also told her that things weren't going to be easy at all, especially for her, but she blissfully ignored that part. See, Jo Taylor was a smart girl. She knew where Logan had messed up. Whenever he was with Camille and when he went on the odd here-and-there date with a girl...he wasn't just trying to get over Kendall, he was trying to get over all guys. But once a queer, always a queer, or so Jo thought, and clearly, the only way to get him off her man was to get him his own man.
In her sick and twisted mind, she truly believed she was doing him a favor.
"How are you doing...in the whole boy department?" she asked Trey as she put down her brush and went back into her bedroom.
Trey giggled condescendingly. "Oh, honey...I don't know. I'm not so sure that department's even open these days."
"Oh please, Trey! You always have something lying around to play with."
"Yeah, well, that's getting boring," he replied. "I'm tired of sleeping around and seeing movies with dumbasses who only want one thing from me."
"Well, then, you know what? I think I got just the thing for you." She took a deep breath and started with her act. "You know Kendall's friend Logan, right? The smart one."
"Logan Mitchell? Yeah, I've heard of him. I've seen him around town every now and then. What about him?"
"Well...I happen to know that he's...well, he's dealing with a break-up right now. He was totally in love with someone, and that person doesn't want him anymore...well, that person never did want him, no matter how hard Logan wanted to believe that person wanted him, and-"
"Jo, please! Slow the hell down. You sound like my grandma when she complains about Medicare."
Jo took another deep breath and cut to the chase. "Look, I'm trying to hook you up with a nice guy, okay?"
"It sounds to me like you're trying to hook me up with a straight guy. I know who Logan Mitchell was dating, and last time I checked, she was a girl. But you know how things 'change' in this town..."
"You mean Camille. Trust me, Trey, Camille was just...the whole thing he had with Camille was an act." She quickly searched around for something that would make sense and just started making it up as she went along. "The whole time, he was with this guy, and they...well...Logan thought it was serious, but the guy really wasn't serious about it, and so...they broke up, and that was the end of that. And now Logan needs someone new in his life."
Trey thought about it for a moment, but to Jo it seemed like an hour.
"He is kind of cute," he finally said. "Those dimples..."
"Yes, dimples are sexy. Will you talk to him?"
"Talk to him? Is he going to be at the party tonight?"
"Yes!"
"And you're sure he's into guys..."
"Yes!"
Another moment/hour.
"All right, I'll show him a little attention. I know how tough a break-up can be on a guy's self-esteem."
Jo heaved a huge sigh of relief. "Please, I don't think I've ever known you to have self-esteem problems."
"Me? Girl, I was talking about the boys I've dumped!"
"Oh please. Someone sounds in love with himself..."
"Hey, I can't help it!" Trey replied. But then, "Jo, if you don't mind me saying, I'm starting to see something fishy about this whole thing..."
Jo panicked. "There's nothing fishy at all about anything." The doorbell went off. "And look, I'll see you at the party, and you'll see that there's absolutely nothing fishy at all, and you'll meet Logan, and you'll have a good time. Okay?"
Now feeling more suspicious than ever, Trey simply nodded his head and offered a satisfactory, "Okay, whatever you say," before Jo hung up the phone.
She went to the front door and straightened herself out before opening it. Logan stood there, the picture of perfection, and deep inside her, that jealous rage that made her do unthinkable things was slowly awakening...slowly coming alive...and slowly making her forget all of her promises.
"Logan...you're ready?"
"I am."
"Good. I think we're gonna have a great night."
The party was at a huge beach estate overlooking the ocean. The smells of sea mist, sand, and bad decisions danced together as an omen of things to come, and as Jo knocked on the front door, Logan could feel at least three days of breakfast, lunch, and dinner rising up from his stomach into his throat and racing to exit on the cement.
"Would you calm down already?" Jo insisted. "I told you, we're gonna have a great night. And who knows? You might even find someone special..."
There was something menacing about the way she said that last sentence, but Logan just chalked it up to his queasy nerves. The door swung open, and he gathered up all of his strength and confidence to put on the bravest face he could muster.
"Jo! You made it!" the girl inside announced. "Come in!"
Jo and Logan entered the house, and it was immediately evident what type of party this was. There was loud, raucous rock music blaring through what sounded like a million speakers scattered throughout the house. People danced, laughed, talked, argued, pushed, shoved, fought, broke shit, drank, smoked (good ol' legal cigarettes), and some were even making out in plain sight of everyone.
"Okay, on second thought, I think I'm gonna go..." Logan quickly said upon scanning the scene. He turned back to the door, but Jo grabbed hold of his arm.
"No you don't!" she scolded him, pulling him into her world. And this was, indeed, her world. Teens and twentysomethings with neverending finances on a neverending journey for that light-headed feeling of euphoria.
Jo led Logan over to where the drinks were set up.
"Jo, I don't want to get drunk..." he nervously pleaded. There were bottles upon bottles upon bottles of various alcoholic beverages. Vodka, gin, whiskey, rum...lots and lots of Malibu Rum. Jo's eyes lit up at the sight.
"One drink won't kill you," she told him as she reached for the Malibu. "Just get some pineapple juice and put a little bit of this in it."
Logan had rarely drank before. He knew all too well what alcohol could do to the body and the long-lasting effects it could have, and so he'd never thought twice about soaking his liver with booze. But he was starting to see why people did it, that's for sure. The music was giving him a throbbing headache, and it seemed like everyone else in the room was holding a red plastic cup. And so, he watched silently as Jo filled one up for him and handed it over. He couldn't help but notice that the rum-to-pineapple ratio in his cup was slightly more rum than that in Jo's cup, but he was too dazed to say anything.
"Drink up," she instructed, and he took a sip. He wanted to spit it out immediately, but his quick thinking allowed him to just swallow it down. He didn't want to make a fool out of himself or stand out from the crowd, and the crowd was drinking, and so he, too, drank.
As they stood and sipped, Jo observed the rest of the party-goers. "These people are all so fucked up," she said slyly under her breath. "Yeah, the girls all look hot, but half of them starve themselves and the other half makes themselves throw up. All of them are hooked on pills."
Logan's brow furrowed. "I thought they were your friends..."
"Ha," she let out. "I don't have any friends."
Surprised by her words, Logan glanced over at her, and he could see in her eyes this epic look of contempt, as if Jo personally loathed each and every single person in the room. Before he could comment, though, a trio of the very girls she'd been talking about approached them.
"Well, well, Jo, who's the new stud?" the short one, Erica, asked. She, of course, had her own plastic cup, and the slurring in her voice indicated that it wasn't her first of the night.
"This is Kendall's friend Logan," Jo introduced.
Logan was overwhelmed by the presence of the three strange girls, and he looked to Jo for guidance. Surely, they were not what she'd meant when she'd said that maybe he'd find someone special, right? All three of them looked dried out and wasted, at least ten years older than what they really were. He was desperate to get over Kendall, but not that desperate.
"Shake their hands," she instructed, and he smiled at them nervously.
"Hi..." he said, suddenly looking around for anyway to exit this group.
"He's a cute one," the blonde, Savannah, noted, reaching out to touch his hair. He began to breathe really heavily and get dizzy.
"Is he single?" Erica asked Jo, beginning to cop a few feels on Logan herself.
"I don't know," Jo answered, "but guess what! He's not deaf! Why don't you ask him yourself...you know, since he's standing right here."
The third girl, Jasmine, was the boldest of them all. While the other two continued to poke and pet Logan, telling him how cute he was and the dirty things they'd do for him if he wanted it, she took the initiative to pucker her lips and aim straight for his own. Fortunately for Logan, the disgusting stench that was coming from all three of them tickled the insides of his nose, and he sneezed before she could attack him with her tongue.
"I'm...sorry," he said shakily, carefully swatting them away. "I think...I'm gonna be sick."
And with that, he broke free of them and began to search for the nearest bathroom.
"He's weird," Jasmine whispered to Jo after he went away.
Jo downed her drink. "No, he's just gay." And the girls' eyes widened.
It didn't take Logan long to find the bathroom, and once he did, he pushed his way in. Fortunately, it was quite large, and there was only one other person in there. He went to one of the sinks and turned the water on full blast. He poured the drink down the drain and began to spray his face with the water.
What am I doing? he asked himself. What in the hell...I shouldn't be here. This isn't my type of place, these aren't my type of people...what did I think I was going to do here? Get drunk and smoke my problems away? I wouldn't think about Kendall because the only thing I'd think about is getting drunk and high? Is that really the road I was going to go down?
But what other road was there for him?
The road back to the Palm Woods, he told himself. And then the road back to Minnesota. I should have never let Jo talk me into this.
As he turned off the water and began to wipe his face dry, he couldn't help but notice the other guy staring at him. He'd been combing his hair a few mirrors down, and the whole time Logan was rinsing the filth of the handsy girls off of himself, the guy had stolen a few glances down at the neurotic dark-haired hottie.
"Forgive me for staring," said Trey as he tucked his comb into his pocket.
Logan looked at him, prepared to make another run for it. The last thing he needed was for a guy to be pawing all over him, too.
"I swear, I'm not gonna like...rape you or anything," Trey assured, keeping his distance but slowly inching closer. "I just recognized your face. You're...you're Logan Mitchell, aren't you? From Big Time Rush."
"Uh...yeah...I am," Logan answered tentatively. He wasn't sure where the guy was going with this.
"Awesome," Trey replied. "I'm Trey Donato." He offered his hand for a shake, and when he could see that Logan was still unsure, he extended it even further with a warm smile. "I won't bite, I promise."
Logan met his eyes and could see that he was sincere. He shook his hand and smiled. "I'm sorry...it's just...I came here with a friend, and I've only been here for like two minutes, and I already had random girls trying to molest me."
"Ew, that's disgusting," said Trey. "None of these people have any home training, I tell you."
"Yeah," Logan agreed. "As a matter of fact, I think I've had enough of it for the night."
"What?"
"I'm leaving."
"Aw, no, don't do that!" Trey pleaded. "I've never met a celebrity before, and I'd hate to see you leave because of one bad experience with a bunch of skanks!"
"Ha, that's nice, but I'm not a celeb-"
"Look, I'm no fan of these people either," Trey said, "but I have to come to these things to keep my contacts fresh. Usually, I show my face around for a while and then I find an empty room and just watch TV until it's all over."
"Really?"
"And you're welcome to join me."
Logan's heart began to beat out of his chest. From the way Trey dressed and talked and moved, he could assume that the guy was gay. An awful thought to have, he knew, but he couldn't help but assume. Okay, and so the guy was cute. And so the guy was inviting him to join him in an empty bedroom where they would talk and...what else? Logan knew what types of things happened at these parties. People would wake up the next morning with babies growing in their stomachs and crabs crawling around their private parts.
"I'm not...I don't...I'm not that kind of person," he said politely, going for the door. Let this guy have his fun with someone else.
"What the hell, and you think I am? Dude, we just met like five seconds ago! I'm not trying to fuck you! I just want to chill! Most of the people at these shindigs are way too messed up for me to have a good time with any of them, but you seem different."
Logan's breathing got heavy again. He was still facing the door, but he could feel Trey's eyes on his back. Was he ready for something like this? If it was a girl, it would have been different, of course. He would have merrily taken the initiative to spend some alone time with her, and he would have gotten her phone number, and he would have made sure to see her again, and he would have had many dates with her, and they would have been something to each other. But this was a guy. He still wasn't very comfortable with the idea of flirting with a guy or being with a guy or anything like that at all.
Would you just get over yourself, he told himself. You don't even know if he's gay or not. He said he just wants to hang out, that's all.
"I'm sorry," he said as he turned around. "I'm sorry. I'm just...really nervous."
"Please! There's nothing to be nervous about," Trey said. "Come on, I think 18 Wheels of Vengeance is coming on tonight."
"Ugh, I hate trucker-slasher movies!"
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: PART TWO
"You know, I have to admit something," Trey said as the opening title sequence of 18 Wheels of Vengeance rolled.
He and Logan had found a comfortable little room on the second floor. It was isolated from most of the rest of the party - in fact, the only other thing really happening on the second floor was the infamous "fun room," where the partyers who really needed to get a fix and a release went for their favorite types of medication. But Logan and Trey were far enough away from that to not encounter any problems.
"What?" Logan asked. Trey was stretched out on the bed, and Logan was seated uncomfortably on the floor.
"I'm a fan," Trey replied.
"A fan of what? Trucker-slasher movies?"
Trey laughed. "Yeah, absolutely. But that's not what I was talking about. I'm a fan...of yours."
Logan blushed and looked down.
"No, no, no blushing! I've been following you guys ever since you first got together. I remember reading the story about how Kendall handed Gustavo Rocque his own fat ass during his audition with that song about turds. I thought it was hilarious!"
Logan giggled. "Yeah, Kendall is...well, he's Kendall."
"But um..." Trey began softly. "Um...it was always you who I was most interested in."
"Oh?" Logan gulped. He was getting nervous.
"Yeah...there's something about a genius that I just find extremely sexy."
Logan immediately felt uncomfortable. Really, he felt as if he'd been tricked, as if he'd been duped into coming into this room, and now this strange guy was going to do something to him, and-
"Dude, I'm sorry," Trey suddenly blurt out. "I did not mean for that to sound as creepy as it did!"
Logan looked up at him. "No, it's okay. It's...I mean...I'm not...well...I don't know...it's...it's flattering. Thank you."
"No problem."
They sat in silence as the movie began to really start. A trucker's daughter was bullied by all of the kids in her high school until she finally committed suicide. And so, naturally, the trucker had to kill every single one of the little bastards.
Logan began to feel a little more at ease. Here he was...in a strange room...with a strange boy...watching a strange movie...and he wasn't scared for his life.
But what about Kendall, he asked himself. How would Kendall feel, knowing you were all locked up in this room with a boy? Wouldn't Kendall call you a fag, wouldn't he say you weren't normal? Wouldn't he ditch you and say that you weren't his best friend anymore?
I can't let Kendall run my life, he told himself. And maybe if he did all of those things to me, he's not the guy I've been having these feelings for all these years anymore...
Yeah, but what if Kendall didn't call you a fag, he asked himself. What if he didn't call you any names...what if he just got jealous? And what if it broke his heart to see you with somebody else? And what if...
Logan's mind was going crazy. He had to constantly remind himself that Kendall didn't feel anything like that for him, and he also had to constantly remind himself that this new guy, this random stranger he'd just met...he was indeed a random stranger he'd just met. He'd made the mistake of mentally latching onto Michelle too quickly and too hard within minutes of meeting her, and that had not turned out well at all. He had to remember the lesson learned from that experience.
"I'm sorry for weirding you out," Trey chimed in. He realized that his suspicions about Jo's little favor must have had some truth to them. It was clear that Logan was nowhere near comfortable discussing his feelings.
"You didn't weird me out," Logan replied, making sure to at least smile a little to show that he really wasn't weirded out. He thought about the fact that his assumption about Trey had been right, and he thought about what that meant.
"Uh...so...when did you find out you're gay?" he asked inquisitively. It didn't occur to him how that might be a question too personal.
"Oh?" Trey asked. "Um, well...we got the diagnosis when I was about ten. I kept doing this weird thing where my junk would get big whenever the Backstreet Boys were on TRL, and so..."
Logan began to laugh. "I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have asked you that."
"No! It's okay, trust me. If I didn't make jokes about it, I'd die. No, really, though, I found out when I was about ten. I guess I just...found out the way most people find out. There's that one special person that you keep thinking about and thinking about, and as you get a little older, the way you think about that person changes and matures and...well, you know how that is. It just so happened that my one special person was another guy."
Logan nodded.
"I never had any issues with it at all, though. I mean...I had a crush on a guy. I just accepted it as normal and that was it. I knew what it meant to be gay, I knew that it meant I was going to have a lifetime of shit to deal with, but I wasn't going to let that get in the way of how I really felt about that guy. And then me and him...we got together, we did things in secret, but he made me swear I'd never tell a single person, ever, and so I didn't. But I got tired of it, and I ended it, and I haven't looked back since. Once upon a time, he was my whole entire world, but now he's nothing but a distant memory."
And Logan wondered...would Kendall ever be just nothing but a distant memory to him? He couldn't imagine it, but wasn't that what he'd been wanting ever since this whole thing started? All he wanted was to "forget about Kendall," the same way Trey had seemingly forgotten about that first boy he'd ever loved. And whether he went back to Minnesota or stayed here and tried to find someone new - someone like Trey, someone like Michelle, someone like Camille, someone like Kendall - at the end of the day, wasn't it his goal to no longer have any feelings for Kendall?
"Do you ever really get over your first love, though?" Logan sorta thought aloud, his eyes on the floor, as he reflected on his current situation.
"Ha," Trey answered just as reflectively. "It's hard. Trust me, it's hard. I loved that guy from the time I was ten up until the time I was eighteen. For a while, I never thought I'd get over him. My heart would get stuck on him. No matter what I'd do or who I'd do it with, I'd still think about him. All of these little things from my memory would keep coming back to me, and it'd make me want him all over again. But I realized, once and for all, that if someone isn't willing to claim his feelings for you, if he's not willing to stand up for you and tell you that he loves you...does he really love you at all?"
It all seeped into Logan's mind. It all reminded him so much of what he'd been going through. In love with a guy at ten years old...trying so hard to project that love onto other people, but failing every single time...having a head and a heart and a soul that was just wrapped around that one person, no matter what. Having those memories that would never die...it was all just as much a part of Logan's story as it was a part of Trey's.
And the part about that special person not being able to stand up for you and tell you that they love you...show you that they love you...
A rainy May night...May of this very year.
Everyone else was gone. Mrs. Knight was seeing a movie with some of the other Palm Woods moms. Katie was bothering Mr. Bitters in the lobby. James was at a party, and Carlos had convinced the Jennifers to let him take them shopping. Jo was in North Carolina with her parents, and Camille had just left for England.
And so Logan and Kendall were home alone.
"So, what's up for us tonight, best friend in the world?" Kendall asked as they sat on the couch.
"Well," said Logan, "I don't know about you, but there's a seal documentary on tonight, and I can't wait to watch it!"
"Oh! Wow! Exciting! Seals!" Kendall feigned. "Or we can play nonstop video games 'til the sun comes up."
Logan rolled his eyes and looked up from the magazine he'd been reading. "Kendall, when given the option of enriching my mind with new facts about one of the world's most overlooked and underrated animals or rotting my brain with hours upon hours of mindless video games, which do you think I'd prefer?"
Kendall pondered for a moment. And then he got up to turn the video game on.
"Kendall!" Logan whined. "I'm serious!"
"Okay?" Kendall responded nonchalantly. "And so am I. I'm not gonna let you sit here and numb your mind with all of this brainiac stuff just because you can't deal with Camille leaving."
"Camille? None of this has anything to do with her!" Logan fired back.
"Sure it doesn't."
Just as Kendall was about to grab the remote control to switch the TV input to the video game console, Logan hid it behind his back. "I'm watching seals!"
"We're playing video games!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
And then fate made the decision for them, as the TV, the video game, the air conditioner, the lights, and all other electrical devices in the house shut off. Power outage.
"See! Look what you did!" Logan cried out in the dark.
"Yeah, that's right, blame it on me," Kendall huffed as he felt his way to the couch to sit down next to Logan. They were silent for a while, but then Kendall sort of poked at Logan's side.
"Stop it," Logan protested, trying to move away from him.
"Are you seriously still trying to read? We're sitting here in pitch black darkness, and you can't put your book down and have fun for five minutes? Oh, Hortense...I didn't realize you had it that bad for ol' Camille."
"Don't. Call me. Hortense!"
"Hortense, Hortense, Hortense, Hortense!"
Kendall tickled and poked and prodded at Logan until they were both on their feet and stumbling around the living room. Kendall chased Logan and then Logan chased Kendall. They got quick glimpses of each other through the flashes of lightning that lit up the room, and it had the effect of strobe lights. Their laughing was continuous, but with each moment of visibility, each boy's smile grew bigger and wider and happier.
"You swore you'd never call me that ever again!" Logan reminded him. Kendall had him pinned against a wall. Logan's arms were stretched up, but so were Kendall's, and their fingers were interlocked. Their faces were inches apart.
"Says who? I never did!"
"You can now. You can swear you'll never call me that ever again now..."
They both tried to catch their breath, but it seemed like the heat was getting hotter and their breathing more heavy.
"What else can I do now?" Kendall asked. It was dark, but their eyes were on each other like spots on a leopard.
Logan's breathing finally calmed as he felt Kendall's grip on his fingers tighten. "Kendall," was all he could say. Was it a question? Was it a warning? Was it an invitation?
Kendall started to chuckle, like a clown in a horror movie. "Ha..ha...ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha ha ha ha ha..."
He released Logan and started to feel his way through the room to the hallway. "I'm going take a bath."
Logan oriented himself after their game of cat-and-mouse and tried to follow him. "Kendall, it's dark, it's raining, and it's lightning! Taking a bath right now is definitely not the greatest idea!"
"I'm not scared of lightning and rain," Kendall shrugged. "And as for the darkness...I have an idea."
And an idea it was.
As Kendall sat in the tub, slowly and meticulously scrubbing his fair skin, soaping up his hair, and cleaning every single part of his body, Logan stood in the doorway, flashlight held awkwardly in his hand and pointed at Kendall, with his back facing his naked friend.
"You...you could have just lit a candle or something or got a lantern or something or...you know...anything that didn't involve me standing here...you know...doing this..."
Kendall didn't answer. Just washed himself...but no matter how hard he scrubbed and washed, he'd never be completely clean. He'd still have something on him and in him, something that would never go away...he'd still have the stain left by his feelings for Logan. He didn't know why he was forcing Logan to do this...all he knew was that, in this moment, it felt right. It was like dipping your toes in the water to see if it was too hot or too cold...he had to make baby steps before he could truly walk with integrity. Being in this tense situation, where he wasn't completely sure of what he would do if he had the nerve to do it...it was just a little bit of the preparation he needed before he could finally get up the courage to say something or do something big.
And Logan stood, his eyes staring long and hard at everything in their bedroom, wanting to just turn around and face Kendall. He wondered if this would be it...if this would be the moment when Kendall would finally let go and love him. He knew he'd waited long enough...he knew he'd kept his self-control close by through too many situations and episodes to not be rewarded, finally, with the gentle touch and tender kiss he'd been yearning for ever since his childhood days. Oh, if only Kendall would just get up and...if only Kendall would just take him and...
But if Kendall didn't, he'd understand. If Kendall wasn't ready, he wouldn't force him. If Kendall wasn't ready, he wouldn't hold it against him. If Kendall wasn't ready, then Logan wasn't ready either.
But he was so fucking ready...so ready. And if he couldn't act on his feelings now, he didn't know what he would do.
And then he heard Kendall stand up, the water dripping from his body like Niagara Falls. Logan could smell the soap in the air, the scent of cleanliness. The rain continued on, as did the thunder and lightning, but as far as they were both concerned, there was nothing outside this room. No apartment. No hotel. No weather. No trees. No California sun, no California coast. No California. No Earth.
Just this room. Just them.
Logan could feel him coming closer behind him. He could hear the footsteps. He could feel Kendall's hands take the flashlight from him and turn it off. He could feel the darkness envelope them. He could feel Kendall wet arms touch him, and he could feel the thing that made Kendall Knight a man rub against the back of his shorts. He could feel his own body part growing just as much.
"Kendall," he moaned as his would-be lover put his hands on Logan's hips. Once again, was it a question, warning, or invitation? Or was it just the verbalization of what he felt inside, meaning nothing in particular but also meaning everything?
The lips. They were on his neck. They were...they were touching his neck, and they were kissing his neck, and they were working their way down, and just as Logan turned around to cash the check he'd put in so many hours for...
"I can't," said Kendall, a look of anguish on his face.
"I can't," he said again.
He hugged tightly to Logan, and then it didn't even matter that he was naked. It didn't matter that he was wet and getting Logan wet, too. He was crying on his best friend's shoulder and telling him that he couldn't do it, that he couldn't love him.
"I can't," he said again for the third time, and then he just started repeating it over and over again.
"Kendall," Logan soothed, "it's okay...it's okay..."
But then Kendall began to back away. He unclasped his arms from around Logan's narrow torso, and he just backed away, almost slipping on the wet floor, until his flesh sat on the closed toilet seat.
"I can't," he said through his tears, his face in his hands. "I can't...I don't want to. It's too much...it's too much change...everything would be different...and I don't want that...I can't deal with it...I can't deal..."
Logan was stone-faced. So close! He'd gotten so close! They together had gotten so close!
But Kendall couldn't. And he didn't want to.
And so Logan couldn't, either. And Logan didn't want to, either.
He closed the bathroom door and changed for bed. By the time Kendall had recuperated and gotten dressed, Logan was fast asleep, or at least pretending to be. He wondered what would happen if he'd just gotten up and joined Kendall in the other bed. Would Kendall have been able to, then? Would he have wanted to, then? But he decided against it. He couldn't push Kendall. He couldn't force him. And so he slept in his own bed, dreaming, as he'd always done, about what it would be like to slip into the other, or for the other boy to slip into his.
The following morning, he was none too surprised to find Kendall gone. He already knew how this would play out. Whenever Kendall would return, it would be as if the night had never happened...as if it had never happened...as if nothing at all had ever happened. And Logan would roll with it, as he'd always done, and he'd file it away in that secret part of his mind where he kept the things he didn't want to face. He'd bury it so deep that he'd get back to believing that Kendall didn't love him at all...that Kendall would never love him.
But he wants to be normal, Logan reminded himself as the icy cold fragments of remembrance began to stab at him. He wants to be normal...and that's why...that's why I've convinced myself that he doesn't love me. That's why I've blocked out all of the truth, that's why whenever he looks at me and I know it's love...I tell myself that it's not, that it's just him being friendly, that it's just him being nice. When I wrapped my arms around him in that bed when we were fifteen, I told myself that he just needed a friend, but I knew the truth...when he stood naked before me on his eighteenth birthday, I told myself he was just being silly, but I knew what he wanted...when he said that he was "ready" just a few nights ago, I told myself that he was ready to lead me on again, but I knew that he was ready to love me. Oh, but if I were to ever allow myself to acknowledge that he does feel the same way as me, that he does love me, that he does want me...then we'll do all of the things we want to do with each other...and to each other...and everything would change, and Kendall doesn't like change, and he told me to never change, to always stay the same...and...and then he'd hate me for changing on him, and he'd hate me for making him face all of his fears, and he'd hate me for making his dad right. His dad called us fags, and his dad called us not normal, and Kendall just wants to prove his dad wrong, and so I've made myself miserable because I love him so fucking much...and I just want him to be happy.
Tears began to stream down his face.
"Logan...dude...are you crying?" Trey asked, peering over the side of the bed and hearing the sound of sniffing. It was as clear as day to him, now, that Jo had manipulated him into being involved in something way more serious than adding to his "boy department." He didn't know what was going on in Logan's head, but clearly, a one-night stand was not what he needed.
"No," Logan said through the tears. "No...no...I'm fine, it's just..."
He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. The thoughts just invaded his mind like the opening strike of a lightning war. It just hit him so hard, it pushed so much at his nerves and his heart, and it just...it drained him of everything. He'd repressed so much of what he knew to be true...he repressed so much of it because it was easier for him to believe that Kendall didn't love him, but he always knew that one day, he'd think about it again, and he'd acknowledge it again, and it would just hurt.
But still...still...no matter how much he knew Kendall loved him, no matter how much he knew Kendall wanted him, he wasn't going to give in. He remembered the look on Kendall's face when his father raised the hockey stick...he remembered the way Kendall tearfully said that he didn't want his life to change, that he wanted things to just stay the way they were...he remembered "I can't. I don't want to. I can't deal."
"Look, I gotta go..." he tried to say quickly as he got to his feet. He didn't need this guy's pity. This was guy was a far cry from Kendall. He could never be to Logan what Kendall had been, and there was no use in trying to make it seem like he could be. He was merely a subpar replacement, just like Camille had been and just like Jo. None of them - no one - could replace true love.
"No, dude...I don't think you're okay," Trey said, sliding off of the bed and going after him. He grabbed Logan's shoulders and spun him around. "And if you go out there, someone's gonna fill you with drugs. Now, something's bothering you! What is it?"
"I'm in love with someone!" Logan yelled through his tears. "I'm in love with someone, and he doesn't love me!"
He broke down in Trey's arms, and the Italian Stallion did his part perfectly. He grandmothered Logan into a hug and told him that things have a way of working out.
And outside in the hallway, one young lady was hearing and seeing for herself that things indeed have a way of working out.
Were they hugging? Were Logan and Trey hugging? Oh yes, they were! And Jo could not have been happier. Yeah, she'd had some doubt that maybe this wouldn't work out the way she hoped it would...yeah, she had thought that maybe Logan's little schoolboy/puppy love crush on Kendall wouldn't be so easily squashed, but she was seeing it for her own eyes through the crack in the door. Logan was hugged up with Trey, and that meant all was going to be well for her.
She was on cloud nine, and she hadn't even had a single a cigarette in her mouth the whole night. All she needed to know was that her plan was working. Trey Donato, that son of a bitch, was doing exactly what she wanted him to do, and Logan was falling for it hook, line, and sinker!
And all of those girls. The Ericas and the Savannahs and the Jasmines and the Krystals...those girls who talked shit about her behind her back, the ones who said she was ugly and fat and gross and boring and plain and dull...they'd continue to be jealous, and they'd continue to be pressed, because Jo Taylor would still be on top of the world.
She turned away from Logan and Trey's room and began to stroll down the hallway. Some of her acquaintances came out of the fun room.
"Look who it is!" the guy, Dylan, said. "Miss Josephine. I see you're back where you belong."
"Ha," Jo replied with a shit-eating grin. "Maybe I am, maybe I'm not."
"I'm sure you have something to celebrate, don't you?" he asked her, luring her in deeper and deeper.
And the furthest thing from her mind then was the promise she'd made to Kendall. She cared not about staying sober or staying clean. She had something to celebrate! She had something to be happy about! So what if she took a few victory puffs, a few celebratory shots, and a couple of winner's doses? It didn't matter, because the next day, and every day after that, Kendall was going to stick with her through thick and thin!
And so she nodded her head slowly as Dylan led her into the room.
Kendall stood in front of the mirror.
I owe her this much, he told himself.
If he was going to finally do it...finally throw it all away...finally face the music...finally tell Logan the truth, he at least owed Jo something. He owed her just a little bit of the love he'd always tried to give her but could never give completely.
We'll have a good time, and she'll be all right, he told himself.
He never hated Jo. On the contrary, he'd fallen for her the same way he'd fallen for every other girl he'd been with. She'd been attractive to him. Of course, everyone else saw Jo Taylor, the new girl, the flashy blonde from North Carolina who seemed to have it going on, but Kendall knew the real Jo. Kendall knew Gretchen.
He'd forced the story out of her, and once it had been told, he knew he'd found the girl for him. This was a girl who needed him, a girl who needed his love, who needed his attention, who needed his affection...this was a girl who needed someone to care about her because so few people had cared about her before.
This was a girl...who was so, so, so similar to Logan.
Or at least Kendall had thought she was.
Oh, things had been great at first. She'd opened up and gotten out of her shell. She'd gotten confidence. She'd gotten a sense of self-esteem. She'd gotten to love herself, and it was all because of Kendall. And for Kendall, it was great, because now he could pretend she was Logan. He could pretend she was the one he really wanted, and sometimes, if he closed his eyes, he'd fool himself into believing she really was him.
But then came the drugs.
Kendall wasn't enough for Jo. He never was. She didn't just want to be loved by a boy. Oh no. She wanted to be envied by everyone...she wanted everyone to be as jealous of her as she had been of them. And so she drank...and she smoked...and she popped pills...and she had sex with boys who were too drunk or too high to give a fuck about her. And they made her feel great...she would see the sour looks on the faces of the Ericas and the Savannahs and the Jasmines...and she'd love every minute of it.
But then she'd go running back to Kendall. She'd run back to his arms, and he'd be ready to take her. And he knew, deep down, that no matter how many times she swore to him that "this time" would be better, that "this time" would be different..."this time" would be the same as all of the other times.
She was no Logan. Logan was sweet and kind and gentle and cute and adorable and warm and friendly and selfless and...Logan was love. Kendall would look at him and just feel an immense adoration, and maybe it was because Logan had always kept his promises. He'd promised Kendall that he wouldn't change, and he never did...he always left things up to Kendall, but Kendall would always back down at the last minute.
But not anymore.
He owed it to Jo, though. He didn't want to leave her and let her world fall apart. He wanted to have one last night with her before breaking her heart. And tonight would be that night.
He was ready. Kendall Knight was ready to face the truth.
He looked himself over once more, gathered up his things, and headed out of the bedroom on his way out of the apartment.
"Where you headed?" his mother asked.
"I'm meeting Jo at a party for one of her friends."
NOTE: Uh oh! And I wonder what room he's going to find first...the one where his girlfriend is being a druggie or the one where his best friend/the boy he loves is confiding in another guy?