Relatively Speaking

By

Kole

Previously…

Inside the box, was a necklace with a silver Batman symbol pendant with 'Babe' engraved on it…

I sat there for hours writing and reading and making lists. I probably would be doing the same thing tomorrow night as well, but I already felt better knowing that what I could remember from the books was written down…

I looked at the time and saw that it was really late. I cleaned up my table and put my stuff in a safe place, or well as safe a place I could find. I was going to have to get a safe, and a security system.

I put my gun on my bed stand, crawled into bed and passed out.

Chapter 8

In the morning, after my run and shower, I had breakfast while looking over my notes from the night before. I was just rereading them to make sure I didn't miss anything or might remember something that I forgot to write down. Everything seemed accurate and I couldn't remember anything else that I might have missed.

After I ate, I dropped a blueberry into Rex's cage.

"Hey Rex, how are you this morning?" I asked him. Rex twitched his nose then grabbed the blueberry and ran into his can.

"Yeah, I love you too." I said. I rolled my eyes at myself and got ready to go. I looked down at my necklace. I still couldn't believe that Ranger had given this to me. I felt so loved just wearing it. I shook myself out of my Ranger thoughts, I had other things to deal with before Ranger was even back in the country.

I opened the front door and stopped. "Shit."

There was graffiti was on the front door. Not just any graffiti, gang symbols. I had forgotten about this. I remember that this happened at Morelli's in the book. I didn't think this would happen at my apartment, especially since I hadn't gone to Comstock with Lula.

A sudden thought hit me. 'My car.' They had painted graffiti on the Buick in the book, they had better not have touched my car.

I ran outside and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that my car was untouched. I didn't know why they didn't, but I really didn't care because I was just happy that my car wasn't covered in graffiti.

A wave of fear hit me. I was hoping to avoid becoming a target for the Slayers, but I guess I hadn't. I didn't know a lot about gangs, but I was coming up to speed fast.

I took a deep breath and calmed myself down. I didn't need to freak out, yet.

I went back up to my apartment, snapped a picture of the symbol on my door, and called Dylan, my building's super. Dylan was up in a few minutes.

"Hey, Dylan. You think you can do something about this?" I asked, pointing to the graffiti on my door. He looked at it for a moment and told me he could take care of it, if I happened to have any beer.

"Yeah, there's some in the fridge. Help yourself. I have to go to work, can you lock the door when you're done?" I asked. He readily agreed and I thanked him, and then went back down to my car.

I wasn't going to tell Morelli about the gang symbols on my door because I knew he would just freak out and I didn't really want to deal with him today. I would've told Ranger but he wasn't here, so I was going to keep it to myself for the time being.

Ten minutes later, I was at the bond's office. Lula and Connie were inside and greeted me as I entered.

"Damn girl, you look you got no sleep" Lula commented.

"Gee, thanks." I said sarcastically, as I plopped down on the couch.

"You should know Vinnie's not happy. He said there's just five days left on Roger Banker's bond" Connie told me.

Banker was a repeat offender; well that's what his file said anyway. His name dinged something in my memory, but I couldn't place it. I had been looking for him for a while. He was unemployed, living off an indeterminate number of loser girlfriends and loser relatives. And he was hard to spot.

Banker had no memorable features. Lula and I had been collecting photographs of him and committing the photographs to memory with hopes that would help. I had no problem dragging his ass in, once we found him, but finding him was harder than anticipated.

"Okay," I said, "let's make the rounds. Maybe we'll get lucky."

The rounds consisted of Lowanda Jones, Beverly Barber, Chermaine Williamson, and Marjorie Best. There were other people and places to include in the Banker hunt, but Lowanda, Beverly, Chermaine, and Marjorie were my top picks. They all lived in the projects just north of the police station. Lowanda and Beverly were sisters. They lived four blocks apart, and they were a car crash.

I drove, since Lula still didn't have her car back from it bursting into flames and whatnot. It was being fixed right now, I was paying for it. I told Lula about my idea to write everything down and about how I was making a list of the things I wanted to do or change about my life now that I was here as Steph. I also told her about my lovely door decoration from this morning. Lula listened and asked me of she could look over my notes and maybe help me make my list of what I wanted to change. She said she had some ideas. I told her I would love that and invited her over tonight to do just that.

We cruised into the projects. "Who's first up?" Lula asked.

"Lowanda," I told her.

The projects covered a large chunk of Trenton real estate that was less than prime. A lot less than prime. The buildings were redbrick, government-issue low rise. The fencing was industrial chain-link. The cars at the curb were junkers.

"Good thing for the gang graffiti or this would be real drab," Lula said. "Wouldn't you think they could grow grass? Hell, plant a bush."

I didn't say anything, but I was getting a sense of déjà vu. I knew I had been here before with Lula a couple times, but I still felt like this was different, like I should be remembering something about this time.

I turned onto Kendall Street and parked two doors down from Lowanda's garden apartment. The term garden being used loosely. We'd been here before so we knew the layout. It was a ground-floor unit with one bedroom and seven dogs. The dogs were of varying sizes and ages. All of indeterminate breed.

We got out of the car cautiously, on the lookout for the pack of beasts.

"I don't see any of Lowanda's dogs," Lula said.

"Maybe they're in the house."

"Well, I'm not going in if they're in the house. I hate those dogs. Nasty-assed humpers. What's she thinking, anyway, to keep a pack of pervert dogs like that?"

And I remembered why this was making me remember, because this is something that I should remember. This was in the book. This was where Steph and Lula got attacked and humped by a bunch of dogs. I was a little nervous now. There was no way in hell that I was going to let a pack of crazy dogs hump me.

We knocked once. No answer.

"Maybe we should just come back tomorrow." I said, hoping we could just get back in the car and leave.
"No way, I know she's in there," Lula said. "I can hear her talking, doing business."

Lowanda did phone sex. She didn't look like she was rolling in money, so I was guessing she wasn't all that good at the job. Or maybe she just spent her money on beer, cigarettes, and chicken nuggets. Lowanda ate a lot of chicken nuggets. Lowanda ate chicken nuggets like Carol Cantell ate Cheez Doodles.

"Look Lula, Banker's not here. This was in the book, so I know we won't find him here and we will also end up being attacked by the horny dogs. So let's just go." I said.

"Come on White Girl, we can just look and get out before the dogs get us. I don't see em anywhere, or hear em. Do you?" Lula asked, I couldn't argue with that and besides we had come much later in the day in the book so we probably wouldn't even see the dogs.

I knocked again and tried the doorknob. The door wasn't locked.

I held the door open a crack, and Lula and I peeked in. No dogs in sight.

We stepped over a suspicious stain on the rug and stared into the jumbled mess that passed for Lowanda's home. There was a mattress on the floor in the far corner of the living room. The mattress was covered with a tattered yellow chenille spread. An open, empty pizza delivery box was on the floor by the mattress.

Clothes and shoes were scattered everywhere. A couple rickety folding chairs had been set up in the living room. The backs of the chairs said 'Morten's Funeral Parlor.' A big brown leather recliner had been placed in front of the television. The recliner had a gash in one arm and in the seat, and some of the stuffing was spilling out.

Lowanda was in the recliner with her back to us, a phone to her ear and a bucket of chicken nuggets balanced on the roll of fat that circled her waist. She was wearing gray sweats decorated with ketchup stains.

"Yeah, honey," she said into the phone. "That's good, baby. Oh yeah. Oh-h-h-h yeah. I just got myself all naked for you. An' I got love oil on myself 'cause I'm gonna get hot."

"Hey!" Lula said. "Lowanda, you paying attention here?"

Lowanda jumped in her seat and whipped around to look at us.

"What the hell?" she said. "What are you doing scaring me like that when I'm trying to earn a honest living?" She returned to the phone. "Excuse me, sugar. Lowanda's got a small problem. Could you just work on yourself some? I be right back." She covered the phone with her hand and got up, some of the chair stuffing sticking to her double-wide ass. "What?"

I was getting a bad feeling. This was sounding just like the book. This could not be happening. I refused to be humped by dogs.

"We're looking for Roger Banker," Lula said.

Lula went back and forth with Lowanda and then went to search the other rooms.

"I'm willing to pay for information," I told Lowanda, because I really couldn't remember what information she had. "Do you have any information?"

"How much you paying?"

"Depends on the information," I said.

"I got an address." She handed the phone over to me. "You talk to this guy, and I'll write it down."

"Wait a minute,"

"Hello?" Mr. Stiffy said. "Who's this?"

Aw, hell no. that was Vinnie's voice and this was so not happening.

"Vinnie?"

"Stephanie? Christ." Disconnect.

Lowanda came back with the paper. "Here it is," she said. "This is where he's staying."

I looked at the paper. "This is your sister's address."

"And? What happened to my caller?"

"He hung up. He was done."

Lula returned to the living room. "Lowanda," she said, "you better do something about your kitchen. You got a cockroach as big as a cow in there."

I gave Lowanda a twenty.

"This is it? This is all I get?" Lowanda said.

"If Banker's at Beverly's house, I'll be back with the rest of the money."

"Where's the dogs?" Lula asked, looking around.

"Out. They like to go out when the weather's nice." Lowanda said.

Lula opened the door and looked around. "How far out do they go?"

"How the hell do I know? They go out. And they stay out all day. Out is out."

"Just asking, no need to get touchy. You don't exactly have the best-mannered dogs, Lowanda."

Lowanda had her hands on her hips, lower lip stuck out, eyes narrowed. "You dissin' on my dogs?"

"Yeah," Lula said. "I hate your dogs. Your dogs are rude. Those dogs are little humpers."

"Wasn't so long ago people was saying that about you," Lowanda said. "You got some nerve coming around here asking for information and then dissin' my dogs. I got a mind to never give you no more information."

I grabbed Lula before she removed Lowanda's eyes from her eye sockets, and I shoved Lula out the door. I couldn't believe this, we came at a different time of day and it was still playing out the same way in the book. I was really getting sick of Fate making me do things I was trying to avoid.

"Don't. We're leaving." I said to Lula.

"I think she insulted me," Lula said. "I'm not ashamed of my past. I was a damn good 'ho. But I didn't like the tone of her voice just now. It was an insulting tone."

"I don't care what tone she had... get your ass in the car before the dogs get us."

"What's with you and the dogs? Here I just been insulted, and all you can think about is the dogs."

"Do you want to be standing here when those dogs come running around the corner of the building? Cause that's exactly what is going to happen."

"Hunh. I could take care of those dogs if I had to. It's not like I'm afraid of those dogs."

"Well, I'm afraid of those dogs, so haul ass."

And that was when we heard them. Yipping, yipping, yipping in the distance. On the move. Getting closer. Somewhere out of sight, to the side of the building.

"Oh shit," Lula said. And Lula started running for the car, knees up, arms pumping.

I was two steps in front of her, running for all I was worth. I could hear the dogs round the corner. I turned to look, and I saw them right behind us, eyes wild, mouths open, tongues and ears catching wind. They were closing ground fast, the biggest of them in the lead.

Lula let out a shriek. "Lord help me!"

I guess the Lord was listening because they ran past Lula and came after me. I pulled open my car door, jumped in, and slammed the door. I could hear the dogs hit the door and saw them jumping at my window. I breathed a sigh of relief and then gasped in shock as the dogs turned to Lula.

Lula shrieked as they turned on her. She tried to run away, but the first dog hit her square in the back, sending her to her knees. Not a good position to be in when you're attacked by a pack of humpers. She tried to push it herself back up, but the dogs were on her, and she couldn't get up. She had humpers on both legs, and a bulldog that looked like Winston Churchill humping her head.

There was a humper on a humper.

"Help me! Get your skinny ass out here and save me!" Lula yelled at me.

"Get up!" I yelled at her. "You gotta get up! Those dogs'll hump you to death."

Dogs in inferior humping positions were snarling and nipping, jockeying for better locations. The leg humpers held tight, grimly determined to finish the job, but the head humper kept losing his grip. He'd hump some and slide off, and then he'd come scrambling back, trying to hump again.

"I can't get up!" Lula said. "I've got seven humping dogs on me. Seven. Do something!"

"I am not getting out of the car, so you're going to have to save yourself."

"Ah, hell! I'm just gonna let em finish. They'll go away once they finish." Lula screamed. I figured that could work, since there was no way I was going to try and save her. I loved Lula, but I was not going to be humped by dogs.

The door to Lowanda's apartment crashed open, and Lowanda yelled out to Lula. "Hey!" she said. "What are you doing to my dogs?"

"We aren't doing anything," I said, after I rolled down my car window. "They're humping Lula."

Lowanda had a bag of dog kibble in her hand. She shook the bag and the dogs stopped humping and looked around. Lowanda shook the bag some more and the dogs gave a couple last halfhearted humps and took off for the kibble.

"Dumb-ass bounty hunters," Lowanda said, disappearing into the house with the dogs, slamming and locking the door behind her.

"I thought you were a goner," I said to Lula, as I got out of the car.

She was on her back, breathing heavy, eyes closed. "Give me a minute."

"You're a mess," I said. "Those dogs humped all over you. And you got something in your hair from that bulldog."

I helped Lula stand up.

"I'm going with drool. It looks like drool, right?" Lula asked.

"Um, sure. Just so you know, I don't feel bad about the humping. I warned you that we should just leave, but noooo. You didn't see any dogs." I said, smiling while Lula huffed at me.

Lula and I moved to the safety of the car, and I made my way Beverly's apartment.