AUTHOR'S NOTE: All right, so this took longer than I originally promised. Sorry! But whatever, summer has officially begun, and I'm finally ready to focus more time on writing. I miss it a lot yall! Thanks for your reviews and messages! Here is Chapter 25.
CHAPTER 25
As he pushed the button in the elevator, Logan could feel his knees shaking furiously, and he wondered if it would have been best if he'd just gone to the nurses' station and gotten one of those wheelchairs that they were always forcing people to use. He couldn't imagine himself being able to walk the distance to Jo's room without fainting.
Mrs. Knight had called him first thing in the morning to give him an update. Jo was alive, she was awake, but she was still weak and still needed rest. She'd suggested that Logan come immediately to the hospital to give Kendall the friendly support he needed, but Logan refused several times before saying yes. He knew the awkwardness would kill him...trying to be Kendall's "best friend" when he'd just been Kendall's lover the night before. How dirty would that have made him? How evil? How wrong? And all the while, Jo would probably be lying there, knowing in her heart exactly what the two of them had done the night before...wanting nothing more than to pick up the nearest sharp object and try again at ending her own life.
Logan just hated the whole thing. He tried to find solace in the fact that everything was now out in the open with Kendall, that they'd talked, they'd made love, they'd finally come right out and addressed their feelings. But as the old adage goes, it's always darkest before the dawn, and Logan knew that the night wasn't over yet.
He remembered what room number Mrs. Knight had said Jo was in, and when he approached it, he stopped. He remembered what Carlos had said about the cuts...they were probably deep...and all over...in Logan's mind, she'd only cut her wrists, but what if she'd just went crazy on herself? Blood and gashes and wounds everywhere?
I am here for Kendall, he told himself. I'm here to help him feel better, because I told him that I'd always always always be there for him.
He pushed the door open and stepped inside, but Kendall wasn't there, and neither was Mrs. Knight.
But she was there.
Jo's bed was in the center of the room, the beeping still going on and on. She lie flat on her back, wires sticking out of her arm, but her head was turned to the side, away from the door. Logan sighed in relief...she was sleeping. Thank God. He could slip right back out of the room and wait in the hall until Kendall and Mrs. Knight returned, but...
"Logan," Jo whispered quietly, her voice cracked. She didn't even turn to face him, but somehow she knew it was him. She'd overheard Mrs. Knight on the phone earlier, begging him to come, and she'd wanted him to come, too. They needed to talk. She needed to talk. Just as the previous night had been a big blur for Logan and Kendall, it had been one for her, too, and now that it was morning, that big blur was starting to clear up - everything was starting to clear up, and she was starting to see things in a different light.
"Jo..." Logan replied, just as weak, just as cracked. "I...I...I'm gonna let you get some rest."
"I'm rested."
"But maybe you should sleep..."
"I slept all night."
"But-"
"Come in, Logan, please."
She turned her head to face him, and he was horrified. She didn't even look that much different. Definitely better than she'd looked the night before. But still...her eyes...looking into her eyes filled Logan with so much guilt. It made him recall the afternoon in her apartment when he'd made her believe that Kendall loved him, not her, and that they'd made love and that...
Oh my God, but those things are true now, he remembered. Those things are true! We did make love, and he does love...Kendall does love me.
He carefully walked deeper into the room, sitting in a chair next to the bed. How could he possibly sit here and talk to her, knowing that he was the reason why she was even here in the first place?
"Jo, I'm sorry," he said. "I'm...I'm sorry."
The corners of Jo's mouth slowly turned up into a creaky little smile. "Sorry for what? It's not your fault that I can be...a little crazy."
Logan didn't know what to say. Part of him wanted to say that she wasn't crazy, but shit...she'd cut herself up and now she was lying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires sticking out of her. Crazy. But it was easy for him to call her crazy, though. It wasn't him whose world was spiraling apart, was it?
Jo stared up at the ceiling, shaking her head a little to get rid of some of the pain. "Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen," she sighed, and Logan's eyebrows furrowed. "Gretchen, you're doing a lot. You're doing a fuckin' lot."
"Uh, Jo..." Logan said, not understanding what was going on.
She took a deep breath and turned back to him. "Logan," she began, "there are so many things...so many things...that you don't know anything about at all. Like...so much shit. And it's unfair that you don't know about it. But I'm gonna start telling you now."
Logan turned his head in thought, wondering what he was about to learn, but he remained silent as Jo began to tell her story. She took another deep breath.
"Remember that picture you saw at my place? The one that I said was of my cousin?"
"Yeah."
She shook her head. "Wasn't my cousin. That was me."
"But I don't understand..."
"You're not so smart after all, then," Jo quipped, but a quick smile afterwards let Logan know that she wasn't trying to be mean. To be honest, Logan didn't know what she was trying to do or how she was trying to be.
"Jo is not my name. Not my first name, at least. No, my name is Gretchen. That's the name my parents gave me, and that's the name I answered to all the way up until I came to California. It's a long story."
"Oh...well..." Logan said, still unsure of what to do. "You should get some rest."
"No," Jo replied. "I'm going to tell the story."
Logan just nodded.
"I did have a cousin, and she did look just like me. Well...except for the fact that she was gorgeous. Way prettier than I ever was or will ever be. She had long, blonde hair...clear, creamy skin...deep eyes...and she was fucking perfect. Everybody loved her. She was on the cheer squad, she played flute in the band, she made straight A's, she volunteered at nursing homes...she was sweet to everybody, and she just had everyone wrapped around her little finger. But nobody gave a damn about me. Everyone made me the butt of their jokes. Everyone picked on Gretchen. My grandmother always made fun of me...all of our other cousins would pull pranks on me. Even in school, the other kids treated me like shit. I never had a boyfriend. The boys actually used me as a joke. The worst thing you could ever do to a guy in our school was spread a rumor that he had a crush on me. I'd come home from school crying so much...and my parents didn't care. They told me it was my own fault for being a nerd, for keeping to myself...if I was like my cousin Ashley, then I wouldn't have so many problems."
A flood of familiarity came through Logan. Damn...he knew the feeling. He knew exactly of what Jo was talking about, because he'd lived it himself. "Jo, I didn't know..." he said.
"I'm not finished," she announced rather blankly, as if she'd somehow numbed herself so that she could tell the story. "Everyone wanted me to be more like Ashley, and so I did get more like Ashley. I grew my hair out...lost weight...got contacts. We even started hanging together. People still made fun of me, but it was getting better. And then, one night, my parents had taken Ashley out for her birthday. They always did things like that with her instead of me. They said that she'd appreciate them more than I could. But whatever. They went out to dinner for her birthday. On their way back home, the weather got really, really bad, and my dad couldn't see the road too well. He pulled over to be safe, but the shoulder was muddy and slippery...and he couldn't keep control of the car...and...well...they crashed into a tree."
"Jo!"
"I'm not finished," she told him again, as if she was trying to make a point. "They crashed into a tree. And they all died. All three of them died on impact. And...and...and everybody blamed me. They all blamed me. They said that if I was a better daughter, then maybe my parents wouldn't have had to take Ashley out instead of me, and then maybe they wouldn't have gotten into the accident, and then maybe Ashley would still be alive."
She was crying now, but Logan kept his distance. It was clear that she didn't want to be bothered or comforted.
"Believe it or not, the only people who cared about me were my aunt and uncle...Ashley's parents. I moved in with them and had to sleep in Ashley's old room...but they did their best to take care of me. They had to protect me from everyone else in the family, but it got to the point where my uncle...the one I call Dad now...he decided that it was time for us to just move. And so we did...and we came to California."
Logan sat riveted. He never knew any of this...at all. He wondered if Kendall knew...if he did, he definitely did a damn good job of keeping the secret. But then again, Logan knew that Kendall was good at keeping secrets.
"We came to California, and it was like a chance to start all over again for me. I didn't have to be stupid little Gretchen, I didn't have to just be 'Ashley's cousin.' I could be whoever I wanted to be. And so my aunt took me to a stylist, I got made over, and then I started going by my middle name, Josephine, or just Jo for short. That's when I decided to get into acting. And that's when I met Kendall."
Just the mention of the name made Logan uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat and looked down, the pangs of guilt vibrating throughout his entire body.
"Kendall was...well...he was the first guy who ever cared about me," Jo said softly with a slight tone of remembrance in her voice. "There were guys who wanted to be with me, but they just wanted to be with me because of how I looked. Carlos and James, for example. But Kendall got to know me...he was the only one who was able to figure out that something wasn't right about the bullshit story I'd made up for why we came here. He figured it out, and he made me tell him the truth, but he didn't dump me or leave me or treat me like shit...he loved me. Or...at least, he pretended to love me."
Logan closed his eyes slowly, the guilt getting to be too much.
"Jo, I never wanted anything like this to happen," he said sincerely. "I never wanted it to be like this, and you have to believe me! I never wanted to hurt you!"
"Yes, you did," she replied coolly. "I wanted to hurt you, and you wanted to hurt me. There's nothing wrong with admitting that."
"But not like this!" he protested, motioning to the machines and wires. "I should have let him talk to you first! Before we...before we did anything..."
Jo stared into the space in front of her as Logan fumbled for words. He didn't have to say anything...she already knew. She knew they'd kissed, but she also knew deep down that they'd been more intimate than that. She just knew. But she wasn't mad. Not anymore.
"Logan, please understand...I didn't tell you any of this to make you feel bad or feel guilty or...whatever. I just needed to let you know so that you could understand why. Why I needed him...why I fought so hard for him...why I couldn't let him go."
Logan nodded. He could respect that. He could even empathize with that. Hadn't he himself tried his hardest to get over Kendall but couldn't? He knew what it was like to be loved by Kendall Knight. He knew what it was like to have him be the only person in the world who truly, truly wanted you...the only person who knew how to push your buttons and make you smile at the same time. He knew where Jo was coming from in that regard, but still, since she was here and all about telling the truth now, he felt the need to introduce some of his own home truths.
"You could have kept him," he whispered to her. "He was ready to be with you forever, Jo."
"I know," she said, now feeling a little guilty herself.
"He was ready to...basically throw away everything that he really felt for...me...and just to be with you for the rest of his life. He was going to do that, but you wouldn't let him."
"I know," she repeated, closing her eyes. "And that's another thing, I guess. Even though I had him, and he made me feel incredible, I still needed more...I needed something on a superficial level. And so that's why I started going to the parties and sleeping with other guys and getting high and getting drunk and all of that stuff..."
"You lost him because of that," Logan broke.
Jo nodded in recognition of her own blame, but then she wondered aloud, "But did I ever really have him in the first place?"
Logan's eyes darted to hers, and for the first time, he didn't feel bad about this. He didn't feel as if he'd done something wrong or like he'd betrayed someone. He felt...somehow, he felt at peace. As if he'd been a roller coaster that was now slowing to its end. He and Jo could both maturely talk about this and identify where they both had gone wrong, and they would learn from it, and they would move on. For the first time in a long time, Logan felt as if things were looking up.
Jo cleared her throat and spoke hesitantly, as if speaking hurt her emotionally more than it did physically. "Whatever...um...whatever you guys decide to do, you and Kendall...um...I hope...I hope it works out for you."
"But, Jo, what about you?" Logan asked, always the one to put the feelings of others above his own.
"Don't worry about me," she replied. "I'm gonna be okay."
Logan didn't believe her, and he was afraid of what she was really thinking about herself, but before he could press her for any further explanation, light streamed into the room from the open door as Kendall and Mrs. Knight returned.
"Logan!" Mrs. Knight exclaimed, giving him a hug. When they broke apart, she beamed at him. "I knew if there was anyone who would brighten up everyone's spirits, it would be you." She smiled at him and kissed him on the forehead before tending to Jo.
Kendall stood in the shadows for a moment. He observed his mother as she sat and talked with Jo, then he turned to Logan, who was aimlessly looking out the window, doing his best to avoid eye contact with him.
"Me and Logan are gonna go get some air," Kendall suddenly announced, and Logan's eyes shot to him.
"What?" Mrs. Knight asked. "But Logan just got here, and Jo's awake, and-"
"Let them go," Jo smiled. "I don't want everyone to fuss over me. Besides, I'm sure the best friends have a lot to talk about."
Kendall's ears pricked up as he caught the glance between Jo and Logan. He and Logan slipped out of the room and walked silently to the elevator. When they got in, they stood stiffly, just a few inches away from each other, but they remained quiet. Kendall was so unpredictable with his emotions, and Logan didn't know how to deal with it most of the time, but he just kept his cool and followed his best friend's lead.
They found a nice, quiet spot in the courtyard, and Kendall was careful to find a bench that he knew couldn't be seen from Jo's room. They sat, and as the early morning wind whipped through their hair and the sun lit their faces, they both wondered who was going to make the first move.
And, of course, Kendall took the lead. He aggressively grabbed Logan's hand and held it, squeezed it, petted it...
"How did you sleep last night?" he asked, finally calming down and resting his hand upon Logan's on his own thigh.
"Good," Logan replied. "How about you?"
"I didn't sleep."
"Kendall! You need your rest!"
Kendall shook his head. "I wasn't gonna get any. It's not like I deserve it anyway."
"Oh, Kendall..."
Kendall let go of his hand. "What did she tell you?" he asked, turning on the bench to face Logan.
Logan looked down. He just wanted a minute to forget about everything and just be there with Kendall. He didn't want to discuss the various dramas and traumas of their lives.
"Everything. About her...why she came here...who she really is..."
Kendall nodded slowly. He knew it was way past time for Logan to know the truth. "Did she hurt you?"
Logan was taken aback. "Hurt me? God, Kendall, no! No! She...she was actually nice...nicer than she has any right to be. Kendall, I think she wants us to be together!"
Kendall smirked. "Heh. That's what she wants you to believe."
"No," Logan said. "She told me herself...whatever we decide to do, she hopes it works out for us."
"It won't."
"How do you know that?" Logan asked, getting a little bit dismayed by Kendall's reaction. It was like Kendall was a different person now, completely different from who he'd been the night before. The sensitive creature of the night, the beautiful young man who wanted to stop running from his fears...he'd turn into someone who was trying his hardest to put on this cold, rough exterior that wasn't hiding much at all.
"Because she's gonna do everything in her power to make sure it won't. I know how she is...she may have told you the whole Gretchen story, but I know exactly how she is and how she likes to manipulate people. Now that you have your guard down, she knows she can get one over on you."
Logan shook his head. "Kendall, I think you're wrong. I listened to her...I looked her in the eye...and I know she was being honest. Please..."
Logan took Kendall's hand and tried to get closer to him, his body still shivering at the reality of his and Kendall's newly established openness with one another.
"No," Kendall said, pulling away, and making Logan's face turn pink. "This is what she wants. She wants us to be together so that she can tear us apart in the worst way. We can't let her win."
They sat in silence for a while as Logan thought on Kendall's words. He always had such blind faith in his best friend, the boy he loved, and he always trusted everything he did and said. Even if he himself was sure that Jo was no longer an issue, he couldn't help but second guess his own conclusion simply because Kendall had other thoughts.
"What do you think...we should do, then?" he asked Kendall, but there was a lump growing in his stomach, one that had a feeling that Kendall's answer was going to make him cry.
Kendall turned to him slowly, shaking his head. "We can't do this right now. Last night...everything that happened...that has to be it for right now. Just until Jo's out of the picture."
"But she IS out of the picture!" Logan exclaimed. "She almost killed herself! And she's sorry now!"
"It's only an act!" Kendall replied just as loudly. "She's only trying to trick us, Logan! And we can't let her!"
"So," Logan began tearfully, "what are you saying? After all of these years, all of this time...we still can't...we can't..." And he slowly caressed Kendall's thigh, never once breaking eye contact. Kendall touched his hand.
"We can't tell anybody about it. We just can't tell anybody yet. We have to keep it a secret. If we tell people, then Jo's gonna...she's gonna...she make it bad for us. You have to believe me, Logan."
Logan didn't know what to say, but the sound of Kendall's voice and the look in his eyes...it helped him to realize what was really going on here, and his heart almost broke at the realization.
"Kendall, you don't have to be scared," he said, still rubbing his thigh, still looking into his eyes.
Kendall shook his head. "I'm not scared."
"You are," Logan reiterated, "but you don't have to be."
"I'm not scared of anything," Kendall insisted, but he knew his resolve was breaking.
"You're scared of what she might do to herself if we got together...you're scared of what people are gonna say...all the reasons why you tried to fight what you felt for all this time...you're still scared."
The protests stopped, but Kendall still gave off the impression of someone trying to hold on to a sinking ship. Logan just kept rubbing his thigh, hoping that his love was evident in his touch.
"Remember what I told you," he said quietly. "I told you that I'd never leave you...and I won't. I can't. I've tried, but I can't."
A single tear rolled down Kendall's cheek as he turned to Logan. He leaned over and kissed him, stroking his hand and tasting his sweet lips. "I'm sorry," he whispered as Logan hugged him after the kiss. "I'm sorry. I keep messing us up."
And Logan could have just accepted that apology and let it go and tried to forge ahead on their new path, but he knew that unfinished business could be a bitch. He knew that no one could ever truly move forward until they let go of their past. It was why he could never "get over" Kendall. It was why Kendall could never "get over" him. He knew that he and Kendall would never be happy unless all of Kendall's fears were addressed head on, and Logan knew that that meant a lot of time would come and go before they could truly rest with one another, with only blue skies ahead of them. He knew that Kendall would want to fight it, that he would want to turn and run away from his problems, but Logan promised himself to never let Kendall fail. He would push him to face all the things that had kept them apart, and it would be hard on himself sometimes, too, but he'd be strong enough for the both of them.
Upstairs in her bed, Jo felt at peace. Every time she told someone the Gretchen story - she'd told it to Kendall, to Trey, to some guys who she thought would feel sorry for her and treat her right, to some girlfriends who only pitied her, to Mrs. Knight that very morning, and now to Logan - she felt stronger, she felt more at ease, and she felt more accepting of herself and who she really was. She didn't feel the need to be the big attention whore she'd become anymore...she didn't feel the need to have every single thing she thought she wanted. No, she felt...content. Maybe she was terrified of the fact that she really had tried to kill herself...maybe she felt guilty about all that she'd put Kendall and Logan through thanks to her own insecurities...maybe she was just growing up and getting a grip. But she felt better...she felt clearer...she felt good.
Her "parents" had arrived by the time Kendall and Logan returned to the room, and so Jo insisted that they and Mrs. Knight go home and stop worrying about her. She needed time alone with her family to remember where she'd come from so that she could figure out, once and for all, where she was going.
Kendall, Logan, and Mrs. Knight made their way downstairs and were walking out of the hospital.
"Well, I guess they're gonna have a lot of soul-searching to do," Mrs. Knight commented in regards to the Taylors. "A lot of pain to deal with." She turned to her son. "Are you sure you're gonna be okay?"
Kendall hesitated before answering, but he just nodded. He looked to Logan. "I'm gonna be just fine, Mom."
NOTE: Kendall Knight doesn't like being weak. When a challenge is in front of him, he likes to attack it head on. How is that going to affect what he has with Logan? How will it affect his relationships with his family and friends? Stick around to find out!