AUTHOR'S NOTE: All right, guys, I know you're probably tired of me and my excuses for constantly being late with chapters! To keep things short, I started working on this one a while back, and I decided that it would be best to write several chapters ahead of time so that there wouldn't constantly be pauses between them. It meant a longer wait before this chapter, but it also means that you'll be getting a new chapter every single day this week! Just to give you a heads up, the story is quickly coming to a close. Chapter 32 is gonna be the end! There's still room for one more big twist, so keep reading! Thanks to everyone who has held on this whole time...love you guys more than you could know!
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Kendall was feeling rough after he, Logan, and his mother returned from the hospital. Listless...restless...lifeless...meaningless. All of those depressing feelings came together within him and made him feel like he was worth absolutely nothing in the world. He didn't know how he would make it out of this funk, or if he ever would. Yeah, his talk with Logan in the hospital courtyard had been a good one, and it put some things into perspective, but Kendall Knight was the type of guy who agonized and agonized about everything. He just kept imagining how his whole world was going to change, and it was slowly driving him crazy.
"Don't you think you should get some sleep?" Logan suggested when they got to their bedroom. He closed the door behind them as Kendall sorta eased over to his bed and sat down.
Of course, Kendall didn't reply. He was too tired to say that he was tired...too exhausted to even let himself rest. He carefully removed his shoes and placed his face in his hands, staring down at the floor.
Logan was at a loss. Part of him knew he had to tread lightly...he didn't want to do anything that would send Kendall back into his shell, back into that place where he pretended he didn't have any feelings for his best friend. But at the same time, Logan knew that if he just stood around and did nothing, he could still lose Kendall. He had to do something, but he had to do just the right thing...if only Kendall was the type of person who was open and upfront about what he wanted.
He sat next to Kendall and thought about touching him...there was still a bit of hesitation in him about bridging their bodies in that way. Hell, for all of the events of the previous twelve hours, still, it'd been less than twelve hours since they'd come clean with one another about their feelings and made love. Logan was still unsure of allowing himself to indulge in his own feelings, but he went out on a limb and rubbed Kendall's back. Soft, tickling circles in the center of his back. He made sure to give it that special touch to remind Kendall that they weren't "just friends" anymore.
"What's wrong?" he asked Kendall quietly, but he already knew the answer.
Kendall just shook his head. There was a knotted ache in his head, one that he could not shake, and the more he rubbed his skull, the less it seemed like he would find relief. Maybe it wasn't even a physical ailment...maybe it was just a bundle of nerves and emotions. It didn't matter how much rest he got or how far away from reality he could separate himself. Whenever he woke up, the facts would remain the same. He was gay, and he was going to have to deal with it. He'd have to tell the world, and everyone would know, and everyone would treat him differently, and everyone would change. He wouldn't be Kendall Knight, the fearless leader, anymore. People wouldn't let him be that anymore. Nope, they'd all look at him as a weakling. Not only was he gay, but he'd been in the closet for years. Weak. Everyone would abandon him.
Everyone except for Logan, whose gentle fingers danced on Kendall's back like ballerinas performing the most graceful of routines.
Logan, Kendall's inner voice kept calling out. Logan...Logan...Logan...Logan...the keeper of his heart. The owner of his love. Logan...Logan...the one who always made him feel better...the one who just wanted to be with him no matter what...the one who waited forever...and the one who promised to never go away...Logan.
Kendall opened his eyes and turned to Logan, placing a hand on his cheek. He brought his mouth to Logan's, and they kissed, and Kendall's breath grew violent as he longed to taste every bit of Logan's love on his lips. They parted, and it took them both a second to regain composure. Logan's name continued to echo through Kendall's psyche, and Kendall's began to echo through Logan's.
"I'm gonna go...uh...start some bathwater for you," Logan offered. As much as he wanted to give in to the passion, he knew that there was a time and a place for it. In their room, with Carlos, James, and Mrs. Knight stirring around on the other side of the door, was not the place. He got up, but Kendall rose right behind him and followed him into the bathroom.
Logan loves me, he kept thinking. Logan is going to protect me...Logan is going to take care of me...Logan...
Logan knelt next to the bathtub and turned on the water, adjusting the knobs to find the perfect temperature. Kendall stood in the doorway and watched intently. He had so rarely ever let anyone take care of him. He always figured it made him look weak. But he had to remember...this was Logan. Logan would never see him as weak...Logan would never think of him as some soft baby who needed help. Logan would take care of him, but he'd always look up to Kendall as his hero. And that was why Kendall could allow himself to be taken care of by Logan.
"There," Logan said, once he knew the water was just the way Kendall would like it. He just wanted Kendall to rest. Get in the tub, take a bath, then get into bed, where he could sleep the day away and not worry about a single thing. They'd had way more than enough excitement for the day so far.
But when he got to his feet and turned from the bathtub, Kendall was right behind him, and the door was closed. The smallness of the room meant they couldn't escape each other's personal space. Logan tried to resist, but he knew he couldn't...he knew he wouldn't dare turn Kendall away. And so, when Kendall tugged at Logan's hands and moved them to the edge of his shirt, Logan yielded completely to his control until he found himself taking Kendall's shirt off by his own free will.
The shirt came off first, and, the brown eyes trained on the green ones the whole time, Logan then began to unbutton Kendall's pants. Slowly, he unfastened them, and just as slowly, he unwrapped the lower body of his lover. He crouched down to get the pants off of Kendall's feet, and, without looking up, he reached to pull off his underwear as well. When Logan stood again, he stood beside Kendall's naked body, piercing eyes, and soft lips, and there was an immediate stir in his own clothed body.
"Kendall, we can't...not here...your mom-"
But Kendall took his hand for support as he stepped into the bathtub and lowered himself down into the water. Logan stood puzzled for a second, unsure of what Kendall wanted him to do, but when Kendall reached around in the bath and held up a towel and a bar of soap, his eyes pleadingly making the request, Logan got the idea.
Quietly, Logan fell back to his knees and took the towel and soap from Kendall. He dipped them into the water with shaky hands, and he tried to make eye contact to make sure this was what Kendall wanted, but Kendall's eyes were closed, his head back, and his breathing easy. He was in a state of pure relaxation, and he wanted Logan to bathe him. Logan's palms were so sweaty, his nerves so jumpy. He'd waited almost his whole lifetime for a moment like this, and here it was, and he was absolutely terrified.
He's gonna get up and leave, he told himself. He's gonna snap out of it and wonder what the fuck I'm trying to do to him...he's gonna come to his senses and beat my ass for trying to make him not "normal." He's gonna tell everyone I perved out on him...
But Kendall didn't do these things. No, with his eyes still closed, he took Logan's towel hand and moved it to his body, guiding it from his neck down the center of his torso to the sensitive navel. He guided the hand back up again, and then he conceded control to Logan, who repeated the move Kendall had shown him once more before exploring the rest of his body. Kendall twitched when Logan slightly pinched his nipples, and he shivered when the towel grazed the soft skin of his underarms. Then, Logan moved the towel down...down...down...and he hesitated before letting it touch Kendall's manhood, but Kendall once again guided him to it, clasping his hand over Logan's and letting him rub the entire length of his cock. Logan's breathing was so heavy and uneven. It didn't matter that they'd been as intimate as two people could be the night before...this was different from sex. This wasn't done in a bed in the dark...this was being done in the light...where they could see each other...where nothing was hidden. Every feeling, every thought, every desire, every body part was seen in its bare essence. It was more nerve-wracking than sex could ever be.
After going down the length of each of Kendall's long legs, Logan began to rub the soap all over his body, letting the slippery bar mark its own journey as it slid and sloped over Kendall's biceps, triceps, and abs. He kneaded Kendall's skin and muscles, feeling the younger guy's body release tension with each and every stroke. Logan moved the soap between Kendall's legs, but this time, he didn't hesitate. He let the soap fall into the water as he wrapped his hand around Kendall's growing erection, his own cock getting hard on contact.
"Mmm," Kendall moaned softly.
Logan's eyes darted to Kendall's face, and he could see a sincere look of ecstasy expressed even through his closed eyes. Kendall's toes curled, and the erection twitched in Logan's hands.
"Fuck," Kendall moaned, a little louder than before, and Logan quickly turned to the door, afraid someone might hear them and come in. He summoned the strength to let go of Kendall's dick and continued soaping his body.
After Logan rinsed the suds off of him, Kendall shifted over in the tub, and Logan soaped up his back as well, coming behind with the towel to scrub. He worked his way down the center of Kendall's back and under his armpits before letting the soap trace the shape of Kendall's butt. He could feel Kendall twitch again upon being touched in such a sensitive area, but Logan soldiered on, not wanting to get too carried away with the pleasure.
Logan dropped the soap and towel into the water, and Kendall began to rise. Logan took his hand to help him out of the tub, but his efforts to stay dry were futile. Kendall dripped all over the floor and all over Logan's clothes, but he didn't seem to care. Logan grabbed a large towel from the shelf and began to dry Kendall off, trying his best to not get aroused. Kendall just stood, frozen like a statue, as Logan toweled him off. The coolness of the air, the wetness of his skin, and the feeling of Logan's hands all over his body put him in a state of semi-shock, as if he was coming out of an unconscious state in a foreign land.
"I'll get you some clothes," Logan said once Kendall was dry. Kendall just nodded and stayed in place.
Logan slipped out of the bathroom and closed the door. He paused for a minute in the darkened bedroom to get his thoughts together. It just felt...surreal. Positively surreal. He could touch Kendall in all the ways he'd ever wanted to touch him...he could take Kendall in his arms and rock him to sleep, promising him that everything would be all right, and then give him the sweetest kiss on the lips to prove it. It was so overwhelming, but it was that eager type of overwhelming that a person never wanted to let go of.
Ever paranoid about Kendall suddenly having a change of heart, Logan quickly rummaged through Kendall's dresser and got a T-shirt and some boxer briefs. Before he could go back into the bathroom, however, Kendall was already coming out, still naked, and the light streaming in through the closed curtains hit his body and tinted it the most radiant color of morning gold. With his highly expressive face and sculpted body, he looked like a work of art. Logan was caught off guard by the sight, but he focused. He knew that at any minute, someone could have walked into their room. The door wasn't locked, and Mrs. Knight and Carlos were in the living room.
But maybe that's what Kendall wanted. Maybe that's why he was being such a daredevil. Maybe this was how he wanted everyone to find out. Mere words - "I'm gay...me and Logan are gay...and we love each other" - were just that, words. They could say those words to people, but who would truly understand them? But if they saw those feelings with their own eyes...if they could see Logan and Kendall's lips meet, their eyes get wrapped up in each other, their bodies clinging together, their souls tangling together, their hearts beating together...then how could they deny that love? How could they not support it? How could they not want these two young men to be together forever?
And before Logan knew it, he and Kendall were kissing again. He hands were on Kendall's hips, and Kendall's were on his shoulders. He stopped caring if someone walked in. They'd wasted years upon years of not openly loving each other because they were afraid of other people. Now that they were brave enough to be honest with each other, they deserved to share that love. Their tongues rubbed up against each other, their lips gently bit at each other. Logan lost control for a minute and just had his hands squeezing all over Kendall's body with wild abandon.
When the kiss was over, Logan carefully dressed Kendall, fixing the snug-fitting underwear over his cock and around his behind. He slowly put the T-shirt on him, and it felt like he was dressing a doll. But this doll was his...his own living doll, who would love him and be there for him forever.
He carefully lead Kendall to his bed and pulled back the covers. Kendall slipped in under the covers, and for a second, it looked like Logan was going to slip in right next to him, but they both knew that they'd been risky enough for the morning. Logan carefully perched himself on the side of the bed, and his brown eyes stared deeply into Kendall's green ones. They were both at such a loss for what to say, but Logan said what came naturally to him.
"I love you," he whispered breathlessly.
Kendall just nodded, his eyes getting heavier. "Don't leave me," he said.
And so when he closed his eyes and very quickly drifted off to sleep, Logan didn't leave him. He sat on the side of the bed and caressed his face, even long after Kendall was lost in dreamland. He vowed he'd never leave this boy, and he was going to keep that promise no matter what. Now more than ever.
"I'm sorry...for earlier..."
"Kendall, you don't have to apologize for that."
"No...I creeped you out...and I'm sorry."
"I wasn't creeped out. It was...actually...kinda nice."
"In a creepy way."
It was a little bit past 2pm, and Kendall had just waken up from what ended up being a six hour nap. Not the full day of rest that Logan had hoped he would have, but more than enough sleep for Kendall to function on for the rest of the day. Logan had kept his promise, too, to stay with him the whole time. In fact, it was only when Kendall woke up to go pee that he'd finally moved over to his own bed, where he sat now when Kendall came from the bathroom with his apology.
"I'm sorry," Kendall repeated, but Logan just shook his head.
"I told you already-"
"No. I'm apologizing for...I guess...apologizing," Kendall clarified. "I'm just kinda stumbling over everything. I don't know what to say or how to feel anymore."
Logan got up from his bed and approached Kendall, who looked at him with a pair of uncertain eyes. "I'm no more sure about anything than you are," he explained, hoping it would give Kendall some relief. Fortunately, it did, and Kendall chuckled a little before sitting down. Logan sat next to him.
"Yeah, that might be the case, but you're definitely being cooler about it than I am," Kendall sighed, rubbing his hand down the side of his face and smiling at Logan.
"Please, Kendall," Logan scoffed. "I'm shaking in my boots. I've been shaking in my boots for years. If I seem cool now, it's because I'm just trying to be strong for-" But he stopped mid-sentence, not sure if he wanted to complete the thought, not sure if he wanted to neuter the great Kendall Knight, who was always strong enough for himself.
"I know," Kendall replied. "I know."
Logan slowly nodded as he looked at the floor, glad that he could openly talk about all of the inner turmoil he'd been dealing with over the years. "I've played through at least a million scenarios in my head," he continued. "In some of them, I'd tell you how I felt about you...and you would hate me. You would say that we could never be friends ever again. And it'd make me so worried...so worried. I'd start thinking about going back to Minnesota or quitting the band or just running away. I didn't want to lose your friendship, but I knew that what I was feeling was getting to be way more than what I could control."
Kendall took the words in and slipped an arm around Logan's lower back. "I'll never hurt you," he soothed. "Never."
"I know."
"I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that because of me...because I was too scared to tell you that I felt the same way. Logan, I always knew how you felt. I always knew. There were so many times when I wanted to just let you know that I understood and that I wasn't mad and that if you ever needed to...feel close to me...you could have. You could have, but I wouldn't have let it go too far. I would have made sure of that. But I didn't know if I could stop myself from going too far."
There was a brief silence. Logan thought about Kendall's words for a moment. There was always this fear of "going too far." Always this fear of losing self-control and succumbing to feelings, giving in to temptation, and just letting go of inhibitions. He wondered if everyone had to battle those demons, if everyone had to keep real emotions bottled up because releasing them would cause too much drama and strife.
"I don't want to stop myself anymore," Kendall suddenly said as he leaned over and rest his head on Logan's. "I want to do what feels right...and being with you feels right. It always has, from the very first day."
Logan closed his eyes and let this reality feel better than any dream he'd ever had...any memory he'd ever warmed up to...any wish he'd ever hoped for. He nuzzled Kendall's neck...he felt the soft touch of Kendall's hand on his thigh...he felt Kendall's heartbeat as it reverberated through his own body.
"Kendall," he asked, breaking the silence, "where do we go from here?"
Kendall thought about his answer for a minute. He didn't want to say that he didn't know, even though he didn't. He didn't want to say something lame and girly about fate or destiny or kismet.
"Wherever we want to go."
He pulled Logan closer to him. He pulled him closer because it felt good, but he also pulled him closer because he needed to remember that this boy was his and that he wasn't going anywhere. That was his promise, and he was going to keep it.
They stayed in that position, in silence, for fifteen minutes, literally. When they realized how long they'd been sitting there, they both sorta eased on up off of the bed and stretched.
"I can get addicted to that," Logan remarked carefully, hoping that Kendall would appreciate the sentiment.
"I think I already am," he replied, making Logan smile. "What time is it?" he yawned.
"2:25," Logan answered after checking his watch. "Why?"
Kendall started to dig through his dresser drawers. "I think I'm gonna go to the gym for a while. I definitely have a lot of frustration to vent out."
Logan nodded in understanding as he went back to his bed. "Um, you might not want to get too crazy. Kelly called while you were asleep. She says that Gustavo is gonna really start putting us through the wringer tomorrow. We have a lot to catch up on, so...yeah."
"Ugh...Gustavo," Kendall thought aloud. "Can't we come up with some zany scheme to get him shipped off to Sweden or something?"
"Heh," Logan remarked. As he sat on the bed, though, he watched as Kendall took out his gym clothes. He knew that within a few minutes, Kendall would be gone, and that old paranoia was kicking back in. When he returned, would he be as cheerful and as well-adjusted as he was in that very moment? Or would he have come to the conclusion that this whole day, and the night before, had been a mistake?
Kendall was far from oblivious to Logan's concerns, though, as they were all over the boy's face. After putting on a pair of gym shorts, he approached him. "Come on, what's the matter? I'm just going to the gym. I'll be back soon."
"I know."
"And I'll still love you."
Logan felt silly for getting so worried so soon, but Kendall's reassurance soothed him. "I know. It's just...it's so hard to believe that we're here and that it's real. I feel like if we're apart for anything more than five minutes, I'm gonna wake up from the dream."
Kendall gave him a sideways smile. "It's not a dream anymore. It's real."
He leaned in and kissed him, and Logan's heart skipped a beat. Fuck...Kendall really needed to stop surprising him with those amazing kisses. But they were so good...so sweet...so real...and they meant so much.
"I love you," Logan said when the kiss ended.
"And I love you. Forever."
They smiled, and Logan went back to his bed as Kendall got dressed for the gym. When he left, he gave Logan the sweetest little kiss on the forehead, and even though Logan pretended to sit there and read from a science book the whole time Kendall was gone, all he did was think about this guy who'd changed his life in so many astronomical ways. Kendall had been his first friend, his first real friend. Kendall had gotten Logan to stand up for himself, and he'd gotten Logan to show how strong he could be. Kendall even got Logan to follow him halfway across the United States. And now...Kendall was Logan's first real lover.
NOTE: Where DO they go from here, though? Isn't it time for them to just chill out and enjoy being with each other for a while? We shall see.