AUTHOR'S NOTE: All right, guys, sorry this is coming up so late in the day, but it's here! Thank you for your reviews, and please enjoy!
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
The room was silent. You could surely hear a pin drop. There was anticipation in the air, and the listener waited with baited breath to hear just how this story was going to reach its climax.
"And then we kissed."
Dr. Riley let out an exhale that felt like a hurricane. No matter how many times he'd heard this story in his career - the gay guy who finds out that his supposedly straight crush isn't so straight - it always got him on the edge of his seat. This time, however, the story was a great deal different.
The corners of Logan's mouth twitched. It was partially because of a nervous tick, but it was also like he wanted to smile, but he didn't want to seem obnoxious or too happy.
"How do you feel?" Dr. Riley asked. He finally settled down in his chair and leaned back, beaming at Logan with pride.
Logan gave up trying to be humble and let the grin grow. "I don't know...it feels incredible. Amazing. Spectacular. Like a dream come true."
"Everything you ever hoped for?"
"Absolutely."
Logan had spent the morning filling the doctor in on all that had happened since the last session. Everything. The party...the handsy girls...Trey...and then Kendall. The beach. The revelation. The kiss.
"I'm sorry, Dr. Riley," Logan suddenly said, putting a slight damper on the joyous mood.
"Sorry? Logan, sorry for what?" The doctor had not the foggiest idea what Logan had to apologize for.
"I knew," Logan explained. "I knew all along exactly how Kendall felt. I knew he liked me, too, but I told you that he didn't."
Dr. Riley just shook his head. "No. You don't have to apologize for that. I promise. To be quite honest, I can see why you kept it bottled up. I want to know why you think you kept it to yourself, though."
"I don't know..." Logan mused. "It's like in those movies where people go through these traumatic experiences, and they sorta subconsciously brainwash themselves to forget all about it. I mean, I didn't forget all about those little moments me and Kendall had had...I guess I just figured if Kendall didn't want to be with me, then I didn't want to make him be with me. I just wanted him to be happy, and if that wasn't with me, then I was gonna deal with it."
"Haha," Dr. Riley let out a hardy laugh. "Let me ask you. Are you sure you still want to become a 'real' doctor? Because you've got this psychology stuff whipped!"
Logan laughed nervously. He still felt a little guilt for keeping the truth from Dr. Riley, but seeing how happy the doctor was, he allowed himself to let a little bit of those guilt feelings go.
"I'm glad this has all worked out for you, Logan," Dr. Riley said sincerely.
"Yeah, well...things didn't work out too great at first," Logan said. "Apparently, Jo saw us kissing on the beach."
"Oh?" the doctor asked, putting his listening ears back on and getting serious.
"Yeah. She, um...she hurt herself really, really bad."
"Oh..." No more explanation was needed for Dr. Riley to know exactly what Logan meant by that.
"Yeah. I mean, she's fine, now. She's perfectly fine! We actually talked the next morning, and...I don't think she's going to be a problem anymore."
"Really?"
"Yes. She told me some things...most important, she told me that she hopes things work out for me and Kendall." He paused for a second, remembering the sight of Jo in the hospital bed. "Dr. Riley, I believe her."
Dr. Riley nodded, letting it soak in. "That's your prerogative. If you believe she was being sincere, then I'll have to go with your decision to trust her. You do understand, however, that she might have been in a special state following her incident. Cutting, correct?"
"Yeah, she cut her wrists. And yeah, I get that it might have been the medicine or the lack of blood or whatever, but I don't know...I believed her. Something about the way she said it just made me believe her. Kendall's with her now."
"And how do you feel about that?"
Logan squirmed a little in his seat. He was fine with it. Jo had given him the option of going with Kendall, hadn't she? That meant he had nothing to worry about, right? "It's good. I think they need closure. I'm willing to give them that time."
Dr. Riley nodded again. He wanted to get off of this less-than-uplifting track and back to the matter at hand. "Tell me, what's become of you and Kendall since the truth came out?"
Logan just started shaking his head in disbelief. "I wouldn't even know how to describe it. It started off slowly...very slowly. We, um...well, I guess it started quickly at first. After the beach, we, um...we...well, we went to a hotel."
Dr. Riley closed his eyes and smiled. "I think I get the picture."
"Yeah. And after we...you know...when it was done, we just talked, and it was amazing. It was like nothing had changed between us at all. We were still best friends, and this was only something new for us to talk about. But then we got the call about Jo, and it shook Kendall up."
"To be expected."
"Right, and I get that. I got worried, though, and he started to panic, and I think he was going to backtrack, but I got him to see reason, Dr. Riley! I got him to stay focused on what really matters."
Dr. Riley was beaming again. "And what really matters, Logan?"
Logan didn't answer at first. He thought it was a trick question, as if Dr. Riley was trying to mock him. But then he just said the only thing that came to him. "Me and him. What we feel...what we need...what we want."
"I tell you," Dr. Riley began, but his voice cracked a bit, "you've come a long way from the kid who was in this office a couple of months ago." He reached for a Kleenex and wiped away a few tears.
"I'm sorry."
"Oh, Logan, stop it with your damn apologizing!" Dr. Riley scolded, but he immediately began to laugh. "Tell me more."
"Well, it's just been one day at a time, I guess...Kendall and I had a few more moments where we were able to talk and figure things out a little bit more. We worked nonstop for a week, and then, last night, we talked some more."
"And what is the forecast looking like?"
Logan pondered. He looked out the window. Perfectly sunny California day. Not a cloud in the sky. "Hopefully it's good. I mean...I think we still have a few things that we'll have to get over. He's still scared about telling his parents...telling everyone, really. But I told him that I'm gonna be there for him. And I will."
Dr. Riley reached for another tissue. "Your growth has been phenomenal."
"Thank you."
"Tell me, though, how do you feel about telling your parents and everyone?"
"Hmm," Logan thought. "To tell you the truth, I haven't really thought much about it. I've been so focused on Kendall and making sure he's okay."
"But surely you've given at least a little thought to it?"
"Well...I think my parents will be okay. They're pretty open-minded. They might be worried about me having to deal with, you know, discrimination and oppression and all of that, but...I think they'll be okay. And our friends...I like to think that our generation is different. I hope it won't be an issue."
"And if it is? Are you prepared to endure a lot of pain?"
Logan bit his lower lip and began to worry. "I don't know...I don't know. I mean, I'd have Kendall with me, so I think I could handle anything."
Dr. Riley smiled gingerly and nodded. "I think you have what it takes. The both of you."
Logan felt powerful for a few fleeting moments. He felt like he truly had grown. He remembered when he'd first come to see Dr. Riley...he remembered how shaky it was for him to even say that he had feelings for Kendall. The nerves, the uncertainty...but now he could sit here and tell the doctor that he loved Kendall and that Kendall loved him and that...they were together. Oh, what an eventful summer it had been.
It was getting to be that time, and Dr. Riley rose.
"I would imagine another session isn't needed," he said as he looked at his calendar. "Of course, that's completely up to you."
"Uh..." Logan thought aloud. "I think we can hold off on scheduling another one."
Dr. Riley beamed again. He just couldn't keep that smile off of his face. "That's what every psychologist wants to hear. Logan, please...go forth and be happy. And don't be a stranger. Please, check in and let me know how you're doing. It's been an absolute pleasure working with you this summer."
Dr. Riley extended his hand for a shake, and Logan promptly gave it to him. "Thank you, Dr. Riley. Goodbye."
After leaving Dr. Riley's office, Logan continued to feel powerful. There was an energy inside him, truly a big time rush. He felt as if he could conquer the world if he wanted to. He had Kendall fricking Knight as his boyfriend. That's who he'd be sleeping next to every single night for the rest of his life. That's who'd be rooting for him every single step of the way. That's who would spend eternity trying to make him smile. And, damn it, Logan was going to do all of those things for Kendall as well.
He couldn't help but smile as he walked down the street, and the world was a beautiful Xanadu. And then his phone rang.
It was Kendall.
"Hi," he answered, trying not to sound too ecstatic. "How was your meeting with Jo?"
"It went well," Kendall replied. "It was better than I thought it would be. So, in other words, you were right."
"Well, I'm not one to say I told you so, but..."
"You told me so."
"I did."
"Yeah, well, Jo told me a couple things herself. She's gonna be moving back to North Carolina."
"What? Really?" Logan was in shock, and a pang of guilt coursed through his body. Jo couldn't be doing that well if she was moving back to the other side of the country.
"Yeah. It's fine, though. She's in a real good place right now, mentally. I think she's making the right decision."
"Oh..." It was still going to take Logan a while to process the thought of Jo leaving, though, but a small part of him could see that it only meant that she really had been sincere about wanting Kendall and him to be happy together. Besides, if Kendall was convinced that she was fine, then Logan could believe she really was.
"Look, Jo's fine, but I didn't call you to talk about her."
Logan waited for Kendall to explain further, but when he didn't, he asked, "Well? Why did you call me?"
"Remember last night? When you said that we'd never been on a date before?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, even though I still maintain that we've been on countless dates, I decided to make another one of your little dreams come true."
"Kendall..."
"Just be at the apartment in about half-an-hour, okay? I've got plans for us, Toots."
And just like that, the phone connection was closed, and Logan was left wandering the streets of southern California with the dopiest, cheesiest grin on his face.
Kendall wanted to make sure everything was pitch perfect. Sure, he was known to be the messiest member of Big Time Rush, constantly tossing things around and not caring one bit about organizing anything. But when it came to romance and trying to please the apple of his eye? Oh, he paid attention to every single detail and left nothing to chance. He wanted this to be the perfect date.
"What are you so giddy about?" Katie asked when she entered the apartment. Kendall was making sure the picnic basket was filled with all of the necessary items. Sandwiches, salad, chips, cookies, drinks, etc.
"Napkins!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Can't forget the napkins." He went to the kitchen cabinet and pulled out a whole box of napkins to put in the basket.
"Okay..." Katie said, shaking her head.
"I'm going on a date," Kendall clarified when he was finally sure everything was ready.
"Oh," Katie replied. She sat down and turned on the TV. "I thought Jo was still recuperating after last week."
"She is," Kendall said. "And she's feeling better. But I'm not going on a date with her."
Katie just clicked through the channels, once again shaking her head. "I can't believe you, you jerk."
"What?" Kendall asked, dumbfounded.
"The girl was on the brink of death last week, and now you're already ditching her for some other skank. Who is she?"
"For your information," Kendall said, ready to get her good, "the skank is Logan. I'm taking Logan on a picnic in the mountains."
She just kept on clicking. "Oh great. You get to lead him on even more and then turn him down at the last minute. You're definitely living up to our last name, Knight in Crappy Armor."
Kendall rolled his eyes. Whenever Logan got back, he'd just show her how wrong she was.
"I can't believe you," she continued. "You're perfectly fine with making a big girly picnic, and you're gonna go out into the mountains, where the two of you will be all alone, and you're gonna get his hopes up as high as possible, and then you won't even kiss him. For shame, big brother. For shame."
"Who's to say that it'll happen that way?"
"Me. And based on your history, I think I'm pretty much right on the mark."
"Oh, Katie," Kendall sighed obnoxiously. "Oh, young, simple-minded Katie. Too young to see what's right in front of her."
"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, sitting up on the sofa.
"Oh, you'll see..."
And right on time, Logan came through the front door. He still had his big smile on, but once he saw Katie, he knew he had to keep his emotions in check.
"What's all this?" he asked, indicating the picnic basket, but he kinda assumed that it was for Kendall and himself.
But Kendall didn't answer him. No, he just grabbed Logan and whisked him into a romantic embrace. "Come here, my flawless prince," he said and kissed Logan right in front of Katie.
Her eyes were wide open, and she was truly surprised. "No way!" she yelled.
"Kendall," Logan said when the kiss broke. "I...I think your sister knows."
"Damn right, I know!" she exclaimed excitedly. "It's about time you two got together! When did this happen? How did I not know about it?"
"Haha, baby sister," Kendall said, feeling like she'd gotten her comeuppance. "You don't know everything after all."
"Uh, Kendall," Logan said, tugging at Kendall's arm. "She knows about us..."
"Relax, Logan," Kendall told him. "She's known all along. A long time ago, she figured out how I felt about you, and she's been giving me trouble over it ever since."
"Trouble?" Logan asked, nervous about what that meant.
"Kid, if it was up to me, he would have rocked your boat years ago," Katie confirmed. "I still don't know when this happened."
"Well...it's not for you to know right now," Kendall told her. He patted her on the head. "Just know that you've finally gotten what you've always wanted."
"A house on every continent?"
"No!"
"I know," she said with a wink and a smile. "I know."
Kendall grabbed the picnic basket and Logan's hand. Logan was still bewildered by all that had just happened, but he was slowly getting the gist of it.
"Look," Kendall said to Katie, "you're the only one who knows, okay? Well, Jo knows...but that's whatever. You're the only one in this apartment who knows, and it has to stay that way for now, okay?"
"Deal," she said.
"We'll see you when we get back."
And with that, Kendall dragged Logan behind him out of the apartment. They unclasped hands in the hallway, but that energy that Logan had had when he'd left Dr. Riley's office was totally back. Now, though, it bounced between the two of them and just got bigger.
Katie was left in the apartment feeling very accomplished. Oh, she could scheme and manipulate and calculate to get what she wanted, and she knew how to play hardball with the big boys when necessary, but, sometimes, she was just like any other little girl. She needed to believe that, no matter what, the knight and his prince (or princess) would always get their happy ending.
The excitement never died down as Kendall and Logan dashed out of the Palm Woods before anyone could see them, got on a bus, and sat in a corner as they rode out into the Santa Monica Mountains.
"When did you have time to plan this?" Logan asked. He looked out the window of the bus as if he'd never seen the streets of Hollywood before, but then again, he felt like a brand new person, and all of his surroundings felt new as well.
"Oh, you know me," Kendall said smugly. "I get things done."
Logan just smirked at him and opened the picnic basket, peaking in at all of the food Kendall had packed. "Nice," he said. "And to think, I almost thought about getting lunch somewhere after leaving Dr. Riley's office."
"Yeah, well, like I said. I get things done," Kendall repeated, but then he furrowed his brow. "Who's Dr. Riley? I thought you said you were going to that trigonometry thing again."
"Oh...uh..." Logan stuttered. Shit. He'd gone months without having a single problem keeping his visits to the doctor a secret from everyone, and now a simple picnic basket made him slip up. But he thought quickly, and he realized...did he really have to keep it a secret anymore?
"Dr. Riley is a psychologist," he said, his face getting hot. It suddenly occurred to him that Kendall might not have liked the fact that Logan was off seeing some shrink, telling him all of their business.
"A psychologist?" Kendall asked, trying to make it seem like he wasn't concerned. "Why were you in a psychologist's office?"
"For...um," he stumbled, but then he just said it. "I needed help, Kendall. I'd gotten to the end of my rope with everything, and so I started seeing Dr. Riley at the beginning of the summer to try to get over things."
"Get over what?"
Logan looked down. "You."
"And you've been seeing this doctor all summer long?"
"Yes."
Kendall took a deep breath. Being mad at Logan for talking about him to a shrink was the furthest thing from his mind. No, he was mad at himself. Not only did he have Jo trying to kill herself, but he also had Logan seeing a freaking shrink. He went from feeling like a million bucks to all of about a dollar-fifty.
Logan looked at him and could see the sad expression on his face. "It was my last session, Kendall," he said. "I don't need it anymore. He even told me himself! Everything's better now because of you."
Kendall looked at him, forced a smile, but when Logan returned that fake smile with a real one, Kendall couldn't help but feel better, too, and they put it behind them.
"What's this?" Logan asked as he dug into the basket and felt something hard. He carefully pulled it out and discovered it was one of his books. "You brought this along?"
"Yeah," Kendall said. "I figured in case you get bored or something, you could read it...or something."
Logan shook his head. "Kendall, I don't want to read a book. I want to spend all of my time with you."
Kendall smiled again, and he put his arm around Logan's shoulders. This act caught the attention of the older lady sitting next to them, and she leaned over to her sleeping husband. After giving him a good slap to wake him up, she pointed to Logan and Kendall. The old man stared, making the guys feel extremely uncomfortable, but then the old lady forcefully yanked his arm and put it around her own shoulders.
"We used to be as in love as you two," she said. "Every now and then, we have to be reminded."
As soon as Logan and Kendall got off the bus, Kendall took Logan by the hand and led him through the mountain park. They were almost running, and everything moved past Logan's eyes so fast that he couldn't stop to take it in.
"Kendall, I want to see those plants," he said in the nerdiest voice ever, but Kendall didn't care. He just kept pulling him along and pulling him along until they ended up in a secluded little alcove overlooking a huge canyon.
"Take a look at this," Kendall said, as if this was what the whole trip had been building up to so far.
Logan beheld the sight of the canyon. It was majestic, dressed in green trees and shrubs and covered by a blue sky. There was a gentle wind, but there was a stillness in the air that made the place feel like paradise.
While Logan took it all in, Kendall set up their picnic on a nice, flat rock.
"Come on, your food's gonna get cold," he called.
"Kendall, those are sandwiches," Logan said as he joined him.
"I know. And that was a joke."
"So funny I forgot to laugh."
They sat quietly on the ground and had their lunch. Miraculously, no bugs bothered them, and there was ample shade to block the sun's harsh rays. Kendall's efforts had been rewarded, and this was going over just as a perfect date should. After lunch, they linked up with a group of hikers and went through the mountains, giving Logan an opportunity to finally learn more about the various flora and fauna that interested him so. Kendall took in the fresh air and wilderness, longing to one day live off the land himself.
After the hike, they were tired out and hungry again, and they returned to their spot, where they ate the rest of their sandwiches.
"You've been here before, haven't you?" Logan asked when they were finished eating.
"I have."
"With Jo?"
"Nope. All by my lonesome."
And of course, the thought of Kendall being up here on this mountain by himself just made Logan want to love him even more.
"Yep," Kendall continued, "sometimes my secret spot on the beach just wasn't secret enough, so I'd get on the bus and come here."
"And you'd just sit here?"
"Yeah...and think. About life...about the past...about the future..." Kendall got up from the ground and helped Logan up too. "Let's sit over here," he said, leading Logan to another big, flat rock that gave them a view of the canyon.
There was a certain maturity about the calmness of the scene. The quiet sounds of nature, the wondrous beauty of the world...it made the two lovers feel like they were blending in with the environment, as if they were part of nature, as well, as if their feelings were part of nature. Kendall felt that it was all worthwhile, every single bit of it, now that he was standing in front of this beautiful sight with Logan's hand in his. This was what all of the pain and struggling was for. And yeah, there was still some pain and struggling to go, but moments like this? When nothing and no one mattered? These moments were the light at the end of the tunnel. They were the prize.
And Logan felt just as enlightened. All of his dreams had come true and were still coming true. Kendall was his. Forever and always.
"Kendall, what do you think the future is gonna be?" he asked softly, as if not to disturb nature.
"I don't know...whatever we make of it, I guess."
"I still want to be a doctor."
"And you will be."
"After this is all over with...after the music thing ends, I'm gonna go back to school and work really hard, and I'm gonna make it happen."
"I know you will, baby," Kendall said. That word..."baby"...it came so natural to him to call Logan that, and it just fit.
"What about you? What are you gonna do?"
Kendall sighed, thinking it over in his head. "I don't know..."
"There's a lot you don't know," Logan teased.
"Well...I don't!" Kendall laughed softly. "I mean...I've always wanted to go pro, but so much of my attention's been on the music that I don't know if I have what it takes to be a hockey player anymore."
"Oh, Kendall, don't say that!" Logan said seriously. "You can do anything you put your mind to, and if you really want to get back to hockey, you could."
"I know...but the thing is, maybe I want to stay focused on music. You know, I can be like John Mayer or somebody. A guy with a guitar who sings from the heart."
Logan scoffed. "John Mayer. You only said that because you know I don't like him."
Kendall grinned. "You like that one song he did. 'Edge of Desire.'"
"Okay, you got me there," Logan admitted.
"Besides," Kendall went on, "I can just picture it. Me, the singer-songwriter, and you, the doctor. We'd live in a nice house up in Beverly Hills. A nice big swimming pool...and, of course, a rink in the basement."
"A big library, too."
"Yep. And...well...I guess a few rugrats running around."
"Ha..." Logan let out dryly. The thought sent a shiver up his spine. Him and Kendall...with kids? Jesus, this was all starting feel way too real. "And where would those rugrats come from?"
"Of course, the biology nerd would ask that. Where do you think they'd come from?"
"Well, I know they'd probably come from a surrogate or an adoption agency. But I was wondering where you thought they'd come from."
"I thought the same thing as you, then. Surrogate or adoption agency."
Logan glared at Kendall and gave him that look that made Kendall know that Logan was no fool.
"Okay, okay," Kendall gave up. "I always envisioned you being pregnant."
"I knew I'd be the pregnant one!" Logan yelled. "How did I know it? How did I know?"
"Well!" Kendall declared. "I always figured, you know...in the case of...'relations,' I'd always be the, um, pitcher, and you'd always be the catcher. But I guess you proved me wrong on that."
Logan just snickered mischievously. "Yes, I did."
"And, anyway," Kendall added, "I think you'd look cute with a lil baby bump." He patted Logan's belly, which made Logan blush.
"Okay, so a big house in Beverly Hills, ice rink, library, kids. What else?"
"Nothing else," Kendall decided. "We'd just go on about our lives. Crazy in love with each other...taking care of our little boy and little girl...making sure Carlos and James stay out of trouble...maybe have our own reality show for a few seasons. We'd have it made in the shade."
Logan moved in closer to Kendall, thinking hard about those predictions that could very well come true. Their lives, together...after everything he'd worried about, he never thought it'd ever come to this. But he was so glad it did.
"And then," Kendall intoned deeply, "the years would pass. Old things would be replaced with new things...the kids would grow up, and we'd have grandchildren. Everything around us would change. But me and you would stay the same. Until one day...it's gonna happen...one of us is gonna have to go. And the other...he's gonna be sad, but he's gonna know that he was loved. No matter what, he's gonna always remember everything and keep those memories close. That first day in Mrs. Martin's class, the trips to my grandparents' cabin, the football games, the lazy Saturdays at home, the sleepovers, all of the craziness that we've had to deal with in California...all of those things will stick with him. And then one day, he's gonna go, too, and then we'll be together again...wherever we end up."
There were little tears rolling down Kendall's face as he struggled to say that last piece. But it was true...that was how he'd always dreamed it would be whenever he'd come up here on this mountain. And now, with Logan with him, it felt so real. The future was theirs, and they were going to take it. Their life together was ready to be lived.
"You said you'd never leave me," Kendall whispered softly into Logan's ear. "You promised."
"I know. And I never will."
They kissed as the sun began to set.
NOTE: Oh, isn't love grand? Isn't it great? Too bad happiness doesn't last forever.