Gosh this took ages to write. I hope you enjoy it.
I stood there in this hideous pine green dress waiting for Staci to emerge from the dressing room. It's been about two months since I returned from England and around a week before Thanksgiving. Staci and I were back home in Pennsylvania to share the holiday with family. She was still busy preparing for her Christmas Eve wedding and has yet to find a dress. I would like to kill the person who told her that this green dress would be perfect for a winter wedding. Couldn't she do red at least red is a pretty color to look at.
"That dress is ugly, Ari," Staci said when she walked out of the fitting room in a long mermaid fit gown. "The color is all wrong. God I have no idea what to do."
"Well you for one look gorgeous. But why don't we try red. When I think of Christmas I think of red," I suggested.
"Red will definitely work. But do you really like this dress? I think it's too clingy."
"I think it looks better than the princess dress you had on. But if you're worried about the cling try the a-line gown again that one looked amazing. Either way you looked gorgeous."
"Thanks Ari, why don't you look for a red bridesmaid's gown while I try on the other dress again?"
The way things are going I don't think Staci will ever find a wedding dress. I on the other hand will find the perfect bridesmaid dress, one that I could use again and not throw in the back of my closet after the wedding. A little red dress, which I can wear out to dinner with Kendall. That man has yet to take me out o a nice dinner. Not that it bothers me but still I would like to have a candle lit dinner with him. I think it would be very sweet. It would be even better if he would put a ring on my finger.
In the display room I saw the perfect red dress. Not only was it fitted at the top but the bottom was flowing until it stopped just above the knees. I could probably even wear it to the premier. I grabbed the dress of the rack and took it back to the fitting rooms to try on.
"I think I found one Stace. Tell me again why you didn't bring your sister with you?" I asked walking into the little dressing room.
"You think she could find the perfect bridesmaid dress and tell me if I look good or not. She may be my maid of honor but still she's 16 with no sense of fashion," Staci said after we both stepped out of the dressing rooms.
"It's perfect," we both squealed at the same time.
"That's a different dress isn't it?" I asked Staci as she twirled around in front of the mirror.
"Uh-Huh it's so pretty isn't it and that dress is amazing. I definitely like the red better, it's almost sexy."
"It's not that sexy," I said looking in the mirror at the strapless red dress. "Ok it is sexy. Can we use this one it's so pretty Stace?"
"It won't overshadow you dear," the sales woman said to Staci. "All eyes will be on you on your wedding day."
"I'm going to the cemetery and then to King of Prussia for something to wear in the Macy's parade," I said when Staci and I left the bridal shop. "Do you want to come with me? I'll buy you something."
"You don't need to bribe me Ari. I'd love to go shopping; I need a new Coach bag anyway and possibly something to wear to the family dinner tomorrow night. Plus that way I'll be near the airport to pick up Logan."
"I almost forgot he's coming to the family dinner. Dawn is going to be so pissed off."
"Like I care and remind me to thank your asshole of a father for letting Logan and I buy his house," Stacie said. My dad sold his house that neighbored mine when I came back from London. I was so happy when I discovered Logan and Staci had bought it so that it stays in the family. It was one of my mom's first drawings that inspired that home.
"Thank you for agreeing with me. I'll never forgive him for the nonsense he pulled. I'm not even going to his wedding."
"Now that's a little harsh. He is your father Ari. I know what he did is unforgivable but you shouldn't completely shut him out of your life. Who's going to walk you down the aisle at your own wedding?"
"Carlos," I said nonchalantly starting the rental car "And Philip. Because Carlos is like a brother to me and Philip well he is my brother."
"You say that like it doesn't bother you at all?"
"To be honest with you it doesn't bother me. I'm nineteen years old I don't need to depend on my father anymore. I can disown him if I want to."
Just as I drove past the winding road leading to my childhood home Miranda Lambert's voice echoed through the car. "I know they say you can't go home again. I just had to come back one last time. Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam. But these handprints on the front steps are mine. And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar. And I bet you didn't know under that live oak my favorite dog is buried in the yard." I felt a tear roll down my cheek thinking about my mom sitting in her office drafting her ideas for beautiful houses. The song continued to play applying more and more to that large farm house nestled on top of the hill.
"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here it's like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From Better Homes and Garden magazines.
Plans were drawn; concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here it's like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.
You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here it's like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me."
I felt myself being the person talking to that woman about the house she grew up in. The back bedroom wasn't so little but it was where I learned to play my first guitar. My mother spent years looking at houses trying to build the perfect one for her family. When my father loved her he helped her build that house. My dog wasn't buried under a tree instead she was buried in the pasture where she used to run around in chasing the horses. I was even starting to forget who I am. I'm not the girl I was a little under a year ago when I started guest staring on Big Time Rush. The girl then was full of life, always happy and full of dreams. The girl now is cold and broken hearted not knowing what she wants.
"Probably not the best song to have playing when you're driving by your childhood home," Staci said handing me a tissue from her purse.
"You're right. I'm still not over everything. So much happened to me in those few weeks; my mom died, I broke up with James, my dad sold that house, and I started dating Kendall. I never had time to let it all sink in," I sighed wiping the tears away. "To this day I regret breaking James's heart."
"Then talk to him about it. Maybe it will make you both feel better."
"Yeah but I'm sick of hurting people and I think someone will get hurt from this whether it be James, Kendall, or myself."
"Screw Kendall half the time you don't know where he is or what he's doing ever since you got back from London. He puts on a show when he's with all of us and then he's just a different person. He's too worried about becoming famous. You're the only honest one in that relationship Ari. I hate seeing you miserable about it."
"I'd rather not talk about that right now."
"I think you should talk about it. At least get all that weight of your shoulders. You may feel better after you talk to the two of them. I'm just really worried about you Arianna. I want my old best friend back."
I have to agree with Staci I want that old cheerful girl back. I don't know what happened to her. It's almost like she decided she didn't want to be in this body any longer and just up and left. Everything went downhill after I returned from London. Kendall and I started to see each other less even though I was still working on Big Time Rush. I found myself eating lunch with Carlos and Logan than with Kendall. The sad thing is I really want to be with Kendall.
A light snow began to fall as I rounded the turn at the cemetery. The bouquet of white roses in the backseat matched the flakes falling around Staci and me. Everything in that little cemetery felt more peaceful with the falling snow. I reached into the backseat to retrieve the flowers then opened the door and stepped out into the snow. A snowflake landed on my nose as I walked toward the tombstone.
"Mom I miss you more than anything right now. I'm so miserable that it's indescribable. Dad is getting married in three months to some model chick. Staci and Logan are getting married on Christmas Eve. And as for me. Well mom I'm confused. Everyone is telling me to break things off with Kendall when I can really see myself being happy with him. On the other hand I desperately miss being with James. He always knew how to make me smile. I'm at the time where I really need my mother to talk to," I said as a tear fell from my eye.
"I brought you your favorite roses. They match the snow perfectly mom. I just miss you so much and I love you more than anything," I said as a breeze gently blew past my face.
I stepped away from the tombstone placing the roses as I walked away and back into the car to join Staci.
Does Arianna break up with kendall and go back to James? Does she break up with him to be single? Or do the two stay together. My brain has multiple versions conjured up.