Just like you guys wanted, an EPOV
Disclaimer: borrowed characters , original plot..
Chapter 10
Purgatory, that's where I am right now, this is what happens when you ruin the best thing that could have ever happened to you in every possible way, when you crush the soul of an angel, when you screw up someone's life in the most brutal way that ever existed, this is where you reside, in purgatory.
When you know that you hurt someone it will makes you feel guilty, but knowing that you did it to the only one that has ever mattered to you is torture, guilt in this situation was just the first phase of an onslaught of gut wrenching emotions, and to know that you kept on hurting that someone till they reached their breaking point makes you wish you were actually dead, how could I have done this, why was I such a fuck up, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why couldn't I just be normal for her , why couldn't I stay away and save her from me , after everything I did to her she still gave me a chance , and I threw it back in her face without thinking .
At that moment I honestly didn't even care that she was with someone , I only cared that it was him , and I just wanted to retaliate , to sum it up , I just wanted to hurt her , I should have given her the Benefit of the doubt , she never gave me reason to even think that she was that kind of girl, but I was , and knowing myself I mistrusted her without having a reason to and I still called her a whore , and watched as the last drop of innocence and sweetness vanished from her face , and it was all my fault , I turned her this way , I took away her innocence , i planted hatred inside of her , I made her doubt herself and her beauty , I made her doubt everything that she was pretty much perfect at , and I didn't even know it , I was a stupid fucking prick and never thought once about the consequences of my actions.
when I asked her out I didn't actually think she'll go out with me , she was an angel and i was the devil , I just wanted to try something new , when i went to get a drink that night one led to another and before I knew it I had lots then I saw this gorgeous knockout and thought i could have some fun with her and still go and enjoy Bella , what the hell was I thinking ? and that night was just the start, I couldn't even leave her alone , I started stalking her after Alice and Emmet started talking to me again , I didn't have the guts to apologize to her , i just couldn't leave her , I couldn't understand it at the time , I just needed to see her all the time , then I had the decency to think that if I fucked her once I would let her go and live a happy man , and I was still too cocky to believe she won't go out with me , in the end i was Edward fucking Cullen ,and that was one of my many mistakes , I thought too much of myself that i didn't even consider she might not want me , that she might actually get hurt from what I'm doing , I only had myself in mind.
That night when she told me to come over for dinner I was so happy , I thought I was going to burst from joy , this was what I needed , this is what I had missing in my life , Bella , and then she went and repaid me for what I did to her , I knew I deserved that , she tried to tell me that she didn't want to go out with me , that she didn't trust me , that she wouldn't even think about it after what I did to her but I still persisted , and what i felt at the moment I opened the door was nothing i wanted to feel ever again, i felt my heart squeeze so hard and then felt it being ripped out from inside of me , is this how Bella felt when she saw me that night ? Fuck this hurts , how did she ever deal with it , how could she ever talk to me again! But that was just Bella , too good for words .then after some time had passed another question came to me ,Did this mean i'm in love with her? And that was my wakeup call , i was in a battle with myself , trying to find another reasoning another explanation , but at the end of that month it was the only thing that kept playing in my head , I WAS IN LOVE WITH BELLA.
And then suddenly she left , and not being able to see her everyday wasn't something I was able to deal with , I needed her like air , so I stole Alice's phone and checked her messages and found out where Bella was , I've heard about this place a lot of times , it was easy to find , when i got there and saw Bella in that fucking not there towel I couldn't stop myself, I felt alive with her there, and I just had this suffocating urge to claim her, to kiss her, to love her, to worship her, and lastly, to fill her.
She let me in , she let me love her no questions asked , she let me worship her , and she gave as good as she got , I was in heaven , never once did she question me , never once did she push me away , and I loved her more for it , yet as always I still had to fuck Everything up , and when she started telling me everything I became frozen with shock, was I really such a monster?, had I really done such fucked up things to my angel ? She kept going and I felt my frozen heart burn with guilt and shame , when she told me to get the fuck out of her life I didn't even question her, she had every right to fucking throw me out of her home ,and her life ,but that wasn't the end of my misery , I still deserved more and when i saw the guy i accused her of fucking and being a whore with kissing another guy that was the end , she was right , I made my bed , and I had to sleep in it .
I left that day and drove straight home , I had to rid Bella of me , everything she said kept playing over and over again in my head that at one point I couldn't drive anymore , I stopped on the side of the road and cried like I haven't in ten years , I cried for how much hurt I caused Bella , I cried for the love that I have for her that meant nothing anymore, I cried for the love she had for me that I crushed repeatedly without a second thought , and I cried for knowing that I messed things up so badly that believed she could never forgive me, and I cried because I knew I didn't deserve her forgiveness , and that was when I couldn't breathe.
After I calmed down and reached home I started thinking of a way that could just let Bella live her life without anymore heartache , and the only solution was me out of the picture , at least for a while until Bella can stand to look at me again, or till I couldn't stay away anymore , but I had to make it right before I actually left , I had to talk to her but since I knew that wasn't possible , I had to settle for the next best thing ,writing her an email and hoping to god that she'll read it ,And reply at some far away point if ever..
After writing the email I started packing , I wanted to leave before she came home , I owed her that much , and after trying non-stop to do it and failing because of the overwhelming guilt that was consuming me and my bleeding hand that wouldnt stop after i punched the wall repeatedly, i just took what I had packed already and left the rest , i welcomed the overwhelming pain on all sides ,my mind was jumbled with Questions , and I needed time to sort myself out , to be someone that Bella would at least be friends with if nothing more, that was my mission, and after she chooses , I just hoped I would have the strength to accept her decision whatever it may be .
I left to forks the next day, they offered me a job a long time ago but I didn't want o leave at the time, but now I had to, they still needed me so that was a plus , I bought a small apartment close to the hospital and unpacked , I refused to answer any calls that came in from my family, but sent them texts to tell them im alive and where I am , the email was always on my mind, but I was still hesitant to send it, I threw myself into work, and did nothing more , I just worked all he time , and before I knew it , two months has passed and I hadn't sent the letter yet, so on the day that second moth ended , I finally hit SEND , and waited .
A/N:
Im sorry its short but i hope you all liked it , was his pain satisfying ?
How's their futur coming up with you guys ?
Tell me your thoughts ..:))
Update in a couple of days or so ,,won't take long
FFN