Dear lovely readers,,

I'm sorry I have been away for so long but real life kept me away, I hope you're still with me and theses lovely tortured souls still trying to find love :)..

Without further ado..

Ch20

So lets just say the world wasn't ready for me and Edward to be together, I woke up in the middle of the night because of my shrieking phone telling me my dad has had a heart attack and was in the hospital, I wasn't very lucid at first, but when I registered what was being said I started shaking so much that the phone dropped from my hands, my breathing was heavy , I was hyperventilating, my daddy was hurt and I just went into shock , after a couple of minutes I took a few calming breaths and picked up the phone again and asked how he was doing, he was okay but he needed lots of rest and care for the next couple of weeks.

I packed like a maniac took Doggy and was just about to lock up and leave when I heard someone approaching from behind me, I locked the door and turned around to find a confused Edward eying my luggage.

" hey Edward I have to cancel our date, I'm going to my dad's for a while , he just had a heart attack , I swear I'm not blowing you off, but I really need to leave, I'm sorry" I said hurriedly and went on my way to my car, when everything was settled and I was just going to get into the driver seat someone grabbed my hand and pulled me out, and I was suddenly pressed up against the car and enveloped in Edward's scent, He was kissing me with all his might, like he was saying goodbye, our lips were passionately locked an neither one of us was letting go, I welcomed his kiss savoring the taste I will be missing for a while, after a couple of minutes the kiss had stopped and we were just breathing each other in.

" don't take too long sweetheart, I can't handle you being away from me for long, I hope your dad is okay, and if you need anything call me please, fuck I'm going to miss your beautiful face, your mouthwatering scent, just go before I won't let you, keep your phone on all the time okay ?" he whispered gently while all I could do was enjoy his nearness and lose myself in his embrace, I nodded and untangled myself from him with effort because he wasn't letting go, then I pecked his pouty lips once, twice and a third time till I felt him smile, I smiled fondly at him trying to convey all my emotions at that moment , I stroked his cheek gently then turned around and got into the car and just before the door closed I could have sworn I heard him murmur " fuck , I love you", but I wasn't ready to hear it or question him about it so I turned on the ignition and drove away with my heart feeling heavier with every small distance I took away from Edward, who has become my ... My ... I don't know what exactly yet , but my something.

On my way to my dad's all I could think about was destiny, or more specifically " meant to be " how can you know if someone is your meant to be if you don't know the future, if it's meant to be then why was it so heart breaking for all this time, but then maybe its not meant to be and that's why it was that way, maybe it was the future's way of telling us that we shouldn't go through with it , that we should stay away, maybe all this hurt and heart break is just a glimpse of what's to come. But what if you want it be the exact opposite so bad that you start giving excuses to everything just so you won't feel any guilt or uncertainty when you defy the odds and swim against the stream, and maybe , just maybe in the future you will know that you made the right decision, that you proved the odds wrong, and you chose who you where meant to be with , because if we leave it all for luck or chance or destiny well we might be waiting for too long, and sometimes we might never know if we missed that chance or not, but the doubt never leaves our minds. The majority of the ride was spent with me asking the only question that could make or break it , what if…?

When I was only half an hour away from the hospital and dad, I started hyperventilating again, the shock of my dad's heart attack was just getting to me, if something happened to my daddy I would probably not live It thorough intact, I started thinking of all these scenarios of what might happen and so on and suddenly I was going to pass out just when my phone started ringing, it was Edward, I just slowed down and stopped at the side of the road and pressed the green button to answer the phone.

"H e ll o " I answered it while trying to take a breath and failing.

"Baby, are you okay " Edward said concerned.

"I can..t b..rea..th " I replied struggling.

" sweetheart calm down, I just called the hospital and your dad is doing fine, he's really well, take a breath for me , yes just like that , listen to my voice, nothing is wrong with Charlie I swear he's fine, just calm down yes see, nothing is going to happen, you have to be strong for Charlie, Picture him healthy and kicking my ass for forgetting our first year anniversary , picture me trying to act like I didn't actually forget so I'll get away with it and pleading with you using my hypnotic eyes to make you forget what was the problem in the first place, picture me with hunger in my eyes because of how much I fucking need you, picture me kissing every inch of your body and worshipping you, picture me holding you in my arms and you sleeping to the tunes of my voice telling you how beautiful you look after being thoroughly fucked, can you picture that baby?"

By the end of that speech I was breathing normally with an amused smile on my face. I wanted so much to be able to tell him to come here and be with me, I needed him to be strong for me, but I just couldn't make myself utter the words, I couldn't ask him, he wasn't mine to ask, and at that thought I felt sadness wash over me, but now wasn't the time to linger on, I had other urgent matters to take care of.

"Thank you" I said softly.

"I love you "he said gently after a while, and the gasp that came out of my traitorous lips was my only response, I was speechless, and after a couple of seconds of total silence save for our breathing, I took the easy way out.

"I ... I have to go, I'll talk to you later " I said suddenly and hung up, this was too much , it was huge, and as overwhelmed as I was , I had to leave it for later.

After reaching the hospital, and making sure daddy was okay , I went to his apartment and dropped my bags and Doggy there , took a shower and got back to the hospital, finally dad was awake, as fragile as he looked , the tired smile he gave me shattered my heart to a million pieces, what would I have done if anything had happened to him, when he tried to whisper " hey baby girl " I lost it and through myself in his arms while sobs raked my body and daddy tried to calm me down , after about fifteen minutes I was calm enough, I got off daddy and sat by his legs , the doctor came a while later and made sure that daddy was aware of how dangerous this heart attack was, and how crucial it was for him to rest well and avoid exertion, next time won't be this easy , and if I had any say in it , there won't be a next time.

After sue came I left the room to give her and daddy some privacy, she looked so shaken up that I was worried something might happen to her, but seeing dad alive and smiling might have just what she needed, they way they looked at each other made me feel like an outsider , and the sadness returned after leaving the room, I walked slowly out of the hospital so I can have a moment of peace alone, and then Edward's words kept ringing in my ears " I love you ", I know for sure he didn't mean it , but why would he say that , or why would it affect me this way , my heart beats were going a mile a minute , he just didn't mean it , it's the best solution for now.

It has been a couple of days since daddy's heart attack , he was coming home today, with me and Sue constantly on his back about the rest he needed and the amount of guilt we made him feel about how worried he had us and how we didn't want to lose him , he agreed to cut back on his work load and to take lots of rest for the following two weeks. My phone was my enemy, I couldn't look at it, I couldn't touch it, I couldn't come near it, I was avoiding all contact with people, or I was avoiding all contact with Edward to be more specific, I couldn't face him, I was too weak to read his texts, to answer his phone calls, I was plain and simple,a coward.

The next couple of days where the same , dad was giving us hell for trying to take care of him , Sue was being an angel and treating him like a small child having temper tantrums , and I was lost in their world, the world of love and care, sometimes they made me feel so suffocated that I had to leave for fresh air , and right now was one of these times , I couldn't take that much of love around me anymore, feeling like an intruder on their intimate moments was hard, so I said I need to call Alice and I went outside for a walk. I did call Alice to let her know how things were but that call only lasted a couple of minutes, I needed to be alone , I needed solitude, I needed peace , and my heavy suffocated heart needed...Edward.

An hour later I was nowhere near feeling better, as the time passed I was feeling more and more Out of place, the ache in my heart was so intense, I tried to breath normally, but even breathing was difficult, finally when my vision was blurred and I couldn't taker anymore breaths , I passed out on the grass in the woods near the house, my body felt free, light , and that was when I finally found peace , in unconsciousness.

I woke up slowly to catch the end of the sunset, I was too comfortable to move , and the warmth underneath me wasn't helping me wake up any faster, so I just enjoyed the peace ad quiet and watched the sun say goodbye to the mountains and disappear for the day, after a couple of minutes I felt something underneath me shift , that was when I registered the I wasn't lying on the grass but I was lying on top of someone, at that instant I raised my head carefully and sprung up on my feet, and to my utter surprise it was Edward, what the hell was he doing here, when did he get here, how did he find me, all these questions where running through my mind, but the most nagging thought was " Edward's here"!

Assuming he was asleep, i just stared at his beauty, his perfect imperfections, at one moment I wished he was mine, every fiber of my being yearned for the right to that possessiveness, I knew deep down that that could never happen, but I still dreamed of a life when everything was simple, when Edward was a normal guy who falls for a normal girl like me, where there are no problems, there is no heartbreak and he's totally and unconditionally mine, but I wasn't so naive as to believe that, then the thought of how it all would have been easier if I didn't actually know Edward, if I hadn't fallen head over heels in love with him, how much easier it was when he wasn't actually in my life, and at that thought I felt both relief and sadness, I don't think he could ever love me as I do him, I'm not strong enough to know the answer to that thought, and so the only solution is staying away, and in time I'm sure the extreme heart ache that I am feeling will lessen, and if not... It just has to.

"Nothing good comes of that face, what's wrong sweetheart?" Edward's soft voice said ending my reverie, the look on his face was one of adoration and love ,My answer was turning my face away, I had to pull myself together, I had to take myself out of the game, I couldn't let myself get emotional, closing myself up was the only solution.

"Nothing I was just thinking about my dad, when did you get here, and why?" I said in a shaky voice, which I wished he couldn't hear but I knew he did, because his features hardened and his poker face was on, this wasn't going to be pleasant, he stood up suddenly and started pacing in front of me, and I just waited with a dying heart for the storm that was coming.

"I —I don't know what to do anymore, I can't handle this, what the hell is wrong with you, I told you I fucking love you! And I meant it! Do you really despise me that much? You fucking ignore me for a week! A goddamned week! It was a week from hell! I had to come fucking see you! What the fuck do you want me to do Bella! What the fuck do you want" his voice thought angry and screaming, held a sadness that broke my heart all over again, this was all because of me, and I had to fix it, I had to end his suffering even if it costs me my sanity.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I just got caught up with daddy, and I —" I started weakly but he cut me off.

"Cut the fucking bullshit Bella, for once just tell me the truth, you owe me this much, I can't take your indecisions anymore, just fucking tell me the truth, either you want to fucking be with me or not, just fucking say it! " he said heatedly.

And that was the moment I was petrified of, do I hurt him so he can more easily hate me and move on, or do I tell him the truth, will I be able to handle his reaction? His loathing, his torture...and in the end my misery. I can't handle that, of that I was more than certain, I feel so confused right now, I have all these thoughts and indecisions, one minute I want to try, the next I want to stay away, when the hell can I finally decide and have peace of mind? I need to rest mentally, why is this so hard! I needed ….. Closure.

"Edward, I can do this, I think it's best if we stay away from each other, I...I am so confused right now, but I know for sure that I need to be alone, I need to stay away from you, I don't think we are meant to be together, I think we need to go back to the way we were, it's the best solution, and right now I need to go back and check on Charlie, thank you for coming if it was to see me.. I'm sorry" I said trying to be strong while staring at the tree behind his head and trying to avoid looking directly into his eyes.

Before I could move more than a couple of steps away from him his hand reached out and he pulled me to him and pushed me up against the tree knocking the breath out me, the look in his eyes made my insides turn to fire, like he was looking into my soul, his breathing was just as labored as mine.

" do you really think that after all this time I will fucking let you go with that bullshit you just said, did you not hear me when I said I love you, fine I'll say it again so you can be sure I wasn't joking, Bella, I love you , I love you so fucking much that my heart aches whenever I take a few steps away from you , let alone a week, I love you , I will keep on saying it till you're convinced, I will never fucking stop, you are mine just as much as I am yours, weather you want to or not, I will never fucking let you go, and I know you're just scared but don't ever fucking say you want us to stay away from each other, I fucking gave you time, why are you doing this now, I can't let you go, I fucking need you, I dream of calling you mine, I dream of waking up next to you in the morning, I dream of carrying you to bed late at night after you fell asleep during watching an action movie I really wanted to watch, I dream of you whispering my name in your sleep and making my heart burst out if my chest because of how happy I am to hear it, I dream of loosing myself in our body for days, and knowing that its mine, that you're mine, I dream of the sounds you will make, the moans the groans and the sighs, I don't fucking care what you convince yourself, you will fucking be mine, I see the fear of what might happen in your eyes, but if you don't fucking take a chance you will never know, I'm tired of playing this hot and cold game with you, wake up sweetheart, you're already mine, your heart knows it, every fiber in your body knows it, but your mind is still trying to take you away from me, don't do this, don't let it kidnap our happiness, please be stronger for me, I can't keep doing this with you, you're draining me to my very soul, I'm leaving you because you want me to, but till the day you tell me you're ready to be mine , I will be waiting, I won't ask again, I won't talk to you again, I'll try to stay out of your way as much as possible, but I will be waiting with bated breaths for that day, the day when my life begins, the day you will finally be mine." What started heatedly and ended with so much melancholy were Edward's last words before kissing me tenderly on my forehead and walking away leaving me standing against the tree tears streaming down my face and lost in a whirlwind of thoughts, have I been playing with his feelings this much, had I been so indecisive, had I made him this tortured, If something good came out of this it is that maybe just maybe , Edward loves me just as much as I do him, and I owe him as much as he asked me , I owe him a final decision, I owe him an answer, and after the heart wrenching confession he made I don't know why I didn't just jump in his arms and ordered him to take me home so we can forget the world and lose ourselves in the land of us, and for that exact reason I had to look.

A/N:

Okaaay I hope this long chapter made up for me being away for that long..

Tell me your thoughts guys, what do you think Bella should do? Do you think Edward did the right thing? Tell me your every thought; I'll be waiting to hear them all… :)

Hopefully the next chapter won't take long, maybe next week..

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FFN!