Maybe if we try, we can touch the sun, and feel how amazing its brilliance is, and how blessed we are to have it shine beside us...but not before it burns us up with its radiance.
Naruto POV
"He's dying" Sakura says, and I feel my heart drop into my stomach, tunneling through all that important stuff to settle as rage in my gut. Not sadness, or hopelessness, but pure, unadulterated fury. How dare he leave me alone like this! How dare he break his promise to me!
"I'll never leave you alone again, Naruto. Dobe." Anger swells up and spills over and I scream out my rage, before I finally drop, smacking the ground and bouncing once before I truly fall, into the wide and open pit.
There's blackness, and then I'm back inside. I'm where the swishing of the water and the pounding of my pulse in my head is all I can hear. Kyuubi's nowhere to be seen, the door to his cage gaping open as a silent scream.
I'm alone.
My bare feet ache and I move my toes, feeling them in sappy liquid. Looking down, in slow motion I see the waist deep crimson tide engulf me and swallow me up in blood.
I scream thick, red bubbles, metallic liquid swirling in my mouth and down my throat. Then, sitting bolt upright, my lungs burning with the cry, I flip my eyes open and see white walls surrounding me, the plain white-grey door to the left cracked, the window to the hallway covered in blinds for privacy.
I'm in a hospital.
I have tubes in my arms and the sting as I pull them out too quickly, shrinking back into the plush pillow at my back. It's cold and the frigid linoleum sends a quiver up my spine as I dismount from the high bed, trying to grit my teeth as a needle I didn't know was there yanks out of my arm from the motion. It hangs there, medicine dripping from the IV. Instantly, I feel better, and less asleep.
It must've been tranquilizer drops. But now that I'm out of bed, my sureness of wanting to leave starts to break down, and I reluctantly climb back in. What happened? Why am I here?
All I can remember is...Sasuke! I throw off the coverlet, but just as I'm about to race out of the room,
Sakura opens it all the way, carrying a book and a few cards. Hinata's behind her, bags laden with fluffy eared things on her arms. They star at me, and I realize my clothes are gone, replaced by that flimsy green material with the back open. Mine is ruffled and I smell funny. Like a sick person.
Sakura drops her stuff and runs at me, throwing her arms around and burying me in her chest, squeezing the life from me. She has bandages swathed over one eye and wrapped tightly around her middle, but she clearly feels fine, as she clenched me so hard I think I might pop.
"Can't...breathe!" I gasp, and she lets me go, holding me at arms length and looking over me. I know I probably don't have a scratch on me, but she always was one to worry. Like a mother, I think, and smile.
Now Hinata's waving at someone down the hall and more footsteps come down, Neji and Gaara appearing in the open doorway, Iruka quick behind them.
"Hey guys," I call, and go out the door, sidling along the wall and asking a passing nurse where my clothes are. She says politely that she can get me some, but Kakashi just points to a bag and says, "In there. We got you a shirt and some other stuff at the gift shop."
"Thanks," I mutter, and go to change. But my stomach flips and I crumble into the bed frame, hand clenching over my middle.
"Here, I'll help him", Kakashi moves to pull me up when Sakura rushes over, "You guys can go get some food for him. Anything but spicy food and ramen." I open my mouth to ask why I no get no ramen, but they're already leaving. Iruka pauses and frowns at his lover before following, and I can feel a twisting in my stomach...something's wrong. I remember and immediately open my mouth again to ask about Sasuke.
"He's alive," the silver answers, and I almost collapse from relief, "Now start changing. I tell you more once you're back in bed.
I go over, a weight lifted off my shoulders, and quickly shove my flimsy 'cloak' off, donning the plain white and black hospital souvenir t-shirt and brown pants and socks. They all had words like, "Get well soon!" and "Hope you live!"
He sighs and shuts the door, locking it as I tug on the shirt and watch him warily. Something's wrong.
Swallowing dryly, I turned and sat on the bed, tugging my legs in and breathing easier. As long as Sasuke's alright, everything's okay. Everything's going to be-
"Naruto, what would you do if you knew you were going to hurt someone no matter what?" I stared at him, suddenly scared. Kakashi is like the king of hiding his emotion, and even though his face was blank, his eyes were dark and wouldn't meet mine.
Something was frighteningly wrong, and I knew it was going be like a storm swallowing up a butterfly and thrashing it to death. How depressing.
Swallowing again and wetting down my lips, I tried to smile, and said, "Well, I guess I'd just tell them and hope they were strong enough to be okay in the end." Please don't let me be weak.
He was looking at the door-handle, and I heard Sakura say something. They were back, and knocked on the door.
Neither of us answered, and now Sakura was banging on it, shouting for a nurse. Everything was held together by a pin, and I had a terrible flash of déjà vu that I just couldn't explain away.
Kakashi muttered something and I leaned forward.
"What if you're scared they won't be? What happens then?"
I can't answer, because I can barely breathe, and suddenly I just want to hear it. I just want to darkness to be herded out into the open, and I wait. I know he'll tell me. It's just how he is, even though he worries and frowns he'll still tell the truth.
"Sasuke…" he sighs, "Is alive. But…" I hover on the edge of a pit and wait for the push, willing myself to look down and prepare myself.
"Yes?" I'm not sure if I really speak or if my mouth moves silently.
"He can't wake up. He's in a coma, and we don't know if he'll ever come out of it. Naruto…I'm sorry."
Everything slows to a crawl and I swallow several times, trying to make sure I heard right, sure it can't be that bad. Surely…surely they're wrong…surely…they have to be wrong.
"Naruto?"
I haven't answered, and I feel him walking up to the bed. Now people are shouting for a nurse to open the door, screaming at the hospital aides. But I can barely hear them. It's like I'm underwater or on the inside of a glass box with too little air.
Far too little air. Kakashi's hands are on my shoulder's, shaking me and trying to snap me out of whatever he thinks has happened to me, but I can't think of why he's so scared. They're obviously wrong. It's a simple mistake.
Sasuke's fine. He has to be, because the world hasn't stopped and the sky hasn't been set on fire and I'm still breathing. But I can't swallow again and the smile is stuck to my lips like superglue, and I can't get it off.
Now the silver backs off and moves for the door, pausing to say, "Naruto…I'm sorry. He's non-responsive and we can't wake him up."
But…I'm still breathing. So he has to be…
It hits me like a head butt to the stomach and I gasp, the room whirling around me as I throw up in the waist bin by the bed, gagging because I haven't eaten anything. I bite back another puking and heave in lung-full's of air.
I can't breathe I can't breathe!
My ears burn and I curl into a ball around my heaving lungs, trying to keep it inside.
It's finally registered. Sasuke is alive. But he's not Sasuke anymore. He's a blank, beautiful face that won't work and won't ever say "Dobe" again. He's left. There's a shell in one of these rooms that has his face and his touch and his body but he's not here anymore.
He's gone and I'm still here. I'm still here, left behind, when he's gone and only left a small shard of himself behind.
"You promised," i whisper dully, and I can feel my chest tighten around my heart as it squeezes with each beat, crying out, "Alone! Alone! Alone forever!"
Now the silver backs off from the door, and sits in a hard-backed chair, leaning forward and clenching his fingers together.
I'm drowning and I groan, my eyes shut and fastened together so I might never open them again. But I promised him too. I swore I'd be strong.
I swore, and even if he can't keep his promises, I can't break mine.
I can't break mine because even if he never wakes up and I die alone, my promise is proof that he existed.
It's proof of him holding my hand and kissing my neck and brushing his fingers across my face. It's total, undeniable PROOF that Sasuke Uchiha loved me.
Kakashi doesn't say anything, looking at the floor by the door, and sighing. On the other side of the glass, I can hear them still yelling for him to unlock the door. For him not to do it. Screaming for him to not say anything stupid.
I push it down. Down, down as much as I can stand. Down where it doesn't hurt as much, but I know it's there. I push down everything that will make me cry, and sit up, wetting my lips to swallow again, and standing. My legs wobble, and I fall back to the bed.
Just as Kakashi stands up, the door opens and Sakura floods it, filling the room with curses and worries and she swarms over to me, yelling, "Oh my god! Naruto, are you alright? What happened? Why are you so pale? Naruto?"
"I'm fine, Sakura. I just wanted him to lock the door so I could dress," I say, my voice calm, sliding the trash can behind the desk to hide it. Kakashi doesn't say anything, only watching me carefully. Iruka stares at the silver, but Kakashi won't meet his gaze, meeting mine instead. I shake my head minutely, and he blinks, asking, "So what food did you guys get?"
Heavy confusion hovers over the group and Hinata shrinks out of the room, sitting on a chair outside. Neji frowns and asks softly, "Naruto? Didn't Kakashi say anything?"
"We were talking about what happened, since I couldn't remember," I mutter and smile, carefully painting on my smile with a flourish, looking around like I was hunting for food. He frowned, glanced at Gaara, and shrugged, tossing me the brown bag.
Sliding out the sandwich and limp yellow fries, I take time to nurse the ache in my body, fitting it so it only takes up my chest, where I can feel every heartbeat as a painful thrum. It hollows out my insides and I sigh, unwrapping the food to take a bite, trying to chew regularly since I can't pretend everyone's not staring at me.
"So..." they stiffen, and I swallow, only asking, "What did happen? You came in before he could say anything much. All I know is that nobody died." Beaming convincingly up at them, I smothered the small voice than was sobbing, 'liar liar liar liar' in my head.
"Well, not much after you passed out," Juura comes into the room and sat on the edge of the bed, making me sit with her and eat.
"Temari, Kankuro, and Anko showed up to help, and Konohamaru happened to be in town, so he came with-"
"Who?" I raise my brows, curiosity pricking despite myself.
"Gaara's brother and sister, and an old friend of Asuma's. Shikamaru got her number awhile back. Anko's crazy as a sack of squirrels, but she gets the job done. She was actually in the Chinese Mafia for a few years before she vanished and showed up inAmerica. And you know Konohamaru, I think. He was in your high school, right?" the blonde steals a fry and munches patiently.
I nod and look around for Shika, remembering the horrible sight of him dropping, limp to the ground, gunshot ringing out as madness bubbled just under my skin.
"Shika...is he..." I trail off and Neji sighs, nodding slowly.
"Both Shikamaru and Sakura were shot when they tried to help you, but as you can see, Sakura's fine, and Shika will probably just take this chance to soak in all the bed-time he can. Lazy arse," he smirks and relief oozes from my chest, flooding my senses for a moment.
Everyone's alive.
"Yeah, so somehow these guys," she nods at Kakashi and Iruka, "Got their paws on a copter and picked us up after we sent Sasuke and the others with Anko to the hospital. They left through the gate, pretending to be civilians. Since it didn't take that long, no news people had clearance for a copter by the time we left, and couldn't figure out who was in on it and who wasn't."
Her voice is smug and I let a smile glide onto my lips, easily tugging it up just right so it hides the frown.
"Where is everyone, then? I thought…" digging into my memories, I try to pull up Kage's but wince as a thin, white-hot needle slaps me back and I feel my skin prickle, "I just…thought there were more people."
"Oh that's right," Iruka muttered, "You…weren't you."
Silence thickens and I sigh, bracing myself for questions. But nobody asks, and only goes on with the news, forcing smiles and shoving down curious looks.
Somewhere around the arrival toSan Francisco, I finally ask, "So I know there were more people. Where are Jiraiya, and Tsunade? Or Stone? I figured they would've stuck around. Did they already go back home?" I don't ask about Sasuke, deciding I don't care which room the fake Sasuke was in. I know he isn't really here.
But instead of letting it go, Sakura frowns and says ignorantly, "They're out with Shizune, handling the situation with the police. B-but don't you want to know about Sasuke? I mean-" she was silenced by a look from Neji, and bit her lip, scowling.
The ache is still throbbing, I draw my legs up wrapping my arms around them and letting the grin slip from my face. There's an audible pause and I sigh.
"So where…is Sasuke?" Kakashi tenses for a split second, quickly releasing and leaving it to someone else to answer.
They're silent and Gaara speaks up, "He was moved to critical care. I'm sorry Naruto. You might not be able to see him for awhile. But apparently he's doing better, and he's almost stable."
Iruka nods and I nod back, murmuring, "Okay then. I guess that's alright. But he's alive…so it's fine."
I can feel the sympathy pierce me like shards of glass and they worm their way under my skin, trying to see into me. But I break them of and shove them out, whispering, "So are we going home without him?"
Now another uncomfortable pause.
"We were waiting to ask you," Sakura says tentatively, "See, you've been sleeping for about two weeks, and it's almost winter break…so…It's just that school is going to start soon and we've already-"
Again, a sharp glance from Neji cuts off her words and her eyes melt, more sympathy flooding into me.
"Yeah. I guess I won't be able to see him for awhile, and I know he wouldn't want me to…fall behind," I finish lamely and nod.
Sakura looks guilty and speaks up, "You can still see him, but he'll be asleep-you know, from the medication!" she rushes and slips back into the hallway.
The panic that had shot through the others winds down and I smile again, "Sure!"
Now Gaara and Iruka are staring at me, frowns pulled inside their eyes, and I can see confusion as I hop up and throw away my trash, wadding it into the bin and covering my mess from earlier without them seeing. Following Sakura, I see Kiba pressing a button on a snack machine down the hallway and jog to him, grinning.
(A/N: I GOT TIRED OF PRESENT-TENSE. .)
"Hey, kibbles!" I poked him, and he turned, smiling tiredly. Eyes widening, I stared at my friend.
His eyes had huge, black echoes of no-sleep under them, sharpening his hollowed cheeks and pale skin. His ears even drooped, and his freckles shone like dark blots of brown on his nose and arms. He sighed, and sipped a steaming Styrofoam cup, coffee wafting from the dark black liquid. He was skinny, and looked absolutely exhausted. But he smiled and offered to buy me some Oreos.
"Knowing Neji, he probably didn't think about dessert. I saw them head out a few minutes ago. But I wasn't there for whatever happened. Didja faint or something when they told you about Sas-"
"Hey Kiba! Naruto, you're up!" A deep voice said, and I looked up to see Jiraiya walking over, one hand in his jacket, the other holding a brown leather bag stuffed with papers. He tossed it on a bench and pulled Kiba into a one-armed hug, doing the same to me. Sighing, I let myself feel the concern and love pulsing from my godfather, comforted that he was back.
All of my friends were close, and I knew I could rely- well look at what they've done for me. But a few of them were family-close. Jiraiya, for one, was already almost family.
Sasuke didn't count…
Gaara was like a brother but wasn't that good in awkward comforting situations; Sakura was almost a big sister, but wasn't really good with tending to other's opinions, and Tsunade was like my mom sometimes. She'd wake up in the middle of the night when I was in high school and get to my house just when I needed her most.
I laughed at my own thoughts; Tsunade was either a mom or the most epic super-granny of our age.
Iruka was close, but somehow we'd grown apart once Sasuke and me…never mind. Jiraiya let us go and looked me over, pretending not to notice Kiba's gaunt condition, and nodded.
"You look a whole lot better, brat. Blonde hair, for one. Looked like a carnival of colors for awhile there." This was news to me. I pulled back and tugged on a strand of straw gold bangs, scrutinizing it closely.
"Really? What colors?" Kiba smiled and shook his head, leaving us to talk and tossing me the Oreos he'd promised. I opened them and sat down on a bench, waiting for Jiraiya to reveal the mysterious 'color wheel-hair' I'd apparently had.
Sasuke POV
I'm locked in a limbo of sorts, I've decided. It's been roughly a few hours and I can't see anything but swirling shades of molten red and grey. Black flickers on the edges of my vision, and I try to turn and catch it, falling short by a half-a-glimpse.
It flits to the other side and light grey takes its place as I swivel my face, pain ripping down my sides. But it fades as quickly as a heartbeat, and my yell dies before I can voice it.
Something is very wrong, but I can't quite remember what's happened. It's all a soft blur, and words form names until I feel a headache throbbing behind my lids, but no memories come to me, instead choosing to flit as black shadows and light punctuating the ever whirling red-grey mush that's swamping me.
I can barely move, but my head turns well, with only momentary flashes of a darker pain. I have a suspicion that if I could only turn completely around, I would find my memories intact and waiting for me. But that's impossible. I can't do it, because…because…why?
Then I know, like someone answered my question directly. Because I'm scared of what I might already know. There's a dark, deeper pain lingering around my fingertips and squeezing my chest with each breath. I'm breathing.
Yes, I can feel the rhythm as I pause and wait anxiously. It's there. The steady pulse thrums under my two fingers, and I see a flicker of shadow, following the blur across my line of sight, and stopping when I can't get closer.
It's someone's face.
But it flies away before I can grab it and pull it to me.
Sighing, I fall back on the soft surface of whatever I'm laying on.
I realize my eyes are closed.
That's three time now! A strange voice just growled, and I blink, startled. That was my voice.
But I've only just realized that my eyes are still shut.
Excitement pumps at me and I realize that it was a memory-of sorts. Whoever I was...am-was trying to wake up. Pushing with invisible, silent will that was pressing at my mind, I shove it forward, hearing a faint gasp, and hold my breath.
But it whooshes out as something hits my stomach and I blackout, memories and thoughts and feelings bubbling up through the hole we've just made, slamming into me and sliding right through me, expanding to fit my shape. Black engulfs me, and when I wake up, I think of a soft bed and a warm, thick body next to me. Feeling, I can touch only air.
"Sasuke? Sasuke, can you hear me?" I can't move, and try to speak, nothing coming out. I'm not sure why I didn't notice before, but I can't talk, wherever I am. The windless air sucks the words from my mouth and swallows them up before they can escape, and no sound breaks free, silent as I listen.
The voice is familiar, and I hear, "Please wake up now. I know you must be hurting, and I know I'm selfish…but Naruto's hurting, and you're the only one he lets in now. Please wake up," the person begs, and I flicker my hugely heavy lids up, staring at the wavering girl.
It's like looking at someone who's swimming underwater, and her shape shifts and curls into itself, the pink blob on top slowly morphing into hair. Her green eyes flash at me and I drift away again, black swallowing me up. And as I reach out to finally grab a flicker of movement, I swirl deeper, and cry out a silent scream as it pulls me closer, the memory becoming my world.
A bed frame sits in front of me, and a knock at the door rouses me out of bed. I don't control my movements, and my leys carry me to answer it. Swinging it open, I hear my voice growl, "What the hell?"
There's a blonde guy fumbling with his bag in the hall and I stare at him I frowning. "Uzumaki?" He whirls and stares back at me, stuttering something under his breath.
(A/N: PRESENT TENSE IS TOO DIFFUCULT. PRESENT TENSE-2, LAWLIE-0)
"What?" hear myself ask, voice irritable, eyes rubbed with long pale fingers, pinching the bridge of my nose. He flushed and scowled at me, answering angrily, "Do you want to go get breakfast?" Quickly, he added, "Not by ourselves, of course, but Sakura said to ask, since she found out I knew you."
His neck was pink and his eyes glared at me, daring me to comment, I just sighed and nodded, opening the door wider, "Sure but gimme a sec, okay?"
I went back in, leaving the door open. Slowly, he followed.
Over my shoulder I said, "Shut the door." Hearing it click, l grabbed my shirt (I was only wearing my boxers and sweats) from the top of my dresser, tugging it on over my bed head and ruffled my bangs, trying to enforce some law over the unruly spikes. They refused to obey and instead fluffed up harder.
Meanwhile, my 'houseguest' was eagerly looking around while trying not to look eager. I smirked and he pulled away from the medium-sized flat-screen I'd bought as a present to myself. "Let's go," l said as slipped on my shoes and opened the door again.
Shutting and locking the dorm as he came out behind me, l sighed again.
"So where's the "gang?" l asked, looking around for 'suspicious persons' hanging out near us, but we were alone. Naruto, nervous and seeming to look at me with pity, said, "l am so sorry, Uchiha. Really, truly. Sorry."
Now l was frowning darkly and staring at him. But before could ask just what the hell he was talking about a bag was jammed over my head and fingers wrapped around my arms, yanking me down the hall. Not roughly, but firm enough to where my nerves-or my body's nerves-jumped around and panicked.
Laughter sounded from behind me and I unthinkingly snapped my legs, throwing us off balance. We toppled and I rolled away, trying to stand. But something soft tackled me and we rolled into the wall, grunting as we pressed together, me trying not to fall on what felt like a smaller body.
Hey now, I might've been pissed beyond reckoning but I didn't want to crush the guy. Now that I was on the ground, I felt the driving will even out in front of me, making my body reach and grab the guy on top of me, lowering him off. Ripping the bag off, I glared at the group of guys before me.
Standing well away, Naruto was watching us with mixed emotions. Shikamaru, a guy from the grade above us called Neji, and a guy only Naruto seemed to talk to named Gaara were standing close to him, each wearing a small bemused tilt to their lips.
Beside me, Kiba Inuzuka, in our grade and more than a little hyper, was groaning where my elbow had hit his stomach by mistake. Across the hall, a girl with bubblegum hair was sitting down, growling to herself, and trying to fix her broken sunglasses where I'd snapped a frame with my thrashing.
Getting back up, she snarled, "What the hell? It's not like we were killing you! Why'd you have to go and break my favorite sunglasses, you prick!"
Crumpling the brown sack, I threw it on the ground and glared daggers at Shikamaru, but Naruto was the one who shrank back, fidgeting with his uniform's tie and not-looking at me. Rolling his eyes, Shika just walked away, grumbling about a prank getting too troublesome.
Scrambling upright, Kiba traipsed after him and asked if he could help with some English paper, following the lazy assNarainto his dorm next to mine.
"Don't get pissy, princess," Neji said, and I switched my glare to him, snapping, "You know you're all going to die for this?" I got to my feet and stomped to Naruto, grabbing his arm, but not too tightly.
"Come on, idiot," I muttered, and pulled him down to the cafeteria, ignoring the numerous curious glances we got, and the hate-mail via mind by the girl who thought I belonged to them.
Sitting him down at a back table where I could talk to him without being interrupted, I grabbing u two breakfast burritos and two cans of coke, dropping his food before him and scowling at the cafeteria entrance.
"Now," I growled, sitting down, "Naruto." He looked up at me, eyes wide.
"Yeah?" he coughed and started slowly unwrapping his burrito. Scraping off the tinfoil from my own, I took a bite and chewed, swallowing before speaking again.
"I've got to admit, I'm a little disappointed. But not in you, idiot," I added as he looked down, not biting into the food. He stared as I said it, and frowned.
"But…why not?" I rolled my eyes.
"Because I happen to know who coordinated that little scheme, and I know you didn't," I sipped my soda and sighed. Not that I would ever tell the blonde, but this was the seventh time they'd tried this, and the third time they got me.
However, I remain the same in my argument that 'getting' me while the fire alarm is going off doesn't count, and Shika told me I should've known better. Because obviously I have mind-reading abilities. Obviously. Taking another bite, I waited for him to say something.
Inside, I can feel the stronger will pushing forward, and living through this for the first time, chewing and thinking that the food was good. But I could barely keep up, trying to work past an extremely strong sense of déjà vu. This had happened before.
This meant…I was in a memory. It struck me as somehow funny, but I couldn't laugh. I couldn't smile or chuckle, or move. I was strapped in for the ride, and something told me I wasn't going to be let go anytime soon.
Sliding back into his-my consciousness, I settled to watch my own life, and try to understand…or remember why I didn't remember any of this.
Naruto POV
I rushed down the road, my shoes clomping in rhythm with my heartbeat, trying to be faster. My lungs were burning and my throat was dry, but I didn't want to let go of the fast feeling slamming into me. The feeling you only get when you run, because your body like acceleration.
But the voices inside said I was running away from something important. It was around 10 o'clock, and I really should've been inside by now, but I couldn't quit running.
Yesterday, when everyone got back, Tsunade and Shizune negotiated and got the hospital to run tests and sign papers that said I was just fine, checking me out. Sakura promised that we would go see Sasuke in the morning, and I thanked her, curling up inside. Now, after sneaking out of Noir's flat, I'd set out to run until I puked out my heart.
I could definitely do without it. It wouldn't shut up; muttering all the time that He was gone and I wouldn't ever see Him again. Like I didn't know that.
I hadn't slept since I woke up from my two-week nap, and since then I'd managed to get a chunk of my schoolwork done that we'd missed, cook eighteen boxes of ramen, and wash all my clothes. Not to mention I'd beaten Kiba's high score on an Xbox game Noir had.
We'd run around and shot zombies for almost six hours, and I turned the corner, sprinting through the streetlamp into the shadowy night again, letting myself sink into the darkness and the burn in my lungs traveled to my stomach and twisted, springing into my legs so I could breathe again.
Easily loping down the middle of the street, I saw the boards of a fence reflect headlights and slowed until the car horn's echo faded and the small Kia had swerved out onto the highway. I'd run down the highway sidewalk and into the first subdivision I'd found, my feet carrying me through puddles of the morning's rain.
My sweats were soaked through and the wind hitting me breezed through my stark blonde hair, twirling it around my cheeks and across my line of sight.
I had of course noticed that nobody had really talked to me about what happened or much about Sasuke and what they'd heard. They acted like I was going to break.
Maybe I was. Or maybe I already had.
But either way, it wasn't their problem, and telling them how I was afraid to sleep and let my thoughts out in a dream wasn't going to help anything. Telling them that I was about to cry every second of everyday and was wallowing silently in so much pain I felt my skin ripping itself apart trying to keep it all inside.
None of that would help any of us get through this, and I knew I couldn't let them see me cry. I'd never be strong that way, and only Kakashi -and let's face it Iruka- knew for sure that I was almost at my limit.
Deciding that I might really puke if I kept going, I slowed, went to the edge of the road and collapsed on the grass, sides heaving.
The constant throb in my heart was there, so I knew I hadn't puked yet, because surely my body would get rid of the most painful thing first, and that's my heart.
I was dazed from the 20 miles I'd just run like a 100-meter-dasher and sighed, trying to resist talking to Kyuubi.
But I'd sealed him off with the pain by mistake and getting to him through it was like trying to peel a super-sticky band-aid off a lightly scabbed wound. It pulled and pulled until you tried and gave up half-way through because of the pain starting to hit you in waves.
Instead, I turned my head and let my eyes close slowly, tempted to go to sleep right there on a strange lawn in a strange neighborhood on the other side of the world from where I was supposed to be. My breathing eased and my thighs still ached pleasantly.
A car alarm went off and I jolted awake, partially thankful and partially annoyed, glaring at the same Kia from earlier. The guy had locked his keys inside, and I grinned wickedly, snapping at him inside, "Serves you right, asshole!"
Then the guilt swept over me and I couldn't believe I'd thought that. Going over with stiff limbs that felt like I was still running, I offered to help, but he couldn't understand me, gesturing and speaking English that I could only understand the tone and broken words of.
Shaking my head, I frowned and got my phone halfway out of my pocket before realizing that the guy was walking up to a house that was pitch black, and knocking on the door.
I got the message and left, trotting over past the signpost, looking both ways, and going across the street. It was time to go back, and I got lost before finally finding my way out of the suburb, finding that people don't ever sleep inAmerica.
Getting directions from a Chinese woman who nodded and pointed left, speaking with broken fragments of Japanese words she hoped would help I found my way to the highway. She waved me on cheerfully, and I found that…guess. I was on the WRONG SIDE OF THE SUBURB. I know you're all thinking, "NO!"
Well it's true. An unfamiliar part of the city sprawled out before me, unraveling from my feet and scaring the bejeezus outta me. Quickly turning, I paused, seeing a park a few blocks away.
Looking-again-both ways, I sprinted across and ignored the car horn blaring at me as the eighteen wheeler plowed through the spot I'd just vacated four seconds earlier. Swerving and leaping over the divider, I once again ran across three lanes of honking traffic and stopped, fear pumping into me.
Going down the slope, I went into the park from the west side and sitting on a bench by the small ornate fountain in front of it. The signs were in strange English and I couldn't understand the song playing softly over loudspeaker a mile or so away, but it was so peaceful and familiar.
The deep green grass felt so soft as I took my shoes off and sunk my toes into it, curling them into the rich soil. Moths fluttered around a streetlight and the neon city was muted, the highway seeming like a lifetime ago.
I relaxed and moved so I sat on the ground, wrapping my arms tightly around my legs and just…sitting. Soon I'd probably get a call asked where I was and why the hell I hadn't said anything, but as far as I was concerned, I was in charge of myself.
Telling everyone else that, however, was like telling a dog not to bark. It's reflexive, so I couldn't blame them for worrying. Just getting down the stairs had been a heart-stopping journey, though, seeing as Sakura and Tsunade had both said they'd rather I not go anywhere alone until they were sure I was medically sound.
It felt like a threat to me. A serious one, but I really did not care. They couldn't tell me what to do just because I was mentally unstable. That sounded better in my head.
Still. I promised Him I would be safe and stay strong, and He swore He'd never leave me alone. That I'd never need to be so strong since he would be strong for me. I guess we never really planned on strength being a necessity, but I wasn't being strong. I was being as weak as I could live with.
To some extent, holding it in would be seen as tough, and trust me, it is. But it's not being strong. Strength is facing things head-on. I'm surviving, but I'm not being as strong as I should be.
I'm terrified of losing myself, and in that losing the only proof I have that everything up till now-the dark onyx eyes, the way he'd smile secretly at me, the way his cool fingers felt on my skin-wasn't false. That it really happened.
Sighing, I let myself enjoy the quiet for a little while longer and then called the only one I knew wouldn't make a big deal out of it to come and pick me up.
"Tch. Sure, where are you?"
"Some park by the highway. I'm not sure."
"Damn, Naruto. Can't you ever not be troublesome? It's almost midnight for crapsake!"
"Thanks, Shikamaru," I murmured, and he sighed and 'mhmm-ed'. Smiling, I crawled back onto the bench and waited for him to get there.
Kyuubi POV
Sitting outside my cage, I lifted my lip at the feeling of the bloody water soaking through my deep pelt, and sighed in resignation. I'd waited for days, but the water had only just begun to clear. But then it stopped and hadn't changed since. I couldn't get through to the kit, and something was growing inside.
I could only barely reach out and feel around it, sensing loss and brokenness. But I'd known when he did that Sasuke-kit wasn't dead. So why the broken space around me?
The wall were fixed and the structure was fine, but there was blood staining and leaking from the walls, dying my surrounding the deep maroon of hopelessness. Standing and lying down inside the cage, I breathed relief, since my own part of his mind was clean, but confused.
My fur was clear again and even though I'd spent all day next to his most recent thoughts on the back wall, I hadn't been able to penetrate the sudden, strong wall surrounding them. It wasn't that he was trying to keep me out, instead that he was trying to keep so much of it in, and I could feel his stretching himself to fit it better. He was expanding, and I felt him taut and straining.
Sighing again, I closed my giant red eyes, knowing I couldn't reach him. Whatever was happening, I was right back where I'd been before. Ignored and alone. And no matter what I tried, or how I didn't like it, Naruto was on his own unless he let me help.
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