Chapter Two

Sam lay in bed staring at the ceiling, the soft sounds coming from the cot letting him know that the woman, Nikki, was still asleep beside him. He also knew that Dean hadn't gotten out of bed yet and that Bobby was at work downstairs because the phone had rung five times and it wasn't even 5am yet. He'd been trying to sort out what all had happened to him and so far it was pretty grim.

Most of his memories stemmed from what seemed like an alternate state of consciousness. He could only go back so far and then he felt a block in his mind and automatically new that he'd best not go any farther than that wall. But what he could remember scared the hell out of him. He'd always knew that him and Dean were borderline psychotic killers, but to be confronted with memories of such cold and calculated kills frightened him. What's more, his actions towards Dean and Bobby and the precision with which he'd carelessly executed his plan's to resolve his cases were the most terrifying. He had an inside glimpse of the mind of a serial killer and it made him nauseous to know that he had become that killer.

Now he was left picking up the pieces, cleaning up the mess of a broken relationship he'd left tattered, and flapping in the wind with Dean. Oh my god, I actually told Dean I didn't care about him, tried to kill him and Bobby. He'd lain in bed for two hours, agonizing over it, trying to come to terms with his actions and so far all he'd done was barely hang on to what little dignity and self respect he had left, expecting Bobby or Dean to burst through the door with loaded weapons or worse to treat him as coldly as he'd done them and toss him out on his ass without another thought.

It would be nothing short of what I deserved. I am the monster now.

"Stop it Sam. He did everything in his power to get your soul back and to ensure that you lived as normal and long a life as can be expected." Nikki's voice was soft and kind, unexpected and almost sacrilegious when introduced to the vile thoughts rolling around in Sam's head.

He tried to move to look at her but was brought up short with sharp pains in his chest and abdomen. She stood and moved slowly towards him, her small and delicately cool hands skimming his brow and moving down over his chest, alleviating pain and leaving a feeling of warmth and peace in their wake.

"No one expected me to even be alive, let alone be up top and trying to kill my family!" he blurted out angrily, uncaring that he was trusting a complete strange with something so personal.

"Wow, of all the things I glimpsed about you Sam Winchester I never caught on to the fact that you were quitter." Sam glared at her oddly colored eyes and fumed.

"You don't know anything about me ... !" Nikki laughed.

"I know that you've fought against evil that surrounded you your whole life, you have a higher expectation for the lives that you save than you have for yourself and that extends to your brother as well, you endured torture to save the world and now that you're back your worst fear is living again. Because if you do start to live again you'll have to shoulder those burdens you placed on yourself and face your mistakes and all those people who know your mistakes like Dean and Bobby." Sam stared at her in open-mouthed shock; she'd just summed up exactly how he'd been feeling this morning.

"Who sent you?" he finally asked.

"Death. Ironic isn't it?" Sam sighed at her words, definitely ironic since the one thing he'd actually craved was the one thing keeping him alive.

Dean stood outside Sam's door, a shoulder up against the jam and a hand over his face. He'd heard their conversation and was furious at his brother. He wanted to die? After all this, he just wanted to give up and flake out? Dean wanted to go in and beat his ass but he knew where he was coming from. After he'd come back and began remembering everything he'd done, what he'd become, for a time his stint in hell seemed better than living with what he'd thought had been a lie. He'd felt less than human and so alone. But his hell was confined to only what he remembered, Sam's hell had extended out and affected people that he'd cared about, making his guilt ten times as bad. And if there was one thing consistent with Sam, he knew how to multiply his guilt and meld it into one big steaming pile of hatred.

"Morning Sunshine!" Dean said cheerily as he entered the room. "Nikki Lee you are looking hot in that sexy nurses uniform!" He whistled low and nudged Sam, who rewarded him with a long awaited "bitchface". Nikki laughed and made her way carefully towards the bathroom, her jeans in hand.

"Morning Dean, if you need anything call me, I'm going to take a shower." Sam almost panicked when he realized he'd be left alone in the room with Dean. Dean sat down on the bed, feeling awkward that Sam couldn't even look him in the eyes.

"Dude, I don't want to go over this but one time. You're my brother, I love you, and I'd do anything for you. You know that. That other guy wasn't you, you were in the pit with two angels playing rugby with your soul. But you're out now and you have a whole cosmos of beings working to make sure your head doesn't blow up and you live long enough to put up with me ... for a real long time. So I'll give you two days to throw yourself the largest pity party you can, then after that you're gonna rejoin the living got it?" Sam looked at Dean this time, shame and anger written plainly on his face, and nodded once.

"Good, now milk this all you can, maybe you'll get a sponge bath outa ... " The bathroom door swung open and a sopping wet sponge hit Dean squarely in the chest. Sam chuckled as Nikki's wet head peaked around the corner.

"Sponge that ... !"

"Damn psychic's ... " Dean muttered. Sam chuckled and rolled his eyes.

Sighing he looked seriously at Dean and said "Hey, so um ... listen ... uh I need to talk to you and Bobby ... do you uh ... think he'd ... I don't know ... listen to me?" Dean stared at Sam like he'd grown two heads.

"Dude, Bobby's family. Of course he would, but you don't have to ..." Sam shook his head.

"Damn it Dean ... don't make excuses for me! I know what I did .. to him .. to you .." Dean rocked back at the wrath on Sam's face, "I KNOW what I tried to do .. and as usual "sorry" isn't enough right? I fucked up before, was given a second chance and fucked that up and now ..." Sam took a breath, his chest feeling as if it was on fire, and let loose a painful cry.

"I think perhaps I'm going to let you stew in that one for a bit Sam as I already explained this morning that you're being quite the angst ridden pain in the ass. Guilt I can understand, but you should have learned from past mistakes that anger towards yourself only leads to even more anger which eventually leads to ... I don't know ... the end of world? Dean, make yourself useful and fetch Sam some juice and toast for breakfast." Dean frowned in consternation at the patronizing tone of Nikki coming from the bathroom and started to let her know what he thought, but Sam's ragged breathing distracted him.

"Sam, I don't want us to fight .. I'm sorry .. I ..." Sam shook his head.

"She's right .. I have to .. to .. confront this .." the last part came out more of a hiss than anything else as his body began to contort with massive cramps. "Ahhh .. d'n ... !"

"Nikki .. !" Dean yelled, alarmed at how bad the pain was for Sam. Bobby threw the door open, eyes wide and concerned.

"What happened!" Nikki opened the bathroom door and made her way to the bed and placed her bare hands on Sam's chest. A few seconds ticked by and the pain finaly subsided and he settled back against the pillows breathing more calmly.

"Enough of this crap between the two of you. Bobby, Sam is feeling a horrendous amount of guilt for trying to kill you when he had no soul and Dean, Sam is sorry for basically the same thing, I believe the vampire incident is what he is projecting. He's also sorry for being angry, blood addicted, not doing MORE than HUMANLY possible to get YOU out of hell, breaking up your relationship with Lisa .. seriously Sam he'd screwed that relationship up without your help .. and ..." she shook her head confused," for the love of Pete .. something about dropping your toothbrush in the toilet a few weeks back and not bothering to tell you about it .. what are you twelve?" All three pairs of eyes bored a hole in the ceiling.

"You are grown men for heaven's sake. Is communication a lost art between you or do you still piss hieroglyphics in the dirt and grunt your syllables? Hunter's Supreme you may be, but by god you need therapy! Now all of those who ARE NOT confined to bed with traumatic brain injuries AND mutilated souls get the hell out of this room and don't come back unless you have something constructive to either say or do that will NOT upset SAM!" She pointed her finger at the wall, but Dean was definitely not going to correct her, and him and Bobby promptly vacated the room.

Sam lay there looking at her and almost smiled if it wasn't for the fact that his head and throat ached, his stomach was growling, and he really needed to go to the bathroom. He shifted uncomfortably and sighed. He made a mental note to not agitate the only person capable of lifting him out of the bed and onto the toilet.

"Do you think you can get to the bathroom and in to the shower? I know you haven't been a wake for long but you'll get over the soreness faster if you get up and try to move about a bit. I can't see naturally, so that will give you plenty of privacy if you need my help, other than that I'm going to have to get Dean and so help me if you pick another argument with your brother who went through his own private hell trying to get you back I may very well throttle you myself."

This last bit tickled Sam, because he couldn't see soft little Nikki Lee hurting anything, though her temper was a sight to see. Her face was flushed, and she was fussing over his covers, her hands taking place in an animated air show as she talked.

"I think I'll be fine .. and thanks for that .. sometimes family can be a bit complicated I guess and we Winchesters have never pulled "family" off well." Sam said, attempting at sitting up on his own. Nikki moved to help him, making sure he made no sudden movements, and within a few minutes had Sam safely in the bathroom. She waited patiently outside on her cot as Sam finished his shower and opened the door. She wrapped an arm around his chest and they cautiously made their way back to the bed.

She was shocked, when she had first touched him, he had been in so much pain that night, but today he was warm and wet and obviously had a well-sculpted body. It seemed to her that she felt every ripple of hard and toned muscle and it was definitely not displeasing her one bit. She had never been with a man, but when she did she freverently hoped it would be with someone who felt like this. Oh my god! I can't believe that I'm even thinking that! I was sent here to help him not lose my virginity to him! Snap out of it before you project some sexual fantasy and get laughed right out on your butt! She hadn't even noticed that she was leaning over Sam with her hands still on his chest after he'd already laid back down on the bed.

He cleared his throat and asked "Is everything alright? I didn't knock anything loose did I?"

"Oh, sorry, no I was .. um .. just double checking your muscles .. I mean your heart muscle." Oh god what am I saying! "You know not sleeping for over a year can take its toll on things like that." She immediately withdrew her hands, prayed that she wasn't blushing, and made her way to the dresser where she slipped on her jacket and her gloves.

"I'm going to get us some breakfast. I'll be right back Sam." He'd already closed his eyes and just nodded his head as he rested against the pillows.

"Sam? Are you alright? Did you fall asleep?" She questioned. Sam started, forgetting she couldn't see, he felt like such an ass.

"Sorry Nikki, I nodded and then just spaced out. Breakfast sounds good, but you don't have to wait on me I'll make my way in there in a bit."

"Don't be ridiculous Sam, I'm not going to wait on you hand and foot. Your brother is feeling guilty enough I'll .. how did he say it .. "milk that"." She winked and walked out of the room leaving Sam chuckling to himself. He didn't know much about her but he knew she'd fit right in while she was with them.

The rest of the day passed quietly for Sam. Him and Nikki got to know each other pretty well and in between talking about both their lives and adventures they'd had, Dean or Bobby or both would come in and out of the room to check on them and them bring them what they needed. Sure enough, Nikki had guilted his brother into doing pretty much what she wanted him to do, though Sam knew that Dean never did anything he didn't really want to, and the reprieve he'd gotten from Dean's lecture wasn't over, just postponed. After a week of recuperating and slowly getting up and moving around Sam was able to make it through most of the day without having an attack. But night time was when the worst of the episodes came. When his mind was at rest and could wander without him actively ensuring that he didn't travel to far down memory lane, was when he got in to trouble.

Nikki had become his saving grace. Twice he had woke up to the sounds of his own screams, nose bleeding, arms thrashing wildly, and Dean pinning him down so Nikki could get close enough to lay hands on him and shut him down. On those nights, after Dean had left the room to pace or lay awake intently listening for an episode to spike again, she had laid down next to him and they had both fallen asleep to her massaging his temples or shoulders. A few days of this and Sam and Nikki noticed a change in Sam's sleeping patterns: When she was in bed with him he didn't have attacks as bad. Several days of testing this arrangement out and Sam was sleeping throughout the night. He was moving around without pain, able to exercise more during the day, and feeling more himself.

Unfortunately, the side effect for him was that he had secretly, at least hoped it was as much a secret as he could keep from Nikki, been in a different kind of pain. His attraction to Nikki had grown stronger and his need to keep her close had bled from mental to physical. He relished going to bed at night and waking up in the mornings with tangled legs and soft warm skin. How this was going to play out when they hit the road he didn't know, and the hard on that he woke ever morning with was becoming second nature to contend with in the privacy of the bathroom once Nikki silently excused herself from the room. But the road didn't allow much privacy and Dean could be a pit bull when he caught the scent of embarrassment on Sam. He knew that it was going to be time to leave soon, and since Dean had made it plain that Nikki was there to stay (knowing full well that the decision had come from Death and not just Dean being over protective) it was time to talk some things out with Dean.

Walking through Bobby's house, Sam searched out Dean who was busy working on the Impala outside. Sam carried two beer's in his hand and stood patiently by as Dean wiped off his hands and accepted the cool drink. They sat down on the front of the car and sipped silently until Dean spoke up.

"So, she's good for another 700 miles now. We still on lock down on what we can talk about?" He asked contritely. Sam chuckled.

"I don't know, mention the word and see if she pop's up with a cat-o-nine and starts wailing on us." Dean cast suspicious looks around the yard.

"Ok, so look, there's some things I need to talk to you about before we head out ..." Dean began shaking his head but Sam held up a hand, "Dude I'm not going to bring anything up unless you want me too .. I'm talking about Nikki."

"Oh, ok, cool ..." Dean said sipping his beer. "You do her yet?" he joked and nudged Sam, which drew a bitchface and hard shove back. Dean nearly choked.

"Oh my god dude, you have the hot's for your psychic nurse!" Dean nearly fell off the car laughing. Sam sighed.

"Haha .. can you please be serious for a moment Dean?" Dean straightened up and just barely managed to pull it together.

"We sleep together," Dean, completely loosing it, fell onto his brother laughing," it's not physical, yet, it's to make sure I don't have a psychotic episode .. you ass would you be serious here!"

"Dude I'm honestly trying, but oh my god Sam, only you could have issues with this." Standing up he took several deep breaths and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Ok, look, it's simple really. I'm like, a heavy sleeper man, so I don't care if my little brother has a whole swim team in his bed that helps keep that melon glued on straight. I'm also well aware that it's going to be different having a girl in the car and in the room and that I'll have to actually wear clothes when I come out of the shower. But the alternative is that we give up hunting and since that isn't really an option right now ..." Dean stopped when he noticed Sam's face. "What?" He asked.

"You'd give up hunting?" Sam asked.

"If you needed me to yeah, of course I would." Dean shuffled his feet and started wiping down tools which was Winchester code for "don't go there it's too close to discussing feelings and that makes men look like girls and Winchesters are so not girls". Sam cocked his head and made a "hrumph" sound, clearly impressed that his brother would actually do that for him.

Maybe Dean doesn't hate me, Sam thought.

God, how could Sammy think I wouldn't lasso the moon for him if I thought it would make things better, Dean thought.

Morons, Bobby thought as he walked towards the boys, shaking his head.

"You boys ever think that maybe Nikki had a point when she mentioned therapy?" he stated. Both Winchesters smiled sheepishly and chuckled. Sam stood up and immediately threw his arms around Bobby and hugged him. Shocked, Bobby hugged him back and Dean looked on rolling his eyes.

"Told you once before boy, it wasn't you." Bobby put a hand on Sam's shoulder who nodded at him.

"I know," he whispered quietly," that was for both you and Dean. If I tried to hug him, he'd just knee me in the balls." Bobby laughed. Dean nodded and pointed towards Sam with a wrench.

"I still might you big pansy." Sam chuckled and then tossed something over to Dean.

"Something RoboSam was supposed to have given you back but was too much of a douche bag to do. Before we left out again, and since it's so close your birthday anyway, I thought this would be the perfect time." Dean looked at Sam and frowned as he held the small brown paper wrapped package in his hand.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Open it and find out, idiot." Bobby exclaimed, standing there with his hands in his vest pockets.

Dean opened the package and there was his amulet that Sam had given him so long ago. He'd been such an asshole when he'd tossed it in the trash can at the motel but at the time it seemed to embody everything that had went wrong: the search for God by Cas, his broken relationship with Sam, the terrifying hopelessness they'd had over not being able to stop the apocalypse. Now, holding it in his hand, he remembered how when he'd left Sam at that rest stop to split up, that he'd drove hard to get back to that motel and find the necklace but he'd thought it had been too late, that either someone had picked it up while cleaning the room or that it had been thrown away. Now he knew it had never been left behind at all, that Sam had stashed it away hoping that his brother would once again care about him enough to wear it. He looked solemnly at Sam and hugged his brother tightly.

"I never stopped caring about you Sam, never stopped praying, just never stopped ... you're all I've got man." Embarrassed to display such a chic flick moment in front of Bobby, they pulled apart and shuffled around. Clearing his throat, Sam smiled at Dean.

"It was in my duffel bag. In the chaos of those last few weeks before .. well .. before it all went down, I was supposed to give it to you but shit happened so fast and ..." Dean shook his head and placed the necklace over his head, letting it rest on his chest. The world just seemed to fall neatly into place then, for both Sam and Dean.

"You know what bro, Nikki's right, I don't even want to go there anymore. We're family, we did what we had to do, saved the world, and we're back together again. We're going to be fine, and luckily we have a physic on our team to let us know when we're going to screw up, so we won't actually screw up and get screwed ... " Dean paused, "or some shit like that. Hell, let's just go gank some monster's!"

- I'm very narcissistic so please review -