I have lost track of the dates – I don't know where I am either

I stood outside watching as the whole place burned down to the ground. Skulduggery stood perfectly still and ghastly was on his hands and knees sobbing, but not quite.

I scribbled a line into my book and walked over to Val.

'What happened?' I asked her in shock. She just stood there with her mouth open.

Tanith came up to us and put one hand on Val's shoulder.

'We need to run girls,' she told us and walked over to talk to Skul. He jumped as if waking up and then nodded. Tanith came back to us and Skulduggery went to Ghastly. He hauled Ghastly off the ground and walked over to us.

Ever the inappropriate time, my phone started going off. It wasn't someone texting me though, it was someone ringing me. My tone was, annoyingly, I will survive.

Everyone looked at me. Dam.

'Hello?' I asked the phone.

'Hi,' someone replied. Because I had been distracted when I answered it, I didn't know who it was.

'I need help,' the person told me.

'As soon as I know who you are,' I said back.

'You didn't look at the phone?' she asked back. I did so now.

'Yeah. Where are you?' I asked her in turn.

'I'm trapped in the phone-booth at the corner of walk and don't walk.'

'That's not helpful. Where are you really?' I repeated my question.

In a place with a cool roof.'

'That helped me,' I said and jumped when I heard her start screaming.

'What's wrong?' I asked.

'There is this guy trying to kill me again!' she called into the phone as she tried to run away from him.

'Again?' I asked.

'Not now! Please, where are you?'

'Ghastly's old place.'

'Old place?'

'Long story told short, not now.'

'Burn,' she said.

'Literally,' I said back.

'What?'

'Don't worry.'

'Could we go to Val's place?' I sweetly asked Skulduggery.

'Of course we can,' Skulduggery replied just as sweetly laying the sarcasm on.

'Just because my twin is there trying to get killed,' I said, still sugar sweet.

'Wait, what?' Val asked.

'Didn't you hear me? I said my twin is in your house making us a cup of tea,' I said, sarcasm obvious.

'Why?' asked Skulduggery. My phone started ringing again. I gave one last glare and then answered it.

'Sup?' I asked the caller careful not to say her actual name.

'Well, this guy with a large nose who I have just nicknamed Julia just said that he wanted to hurt me. He was then punched in the arm by a lady who I have called Tony saying that was a lie. Are you coming to help me?' she asked all in one breath.

'Let me just ask,' I replied and held me hand over the phone. 'Is anyone going to help my poor twin who is trying really hard to get killed?'

Val looked at Skulman unsure. He nodded and we all drove off to Val's place again.

Once there the door was burst open in a cool action movie move and we all walked in like we were the heroes. Not that I would know…

We found Stella standing there with a broken vase yelling at the guy who I am guessing just got knocked unconscious.

'What happened here?' Tanith asked.

'What does it look like?' Stella replied. 'He was trying to attack me so I hit him back. Sorry about the vase, Val.'

'How do you know my name?' Val screeched! I think she might have been mad at the broken vase. I might have been the best present she ever got from Fergus. It was probably only worth about two dollars as well.

'I can read minds,' Stella said mysteriously and then started laughing hysterically. 'Not!' she shouted.

Skulduggery rolled his eyes in return and waited for her to calm down. Unfortunately for him, as soon as Stella started laughing, I started laughing with her. It took about ten minutes but eventually we both did calm down enough to have a normal conversation. Or at least normal for us.

'Flying frying pans!' I shouted and then we started to have a normal conversation.

'Why is Ghastly's place burning?' she asked me.

'Because someone is trying to attack us,' I replied. 'My turn. Why is someone attacking you again?'

'I seriously don't know. They just are. I was in class and then I ran out of the building to get away from then and then pop! I was here,' she said.

'Cool,' I replied.

We both fell into a brief silence until I smirked. Val was talking to Skulduggery and looking really annoyed with Stella and me.

'Someone took their demented pills today,' Stella said and I laughed. So she noticed it as well.

'Yep. Or maybe it's her time of the month,' I replied.

'PMS!' Stella called out over to Val. In return, Val turned around and gave us a confused look. We smiled sweetly and continued our conversation, ignoring her now death glares shot in our direction.

'So, how's life?' I asked Stella.

'Meh,' she replied and I nodded.

'It's more interesting here,' I said.

'Now I can believe that. Where's Fletch?'

'Australia,' I said with a shrug.

'What? He was over there and you didn't tell me?'

'Yes, but Skulduggery is so much more handsomer!' I was going to loose this, that much I could tell.

'And dead,' Stella replied with a straight face.

Yep, lost.

There was a really long pause as neither group talked. I managed to look at the roof and the broken vase before I got bored with it all.

'Well this is a good quality long, awkward pause,' I said.

'Awkward turtle!' Stella exclaimed and made the sign for it. I laughed as once again the other group stared at us. They seem to do that a lot.

Well next we all just talked. I never manage to remember the actual conversation other than Stella and I were just catching up and Val, Skul, Tanith and Ghastly were all talking about something that might have been important. Might…

Anyway, in the end it was decided (but Stella and I didn't get a choice) that we would all sleep at Val's house but one person at all times had to stay awake just in case we were going to be attacked. As soon as I heard this I volunteered to do the shift after midnight. They naturally said no and organised it in between themselves.

'When I nudge you, scream flying Bolveks, OK?' I said quickly and softly.

'Bolveks?' she asked back. I shook my head in a later sign then nudged her. We both screamed and then ran up the stairs to the hallway.

'Why don't we play a prank on Skulduggery?' I said.

'Oh no. We just have to make sure that he won't kill us,' she replied wisely.

'But it's funnier that way!' I protested.

'And more deadly,' she glared.

'True, too true. Hey why don't we…'

And I will explain what we did later.

It was that afternoon. We had decided that the ruins of Ghastly's house would still be smouldering, so we didn't do there. Skulduggery had started teaching Stella everything and I had a serious case of boredom. So I started texting her whilst she was trying to pay attention.

I have nothing to do! I sent to her. She ignored me however.

Did I tell you that I punched Julia Gillard?Still nothing. Bad thing to do with me…

I started sending her random messages, each with its own message

90% of people I want to murder horribly. I have to keep reminding myself about the other 10%: Gandhi, Johnny Depp, and that guy who hands out full-sized candy bars on Halloween.

Maniacal laughter is inappropriate and unbecoming.

I've always believed in the one, two, three rule: one horrific life-threatening accident is an accident; two are a coincidence; and three means you really need to consider another line of work.

Suddenly a yell came from up the stairs (I was down stairs still).

'Can you stop?' I almost yelled in glee at the line. Skulduggery had gotten annoyed enough to yell! I had achieved the impossible in a short amount of time. But just to make sure that it wasn't a fluke…

I'd like to see a problem that can't be solved with explosives.

I heard a loud thud and then loud really annoyed footsteps echoing down the hall. I ran for my life outside. Just as I was reaching the forest line my phone buzzed.

He's coming for you. You r dead! Stella sent me. I was about to laugh before I realised that it could give away my position. What did I do?

I climbed up the nearest tree of course.

I watched as Skulduggery and then Val madly ran into the bush. I contemplated following them and was about to get out of my spot in the tree when they started running towards the clearing again. Skulduggery was ahead of Val and he was encouraging her to run faster. In her defence, she did generally look slightly scared. What ever they had met in there was not good. It was time for me to start running as well.

I dropped down from there and took off. I HATE running, have I ever told you? It sucks bad! Just as I ran out of breath and contemplated lying on the ground I heard Val scream out my name.

Then, like in all cool movies, everything went black.