The First Human Spectre

by Octo8

ME1; Tali and Shepard are viewpoint characters with romance in later chapters. Shepard has been appointed the first human Spectre, but that does not mean he will play nice with either Council or Alliance. He will catch Saren doing things his own way. Heavy anti-Alliance slant in later chapters.

24. Ch24: After Virmire

Shepard breathed harshly, trying best as he could to fight off his emotions.

Kaidan was dead, alongside two other marines, killed in a nuclear blast he had initiated himself. That blast had destroyed Saren's base, and thus the mission had been a success, but at what price? Everything had gone absolutely crazy at the end of it, with geth swarming their positions both at the designated nuke site and at the AA tower held by Ashley and the salarians. And thus Shepard had been forced to make a brutal choice - he had only been able to save and evacuate one team. He had chosen the the larger team at the AA tower. It had been a rational, logical choice - but it still meant he had condemned Kaidan to death.

He had lost men under his command before, but he had never been forced to choose between deaths, had never been forced to explicitly send people to their deaths. And as he experienced now this was something different altogether. Worse yet, initially Shepard had spoken out for a space bombardment of the base instead of a ground assault. In that case Kaidan would still have been alive, most likely. The only reason he in the end had agreed to a ground assault was not for the sake of the mission, but for getting Saren's genophage cure. He had the cure now, but still the fact remained - those marines had died not for the sake of the mission, but for the sake of his, Shepard's, own private secondary objective.

He really hoped the krogan were worth it.

Tali's arms were around him. They were standing on the stairs between first and second deck on the Normandy. Tali stood some steps higher and had drawn him into an embrace, where he currently rested. He could only feel the cold exterior of her suit, and yet Tali provided a sort of anchor for him, amidst his racing thoughts.

He regained some calm and breathed out several times. "Thank you," he whispered. In response, Tali's touch merely tightened a bit.

They remained in this position for some time longer, until Shepard heard steps on the deck below him. Decisive, angry steps accompanied by something that sounded almost like a growl. Ashley, Shepard recognized. He knew that of course he was not the only one hit by Kaidan's death, and Ashley seemed to have been hit especially hard. She had insisted Shepard should have saved the Lieutenant instead of her, and had looked utterly depressed during the evacuation of her team.

Slowly, Shepard, withdrew from Tali. It was not so much that he feared being discovered. What went on between him and her was an open secret aboard anyway. It was rather that he realized he really needed to check up on Ashley, to not let her remain alone in her own pain. They were after all both soldiers, comrades on the battlefield. He looked at Tali, smiled, and then turned to intercept Ashley.

He found her pacing like a wild, caged animal on the second deck, in front of the stairs. As soon as she spotted him, she began to talk rapidly: "I... I couldn't watch it. I can't believe we left Kaidan to die. How could we just leave him down there?"

How could we? That question hit him like a blunt strike. That was what had gone round and round in Shepard's head, too. How could he just have condemned Kaidan to die? "There was no time," he managed to press out with a croaked voice. He breathed out and gathered himself. "The Normandy could not have evacuated both groups. Kaidan gave his life to save the rest of us. All of us."

"That should've been me," Ashley declared. It was surprisingly decisive and even angry.

"Really, Ashley?," Shepard asked surprised. "And what about the people with you, Garrus and the salarians?"

"I know, I'm not trying to..." Ashley began, only to interrupt herself. "You saved my life and I'm grateful for that. It's just..." Her voice trailed off.

"I simply tried to save as many people as possible," Shepard stated quietly, knowing very well that it had not been enough.

"I'm sorry, Commander," Ashley apologized, "You had to think of everything, everybody. But... Kaidan could have seen everything you achieved for him and the other biotics. There was a future for him, but now he's dead, while I... I would gladly have stayed behind."

"Ashley..." Shepard began unsurely, "When we talked at Armistice Day, you told me you wouldn't fall on a sword for your grandfather's sake. So, don't!"

"That's not fair, there's more..." Ashley protested, but again her voice became lost.

"Is there?" Shepard asked, "Tell me: Are you really that willing to throw your life away?"

"No, I... I want to live," Ashley stated, "But at least my death would have had some purpose, if it could clean our family's name. Kaidan's death, though - it's so senseless!"

"No death has any purpose," Shepard said darkly, and then softened his voice: "Please, Ashley. You have your own life, don't try to throw it away on account of your grandfather. I don't think he would have wanted that, either." Ashley did not respond to that and remained silent. Shepard pressed on: "And there's more. We need you. Kaidan is dead, and..." Now his own words hit Shepard. Kaidan is dead. The Commander breathed out. "Kaidan is dead. No amount of lamentation can bring him back. If we now also lose you the entire team will fall apart. We need you, the mission needs you, I need you."

"Do you?" Ashley asked weakly, "Others can do the fighting just as well as me. You have your Spectre entourage... and... and Tali..." She stopped. "Ah, sorry Commander, I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay," Shepard reassured her, even though he felt uneasy. "Everybody knows already anyway, I think." That at least was true enough. "And yes, others can do the fighting as well. But not as good as you." He attempted to force a smile on his face - but failed utterly. "And who would keep me from doing even more shenanigans?"

"But what do we do now?" Ashley pleaded, "Saren's base is destroyed, but Kaidan is dead, and I...I don't know..."

"We'll keep the pressure on Saren," Shepard answered, forcing himself to sound decisive, "We'll chase him, we'll hunt him down, and we'll make him pay for every single death he has caused. He has Kaidan's blood on his hands, and every single drop of it will be avenged. This I swear to you." And while he had said so in the intention to get some spirit back into Ashley, he meant every word of it. He would not let get Saren away. Not after today. Not after what he had seen on Virmire, and not after Kaidan's death.

"Yes, sir," Ashley confirmed, "You're right. I'm... we'll get it done."

Shepard was not sure if he had truly reached the Gunnery Chief, but her reply would have to do for now. "Get some rest. Ash. You've earned it. We all have."

"Aye-aye, sir. And you?" Ashley asked.

A good question. Shepard remained silent for a while. We need to find Saren... He answered: "Unfortunately, I still have one contribution to the mission to make, but don't worry about me."

Ashley looked at him puzzled, but didn't say anything. Instead she walked off towards the sleeping pods.

Shepard watched her go. There was indeed something he could do right now to help the mission, something he even should do right now, but he really did not look forward to it. On the other hand, maybe that was a reason to get it behind him as quickly as possible.

He sighed and, still clad in his mission armour, walked to the medbay.

However, he did not need any medical attention from Dr Chakwas. The mission had been painful also physically, and his shields and armours had often been breached, but he had received no injury that medi-gel was not capable of fixing. Rather he walked towards the door at the opposite side of the medbay. As it had no bell to ring, he knocked. He was not willing to simply walk in. Liara had been on the mission as well; maybe she needed some time for herself.

However, her soft, monotone voice answered promptly: "Come in."

Shepard opened the door and took one step in. "Did I... come at a bad time?" he asked carefully.

"Ah... no, not at all," Liara answered. She was sitting at her desk and looked over her back. She was still in armour, too. "I... I was just thinking. About the mission. And about Lieut... Kaidan."

"He'll be missed," Shepard said as he approached her. "And that's not just a phrase, he truly will be."

Liara put her arms on the table and rested her head on her fingers, rubbing her temples. "And yet it seems there is so much more at stake that I do not know whether it even makes sense to mourn a single life."

Shepard knew what she meant. There was a certain melancholy about it. It was possible nothing made any sense anymore. And yet... "If we were just numbers it would make no sense at all to try to stop the Reapers," he stated softly, yet decisively "Each single life is unique, and precious."

"Now you sound like my... Benezia," Liara said. "That is, before... before she allied herself to Saren. You're right, of course. Kaidan will be missed."

"And he'll be avenged," Shepard claimed. "We must keep hunting Saren. And hence... ah, that is - we've gotten new information down there. Or rather I have, and..." His voice trailed off. He did not like what he was about to ask for.

"You want me to initiate another mindmeld?" Liara concluded for him. "That's probably for the best, but now? We're not even out of armour yet."

"I know, but after what we've seen on Virmire - we need the Council's support," Shepard explained, "So I need to write a convincing report, as soon as possible, and with all available information."

"That makes sense," Liara agreed. "Very well, I'll go inform Dr Chakwas..."

Shepard held up both hands and thus stopped her from rising from her seat. "Not necessary. I... well, you surely know why I had our first mindmeld happen under her medical supervision. It was not for medical reasons; it was to create distance, sterility. To force pure professionality."

Liara nodded stiffly, obviously unhappy about that thought. Shepard continued: "But - I've come to trust you. I'll be honest: I still don't like the thought of another mindmeld. Not at all. But we have to do it, and it'll be uncomfortable with or without Dr Chakwas. And I do trust you'll be... professional about it with or without her."

"Ah... Thank you, Jonathan," Liara said surprised. "I have read up further on mindmeld techniques. If I go on like this I might soon become an authority on 'narrow band' mindmelds. If for no other reason that hardly any other asari aims at specialising in it."

Shepard chuckled lightly. "Being an expert is always useful, but sorry for making you go against your culture's convictions."

"As I've said before, it's your mind, so it's only fair that I try to respect your wishes as best as I can," Liara said. She stood up and faced the Commander. "Now shall we do it right now, get it behind you?"

"Probably for the best," Shepard agreed. "You seem kinda distracted, though."

Liara slid back into her seat. "I probably am," she conceded, "The whole mission was crazy. We saw an actual Reaper. Only a year ago I would have rejoiced at knowing for certain what caused the fall of the Protheans. Now, it looks like a horrible prospect."

"I know what you mean," Shepard said, "Intellectually I knew about what threat the Reapers presented for quite some time now. But... with the new visions, and with the talk with Sovereign - now I can also feel what is at stake. I don't know. Maybe I have squandered too much time before because I could not feel it so far."

"Don't be too hard on yourself!" Liara exclaimed surprisingly decisively, "Yes, you took away time and resources from the main mission, but always for a good purpose. Even if the Reapers invaded now, it would not change what you have achieved. We asari believe we have to appreciate any good times given to us, no matter how short - and you have ensured that quite many people who absolutely deserve it will have their lives improved, no matter how short this might last. Besides, I think you still can beat back Saren's and Sovereign's schemes."

"Yes, let's hope so," Shepard agreed. Liara unconditional approval of his actions made him glad, but he was still unsure about whether to find her arguments true, "Well, we did destroy his base now, and we have him running."

"Truth be told, after what we have observed on the planet I actually feel a little sorry for Saren now," Liara admitted.

"Don't be!" Shepard answered, "From all what I've read on him indoctrination could only have bettered his character. He always has been a murderous bastard."

"I know his reputation, but he was a Spectre," Liara argued, "I think he honestly believed everything he did was for the greater good."

"Yes. Those are the worst," Shepard answered venomously - a venom not aimed at her, but the sort of people he was talking about. "People who are so convinced of their righteousness that they have no qualms about sacrificing innocents when it suits them. A conscience can sometimes break through opportunism and greed, but through conviction? Never."

"And now his never will show up again, as it is too buried under indoctrination," Liara continued that line of thought, "He is trapped into his own body. Part of him senses his own identity being slowly swallowed up by Sovereign, but he's powerless to stop it. I wonder how he first fell under Sovereign's control. Did he think he could somehow stop the Reapers from returning? Or was he simply driven by a lust for power and glory?"

"Does it matter?" Shepard answered, "He's the enemy now. But for what it's worth, I don't think there ever was anything noble about Saren or what he did. He got exactly what he deserved."

"Yes, I suppose you're right. I should not waste pity on him," Liara conceded, "Not when there are so many others who have suffered because of him. We should instead concentrate on finding him," She stood up again. "Are you ready for the mindmeld?"

"I don't think I ever am," Shepard answered with a humourless smile, "but go ahead."

"Empty your mind," Liara instructed him."Do not think of anything, but don't let your mind wander, either. Hold every thought firmly in its place, untouched by your attention, and focus on the vision. This should help. And now - embrace eternity!"

Yet again the visions raced through Shepard minds. They had lost some of their edge since Virmire. On the planet, he had directly experienced them. Now, though, it was if he saw a more distant replay of them. However, it still was a replay of destruction, melancholia and despair. A record of an entire galaxy burning and dying with no hope.

"Incredible!" Liara exclaimed after the stream of images faded, "I... I have never seen anything so intense. I don't think you need to worry, Jonathan. The vision focused my mind entirely on it, and it alone. I need to collect myself for a bit..."

Shepard could understand that. On Virmire he had been disorientated for nearly an entire minute after having received the vision. "Did the vision make any sense to you?" he asked carefully.

"I... you're right. It was complete," Liara stated, "It was a distress call sent out across the Prothean Empire. One of their planets tried to warn the others about the Reapers, but the warning came too late. The Protheans researched something there. Something they thought would give them hope against the Reaper onslaught."

"The Conduit?" Shepard asked.

"I think it might be..." Liara agreed. Then she looked up. "Ilos! I recognize the images now! That planet is Ilos!"

"Ilos?" Shepard inquired.

"An almost legendary Prothean planet," Liara answered, "We only know about it from secondary sources - images or vids found on other Prothean sites. That's what I recognized. Its existence is verified, even its location is known, but there has never been an expedition to it. The Conduit could well be on such a planet."

"Why has there never been an expedition to it?" Shepard asked, "Where is it?"

"Within the Thirty Parsec Zone, very close to the deadly radiation of the galactic core," Liara answered, "And there is no primary Relay leading to it, only a very long chain of secondary Relays, most of them in the Thirty Parsec Zone, too. And to top it, it's in the Terminus Systems besides. Finding the right route to Ilos could well be an effort taking several months, and that in an environment where such an expedition would certainly suffer from pirates, political instability, radiation and logistical problems."

"Still, it's not like we have a choice," Shepard pointed out. "As long as it's at least remotely possible to go to there, we must do so. So, Ilos it is. But if the way to it is really that dangerous and long we need to properly equip ourselves. Our next stop must be the Citadel."

"That seems prudent," Liara agreed.

Shepard began to type on his omni-tool, causing the asari to smile. "Already starting on your report?" she asked.

"Yeah, I need to make this airtight," Shepard explained absent-minded as he walked towards the door.

"Of course, I understand," Liara said, "Saren will have his entire fleet orbiting Ilos. We'll never make it down to the surface without reinforcements, so we do need the Council to.. to... ah..."

Shepard quickly turned around. " Liara! What is it?"

The asari sat slumped down in her seat and had her face covered in her hands. "I'm sorry," she said, looking up again. "The joining was... exhausting. It always is for the initiator, but this one was especially hard. The human mind subconsciously opposes the entry. I had to actively submerge myself in your thoughts - and at the same time spend effort not to look at them. You have an especially strong mind, and an especially strong aversion to the mindmeld, so this made it even more difficult, and then the visions I saw..."

"Maybe Dr Chakwas should take a look at you?" Shepard suggested with genuine worry.

"That won't be necessary," Liara claimed, "I just need some rest."

"All right," Shepard conceded. However, at the door, he looked back again and said: "But call her if things do get worse."

"Of course, Jonathan," Liara reassured him.

Shepard nodded and continued typing as he walked through the sickbay. And he still was not even out of armour yet. He just knew his mind and body would make him pay for stressing them so, but it was necessary.

He worked on the report over the next hours. He managed to get into his cabin and change into uniform, and he took some food from the mess, but apart from that he allowed himself no rest. Saren's base was destroyed, countless bits of evidence gathered - now was the moment to deliver a coup de grâce to the turian. If only the Council would support Shepard. The Commander knew the Council, as per their usual modus operandi, would soon contact him, and he really needed to have the report ready until then. If nothing else, I owe it to Kaidan not to fuck this up.

He had been right, though - working without break after such an exhausting mission did take its toll on him. His head began to ache, and his muscles began to cramp. When he finally had the report ready and sent to the Citadel, he only wanted to rest - ideally to sleep for several days, if not weeks.

However, as could be expected, shortly afterwards he got a call from the Citadel. The Council wanted to see him in a holographic audience. Shepard sighed. He could not well complain about it, after all the Council taking him serious was what he had wanted and what he needed. Thus, he slumped towards the conference room at the designated time, and turned on the holographic terminal.

It took some further time, but eventually the holograms of the three Councillors appeared.

As usual, it was the asari Councillor who greeted him: "Commander Shepard. It was a pleasure to read that your mission on Virmire was a success."

"Saren is formidable enough without an army of krogan serving under him," the turian councillor said.

"I agree," Shepard stated, "Saren used the facility for more, though. Have you come to any conclusion about my records concerning indoctrination research and Sovereign?"

"The level of documentation of your mission is recommendable," the salarian Councillor admitted, "Unfortunately, your recording device glitched when you spoke to who you claim was the head researcher on this 'indoctrination', so we could not come to a clear conclusion about it."

That "glitch" had been inserted in editing, of course, a way to keep Shepard having the cure of the genophage a secret. Needless to say, he certainly would not report that little fact to the Council.

"As for Sovereign," the asari Councillor continued, "An artificial intelligence hostile to all organic life. This news is indeed quite alarming, Commander - if it turns out to be true."

"It's all in the records!" Shepard protested. What do they mean, if it turns out to be true? Are they blind and deaf? "My talk with Sovereign, and even if you think that's faked, Saren outright admitted to everything about the Reapers!

"He's playing you, Shepard," the turian Councillor claimed, "Saren still has contacts on the Citadel. He probably saw your earlier reports. The ones talking about your vision. And Reapers."

"Saren is a very cunning foe," the asari Councillor said, "We would not put it past him to use psychological warfare aimed directly at you as a further defence measure in his base. A very particular VI created especially for you, or making a speech about the Reapers when you encountered him - Saren has used such and other tools for decades now."

"For this reason, even though we concede there is a possibility your conclusions are correct, we think it more likely Saren is using false information to throw you off balance," the salarian Councillor continued, "Our own intelligence never turned up any corroborating information."

"Okay, I see your point," Shepard conceded, "But I'm one of your agents. I am part of your intelligence. Yet to me it seems you simply dismiss everything I say and make up quite elaborate and far fetched alternate theories to 'prove' me being wrong.

"Our decisions affect trillions of lives, Commander Shepard," the salarian Councillor justified himself, "We cannot act on the accusations of a single person, even a Spectre. Not without solid evidence. You have made a start in collecting evidence, but so far it is not enough."

"The Council cannot take any official action here," the asari Councillor explained, "That is why we created the Spectres. You have the authority to act as you see fit."

"If you truly believe Sovereign is the real threat, you must take whatever steps are necessary to stop it, and Saren," the salarian Councillor said.

"Good luck, Commander," the asari Councillor said, "From all of us."

And with that the holograms faded, leaving Shepard behind confused and increasingly angry. What more do I need to show them? Garrus had once told him about his fear that maybe the Council was still protecting Saren... but no, this could not be, not after the Council had told him where to find Saren's main base. They're simply blind as hell. Explaining this all as psychological warfare against me? Jeez, haven't they ever heard of Occam's Razor or concepts like that?

And while their blindness was enraging, what was actually worse was how Shepard was now left hanging in the air, unsure whether he could count on Council support or not. Yet he needed it, and the entire galaxy was at stake. The salarian Councillor had said that Shepard had "made a start" in collecting evidence. The Commander could only hope that he had meant that honestly, and that more evidence could in fact be gathered.

Disappointed by the conversation he left the conference room, and walked towards his cabin again.

As he entered the second deck, he found Tali sitting in the mess. He stopped, and observed her. She just sat there at the table, not even moving in the slightest, simply looking straight ahead. Her shoulders hung low, and her entire posture looked exhausted, tired. Carefully he approached her. It was unclear if she noticed him; either way she still did not move.

He laid a hand on her shoulder and spoke softly: "Hey."

It took a while until Tali answered. "Jon, I..." Her voice trailed off.

A pang of guilt hit Shepard. He should have checked up on Tali earlier. She had emotionally carried him right after the evacuation from Virmire, and then he had not been there for her, too busy with the report and dealing with the Council. One could call it the burdens of command, but Shepard still felt miserable about it now that he realized it.

"Thinking about today?" he asked quietly. "About... Kaidan?"

"It's not that it something new for me," Tali began to explain, "I have more experience with people I know dying than I'd care to. I'll be fine. Really, Jon. It's just, right now... he was with us down on Virmire. And now suddenly, he's gone, completely." Her speech became somewhat rambling. "He knew about us, did you know? Probably from the beginning. He even deduced we had talked before the assault. He really wished the best for us. And now..."

"And you bottled that all up until now?" Shepard asked.

"I had to," Tali answered, "We had the mission to wrap up, and then you needed support - and you were really the one most affected, you had to make the choice between the group at the nuke site and the group at the AA tower. There was no time for any of this."

"I'm sorry," Shepard said, only slightly above a whisper, "I should have come earlier. You provided comfort for me and I none for you. It's... I'm sorry."

"No," Tali replied, "You're the Commander. I understand you have duties. I'd have liked you to be around, but the mission is more important."

"Well, the mission can wait for now," Shepard stated. He took Tali's left hand, and lightly squeezed her right shoulder. "I'm here now. Come," he said softly, and drew the quarian upward.

He led Tali to his cabin, where he sat down exhausted on his bed. Tali wanted to seat herself on his chair, as she usually did, but instead Shepard drew her to his side and laid his arm around her. A moment later she laid her head on his shoulder.

For a long while, neither of them said a word. Shepard was content to just sit there, with Tali at his side, and let the exhaustion fall off him. However, after a while Tali spoke up: "What are we going to do now?"

"We know now where Saren is headed for," Shepard explained, "It was in the vision the beacon transmitted. We will restock supplies at the Citadel, hopefully get some reinforcements, and then make straight for there."

"Good," Tali stated, "The mission must go on." She paused. "And what about... us?"

"Well, what do you want concerning us?" Shepard asked. In the end, it was all about her. She bore the risk if they decided to go further. And moreover Shepard liked to encourage her to think more of herself.

"We said we'd try this once the mission on Virmire is over," Tali answered. "And that is what I still want." She paused, and added in a deeper voice: "Or, to be more precise, I want you."

Shepard smiled. Bold. Good. "Is that so? Well, I'm right here."

Tali hesitated. "Yes, but... I'd be lying if I told you I have no doubts anymore. I still do. After all, it's not just about me. It's also about you. Yes, I know you have said you want this, too, despite everything, and I'm probably making a fool out of myself here..."

"No," Shepard disagreed, "Nobody would be helped if you didn't speak about these doubts despite having them. So I guess I need to reassure you some times more. Or some dozen times more, if need be."

"It's just - You make me happy, Jon," Tali explained, "But I can't help but think that this happiness comes at a price. A price to be paid by you. You could simply have a much less complicated relationship." She stood up and paced in the room, agitated. "I can't help but think that this is maybe for the best, especially since I'll eventually return to the Fleet anyway. You could find happiness elsewhere, and we'd be spared the pain of separation. I wouldn't want that, but that option seems so logical to me, it just won't leave my thoughts." She came to a halt again. Her posture was somewhat awkward, and she fiddled her fingers as she often did when nervous.

Something in Shepard softened as he saw Tali standing there so unsure and nervous, and his mind was filled with tender thoughts. He really did want to reassure her. He would not just turn away from her, and he wanted her to know that. So he stood up and took her hands into his. "And what about me? Do I get to have a say in your 'logical' plans for me as well?" he asked humorously and raised an eyebrow. "I don't think I could give this up... could give you up without any 'pain of separation' as you call it. Just accept it. At least for now, you're not gonna get rid of me."

"I still feel so foolish needing those reassurances," Tali said, "but - thanks for saying them."

Shepard merely smiled, and Tali continued: "It's been such a crazy day. I hope you don't feel insulted when I say that despite our... new arrangements I'm glad it's finally over."

"No, I feel the same way," Shepard agreed. What had laid heavily on his mind the entire day came pouring out: "And I fear it ended up like it did largely because of me. Because I wanted that genophage cure, no matter that a ground assault of course would lead to casualties." It felt good actually articulating those thoughts to somebody. He felt safe sharing such matters with Tali. Which was one reason why he knew he wanted to be with her, despite all difficulties.

"No," Tali disagreed, "Not because you wanted the genophage cure. But because there needs to be one. No one but you would actually help the krogan. And I know you'd also do it for any other species, even us quarians."

"Okay, so maybe they died for some higher cause," Shepard conceded, "But it was a cause most of them didn't even know about, certainly nothing they had signed up for."

"You made a command decision," Tali stated firmly, "And it was the right one. You're always looking to right wrongs, to have the galaxy be at least a little bit more just. Don't beat yourself up about it, that's good. And not even you with all your idealism can avoid every last tragedy."

"Wish that I could," Shepard sighed.

"I know," Tali answered softly and paused. After a while she continued: "And for all my oh so wise talk here, I still sat frozen in the mess for probably well over an hour."

"I really should've come earlier...," Shepard began, but stopped when Tali gave him - he could only describe it as 'that look', despite her helmet and visor. She fixated him, with her head slightly tilted and slightly cocked upward. Knowing what it meant, he smiled slightly. "Okay I'll stop." He sighed, and any hint of amusement escaped from him. "It's just... it was a hard day."

"That it was," Tali agreed. "I don't know. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. We both should probably both take a rest a now. Thanks for listening to my ramblings." She turned to go, but Shepard held her at the wrist.

"Ah..." he began unsurely. "You're right. It has been a bad day. So, I, ah, I'd like you to stay here. Spend the night here?"

"Here?" Tali asked surprised. "But that's your cabin, the captain's quarters! I couldn't... I wouldn't want to intrude into your space."

"You're not an intrusion", Shepard answered, smiling. Never. "But it's your call."

In response Tali took a small step forward, now standing not a centimetre apart from Shepard, and embraced him, with her head coming to rest at his chest. He looked down on the qurian tenderly, and returned the embrace. In that position he led her the few steps to his bed, and let them both fall down there.

Tali made a muffled sound of amusement, and then snuggled up to Shepard again. Her body moved to match his as closely as possible. Their legs entangled. It was an odd experience for Shepard to feel the unfamiliar backward bent of Tali's lower legs, but also a very pleasant experience. He held her tightly in her arms and looked at her body close to his. When she looked back her face was of course obscured by the visor, but he could still make out her eyes, and they locked with his.

Shepard breathed out and emptied his mind. He was still unsure where to go with this. Holding Tali made the restrictions of any kind of relationship quite obvious. He could not feel her skin or her body warmth, let alone kiss her. And yet - at least for now he was content. Matters between the two had been cleared for good, and they could finally find some peace away from missions and combat and death, or away from the many great and small injustices of the galaxy.

The Commander wondered what went through Tali's head. He did want all the best in the galaxy for her. Life had not been fair to her and her people. Not to him, either, but still - if he could give Tali some happiness, he would do everything in order to do so. With that in mind, he kept her as close to him as he could. It was bad enough that she could not truly feel any touch except pressure through her suit; at least then Shepard wanted what she did feel to be as positive an experience for her as possible.

However, even that was just a strong but nonetheless vague and undirected sentiment in his head. He was too content for complex thoughts. After a while, he felt how Tali's body had completely lost any tension, and he saw that her eyes were closed. Smiling softly, he tenderly stroke her back before peacefully drifting into a sleep a little while later.

000000

Tali subconsciously fought against the awakening. She felt heavy and comfortable and far removed from all the sorrows in the world. She would have liked to remain in this comfortable state of semi-awareness.

She moved a little, and found her head lying on Shepard's chest. Immediately, worry raced through her, and she became fully awake. She hoped Shepard was still okay with her being here, and even though that sounded slightly silly even to herself she seriously hoped her helmet had not bruised the Commander.

Stupid girl. Self-doubts again?

She sighed and raised her head from Shepard, looking at him. He was still soundly asleep. Softly, her finger stroke idly up his chest. To the galaxy he was the Hero of Elysium and of Eden Prime, the first human Spectre or, if one were to ask an average human right now, probably a damnable traitor, due to that business with Chairman Burns - but there was so much more to him, she knew. He was a man with weaknesses, like everybody else, but she knew he always wanted the best. She knew he wanted the best in particular for her, and she had come to trust him completely.

She realized that if he were a quarian she would trust him enough to have their envirosuits synced. And she knew what this thought entailed. Her hands idly stroke further over Shepard's body. He was handsome in a rugged way, and she wondered what his thoroughly trained body could do besides just holding her. So far, she never had focused any erotic thoughts she had on a single person; that would have been useless. But with Shepard, that was something different.

Unfortunately, that was the issue where their relationship would be complicated to say at least. And yet, Shepard had flat out refused to consider any alternatives. Probably for the same reason I wouldn't, either, despite the fact that I'll eventually have to return to the Flotilla. If Shepard asked her, she would end this. But not under any other circumstances.

The thought that this was a mutual feeling filled her with a simple but strong happiness and gave her hope that any complications could be overcome. Watching the Commander from head to toe with a grin, she sure hoped that they could be overcome. Truth be told, Tali had already looked up on the extranet about quarians and interspecies relations, but never systematically, only as a way of idly daydreaming about what could be. Now, she would have to put more effort into it, but that was not a problem: She had plenty of motivation.

Shepard's eyes opened.

"Hm..." he grunted sleepily.

Despite her foolish insecurities, Tali instinctively smiled. It was a pity he could not see it. She held her upper body upright and looked him. "Hello," she whispered.

Shepard grinned, but still did not move. "Now that's a nice way to wake up," he murmured in response.

Tali was glad, but did not know quite what to say. Eventually she began: "I..."

"You talk too much," Shepard mock-protested sleepily and in a quick move pulled her down onto him. "Better," he commented.

This is better indeed. Neither side spoke for a while. However, after a while, Tali broke the content silence: "You know we have to get up eventually, don't you?" Not that she really wanted to, but she knew that if she lay in bed the entire day she would end up with an unbearably bad conscience.

"You took part in the mission yesterday," Shepard pointed out. "You have a right to at least one day rest. Me, too."

"I know," Tali answered, "But it just wouldn't feel right. Besides, a bit of normality might be a good idea."

"Ah, I understand," Shepard replied. "Yes, maybe. But I think someday you'll have to learn to just relax and not work on anything."

"Then you'll have to teach me," Tali said, "And we'll have to stage many more attempts like this one."

Shepard grinned. "That could be arranged."

"And maybe you even could teach me more then," Tali suggested light-heartedly.

"And what exactly do you have in mind?" Shepard asked.

Tali pushed her upper body up from Shepard's. Again, their eyes locked as much as Tali's visor allowed for. Looking right at his, Tali wanted nothing more than to get rid of her helmet and kiss him. At the least. After a while, she sighed frustrated.

"Nothing this suit would allow," she said depressed, almost growled. She would need to start looking how to get rid of it at least for a while as soon as possible.

Shepard moved under her and looked somewhat puzzled. "So does that mean..."

Tali did not know what he was about to ask, but she cut him off nonetheless: "I do want more, Jon. I just need to find out... how."

"Good," Shepard answered, "I want that, too." And humorously: "If the suit is a problem I guess we need to get you out of it." Heat shot into Tali's face. However, while maybe she would not have expressed it that directly, in the end that was what she wanted, too. "Which means I'll need to wait a while, but I think that should be possible."

"Patience is a virtue," Tali mocked.

"I'm sure it'll be worth it," Shepard stated, almost whispered. "So wait I will."

Tali slumped back onto Shepard, eliciting a suppressed "Oomph" from him. "I hate having to have that virtue," she stated.

…...

It had taken some time, but eventually, slowly, Tali had raised from Shepard's bed, and had left his cabin. Thinking about it still caused her to smile, but nonetheless there had been an odd transformation as soon as she had walked through the door. Spending the night in Shepard's cabin had made everything seem possible for the future, but as soon as she had left, reality had her in its clutches again, and again she began to think of Kaidan and what had happened the day before on Virmire.

Maybe a regular work shift in Engineering would help her getting used to normal reality again.

She walked out of the elevator leading to the cargo bay. The surviving salarians of the STG regiment had set up a sort of camp in one corner of it. She disregarded them, wanting to go to Engineering quickly. However, she had not even taken three steps when she basically stumbled over Ashley. Or the Gunnery Chief over her, nearly knocking her down in the process. It seems both had been very much absorbed in their thoughts.

"Ah sorry Tali, didn't see you there," Ashley apologized.

"It's okay I should have paid more attention, too," Tali answered, "What are you doing here, shouldn't you still rest?"

"Says the quarian lady who is surely on her way to her post in Engineering right now?" Ashley commented.

"It seems you caught me," Tali admitted humorously. "But I'd feel bad if I were doing nothing at all."

"Same here," Ashley agreed, "After what happened yesterday - I feel I must do everything to contribute to the mission." And quieter: "Especially after Kaidan's death. I have to be worth of it."

Tali knew what the human meant, but was surprised she would tell her. It was almost like on the Flotilla, where almost every topic could be discussed among shipmates. Hence, she answered in the same way: "How are you coping with the situation?" And realizing that she was not actually on the Flotilla, but talking to a human who might have very different social norms she added hastily: "I mean... if I may ask."

"It's all right," Ashley stated, "But I can't say I'm much better. We've lost two thirds of our ground detachment, four marines, Kaidan among them, and it's all my fault."

"Jon blames himself, too," Tali told her, "I don't think either of you is correct. It's just four more deaths at the hands of the geth. And the geth are just like that: Killers." That was basically a law of nature to her.

"Yeah, I've seen that on Eden Prime," Ashley agreed, "And already there I failed my team! I thought I could become better but instead we let the geth pin us down at the AA towers like idiots, so the skipper had to come in and save us. That is what cost Kaidan his life."

"And geth numerical superiority had nothing to do with it?" Tali asked. Maybe the sarcasm was uncalled for, but it just seemed so obvious to Tali that the geth were in fact to blame. Besides, it was not like Ashley was the only one mourning Kaidan's death.

"Hah. I don't think Jonathan would have told it so bluntly to me," Ashley said, "Yes the geth had more troops. But I don't want to use that as an excuse. After Eden Prime and Virmire I'm not even sure if I should be entrusted with a team under my command anymore."

"And yet, from what I've heard, you took over command over the salarians on the fly when Kirrahe fell, and managed to lead most of them to safety," Tali disagreed, "And Garrus, too. I don't think even Jon could have done much better in the situation."

"He found a way to blow the base up and yet still find... ah. You know," Ashley replied, "He probably would have found a way out of there, too."

Tali continued as if Ashley had said nothing at all: "And besides, I don't think having so many self-doubts will help the mission."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Ashley admitted, "It's refreshing to hear such a honest dose of 'shape the hell up, soldier'."

"I didn't say..." Tali began to protest.

"But you meant it," Ashley interrupted her. "And it's true. We're soldiers. All of us. Everyone of us is expendable. You, me, Kaidan, Jon. However... It's funny. I don't fear dying for the Alliance. But when I think of somebody dying for me - "

Now Tali interrupted the human: "Kaidan didn't." Maybe 'blunt' really is the best approach here.

"What?" Ashley asked surprised.

"Kaidan died for the mission," Tali explained her stance, "Any of us could have. Jon tried to rescue as many people as possible. He didn't so much specifically rescue you, but rather the larger group consisting of you, Private Ramirez, Garrus and the surviving salarians."

"I know that!" Ashley protested, "But the consequence is still the same. I get to live while Kaidan didn't."

"The universe isn't a fair place," Tali stated. Which still was a pillar of her world view, even if it had softened up during her time with Shepard. He maybe would not have formulated things as she did, but she thought better this way. "We can try to make it better, but... it doesn't always work. Jon always tries, but even he has suffered deaths under his command before."

"The Blitz, right?" Ashley inquired, "Do you know how he has dealt with it?"

"I think he just went on," Tali explained, "He had a job to do and he had people to defend, and you know how he can be in such a situation." The time after the Blitz was not so good for him, though. Shepard had told her how he had nearly fallen into an emotional pit afterward, and had still been crawling out of it when he had first met Sarah Schäfer. However, telling Ashley that would just not do. "He dealt with it afterwards. He put the mission first, and then mourned the losses. It must have worked for him, somehow."

"Yeah. We still got a job to do," Ashley agreed, "We'll mourn Kaidan by making his sacrifice worth it. If we can."

"Do you doubt we'll catch Saren?" Tali asked. She was a bit surprised. So far, few people on the ship had appeared as decisive and determined to her as the Gunnery Chief.

"No. That turian bastard will be going down," Ashley stated, "But he's not the entire story anymore. Now we also have fleets of giant AI dreadnoughts who have exterminated all life dozens of times over. The odds are definitely stacked against us."

"I don't think odds matter with all life in the galaxy at stake," Tali commented, "We're going to fight them."

"You will," Ashley disagreed, "You'll be a real asset to every ship you'll serve on as engineer. However, I'm infantry. Against the Reapers, my rifle may as well fire spitballs. I won't have a place in this war. That's what pisses me off: Not being able to shoot back."

"If what Sovereign has said is true, then even our ship cannons may as well fire spitballs," Tali said, "That won't be the solution anyway."

"I fail to see how that thought is supposed to cheer me up," Ashley commented darkly.

"What we need is people to disrupt the Reapers' plans," Tali explained, "Like Saren's activities. And that's what we're currently doing. We'll stop him."

"Damn straight we will," Ashley agreed, "So I better get back to work." She hesitated slightly and added quietly: "Ah, and hey, Tali. Thanks for listening to my crap."

"That's what shipmates are for," Tali said, and turned to go down to Engineering.

On her station she began to read up about what damages the mission had caused to the Normandy. Surprisingly, most of it was superficial. The ship had come into knife fight distances with the geth, and that had been what had prevented it from intervening again in the fight on the ground until it was too late and it was needed for evacuation - but it had been a fight neither side had been interested in. The geth ships simply had wanted to push through to the planet and the Normandy had wanted to get away as quickly as possible. Thus it had been a short, non-intensive battle. There was some damage to the ship armour due to the geth equivalent of GARDIAN lasers, but nowhere did they go all the way through the armour. All in all the space worthiness of the Normandy was not even in doubt at all, and the ship could even still be safely deployed in battle.

She then looked up the data on the drive core in particular. The hasty flight from Virmire had caused it to build up some energy imbalances. Nothing major, but certainly something to work on. Which of course Engineering already had begun. She herself did not get to join in that: As soon as Adams saw her, he tasked her with helping the bridge with some problems with their electronics. Tali suspected that the Chief Engineer's real reason was to assure that she would do light work. Ideally he would have liked to see her rest, but he knew he could not convince her to, so he did the next best thing. Nonetheless, she of course followed his orders.

When she arrived on the bridge, Joker pointed towards the console that was acting up. He seemed very unenthusiastic and did not even try one of his usual bad jokes.

After she had worked on the console for a while he remarked sadly: "It just won't be the same without Kaidan."

Tali stopped her work in mid-movement. "No", she agreed, "it won't."

"You were there when... when it happened," Joker said, "Can't have been easy"

Tali turned around to face Joker. "We were too busy with fighting to think of anything down there" she answered, "I don't think it's harder on us than it is on you."

"Maybe," Joker conceded, "But damn, due to Shepard we know what Kaidan's life was like, and then he ends up as nuclear dust... ah, crap. Sorry, I didn't mean - it's just so damn frustrating."

"Saren is still out there," Tali pointed out, "We'll need you if we're going to make him pay. Are you... holding up?"

"Don't worry, Tali," Joker reassured here, "I want to be there when Shepard makes that son of a bitch pay. I won't let the ship down. I'll be okay. I just need some time." He paused. "It must've been hard on Shepard, though. Choosing between Williams and Alenko must have... ah... I don't know if I could have done it."

"He's hit rather hard, but he deals with it by focusing on the mission," Tali said. "He had to make a choice. A choice that would have killed people either way. I just hope I won't ever have to do such a choice, or he again."

"No, I'm not blaming him," Joker protested, "I just imagine it can't be easy for him. So, hey, keep an eye out on him, will you?"

"I will," Tali agreed. I most certainly will.

"I think it's good the Commander has..." Joker began, "...has some... ah, crap, forget I said anything."

Her and Shepard's relation must have been the worst kept secret aboard the ship. Not that it was much of even a theoretical secret anymore now that she had disappeared for a night shift and reappeared again afterwards. Surely everybody could draw the conclusions. "No snide remarks from you?" she commented humorously, Might as well go in the offensive"That's something new."

"No," Joker protested, "I think it's good. You and the Commander deserve some comfort and, ah... I better stop now. I'm not good at saying this kinda stuff."

"Nonetheless, thanks," Tali said.

There was some awkward silence before Tali returned to her work. However, shortly afterwards she stopped again when a voice message came in, which was played aloud on the bridge. It was Ambassador Udina.

"Good," the Ambassador said. Tali turned around and looked at Joker, who grinned at her. He must have intentionally put the call onto the bridge's loudspeakers. Probably to make what Udina says public. "Though I'm surprised the ship still receives calls from the Alliance at all."

"It's a burden we put up with," Joker quipped.

"Careful, Flight Lieutenant Moreau. Shepard may put up with you, and he may afford you some protection, but you're still Alliance Navy," Udina threatened, "Even if it doesn't show often."

"Right, sir," Joker confirmed, "What can we do for you?"

"It seems the Council is finally active with more than just harassing us," Udina explained bitterly, "They seem to take Saren serious now. So they're assembling a joint-species fleet to deal with him and the geth."

"Reinforcements?" Joker asked, unbelieving.

Disregarding the remark Udina went on: "You're to report at the Citadel as part of these efforts and for a debriefing. And I hope Shepard can follow at least this simple order." And with that the call ended.

"The Commander gotta hear that!" Joker exclaimed enthusiastically.

A while later Shepard's voice came through the loudspeakers: "We'll be there. I want the Normandy at the head of that fleet!"

"Yes, sir!" Joker confirmed, "Next stop: The Citadel." He grinned.

"Aren't we going there anyway?" Tali asked humorously.

"Hey now," Joker protested, "don't ruin the mood."

"It would certainly be nice to have some more ships than just us shooting at the geth," Tali commented.

"Yeah," Joker agreed. "Next stop after the Citadel: Kicking Saren's ass!"