Heart Skipped a Beat
3.
"It's not your fault.
It's my own fault.
I'm not human at all;
I have no heart."
"Let's try this again, shall we?" Dean said uneasily as he entered Cas' room again, he held his bruised and usually bloodied hand out for the angel and he sighed impatiently, "My name is Dean Winchester, you don't remember me now but we used to be good friends."
Or so I thought until you abandoned me for the second time.
The hunter shook his head shaking the stray thought away; he smiled slightly when Cas gingerly took his hand and shook it limply. "It's a pleasure to meet you Dean, I apologize for my inability to remember you and for the way I acted earlier."
Cas turned his head to the taller man standing in the doorway. "And who might you be?"
Sam strutted into the room and thrust his hand out eagerly, "I'm Dean's brother Sam, and while I didn't have the same profound bond you and Dean had, we were friends as well."
Castiel tilted his head, swallowing the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. The words profound bond nagged at him, but he couldn't place the words meanings with the faces before him.
"Well hello Sam, I hope in time I will remember you both."
"Yeah, me too" Dean said shrugging his shoulders awkwardly. He wasn't used to Cas being so reserved and formal. Nerdy and aloof sure - not like this exactly, it only emphasized the fact that the old Cas was lost somewhere while this impostor pranced around in his body. It hurt the Dean's head trying to wrap his mind around it, Cas in Jimmy's body, and now angel Cas in human Cas' body - or something along the lines of that.
"If you don't mind me asking, why is it that you insist on calling me Cas?" Castiel motioned for the brothers to sit. Sam took this lead and leant up against the window sill while Dean continued to stubbornly stand.
"Castiel," Sam corrected, "Cas for short."
"But why?"
Dean snorted, "Because it's your name."
The older hunter rounded the corner of the bed and looked Cas dead in the eyes, without thinking he began to ramble, "Your an angel of the lord Cas, you were sent to earth to take care of us and now you've fallen from grace and can't remember fuck all," he took a breath to steady himself. "We adverted the Apocalypse together once before, you were in this vessel who belonged to a man named Jimmy Novak, but this is your body now and your name is Cas."
"And way to drop a bombshell," Sam muttered to himself, shaking his head disapprovingly.
Cas frowned deeply and crossed his arms across his chest. "For some reason my personal records are incomplete, so when I wake up unable to recall my own identity I find out that all my immediate family is dead and that I was accused for their murder." He paused for his words to get through, "And on top of that you two strangers come in and make a complete mockery of my situation."
"Cas it isn't like that, I swear-"
"Look, apparently you two are the only people who have any clue of who I was before, the least you could do is try to help me out."
Sam nodded profusely in agreement, his eyes sad in understanding. "Look I'll explain what actually happened." He mentally started preparing himself to bullshit something that made sense.
"After the incident involving your wife and daughter, you were naturally the biggest suspect in the matter and you left - unable to cope with the loss and the pressing charges. You left your old life of being Jimmy Novak, and went by the name Castiel when you met us. Since me and Dean traveled a lot as part of our job, you tagged along and we all became good friends."
Sam bit his lip, rerunning his entire spiel back in his mind to see if it made sense. He was able to mix the truth with only a few lies but the apprehensive look on Cas' face told him the angel wasn't completely sold.
"You disappeared a couple of months ago," Dean added to the story, "I tried calling you, we both tried to find you but you didn't want to be found. It was a complete coincidence that we found you on the side of the road the way we did, we don't even know how you ended up there."
Cas' eyelids fluttered shut, the overwhelming amount of information bogging him down emotionally.
"You forgot one thing," He murmured, his adams apple bobbing as he tried to swallow. "DidI murder my family?" His voice was full of conviction, desperate for an answer no matter how gruesome the truth might be.
"No," Dean assured him his eyes twinkling sadly.
"As far as we're concerned, Jimmy Novak died on that day too," Sammy said honestly.
The three men stared at each other not sure what else to say.
"Only direct family be allowed in the room with the patient during tests," Daisy explained solemnly, jotting something down on her clipboard. "Mother, brother, partner..." She listed off, flipping back and forth through the pages describing Castiel's specific case.
"I be only following procedures, you must understand boys, patient confidentiality and what not." Daisy finally looked up meeting Castiel's frightened eyes, her own expression softened immediately.
Cas fiddled with his thumbs in his lap, a deep set frown lingering on his face. "I don't want to do it alone," he whispered low enough so that no one would hear his gaze fell to his lap.
Dean hardly heard the sentence in its entirety, but he read the unspoken words on the angels lips and his resolve slowly began to reel. Dean knew what he had to do; and although it wasn't exactly how he wanted things to play out he had to take one for the team and he knew it.
"I'll go with him." Dean blurted out before he could think things over too rationally.
"You family?" Daisy asked skeptically, her bright eyes flickering between Castiel and Dean's face repeatedly.
Dean blew out a gust of air and closed his eyes in defeat. "Yeah, we're together." He gritted out weakly, his wide fake smile flattering slightly by the intense look of confusion Cas and the nurse gave him.
"Together?" Daisy tried the word out for herself, her voice laced with disbelief. "You two be boyfriends or husbands or what have you?"
The hunter scratched his cheek in embarrassment, a million thoughts of how out of control this little white lie could take him. But Dean briefly glanced sideways and saw the lost look in Castiel's blue eyes, and even though Dean was a bonafide asshole he would do whatever it took it get the former angel back.
"Call it whatever you like, we don't have a label." Dean said sternly, keeping his head high and his voice level.
He waited for Daisy to call them out, for the look of fright and dread to overtake Castiel's face once again - but it never came.
Daisy pursed her lips in thought; she turned to Castiel ready to help him out of bed before gently sighing, "Is this true, Jimmy boy?"
Dean didn't know whose face looked more hopeful.
Cas blinked once before he meekly breathed, "I think so."
Those three words threatened to drive Dean out of the room and knock him flat on his ass. He stood his ground ignoring the smothering look Daisy gave the hunter and the angel. Dean cleared his throat, "Let's get this over with already."
Castiel lips tugged upwards in a hint of a smile, and he turned to walk away trembling slightly as he went.
Sam caught the crowd just about to leave Castiel's private recovery room. "Hey, what's the emergency?" he asked, hurrying to follow behind the group and falling into step.
"CT scan" Daisy explained pointing to her temple, "Make sure that Jimmy boys brain is a-OK."
Sam noticed how Castiel visibly flinched, and he let a simple "Oh" out in response. Sam wasn't a professional or anything but he understood how uncomfortable a CT scan could be, with the dye in the bloodstream and the painkillers.
They neared a different wing in the hospital where Doctor Trenton stood waiting at the automatic opening glass doors. Sam never took a liking to the Doctor, he was all charm and cliché and not nearly reliable as Daisy was.
"Only direct family is allowed past this point, I'm afraid," said the Doctor, his rugged face pulled into a carefree smile.
Daisy nodded knowingly and whispered something into the Doctors ear, his smile only grew bigger and he chuckled. "Alright, in you go boys" He said, ushering Castiel and Dean in through the doors. His hand shot out just before Sam could make it inside, "Sorry champ, only family is permitted in during tests such as these, I'm sure you understand."
Sam crinkled his nose in confusion, "But I'm his brother" he uttered in defence, pointing at Dean.
"That's swell sport, but only direct ties to the patient may enter" The Doctor patiently explained. "Since your brother is the patient's significant other he is technically allowed in. I apologize for the inconvenience but you can feel free to wait outside here."
"Significant other?" Sam rambled, his mouth hanging agape. "What the hell ar-"
"You may watch through the glass of the doors, but I'm afraid you won't hear the diagnosis unless the patient tells it to you directly." The Doctor interrupted his smile running thin, "Now if you excuse me I have a brain to x-ray."
Sam made a face as the Doctor left, the door locking in place behind him. Sam pressed his face as close to the glass as he could, his hands and cheeks leaving imprints on the translucent surface.
From his spot against the glass he watched the scene in front of him play out like a silent film.
Castiel's body lay motionless on the plastic surface on the CT scanner table; he looked deathly still except for the slow rise and fall of his hospital gown as he breathed. The Doctor talked animatedly about something or another, pointing to various screens around the room as the nurse pushed buttons here and there on instruction.
Dean, who was off to one side of the machine kept interrupting the Doctor with a snarky look on his face. Sam couldn't help but grin when Castiel lolled his head to the left to look at Dean. The two stared at each other silently as the nurse and Doctor bustled around the room preparing the test.
The Doctor gave some sort of signal to the nurse and Castiel flinched on the table, looking desperately at Dean. The angels hand ghosted across the table and reached out weakly for the hunter. Sam kept his eyes glued on the hovering hand, he watched in admiration when Dean took a defiant step closer and clasped the hand in his own.
Dean held the gesture, looking like he was ready to arm wrestle with Cas in the way there hands met but he dropped his grip, letting Cas' hand fall back to his side.
Castiel turned his head straight and let it fall backward a little; his eyes went wide as the strip of thin light danced across his face and down his throat as his body was eaten up by the hum of the scanner.
The Doctor and Nurse laughed while waiting for the scan to be finished but Dean just frowned and let his clenched fists fall in a tight ball by his thighs. He didn't utter a single word until Cas was off the table and back onto two feet again.
"Are we done now?" Dean grumbled walking out of the doors, making fleeting eye contact with Sam.
"Hey since when did you and Cas go by significant other?" Sam laughed, narrowly avoiding the punch Dean half-heatedly threw in his direction.
"I'll explain everything later, I swear" Dean gritted out, despite the lopsided smile stretched out across his cheeks.
"It's just one little white lie." Dean said defensively, pacing back and forth in the hospital waiting room, right back where they had started from.
"Not if he believes it!" Sam said trying to be the voice of reason, "How is he ever going to remember the truth if we keep spitting lies at him?" Sam objected, thumbing through a sports magazine in the same chair he sat in the first night they had spent at the hospital.
Dean shivered and brushed off the notion of deja vu, "He'll be fine."
"I'm convinced he'd be better off without us" Sam said, his voice soft. "This is probably the only chance he will ever have at a human life and we're taking that away from him.." he cleared his throat trailing off.
"Were doing him a favour Sammy," Dean argued eyeing the dwindling number of people waiting patiently opposite the brothers. "I'm helping him get his old life back."
"Don't you think he deserves something more than that?" Sam mused to himself.
"Look we're just picking him up off his feet, this is the first time Cas has been this weak okay?" Dean snapped, only lowering his voice when the other nurses started looking over. "Once he's better if he feels like running off and playing human, we'll then he can be my guest."
When Dean noticed Sam rolling his eyes, the older hunter huffed out beneath his breath, "I'm a real boy!"
"Just remember what I said jerk."
"Bitch."
"All be well boys, Jimmy boy is being discharged tonight" Daisy interrupted waltzing over to where the brothers sat. "His tests show that nothing be terribly wrong, and other than the post traumatic amnesia and his dissociate state he be free to go." Daisy beamed happily.
"That's great news." Sam was the first to say, beating Dean to the punch line.
"Yes, but if his memory loss persists or anything happens we encourage you boys to call us immediately" Daisy became serious, "And Jimmy should have regular checkups and appointments until his amnesia clears up."
The Winchesters exchanged a look.
Suddenly the Doctor entered the room with Cas following closely behind. After discussing paperwork and a bunch on other medical jargon that was lost on Deans ear the Doctor finally laughed obnoxiously before gesturing for Cas to join the brothers.
"You take care of him now," The Doctor said playfully, stroking his eight o' clock shadow.
"We'll take it from here," Sam said easily, patting Cas gently on the back.
"Promise?" Daisy piped in.
"We'll do our best" Dean grumbled, making eye contact with the angel before speaking again. "I'll try, but no promises."