Part four : « I've heard that you like the bad boys, honey, is that true ? »
And it was all finished again. They weren't speakin to each other again. Remus seemed more tired than he has ever been. Sirius was more charming than before, kissing one new girl every night, laughing hard and acting like his life hadn't changed. Especially when Remus was around. He acted as if he had to be loud to prove that he still existed, to show Remus he couldn't live without noticing him, and maybe also to prove himself he could still be the same without Remus, that he was still fully alive. During those days, he had all the girls he wanted, from Ravenclaw to Hufflepuff, and now even from Gryffindor. He did not try Slytherin one's, that was really too much to ask. Well, he was desperated right, but not enough to go against all his values. On the opposite, Remus was slowly becoming a ghost. He looked as if he was just a pale shadow of what he used to be, no more laughing, no more talking. He was only studying, harder than before, as if it was the only way to not feel the pain of the loneliness that had surrounded him. The library became his second home, right after the shrieking shrank. Talking about it, it was harder than ever to wake up from his transformation without his friends by his side. He felt like a monster, really. The thoughts he had forgotten with them came back, and wouldn't leave. He had chosen it, right, but he wasn't fully aware of what it would implied. He hadn't thought being alone again would be so hard. He slowly began to stop eating, becoming slimmer and slimmer. His hair weren't shiny anymore, his eyes looked sadder than ever. His skin had this grety-ish tone and rings under his eyes. He was tired, tired of everything. His life, his constant need of autodestruction, of Sirius' constant attempt to have his attention. Why couldn't he just stop ? It was already so difficult. But why ? Why couldn't Remus just accept the fact he had fallen in love with Sirius, what was he so afraid of ? He was the monster, not Sirius. He was the evil guy who loses his mind during fool moon and could eventually kill his best friend without knowing it. Sirius was the opposite. He was the one who made him laugh when he was sad, the one that suggested they become animagi to spend the fool moon with him. He was just Sirius, after all. So he could stop trying to get Remus' attention, he always had it. Remus did not cry no more. He started trying to move on, to forget what his heart was telling him. He would have had run away if he could have. Seeing Sirius with all these girls was so painful, but it was all his fault. Remus would have liked to stop himself from thinking of him, but he couldn't. Sirius had been everything, or almost everything, and now he didn't have him anymore, he finally get it. Sirius did see the changes that came from Remus, he saw that he began to loose weight, too much, too fast. But he did nothing. Remus had made clear they had nothing to do together. So he went on kissing all these girls, he went on living, despising hisself. Poor girls, they had nothing to do with all the story, but if he was to suffer, others had to suffer too. Moreover, he still secretely wished that one girl would make him change his mind, would make him noticed he was wrong. That he wasn't in love with Remus. That he love girls. That he could have his best friend back and make everything go back to normal. He missed before. But before was over, and now was just to much too bear. He hoped that tomorrow would be kinder, but he knew inside of him that it wouldn't be if Remus wasn't with him, even though he refused to admit it. He had to talk to him, before it was too late, before Remus really become a ghost. He hated seeing him being this old shade of what he was, all the joy seemed to have vanished from his eyes, from his heart. If Sirius seemed heartless, Remus was a kind of zombie. Both were some people damaged by love. But both were fautive. They just wouldn't admit it. Lying to hisself was really powerful, after all. They just saw what they wanted, trying hard no to pay attention to the others things. They were really bad though, this lying game was not their stuff. One night, as they came back from the Great Hall, Sirius saw Remus in the hallway. He began to overact, making James & Peter suddendly wonder what happened to him, but then, they saw Remus and understood. Remus, on nerves, turned back and started to shout at him.
« STOP ! JUST STOP ACTING LIKE THIS, OKAY ? I KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE, I KNOW IT. JUST LET ME BE ON MY OWN, I DON'T WANT TO BE NEAR YOU ANYMORE, THAT'S ALL. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST UNDERSTAND IT ? ».
James and Peter quickly decided to let the two of them and hurried to the Common Room. Sirius began to feel nervous. « So it was really over, he had no chance to get him back ? », he thought. What was he supposed to do now ? He couldn't just let Remus go. So he also began to shout : « WHAT TELLS YOU I ACT LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF YOU ? IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED, I'M JUST THE SAME PERSON AS I WAS BEFORE. ».
It was lame, he knew it, but that was all that came outside his lips. A disgusted look appeared on Remus' face.
« Oh please, don't play that game with me. I noticed you acted like this when I was there, so don't tell me you haven't changed anything. », he said with a despising tone.
« And I tell you you're wrong, ok ? I think I know myself better than you do. It even seems you don't even know me at all. Maybe you're the liar, maybe you didn't play fair with us all these years ? », told Sirius, coldly.
Tears began to fill Remus' eyes. He stammered, « I.. I.. I am the one who didn't play fair ? How can.. can you even tell this ? You.. You know all my secrets, even the big one, the one which could have ruined my life because I told you. And I am the liar here ? » .
Then Sirius did the thing he would regret for a long time. « Are you talking about you being a werewolf, Rem' ? ».
He knew that many people were watching, or that many could hear them. He knew it, and he did it. He just spitted it out like he could have talked about the last potion essay. He didn't even recognize hisself as he did it, it was like he watched the whole thing from over there. Remus face became paler than before, he opened his mouth as to tell something to Sirius, then quickly closed it, turned his back to Sirius, and walked out here, trying to stay calm. What was he going to do now ? What ? All he could think about was « Oh, my dear Sirius, how I wish I could hate you. ».