Part five : « Hearts can be very difficult to understand. Hearts aren't like books. They don't have unchanging words, set to page permanently. Hearts change. Hearts learn. »
Remus went out, in the parc. He started running, he didn't know where. He finally sat down somewhere, and putting his head on his knees, started to sob. And eventually to shout. Then, he tried to fall asleep. Outside, because there was no way he went back to the castle, no way he comfront the other students. It was all too much for him. At the same time, Sirius was being shouted at by James. For being such an asshole.
« WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, MATE ? DID YOU JUST COMPLETELY LOSE YOUR MIND ? », shouted James. He was so angry with Sirius, he had just done something too much. « I could understand « you two not talking to each other anymore » thing. I tried to do with the whole « I try to make him remember I'm alive by kissing everyone I can think of so that he becomes really jealous and finally comes back to me » thing. But THIS ? DID YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU JUST DID ? »
Of course, Remus did understand what it implied. Surely, Remus would be expelled, and it was all his fault. He would never see him again. He had just ruined his life, and Remus'. Just because he was a complete jerk in need of love. He took his head in his hands, whispering « What did I do ? Why did I do this ? », but he knew he was too late. And now, he could be sure that Remus would never talk to him again. He would never have the chance to explain. James was still shouting, more for himself than for everything else, but in a certain manner, it felt good to learn how egoistic he really was from his closest friend.
« Can you tell me why you didn't just tell him you love him ? Why this ? You could have tell him everything, from the whole « My life's not the same without you » thing to the « I can't live without you », and then kiss him. But no, all you could think of was « why not telling his biggest secret in front of everyone to be sure he won't ever speak to me again ? ». I can't understand, Siri. I just can't. », and he closed the curtains from his bed, letting Sirius alone with his thoughts. So James did noticed he loved Remus. Why didn't he tell him ? He could have helped him get Remus back ! He closed his eyes. Of course, James had thought HE would tell him. But Sirius was just so completely focused on his own little person, he didn't even thought about this idea. He went downstairs, to the common room, then in the school hallways. How could Remus forgive him ? He couldn't. If he was Remus, he wouldn't forgive him. He was crying too, now. He was such a fucking idiot. Remus was heading back to the common room, hopping he wouldn't find anyone on his way. All he could think about now was how much he would have loved to hate Sirius now, now that he had a real reason to do it. But he just couldn't. He still wanted to get him back, to kiss him anytime he wanted to, he was just too much in love. When he ran down into someone, he shyly put up his head. Then saw Sirius. And started to turn around. Even though he wanted him so badly, he couldn't just fall like this into his arms. He stopped, and closed his eyes when Sirus started to talk.
« Hey Rem', look, I'm sorry. I know, it's nothing, I know it can't make up for what I've done to you, but I had to tell you this. You know, I realized what an idiot I was, for not telling you calmly the real reasons that made me act like that. But I think you know them, right? » He laughed sadly. « I'm sorry for ruinig everything, your life, mine, our friendship. I'm sorry I have revealed your secret in front of everyone. I'm sorry you had to support me playing with all these girls around you. I'm sorry you had to stop eating. Shh, don't talk. If you talk, I'll lose what I am to say. Yeah, I noticed you stopped eating. You're not what you were anymore, you're a ghost. You don't smile anymore. You don't laugh anymore. And you even don't eat. I'm sorry I caused all this. I wish I hadn't ruined it when James brought us together again. I even wish I hadn't kissed you, because it means we would still be friend. And it means that I could still see you laughing and everything, even though it would feel hard not to want to kiss you. Even now, that's all I can think about. The way your lips move when you speak, the taste they had, and how it felt when they were pressed against mine. I'm not hoping you would forgive me. I just want you to know I'm sorry. And I heard what you told me before, in the evening. I let you go. But please, start living again. If you can't do it for me, at least do it for James. You're still his friend, even though you're avoiding him. You deserve to spend time with him more than I do, you know. I am the evil one here, not you. You are wonderful, don't forget it. I love you, Rem. And I'll do it for long, even though I don't expect anything from this anymore. » Then, he turned away, went back to the dormitary, and tried to fall asleep. Remus did not move until Sirius was gone. At least, Sirius had faced his feelings. He had told him everything. Remus couldn't do the same. It was too soon. He headed down to the dormitary too, and turned and turned in his bed without falling asleep.