Part six : « Damn my situation and the games I have to play With all the things caught in my mind »
Sometimes, you do things you don't even know why. You make your whole world fall apart and you're almost persuated that it was meant to be like this. Of course, you always think of what would have been if you had acted differently, but most of the time, you just deal with it, because we can get used to everything. That's the power time has on us, it can heal almost everything. And almost everytime we don't even see the scars. But it wasn't the case for Sirius. Nothing got better, time wasn't helping. He kept the wound deliberately open, he was too afraid of losing hisself again if he didn't. He kept playing all the times he had spent with Remus in his head. His love for Remus was a kind of poison running through his veins, slowly turning him into a living memory. His life was a living hell now. He had began avoiding James too, he couldn't bear the thought of his « almost brother » despising him for what he had done. He wasn't sure if James felt like this, though, but he didn't bother to ask. Being alone was the punishment he had to endure, he had deserved it.
« Damn my education I can't find the words to say With all the things caught in my mind »
So after all, he was still thinking about Remus. Remus who hadn't spoke to him again since the night he confessed everything, Remus who wasn't getting better at all either. He seemed sicker than ever, but nor James or even the professors succeed in helping him. All people talking to him only seemed to make things worse. Sirius wished he could help, but it was only a foolish thought. Just to torture himself again. To remember it was all his fault. He started many letters he never sent, he prepared many things to say but he never got to tell them. He had really ruined everything, damn. What has run through his head ? Maybe he hadn't been thinking at all, he was just so attired by Remus' lips and he only wanted to reached them. He did, he lost. He wasn't a winner after all, he wasn't the king of the world as he used to think he was. He was just the worst friend someone could ever have. He was definitely a Black. This thought, more than all other one, made him want to cry really hard.
« I don't wanna be there when you're ... Coming down. I don't wanna be there when you hit the ground »
So, life went on. Nothing happened. He wasn't talking to me again, and he probably won't. As usual, I was thinking of this, tying to fall asleep. But I couldn't. I couldn't sleep anymore, since I realized how much I was a total jerk. I heard him cry, this night. He was having a nightmare, probably. He often had one, and it usually ended quicky. But this one seemed to never end, he was moving fast, struggling against a non-existant ennemy. He looked lost, and hopeless. So I couldn't stop myself, and I went to his bed. As I came on it, I lay beside him, holding him in my arms, until he calms down. I was holding him tight, stroking his hair, waiting for him to feel better. An hour later, or it seemed so long, he finally calmed down. I wanted to stay there, it felt so good to hold him in my arms, but despite of what I wanted, I stand up, letting him ro better dreams and went to my bed. As I lay down, hoping I'd fall asleep quickly, I swore I heard him. « Thanks. » That was all he said. The first thing he told me for months. And it made me think, foolishly, that maybe I hadn't lose now. That something could still happen. That maybe, I was not so fool never stopping to hope. So, after this, we managed to create some kind of a relationship between us. Every night, I used to go in his bed, and we leaned together, witthout speaking. That was the only thing we silently forbadde each other to do : speak. Time after time, we kissed, we fucked, we cried, but never talked again. We also weren't talking during days, we were still avoiding each other. These nights with Remus were everything. But even if they brought me a lot of pleasure, it was more painful than anything. Knowing it didn't really mean something, touching Remus' body, Remus who was slowly eaten by anorexia, and was only skin and bones now. I hated it, touching his body, it felt so wrong. But I couldn't help but do it, if Remus wanted it, I had to. I would have make everything to make him forgive me, even this. And then, the day came when everything fell apart another time, the day when I screwed it up another time. We were in the dormitory, alone, and then Remus suddendly jumed on me, kissing me passionately, biting my lips even. I let my hands wander under his shirt, and pushed him against the wall, then I said what ruined it. I told him this, « I love you, Moony.. », bitting my lips, waiting for his answer with tears-filled eyes. He looked at me, and then turned your back and went out the room, leaving me here alone, with the walls as only witness of my sorrow. He didn't come back this night. It was full moon. You didn't come back after it, either. But that wasn't normal.
« So dont go away, say what you say Say that you'll stay, forever and a day In the time of my life Cos I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right »
When James told me that Remus was in the nursery, I didn't believe him the first time. Then he explained that this time, Remus was to weak to recover from the transformation, because he was anorexic it was too much for him. As soon as I fully understand what James was saying, I ran to the nursery. He was lying on a bed, sleeping. He was also having fever. I took a seat next to his bed, and stayed here, looking after him. He woke up, once, but he was still agitated so I told him to sleep again. He smiled weakly and I took his hand in mines, until he did fall asleep. I stayed here for hours, not thinking about the fact that I was supposed to have class and that I will get detentions. I was glad I could say with him, although he wasn't fully aware of. I I were on one of those muggles' movie, I would try to take benefit of this situation to confess how much I love him, and then he would wake up and kiss me with passion, and everything would endly be alright. I had always found these scenes lame, but right now I secretly wished it could really happen. But we're in real life, that doesn't happen in real life. I was think of whether I'd open my mouth and talk to you, when he finally woke up. He laid his eyes on me, and smiled when he talked.
« I thought it was all a dream.. »
« What ? », I asked.
« You being here with me, waiting for me to get better. »
« No, it wasn't. », I smiled. « I would never let you, because I hate seing you like this. »
I shut my mouth up. We wasn't supposed to talk, or else he would left me again. So, instead, I stood up, and turned ly back to him, looking outside the window. We didn't speak for what seems an eternity. We were just the two of us, listening to the beatings of our broken hearts, not daring to move, afraid to break this unstable balance that linked us. He was the first one to speak again.
« Don't you find it strange that we can spend so much time together without talking ? I mean, we haven't talked, really, for months now.. », he whispered.
I still didn't turned back, I didn't want to face him now.
« Yes, that's true. We didn't talk. In fact, we did pretty much everything except this. We kissed, we fucked sometimes, but we never said a word. You know why ? Because you didn't want to. Because I was so afraid of losing you again that I scrupulously respected this rule. But I'm so sick of it now. » I finally turned back, facing him. He had tears in his eyes, but I didn't care, I went on. I had too much on my heart, too much that was going on in my head to stop now. « I hate what you've become. I hate myself for what I did to you. I hate seing you laying here, becaus it's almost like I send you here. I hate not talking to you, because, even if you won't hear it, I love you. I love you, and I need you. Not to kiss you one time when you decided to, but whenever I want to. Because I can't live my life without you, and I know I hurted you, but I sweat I'll never do it again. I'll take care of you, of us, of everything if you're not capable of it. But I can't do it without you. So what the fuck's wrong with you ? Why can't you just tell me what's going on ? I can't read your mind, Rem'. I'm lost here, I don't know what to do anymore. I just.. Why the hell can't you just face your feelings like everyone. Stop lying, stop hidding. Just talk to me again.. ».
When I stopped, I was almost shouting at him. I saw Mrs Pomfrey during my speech that tried to come to me to tell me to go, but I don't know how James convinced her not to. I noted somewhere in my mind that I had to thank him after. When I finally laid my eyes on him again, he's crying, curled up on his bed. I kneeled beside his bed, and took his hand.
« Oh god, Rem' I'm sorry. You're sick, and all I do is shouting at you. I'm so sorry, I didn't want to make you cry.. I just.. »
I couldn't finish my sentence, he was endly speaking.
« It's not your fault, nothing's your fault. You didn't force me to stop eating, for instance, I did. I did it because I hate not having control on things. I'm weak. I always have been. »
I tried to protest, but he wasn't listening. So I shut my mouth up, for the second time within a few minutes.
« I was supposed not to make any friends, to protect them from the monster I am. But you and James, who were the coolest kid from school, have chosen me to be your friends, and I felt so happy I couldn't stop it to happen. I tried to lie to you about me being a werewolf, but you discovered, and didn't dropped me. I had faith in you, I loved you, but I couldn't resist to anything. Even when you wanted to pull a simple prank on someone, I was always finding myself willing to do it after you talked to me. I am weak. So I stopped eating. Because, that, I could control. Or at least I thought so, it turns out I was wrong again. That doesn't explain why I avoided you, right ? ». He smiled bitterly, then went on. « I didn't want to face my feelings for you, because for once, I wanted to be normal. I've always been the freak one. I am the poor guy, the werewolf, the orphan, the prefect, the mister-I-know-everything, I am the boring one. I am not like you, or James. Not even like Peter. I'm at the bottom of the alimentary chain. I didn't quite understand why you have chosen me as a friend, but it made me so happy, that I didn't say no to your offer. But I didn't want to add the « gay one » to the list. I didn't want to be more of a freak than I already was. It's been so long that I'm a werewolf, that I don't even remember how it was to be normal, how it was before all of this. I'm sorry, Padfoot, but I think I was a bit egoistic on this story.. »
I burst out laughing. So it was all ? It has nothing to do with me ?
« Oh god, Remus. Being gay is normal too. And you don't have to care about what others are thinking. Just be yourself, I assure you, you're amazing at it. And for you being weak, it doesn't matter. I can be strong for two, but you have to promise me you'll eat again. »
He cracked a smile, then he approached his head from mine, and kiss me. It wasn't as usual, it was softer. It was better. It meant I love you too.