As the days went by a new routine developed, a much simpler routine that Danny found himself relaxing into. The mornings were spent breakfasting and chilling out around the cabin, a short walk with Steve before lunch, then his 'session' with Al before they took a longer hike or sat around reading or playing board games. Sometimes it was just himself and Steve and at other times, Al and Laura would join them. Danny found himself looking over at the calendar hung on the kitchen wall each time he passed until he paused before it one day, taking in the month. He took it down and went to sit at the table where Steve was reading an old magazine as he had a coffee.
"You said I was gone seven months?" Danny asked, turning back the pages of the calendar.
Al had been getting him to remember the first days of being taken by Victor and of the immediate events leading up to the 'kidnapping' as Danny was slowly telling himself to refer to it as.
Steve looked up at him curiously, pushing the paper aside and cradling his coffee between his hands and he leaned on the table.
"Yeah, well, it will be eight now, it's October," Steve explained. "You got taken -."
Danny held up a hand and closed his eyes, trying to remember. The information was there, he just hadn't used it in a long time.
"Danny?" Steve asked, wondering what he was doing.
"I'm just trying to remember it for myself," Danny told him, opening his eyes and looking at the calendar again. "We'd tracked Hesse and some of his guys to the docks."
"Yeah," Steve nodded.
"They were waiting for us," Danny said, looking over at him. "They knew we were coming."
"Yeah," Steve agreed again. "But by the time we figured that out we were already under heavy fire."
"We got split up, Chin, Kono," Danny said in thought, closing his eyes again. It was all vague, like it had happened years ago and not just months. "They both got hurt. I'd lost track of you, I didn't know what had happened."
"I got jumped from behind, got knocked out," Steve explained to him. "By the time I came round, you were gone, Chin had taken a bullet in the shoulder and was in a pretty bad way. Kono had gotten jumped by a couple of guys, put up a fight but she didn't get off lightly."
Danny pondered on his memories, on the case itself, giving a sigh and leaning on an elbow. "Think they planned it? Do you think Vic - Hesse - planned it?"
Steve looked away and gave a small shrug and a nod. "Yeah I think he planned it. What he did to you, subjected you to, that wasn't a simple thing Danny. He knew what he was doing, it was definitely planned."
"But why?" Danny asked quietly, finding it hard to accept though it made perfect sense. "Why would he go to all the trouble?"
Steve sat back in his chair and seemed to shrink in defeat. "I'd been hunting down Hesse for years, so long it had become personal. Missions aren't supposed to get personal but Victor, he just, we got into each others heads. It was all an elaborate game Danny. He could have just killed you, he had the oppurtunity to take the both of us, or even just me, could have held me and tortured me for months. But he took you instead, did what he did because he knew it would hurt more. I think if I hadn't have come for you when I did, that he would have used you in some way, revealed you were alive, shown how much he'd changed you and could control you. May have even used you to commit another of his crimes."
"So he did it to get to you?" Danny said quietly. "He used me to hurt you. It was never about me, it was never about creating 'Daniel'?"
Steve shook his head at him. "I don't think so."
Danny swallowed hard, a sour taste in his mouth as he looked down at the calendar. For some reason that idea hurt more than he wanted to admit too and he felt his eyes sting. It was hard to think, never mind accept, that Victor had never actually cared for him.
"It was a very clever and effective way to punish me," Steve said, leaning forward again, trying to get his attention. "To hurt me Danny and it meant he got to hurt you too. I know it's hard for you to hear that and accept it."
"He told me he loved me," Danny admitted, beginning to question the reality of Victor's feelings. "He cared for me."
Steve didn't reply and when Danny looked up at him, he found a painful look reflected back at him.
"You've been in love Danny," Steve replied, holding his gaze. "Remember being in love with Rachel? Before the marriage broke down, how you felt for her, that was love right? Do you think Victor loved you like that? Did he care for you like she did once?"
Danny chewed on his lower lip and dropped his eyes again, it was difficult to accept that what Steve was saying made sense. Part of him didn't want to accept it, to believe it. But the way he'd loved Rachel, how they'd felt for one another, even the lingering feelings after the divorce and the bitterness between them, it hadn't ever been like that with Victor.
"I'm sorry," Steve said gently, pushing his chair back to stand. "I know it's hard for you to hear. I'm not trying to hurt you, I just want you to see how Victor made you think he cared when he really didn't. I know it doesn't mean much now but there was a time I think we could have cared for one another, we were at that point Danny, if we'd just been brave enough to say it. It wouldn't have been easy, I know it wouldn't have but we were always honest enough with each other enough to say what we were thinking. I know one thing, I'd never have treated you the way Victor did. I don't need you to be anyone but you. You'd always have been enough for me Danny, you always will be."
As Steve went to leave Danny looked up at him, feeling a stirring of something, of hope and yet fear of the unknown.
"Even now?" Danny asked quietly.
Steve smiled and moved around the table, leaning down and cupping his cheek with his hand.
"Always," Steve promised, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his forehead.
Danny let out a sigh as Steve pulled away, giving his shoulder a squeeze before he left him alone with his thoughts.
/
They'd been at the cabin a little over a week and Danny found he wasn't as anxious as he was to leave. He still had the quiet solitude he was used to, but he wasn't alone, there was always someone to talk to or merely in the background when he wanted his space. Memories of Victor haunted him always, but he'd begun to recognise the sinister reasons behind his behaviour with him. Al helped expand upon why he'd begun to feel the way he had because of how he'd been treated. Laura rarely asked him about his time with Victor, unless he mentioned the subject himself. Instead he realised she worked at making him feel comfortable and safe where he was, showing him care and comfort in a more stable environment.
Danny found himself becoming confused and concerned about his feelings when he was around Steve. He knew he felt something but he didn't know if it were real or just born from the fact they'd been living in close quarters the last week. He didn't want to simply transfer his need for closeness that he'd developed with Victor to Steve. Danny knew they'd been close to something before Victor had taken him, and there'd been moments Steve had talked about that, but Danny still feared he was hoping for something that didn't really exist. He remembered that his old fear about pursuing a closer realtionship with the man was because he didn't want to lose Steve's friendship if things didn't turn out and it was a fear that still existed.
He began to become guarded within himself when Steve was around, careful how much they talked or touched or shared their time together. Steve had a tendency to reach out and touch him when he got nervous or upset and Danny found himself tensing up. Victor had used similar techniques on him, he'd been talking to Al about it, how it had began and how Danny had become reliant on the touch.
As the unsettled, anxious feelings began to emerge around Steve, Danny felt uncomfortable and it was beginning to frustrate him. He didn't want a barrier to further develop between them but he wasn't sure he should be feeling the way he was about Steve. One evening after supper on the lanai, Danny had went to read, it was a damp, rainy evening and they'd been cooped up inside all day. Steve joined him and Danny tried to concentrate on his book but Steve's presence un-nerved him. Steve obviously noticed his discomfort, reaching out and resting a hand on his neck gently.
"You okay?" Steve asked him.
Danny winced and gave a shrug of his shoulders, pulling himself away until Steve dropped his hand.
"Fine," Danny said quickly, turning a page of the book without looking at him.
"Something wrong?" Steve questioned, setting down his own book and turning his full attention to him.
"Said I'm fine didn't I?" Danny replied, curling up and leaning on the arm of the sofa.
"You sure?" Steve said, touching his arm.
Danny let out an exasperated sigh and jerked his arm away. "iFuck/i. I'm good."
"What's wrong Danny?" Steve continued, accusingly this time.
"Nothing, just -," Danny replied, lowering his book to glance at him.
Steve looked back at him, a little fearfully and Danny realised Steve thought he'd done something wrong but was at a loss as to what that was.
"It's nothing," Danny said gently, giving a small shake of his head.
"Have I done something?" Steve asked him. "You've been off with me the last day or so. If I've done something, said something, you need to tell me."
"No, you haven't," Danny said with a shake of his head. "I'm just, I don't know how - what -."
Danny grimaced and looked away, giving another sigh. Steve reached out and touched his neck again and he tensed, giving a small shrug to shake him off.
"Danny?" Steve questioned quietly.
"He used to touch me like that all the time," Danny sighed, giving in. "It was how he used to keep me calm, like, I dunno, he did it to keep me compliant."
He felt the sofa shift as Steve sat back, moving away from him. "Oh. Sorry."
Danny looked at him quickly, holding up a hand. "I don't think - I know you're not doing the same thing, it's just, sometimes, I just - fuck I don't know. I'm confused right now. About Victor, about us. I don't want to make a mistake, start feeling something that doesn't really exist."
"I never meant to make you uncomfortable," Steve apologised, looking uncomfortable himself.
"You don't," Danny told him. "It's nice, that's the problem. He did the same thing and it felt nice too. But I'm beginning to see it was for all the wrong fucking reasons."
Steve gave a small nod of understanding and gave a small shrug. "I get it Danny, I'm sorry. No more touching."
The idea of it made Danny grimace and he shook his head, giving a smirk. "Not a permanent change I hope."
Steve looked confused and frowned at him. "I don't know what you want from me Danny?"
"Neither do I," Danny pointed out to him. "I'm trying to be honest here Steve. There's stuff you say and do, I just, I get confused. I don't know if you're doing it because you're my friend and you care, or because you're trying, hoping, for something more but you're giving me space instead of pressuring me."
He expected Steve to get defensive, but Steve smirked and rolled his eyes at him. "Guess we're dancing around each other like we used to before all this shit happened."
Danny smiled and gave a small nod. "Only everything is more complicated now."
"Want me to be honest?" Steve asked him, looking him in the eye. "About what I want?"
Danny swallowed down and gave a small nod. He found he was hoping for a particular answer and feared getting the wrong one.
"I want you," Steve replied simply. "I've always wanted you, as a friend, as a lover. Touching you, on your neck, on the cheek, fuck, that doesn't come close to what I want to do to you. But if that's all I ever get to do, it's enough. If it's too much for you, then I'll stop. I'm not doing it to control you somehow Danny, but I know it calms you and yeah, I know it's a product of what he did to you. But I'm not doing it for the same reasons Danny, I do it because I want to comfort you, not control you. I won't do it any more if it's fucking with your head, I'll stop."
It was on the tip of Danny's tongue to say that Victor wanted to do more also and he'd succeeded, but Danny knew that wasn't fair. Steve's motives were nothing like Victor's, Danny understood that much. Steve was being honest, but he was also giving him space, time and without expectation. Steve wouldn't force him into anything.
"You think, if this had never happened, that we'd have eventually gotten together?" Danny asked him, watching him closely for a reaction.
Steve gave a small shrug and slight nod of his head. "I'd like to think so, I can't answer with certainty. I know we probably both wanted there to be something, but we also wanted to protect the friendship. You're my best friend Danny, I'd never want to lose that."
"Even now, after everything that's happened," Danny said, waving a hand in the air. "Things are different now."
"We aren't," Steve pointed out. "We're still the same people."
"Things have changed," Danny said again with a shake of his head.
"Shit happens," Steve said calmly. "You know the one thing I know about you Danny? You're a fucking stubborn son of a bitch, you never back down from anything without a fight."
"I didn't fight against Victor," Danny argued, slumping back.
"You're fighting now," Steve told him.
"It won't be the same as before," Danny shook his head again. "Things won't ever be the same."
"Between us?" Steve asked cautiously.
"In everything," Danny said to him. "I can't go back to how things were, back home. I can't just walk back into my life. He's always going to be in my head, what's happened, I can't just forget it and pretend it never happened."
"Nobody is asking you too," Steve said, leaning over to him and resting a hand softly on his arm, before moving his hand down to the couch cushions.
Danny turned towards him, moving his hand to hold Steve's gently in his own. He looked down at the hold they had on one another. As he stared at their hands he gave a small frown, brows furrowing together as he pursed his lips. Steve gave his fingers a squeeze, seeing the look.
"What's the matter?" he asked him in alarm.
"Victor didn't - I never really," Danny started, mind whirring over his time with Victor. "I always felt like I wasn't supposed to touch back you know? Like I had to wait to be told or given permission before I got close to him."
Steve gave a small nod of understanding, giving the statement some thought. "You know now that you mention it, you never touch me. You always used to, not in any intimate way, but just, small ways. At first it was noticeable, but then it was just, you. Maybe you could, I dunno, try it again, not forcing it but - you never had to ask my permission Danny."
"Yeah, maybe," Danny agreed with a small nod. "Maybe that's why I feel uncomfortable, because I don't feel like I can reciprocate."
"Well you're reciprocating now and it feels nice," Steve smiled, nodding towards their hands still touching.
"I can't make you any promises Steve," Danny said suddenly.
"Good," Steve assured him. "Because I'm not asking you too."