"Can I ask you something?" Danny asked Al as they played chess on the lanai during one of their sessions.
"Sure, anything," Al replied, studying the board for his next move.
"Was it easy for you, going back to your life after you got out?" Danny questioned, sitting back in his chair.
Al sat back himself, ignoring the game for the time being. He gazed at Danny with an honest look and shook his head. "No. It wasn't."
Danny winced and glancd out over the view. It was so peaceful up in the mountains it was difficult to think he had to go back to Oahu, back to his 'life', whatever that meant.
"I'd had my eyes opened Danny," Al told him. "To something I suppose if I hadn't experienced it, I wouldn't have believed was possible. The mind is a fragile thing, if we don't protect it, there are people who will use very easy and simple techniques to manipulate and control us. It wasn't until I'd come out of it and had things lain out before me, like a puzzle broken down, I'd never have understood or accepted that I'd been so changed in such a short space of time. I gave up everything for the group, my studies, my career, my life goals, all because I attended a 'lecture' with some friends. You know at first I just thought it was a load of nonsense, I even left the lecture saying so. But then I attended another, and another, a young man who thought he should be more open minded. Well, I don't think people should be close minded, but if you are going to be open minded, just guard those doors you keep ajar up there."
Al tapped his head with a finger as he spoke and gave a smile. "Back in those days, it was common enough for families to literally 'kidnap' their loved ones from a cults clutches in hopes of saving them. That's what my parents did, four years after I'd joined. I'd been hurt in an accident, we'd not really kept in touch over the years because I knew they didn't approve of the group I was in and I'd been convinced they were wicked for not supporting and joining me. But they'd come to visit me in the hospital, said they'd drive me home and instead took me to a 'safe house', where they had two former members of the group waiting, my 'exit counsellors'. I had little chance of leaving on my own due to my injuries and so had nowhere to hide from the truth of their words. It was a long two weeks but by the end of them, I'd begun to realise how unhealthy the group, the cult, was. That was only the beginning of my recovery. It was also the beginning of my life. It took a long time to deal with the fall out of what had gone on, emotionally, mentally, but everyday I reminded myself what I had given up for that group, to that group. My money, my life, my free thinking, free will. Every day I'm still thankful I have control of that all again."
"I feel I can't go back to how it was before," Danny said in reply.
"Of course not," Al said in agreement. "You're a changed man Danny. You've been through an experience, a traumatic experience and few people are going to understand that. But you learn from it and you grow from it."
"But what about-," Danny started before pausing, swallowing down as he thought to the future. "What about Grace? What about my work?"
"What about Grace? She's still your daughter, you still love her. That hasn't diminished, no mater how much Victor tried to convince you otherwise. You are and will always be her father, don't allow Victor and his words to rob you of that," Al told him. "As for work, you may one day return to being a detective. But I wouldn't advise you to go straight back to work, it's a stressful environment and you need to take things easy. Perhaps you could find something to do with your time while you settle back into normality, something easy going and gentle. I'm sure Steve will help."
"Yeah, I know he will," Danny nodded in agreement. "But I can't rely on him for everything. Why is it, why does it feel like -."
Danny paused and grimaced, it frustrated him that it had only been seven months. That in that time he'd been altered so quickly and easily.
"Danny, you were confined, time became endless," Al reminded him, understanding his thoughts. "When people slept, they may have kept you awake, when they allowed you to sleep, you may have only slept a few hours, or a sleep cycle may have lasted twelve. You told me yourself you remember being kept awake when it was dark outside, remember? When they gave you the room with the window. Any other person would have questioned or complained, but they'd conditioned you by then, to simply accept that when the lights were on, you were awake. Lights off, you slept, even when there was daylight outside. You can't simply shake off what happpened and return to normal. I know you're nervous about returning home, but you have to face it eventually. You can't hide here forever."
"Why not?" Danny sighed wistfully. At the cabin it was peaceful, he felt calm without being forced into a subservient position, when he needed peace and quiet he could seek it out for himself. When he needed company, he didn't have to look far to find Steve waiting. That would all change when they went back to the city. There he'd actually have to pick up the peices of his life.
"Because here is just a stopping place," Al said in understanding. "A place for you to stabilise yourself before you go back."
"I just, people are going to want to talk," Danny said, nervously rubbing his hands together. "And I dont know where to begin to explain."
"You don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to," Al pointed out.
"But what if," Danny said, looking away and sucking in a deep breath. "What if they find out I wanted to stay? What are they going to think when they know I, I -."
Al's hand covered his and Danny glanced up to find he'd moved around the table to sit closer, putting an arm around his shoulders.
"Can you remember making the decision Danny?" Al asked him gently. "Deciding it was easier to comply than fight?"
Danny squeezed his eyes shut and gave a small nod.
"How did that make you feel?" Al questioned, not moving away.
"Weak," Danny admitted, barely getting the word out. "I couldn't fight it any more. It was too exhausting."
"That was their intention," Al told him. "They didn't need to physically beat you to get you to conform, they just needed to break you, mentally. Once they'd managed that, it was easy for them to manipulate your behaviour. They sold you a perfect way of life Danny, existing for one person, no need to wonder where your next meal would come from, how you would care for yourself. Victor became your keeper and he made you afraid of the world. It was you against him, and he held all the power to keep you as you were. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of, you did what you needed to do to survive and you did. Don't let him win by hiding away and being afraid to go back."
/
Danny found after he'd faced up to Steve about his discomfort when they were close, that he was much more relaxed around the man. He dropped his guard around him, didn't tense up when Steve would brush past or touch him. Danny even found himself flirting, before he realised himself and reigned it in, unsure what he was trying to pursue with the other man. He remembered, before he was kidnapped, how intense their relationship had been, at a tipping point of friends and lovers.
He was making supper one evening. Steve had offerred to help and between them the air was fizzing.
"I said chop 'em, not mutilate them," Danny smirked as Steve attacked an onion.
Steve paused, looked down at the onion before gazing at Danny. "Seriously? You're seriously going to complain about how I chop an onion."
"Yeah, until you learn to chop properly," Danny pointed out with a laugh. "Look at that - I asked for finely chopped. Those are chunks."
"You're a bitch in the kitchen Danno, you know that right?" Steve asked, turning away to attack another onion.
"And you're like a caveman," Danny told him, going to the fridge to get out the steaks. He set them on the side, finding Steve clearing away some of the mess. "A domesticated one it has to be said."
"You know, if you tidied up after yourself, you'd have more space to prepare," Steve grumbled, dumping scraps and rubbish in the trash.
"It actually pains you physically doesn't it, seeing stuff untidy?" Danny laughed again.
Steve smiled but shrugged, returning to the kitchen counter. "What's next?"
Danny got out the mallet from the drawer and handed it to him. "Well caveman, I'll see if I can salvage the onions while you tenderise the meat."
Steve grinned, taking the mallet happily, making Danny laugh again and giving him a small push.
"What?" Steve shrugged, slapping the meat onto a wooden tray and covering it with film.
"You look too happy with your given task," Danny told him, chopping the onions a little finer though he had to admit, Steve hadn't done too bad a job. "Look at you, all giddy because you get to beat the crap out of a steak."
Steve grinned again, before he began banging away at the meat. Danny shook his head at him with a smile before throwing the onions into a pan to brown and got to work making a sauce. The fell silent as they concentrated on their tasks at hand. The sound of mallet beating meat stopped and Danny glanced over to find Steve watching him. Danny gave him a small smile before watching over the sauce again, not wanting it to spoil.
"I'm going to take out the trash," Steve announced suddenly, making himself busy pulling out the bag before heading for the back door.
Danny hummed to himself as the sauce thickened and he heated a pan for the steaks. A shrill sound suddenly invaded the room and he jumped in surprise, turning to see Steve's cell phone on the counter. He turned off the sauce, left the steaks sizzling and leaned over to look at the cell's screen. Chin Ho's name lit up the display.
Danny stared nervously at the cell, chewing on his lower lip and glancing at the door, wondering if Steve were coming back. But he didn't appear and the phone kept ringing. Danny hovered his hand over the cell a few seconds before he grabbed it and pressed his thumb on the screen to answer, putting it to his ear. His heart beat so fast he had to take a breath to calm himself.
"Hello?" he said nervously.
"Steve?" Chin's voice crackled through, the line wasn't clear and it was difficult to make him out.
"No, he's uh, he'll be back in a minute," Danny said, turning to the door, anxious for Steve to arrive.
There was a long silent pause and Danny tapped the counter nervously with his fingers.
"Danny?" Chin said through the static.
"Yeah," Danny admitted with a sigh. "Hi."
"Fuck, brah," Chin replied, sounding relieved and happy. "It's good to hear your voice."
"Yeah, uh, thanks," Danny said, at a loss as to what to say. Thankfully the door opened and Steve appeared, frowning when he saw Danny with the cell. "Uh Steve's here, I'll put him on."
He didn't wait for Chin to say any more thrusting the phone over to Steve and waiting for him to take it before he turned to the stove to watch over the steaks. Steve rested a hand on his shoulder as he took over the phone call.
"Chin, hey," Steve said, giving Danny's shoulder a squeeze of reassurance. "Yeah everything is good. - well he's just about to turn my steak in charcoal. - I don't know, guess that depends on him. Everything good at home? You handling stuff okay? - The governor can make demands all he wants. I'll be home when I'm home, you're capable of running the task force without me, you and Kono. - Yeah, I know. - maybe next time."
Danny felt Steve lean into him, mouth at his ear as he whispered. "You want to say goodbye?"
Danny tightened up and shook his head quickly. He wasn't sure why but even saying a few words to Chin had been strange, he wasn't ready to be dragged back into full conversation. Steve didn't say anything, not moving away though as he finished the call.
"Ok brah, I'll call you in a few days, maybe we'll know by then when we'll be home," Steve said. "Yeah - ok I will - aloha."
Steve rested his chin on his shoulder, giving him a small squeeze as Danny turned the steaks in the pan.
"You okay?" Steve asked him.
"Yeah, I'm good," Danny said, finding himself relaxing under the close proximity as Steve held him. "Just, I guess I didn't know what to say."
"Then why did you answer it?" Steve asked, not accusingly, just curious as to his thoughts.
"Just wanted to say hi I guess," Danny explained.
He felt Steve smile and shift behind him, feeling himself warming up from the touch, it felt like Steve was all over him and it was turning him on.
"Don't burn my steak," Steve teased him, breath ghosting over his ear. "You know I like mine medium rare."
"Yeah I know," Danny said, shifting to dig him in the ribs with his elbow. "If you quit acting like a limpet and let me cook, I may do it the way you like."
"Yes chef," Steve laughed, giving him a squeeze before pulling away to take the dishes out on the lanai.
Danny felt his cheeks burning and told himself it was just the heat from the stove.