The next morning he woke early, carefully getting out of the bed without disturbing Steve. It was barely light ouside and he changed into an old pair of faded jeans and worn out t-shirt, settling in the chair to think. The tryst through the night had been the first time he'd done anything sexual of his own volition in a long time and it had made him feel good. Steve hadn't wanted or demanded anything in return, simply wanting to give him what he needed to be satisfied. Victor had always taken, looking at him like he were an object, especially when it came to sex.
Danny frowned and looked around him. He thought about what it would have been like from Victor's point of view, having his Daniel always there, waiting for him. Danny thought back, remembering the times he was on his knees, silent and waiting for any hint of acknowledgment from the man. He remembered how frustrating it would be when Victor went away for long periods of time, how bad the feelings could get. He realised it wasn't that he'd missed Victor so much as the human connection. Being made to feel useful and wanted, even if it was just to be seen complying or available.
Frowning, Danny leaned forward, thinking hard, brow furrowed, like he was searching his mind for answers.
"Danny?" Steve spoke his name sleepily from the bed, stirring a little in his sleep.
Danny peered round the chair towards him, Steve blinking and searching him out in the room. He got up and went to the bed, sitting down on the edge and resting a hand on Steve's chest.
"It's okay, I'm here," Danny assured him. "Just woke early is all."
"You okay?" Steve asked warily, sitting up a little. "After, you know, what happened during the night?"
Danny gave a small embarassed smile and gave a small nod, looking away. "Yeah, sorry about that."
"You keep apologising," Steve said, putting a hand over his. "You don't need too. Took me a little by surprise is all."
"Don't know what came over me," Danny said quietly with a shrug.
"Well I know you came all over me," Steve said with a small laugh. Danny smiled shyly and glanced away as Steve sat up more, holding his hand. "What've you been thinking about Danno?"
Danny didn't reply, turning a little, pulling his hand away and staring over to the window again. Steve let him have his moment of silence.
"He always called me Daniel," Danny said quietly.
"Yeah? So?" Steve said beside him.
"Never Danny or Danno," Danny shook his head. "Always Daniel. Daniel was someone he created for himself."
Steve put a hand on his shoulder as he spoke and Danny turned his attention back to him, finding Steve looking at him with a gentle expression.
"My Ma calls me Daniel," Danny told him. "When I'm in trouble. You know how mothers do, envoking the full name rule just so you know how deeply in the shit you are? Pop's the same."
"What are you saying Danny?" Steve asked, trying to follow his train of thought.
"Victor didn't know me," Danny said to him. "He didn't see me. He just saw what he wanted, his creation. I remember now, back at the start, convincing myself that if I just went along with everything the torture would stop. And it did. I told myself if I did what he wanted, that help would come eventually, I just needed to be patient. It was just simpler to be 'Daniel'."
"But you were so deep in it when help did come that you couldn't see it," Steve said to him.
"It was easier, his way," Danny sighed with a shrug and he gave a hollow laugh. "It was so fucking easy. I thought if I could just play along, just wait until you came for me. I knew you'd come, I just didn't think I'd be convinced it was better his way. I never meant it to become real."
"It was just your way of coping Danny," Steve assured him. "There aren't many people who could resist that kind of control and manipulation."
"You did," Danny said looking at him closely.
"Part of my training is to endure torture," Steve said, sitting up and resting a hand on his shoulder. "And even I can see how easy it would have been to give in to it. You were there seven months, there's no way you could have resisted him that long. And he didn't want to control me like he did you."
"I keep thinking about the things we did together," Danny said, wincing and turning away, scrubbing a hand over his face as he grimaced at the memories. "The things he wanted from me."
"Danny," Steve rubbed a hand over his shoulders comfortingly.
"I need to talk to Al," Danny said shaking his head. "I want to talk to him about it."
"Okay," Steve nodded, pulling his hand away and Danny looked at him, seeing the hint of rejection in his eyes.
"It's just, I don't want," Danny said shaking his head and reaching out to him, trailing his fingers over his cheek. "I don't want that, what we did together, to get in between us. There's some stuff I won't be able to talk to you about. You understand that right?"
"You know I want to help you," Steve nodded.
"I know, but right now I just need to get some things out of my head, thoughts and feelings, and the person I need to speak to about it is Al," Danny said to him. "What happend during the night, that helped, but I shouldn't have just -."
Steve stopped him with a thumbb brushing over his lips, hand cupping his jaw. "Just wake me up next time," Steve grinned. "Believe me, finding you like that wasn't a bad thing on my part. But if you wake me up first, then maybe I can get in on the action too."
Danny flushed and looked away, slightly embarassed. "Maybe it's too soon, maybe we should be taking things slow. It might be a bad idea-."
Steve hushed again, thumb pressing against his lips. "I don't see us rushing into anything. What happened last night was something you needed and something we both took part in because we iboth/i wanted it. But I'm not expecting anything, I'm not going to pressure you into anything. I'll wait for however long you need."
"Okay, all right," Danny nodded in agreement, a smile edging the corner of his lips. "Thanks."
/
"Can we talk?" Danny asked Al, finding him on the swing seat on the porch.
Al looked up at him and gave a small nod, motioning for him to take a seat. "What's on your mind Danny?"
"I want to talk about Victor and me," Danny started out, sitting back in the seat and staring into the distance. "About the sex."
"Okay," Al replied without asking any questions. He was silent and let Danny start of his own accord.
"The first time we ever got really close to having sex," Danny started, thinking back. Victor had had him dress in fresh clean clothes, they'd eaten in the mansions dining room, all glittery and sparkling. Victor had aimed for a romantic atmosphere and Danny remembered it had made him feel special. "Victor had treated me to a meal together, just to two of us. Made me feel special. Afterwards we started making out on the couch and I knew, I just, I knew he wanted sex, knew he wanted to fuck me. I couldn't do it and I pushed him away. I just didn't want it, I knew it was wrong, that it was taking things too far, like deep down I knew I was just playing along but I couldn't pretend for that."
Al was silent and Danny paused, mind whirring back. He remembered the night vividly.
"Part of me thought," Danny said, stumbling on his words. "Thought maybe he'd -."
He couldn't bring himself to say what he was thinking and clamped his lips together.
"You thought he'd force you," Al finished for him, resting a hand on his arm. "Did he ever force himself on you Danny?"
Danny felt something twist inside his gut and he felt nauseus, but he gave a small nod of his head.
"The first time we had sex, I wanted it," Danny explained, feeling his throat constrict as he held himself together. "I enjoyed it, the way he fucked me, the way it made me feel. He left me in his bed, went to do some business, came back in the middle of the night. Woke me up wanting to fuck me again. I didn't want, I didn't - he'd fucked me pretty hard that first time, I was pretty sensitive. He just said it would be okay, that I should just relax and enjoy it. Made me feel by letting him any way was the right thing to do, letting him fuck his 'Daniel', like maybe I didn't have the right to refuse him. It hurt but I just, he just said it felt good, he was happy with me. It got difficult after that, him going away for long periods of time. I found myself struggling to hold it together until I saw him again."
"Were there any other times you weren't in the mood for sex and he convinced you or forced himself on you?" Al asked quietly, squeezing his arm reassuringly.
"I wasn't always in the mood but he began to learn how to get me interested," Danny said with a shrug. "I began to crave the intimacy, it made me feel special. Got to the point all he needed to do was look at me a certain way or make a gesture and I knew he wanted to fuck me, or for me to blow him."
"What about your own desires, your own needs?" Al questioned. "When he wasn't there, were you allowed to satisfy yourself?"
"No," Danny replied with a shake of his head. "Only Victor. They kept a close eye on me when I was alone to ensure I complied."
"So he made you fully dependent on him, for everything," Al said with a sigh, sitting back.
"Yeah I guess," Danny nodded.
"Why did you need to talk Danny?" Al asked him. "About the sex with Victor."
"Sometimes I have dreams, nightmares of when we were together, I wake up hard because of them," Danny said honestly. "I got to thinking about those intmate times together this morning. But it isn't something I can talk to Steve about, I just know I needed to tell someone about it. I thought I was in love with him."
"You thought you were?" Al probed gently. "Does that mean you think differently now?"
"I didn't have anyone else," Danny shrugged. "I thought he cared about me. Now I don't know. I was just his 'Daniel', his play thing. If I complied I was rewarded and I wanted his affections, it was nice to be needed, to be wanted, to be useful. I was only ever useful to him, nobody else at the house. I existed for only him, he made sure of that. He only ever saw 'Daniel', he never saw me, that's not who he wanted."
"There are people who do see you," Al assured him, patting him on the shoulder. "People who care, people who love you, people who just want you to be yourself. People like Steve, your family back home in Oahu and in New Jersey."
"I know," Danny nodded. "I just, I don't know what they're going to think of me, when they find out what I did."
"All they need to know is you were kidnapped and held as a prisoner for several months," Al explained to him. "You were a hostage Danny, a prisoner who was tortured in ways you don't have to fully explain. Nobody needs to know any of the details unless you choose to tell them. If they truly care about you, then their one concern will be to help you readjust to your life, make the transition as easy as possible. You haven't done anything wrong, you've just tried to survive as best you could under the conditions of your captor."
"I can't just walk back into my life like it was yesterday," Danny shook his head. "I can't do that. I wouldn't know where to start."
"You don't have too," Al told him. "You take things slow, you take it one day at a time. But believe me you will get there Danny, to a place you feel yourself again. You'll never forget what happened and there will be moments you feel Victor, the way you lived, surround you again, maybe even feel a yearning to be back there. That's normal, it's called 'floating', it happens to myself and Laura at times. But you have to accept it happened, that you lived a cerain way but things are different now, that you are back in control now. And you'll learn Danny, you'll begin to learn and acknowledge that you being in control is a precious gift you aren't going to give up ever again."
/
Danny zipped up the suitcase and paused, glancing around the room and looking at Steve who stood opposite him, finishing packing his own things.
"I'm not sure I'm ready for this," he said honestly. He'd been feeling aprehensive all morning as they prepared to leave.
Steve looked up at him and smiled assuringly, walking over to him. "Things will be fine. You know the plan Danny. We drive back to Oahu tonight when the roads will be quiet. We'll go back to my place and we'll settle you in for a few days. The only people visiting will be Rachel and Grace, Chin and Kono. It's up to you how fast or slow things go remember. You're in control."
"I'm in control," Danny repeated under his breath, it was a regular mantra in his head these days. "I'm in control."
"And you've got Al and Laura's phone numbers if you need to call them," Steve said with a smile, nodding and turning to pick up his bags. "Come on, we don't leave for a few hours. I think they wanted to go for one last walk together."
/
Al and Laura were getting ready to return to the city themselves and the afternoon was spent taking a walk before Steve and Danny helped them pack up their mini van with some items and secured rooms in the cabin.
"When do you think you'll be up here next?" Danny asked Laura as they lay dust sheets over some of the furniture in the den.
"Oh a few months hopefully," Laura informed him. "We open the place up for four months to have people, like your stay only we'll maybe have four or five staying with us. You know if you'd like, you can come up, even if it's just to have a few days to yourself. I'll let you know the dates we'll be here."
"I'd like that, thanks," Danny nodded. "And thanks for, you know, everything you've done. You and Al. I don't think I'd ever gotten back to being me without the help."
"I'm glad we could help," Laura assured him, coming to stand before him. "But if it wasn't for Steve and the people back home doing all the work they did to get you back, we'd never have become involved. So thank them too okay?"
"Yeah I will," Danny smiled before he put his arms around her, Laura squeezed him back and they held each other for a long time.
"I turn my back for one minute and you're making moves on my wife Williams," Al laughed from the doorway.
"I should be so lucky," Danny replied, laughing himself as he pulled away from Laura's hold. "I was just saying thanks. You two, what you do, it's something special."
/
He sat and waved to Laura and Al as Steve pulled the van out of the drive way and along the rocky path that led to the main road. Danny didn't look away until they rounded a bend and the cabin dissappeared behing the trees. He settled into his seat for the ride home as Steve played around with the radio.
"How far away are we from Oahu?" Danny asked as they reached the road.
"Couple of hours," Steve replied, settling on a station and getting comfortable for the drive. "Roads should be quiet. You okay?"
"Going to be a weird couple of days," Danny replied, thinking about what lay ahead for him.
"Weirder than the last eight months?" Steve said with a smirk. "Things are going to be fine Danny."
"Keep reminding me of that every few days all right?" Danny laughed.
"Sure thing," Steve promised with a nod.
Danny fell asleep on the drive back and didn't wake until Steve was driving through his neighbourhood. It was dark but Danny peered out at the familiar setting, stomach lurching as they reached Steve's house. Steve parked up and looked over to him as he undid his belt, giving him a confident smile.
"Home at last," he grinned.