Dun dun dunnnn! My signature angst ;) Let me know what you think! And please tell me what you think about how I wrote Martha.
"Oh. My. God."
Kate could not believe her eyes. She squeezed them shut for a few seconds, to make it go away. But when she opened her eyes, it was still there.
"CASTLE!"
"What? What is it, honey?" Castle came running out of the bedroom, still wearing his pajamas and robe. He saw what Kate was looking at and froze. "Oh."
She just stared at him wordlessly, looking back and forth from him to the screen. Because there was his investigation, complete with pictures of her and everyone else involved with her mother's case, detailed notes included. She looked hurt and concerned and scared and lost and confused.
"I can explain."
xxxx
It had been almost 3 weeks since Kate had moved into Castle's loft, and all her stuff was there now. It was their home. Every night was like the first: dinner with Alexis, and sometimes Martha (who was very social lately, and not home as often, something Rick called a "blessing"), then a movie or some quiet time in each other's company. Sometimes Kate would read or take a bubble bath while Rick wrote, or he would take the bath with her. Sex was one of the great things about living together, no doubt, but it was just as fun to cuddle up together in bed and talk, or do any of the other domestic things they did, Kate had found. She never thought she would have so much fun having a "Say Yes to the Dress" marathon, playing laser tag, or making apple pie. Rick was an exceptionally good cook, and whenever she could, she watched him cook dinner. He taught her every step of every recipe he made, from hamburgers to pasta carbonara.
This whole mess of discovering Castle's secret investigation had come about when Kate went into his office that morning to get her gun out of his safe before work. She had bumped into the desk, jostling the remote and causing it to fall on the floor. In her attempt to pick it up, she stepped on the power button. And saw everything.
xxxx
"How long?" She asked, clenching her teeth.
"Well, you see, I –"
"Castle, how long?"
"Since the shooting," he admitted, bracing himself. He had screwed up, big time.
"Since the shooting? That's 6 months, Rick!"
"I know, I know!," he said hastily. "But let me explain. Kate, just let me tell you everything."
"Fine," she said. She sat down in his desk chair and started up at him expectantly. She looked even more angry and hurt. "Go on. Explain why you hid this huge secret from me for so long."
Castle ran his hand through his hair, trying to figure out where to start. But there really was no good place to start. All that he knew was that when he was done, he had a pretty damn good chance of losing Kate Beckett. And he couldn't let that happen. So he started by stating the most simple fact.
"I can't lose you, Kate."
She didn't want to let her guard down, he could tell. Her eyes softened for five seconds, then went cold again. She waited for him to continue.
"When… when you got shot, at Montgomery's funeral, we knew it was because you were looking into your mom's murder. That summer, I got a call. From an old friend of Montgomery's. He said Montgomery had sent him a file, a file containing information about you and your mother's murder that was too dangerous for me to know. But he said that the only way to keep you safe was to stop you from looking any further into the case. So I figured that if I could maybe figure it out on my own, or at least try, I could keep you safe. And I don't care if it was stupid, Kate. I watched you die that day. I almost lost you, and am I not losing you again."
He had started out quietly and timidly, but he finished firm and unwavering. He looked at her, but she just seemed… blank.
"Who is he?"
"I don't know. We've only talked on the phone."
"Castle, why didn't you tell me?" Tears welled up in her eyes. She stood up. "I had a right to know! It was my life that was almost taken away that day!"
"You don't understand, Kate. This man basically guaranteed another set of crosshairs on your body, and this time you wouldn't make it. I couldn't tell you, because you would just say "fuck it," grab your gun, and just throw yourself into the line of fire."
"It doesn't matter, Castle! It's my life, it's my choice."
"No, Kate, it's the choice of the people that love you. Your father, the boys, Lanie, Alexis, my mother, me. Your mother's death was horrible for you, and I know how long her case has haunted you. But you can't destroy all of our lives by being so careless with yours just to try and find her killer. It's basically suicidal, Kate."
Tears were spilling down her cheeks now. "And this investigation was what? Your intervention?"
"Maybe, I don't know." He was frustrated, wringing his hands together and wishing it were appropriate to wrap his arms around her. But the situation was too tense.
"Did you ever think that maybe you could have sat me down, like an adult, and had a serious conversation with me?"
"You were recovering from a pretty traumatic event, Kate. And don't pretend you would have listened to me if I asked you not to do something reckless."
"Excuse me?" She looked furious. Maybe that had been the wrong thing to say.
"Yeah, if I had said, 'Hey, Kate, so this guy who knows all this stuff about your mom's case called me, and you have to stay far away from it or they will kill you,' you wouldn't have listened to me. Do you realize I did all of this because I love you? Because the thought of losing you scared me too much to chance this on the hope that you wouldn't be stubborn, like you tend to be?"
Kate just looked tired all of the sudden. She slumped against the wall and rubbed at her eyes. Her cheeks were tear-stained.
"Does that matter?," she asked quietly. "You kept this from me this whole time. Through all of this. I told you the truth, and you promised to be there for me. And now I feel like these last 2 months have been a lie."
"Kate –" Castle was desperate not to lose her. He couldn't bear to let her walk out of his office, let alone his life.
She held up her hand. "No, I just... I need some time. I'm going to go to work, okay? I'll uh, see you tonight, when I get home."
"Please don't run away from this," he pleaded. "We can fix it, okay? Just because something bends doesn't mean it has to break."
She nodded sadly. "I know. But it can't just spring back to the way it was like that." She snapped her fingers lamely, barely making a sound. She silently unlocked the safe, removed her gun, and walked out of his office, lightly touching his hand as she passed him.
"Bye."
He just stood there and listened to her heels clack against the hardwood floor, the door open and then close. The second it closed, his legs gave out and he collapsed into a little heap on his office floor.
You're such a dumbass, he told himself.
About ten minutes later, he dragged himself up into the desk chair and opened a new Word document on his laptop. But then he stopped, and instead took out a piece of paper and a pen.
'Dear Kate,' he started. 'I know that you're angry…'
xxxx
At the precinct, Kate had just gotten off the elevator when she received a text from Lanie.
Lanie Parrish: Got new info on your vic, come down ASAP
She sighed and turned around, stepping back onto the elevator just before it closed. She felt that heavy, dragged down feeling that often accompanied her holing up in bed with some melancholy music and a hell of a lot of pain. It was going to be a long day.
When Kate got to the morgue, she was able to put on her façade for about ten minutes. She and Lanie were standing next to the body, and Lanie was lifting up the sheet near the victim's ankle to show her something when suddenly the façade slipped away and she went numb.
"So I was able to tell that he… Beckett?"
Kate looked at Lanie, who looked worried. "Huh?"
"You looked a little… upset. Are you okay?"
Beckett nodded, and faked a half-smile. "Yea- No. No, I'm not."
Lanie put her arm around Kate. "What's wrong, sweetie?"
Kate didn't want to go into the details, so she just said, "Rick and I had a fight."
"Ohh." Lanie pursed her lips, as if she was imagining which of her ME tools would be most painful to a living person. Before she could get any ideas, Kate just ran her hand through her hair and sighed, looking as tired and weighed-down as she did back when Castle was gone.
"It's ok, I'm sure we'll work it out…." She paused, because she honestly didn't know if that was true. "I just need some time."
"You sure?" Lanie was concerned. She had rarely ever seen Kate like this. She knew it took a lot to reduce Kate Beckett to faking smiles and admitting something was wrong.
"Yup."
"Okay, well if you need anything, let me know, okay honey?"
Kate plastered a half-smile on her face and nodded. "Okay."
Kate came home to an empty loft that night. It was about 10:30, and she remembered from yesterday that Alexis had gone to the Hamptons with some friends for the weekend. She heard footsteps, and braced herself for the possibility that it was Rick, but instead Martha came dancing down the stairs, holding black stilettos in her hand.
"Kate, darling!"
"Hey, Martha," Kate smiled. Martha was dressed to kill, complete with sparkles and plenty of bracelets. The older woman slipped into her heels.
"Sorry to leave you dear, but I just came back to change my outfit. Richard is at a party for Black Pawn, he wanted me to tell you that he is only going to stay as long as he has to. For a man who once used to be very social, he's becoming very domestic."
Kate shook her head and almost laughed. "I guess having a child does that to you."
"Oh no, my dear, Alexis certainly never dampened his social life. It's only been recently that he's stopped gallivanting about town into the wee hours. 3 years or so, I'd say."
Martha checked her clutch for her phone, then placed a kiss on Kate's cheek before heading to the doorway, waving her arms theatrically.
"Richard may be a homebody now, but someone in the family has to party. Have a good evening, darling!"
And just like that, leaving just a cloud of Chanel behind, she was gone. Kate had to laugh at Martha's energy. She had more energy and optimism than Kate most days. And speaking of, Kate was exhausted. She trudged into the bedroom, kicking her heels off and tossing her coat on the bed.
That's when she saw it: a piece of folded paper sitting on her pillow. She picked up the paper and unfolded it, immediately recognizing Rick's neat scrawl. It was a letter.
'Dear Kate,' it said. 'I know you're angry, but you have to understand that everything I do is protect you. What if you had known? If I told you everything, there is a very good chance that you wouldn't be alive right now. And you can be as upset with me as you want, but I never was and never will be willing to take that chance. You can't be so careless with your life when it matters to other people. This sounds selfish, but what would I do? If I lost you and you left a hole in my life, in my heart, that would never be filled? I had six weeks without you to be an empty shell, and that guy wasn't someone who would have lived like that forever. If you hadn't been alive, I would be gone by now. The only way I got through those weeks was the hope that every time a phone rang, it would be you. That every time I heard footsteps, they would be yours. So what if you slip away and I lose you forever? Would it have been worth it?
I want more than anything to find the man who is responsible for all the pain you've suffered, believe me. And we will find him. But until we know how to do it right, and until you're better and we are on a more solid ground, it needs to wait. So for now, please just be content with being your amazing self, with falling asleep in my arms every night and kicking the asses of all the bad guys in the city. Please.
I love you, so much. So much more than you may ever realize. –Rick'
She was at a loss for words. She sank down on the bed, re-reading the letter.
Wow.
Had she really let herself be blinded by her own stubbornness? She mentally kicked herself when she realized the answer to that question was a definite 'yes.'
And she had made him feel like it was his fault! He had only been trying to keep her safe, and she had reduced him to pleading, with that wounded-puppy look on his face. She had put him through hell, and hated herself for it.
There was really only one way to fix it: a good, old-fashioned apology. She owed him a HUGE one. Kate knew the best way to start earning Rick's forgiveness was go meet him at that party. But he hadn't left her his usual note saying where he was, and a book party for an exclusive publishing house like Black Pawn could be in over 100 places in the city. She remembered Rick saying it was for a new author Gina wanted him to endorse, a young guy. What was the name? Darren… Derek… Dylan! Dylan Mills.
Kate ran into the office and opened Rick's laptop. She smiled when the window asking for his password popped up. She typed in, "a-p-p-l-e-s," and in 10 seconds was searching for Dylan Mills's Facebook fan page. She found it, and the newest post told her exactly where she would find Castle.
Now all she had to do was change into something more party-appropriate. She pulled open the doors to the giant closet, only to find that all her dresses were in black dry-cleaning bags. She had to open at least 6 bags before she found the one she was looking for. A midnight-blue cocktail dress with a deep v-neck and a swishy skirt that stopped just a few inches below her knees. It was sleeveless, so she put her long gray trenchcoat on over it. 20 minutes later, she had slipped into her highest nude pumps, brushed her wavy hair and styled it half up, half down, and re-applied her eyeliner. The final touch was red lipstick. She tucked her phone and the address of the club the party was at into her coat pocket, and rushed downstairs to hail a cab.
As she sat in the back seat of the taxi, she crossed her fingers and prayed that he would forgive her.