Reading of dispair
Chapter sixteen: Judgement
Disclaimer: I do not own DB, DBZ, or DBGT.
Gohan sat in the arm chair next to Goku for what seemed like hours. When in reality it had only been thirty minutes. Jasmine had periodically checked on them to makes sure they were okay. However, Chichi was passed out on the couch still and Piccolo kept vigilant of the situation. Gohan's heart ached with imence sorrow from all that had transpired in his life. The Cell games, Goku leaving, finding out he had cancer, the miscarrage, Sky's death, having yet another surgery, being in the asaine asylum, the two arguments he had with his father, and now the curren situation, his father tried to commit suicide. He looked at his father's peacful sleeping face as he remembered all of the pain. His stomach begain to feel upset as he hadn't eaten anything sense he left the hospital.
It was noon, and Gohan hadn't a clue what to do next. He felt remorse for what he said at the hospital when Goku came back for another visit. He sat back in the chair as he closed his eyes recalling the memory.
Flashback
Gohan had been called down to the visitation room again. It was his last night there and so far, everyone had come to visit. He was feeling much better than what he had been but, no where near how he wanted to feel. He still shead tears over his lost sibling and Sky but he ruffed it out. So far he was feeling pretty decent. However, he didn't know who was coming to visit this time. Gohan sat in the chair at the table in the middle of the room waiting paitently for his guest. The door opened and to his superize Goku came walking in. He took a seat across from Gohan. There was an impenitrable silence before Goku spoke.
"Gohan, I want to fix things between us. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for hitting you the last time I was here. I just want you to feel better that's all. Tell me, what all have you been through?" He asked sencerilly.
"Simple, you left and came back four years later and expected to have my undying love and respect when you know damn well you lost it and don't deserve it. But that isn't all, when you were alive after you came back from Yardrat you ignored mom and me like hell to go train. For god's sake you wouldn't even touch her anymore. You basically neglected both of us! Not only that but I went into that hyperbolic time chamber to spend time with you during our trainning because I knew I was needed and for the most part I wouldn't be able to even see you at all sense all you ever did was train. Then the Cell games happened and I was stuck cleaning up your mess. For crying out loud, I have horrible nightmares and flash backs from it. Also I hear voices at night and get little to no sleep. Then after I killed Cell you could've came back but didn't, that's when I snapped and decided I had had enough!" Gohan calmly exclaimed while trying to keep his cool. He did not want a repeat of last time.
Goku sat there dumbfounded. If he knew that was how he felt, then he wouldn't have put so much pressure on him. He sat up never losing eye contact with him as he spoke.
"I'm sorry, I realized after Jaz told me the other night after my first time here I shouldn't have done that. She, your mother, and Piccolo laid into me hard after I returned and told them everything." Goku informed feeling nothing but guilt.
"I'm just getting started," Gohan continued as he sat up to relife the pressure on his tube," Then with you unneccissarily gone you stressed me out so bad that I ended up with Calife stomach cancer at eleven. Then two months later mom miscarried your second child because of the stress of me having cancer and you being gone. She would've been better off with you there to help her. While that was happening your tournament money ran out putting us into a financally tight spot. I had to get a job to suport us. I was working, taking care of mom, and helping around the house while I had cancer! You could've done all that but didn't, but I an eleven year old child with cancer can do all that were as a grown man at full health can't? That's pathedic in my opinion! Not only that I lost my girlfriend to the same cancer I have just recently. I could've use your help with those things and you weren't there!" Gohan replied sorrowfully.
"I had no idea that my choice would cause so much pain." Goku responded with his hand over his mouth. He swallowed a huge lump in his throat as he resisted the urge to cry.
"Yeah well ,it did. A lot of unneeded pain. Do you have any idea what it's like to have a needle jammed in your arm twice a week to test your blood? How about having one in your arm that releases radiation in your body to kill cancer cells inside of you? What about throwing up blood, pissing blood, and let's not forget shitting blood all the time. I cough and sneeze up blood occationally and have horrific chest and stomach pains so bad that I can't even get up in the morning. How about having to ware a damn diper at fifteen years old because you get so weak sometimes that you can't make it to the toilet on time? And try Having to feel like you're defenceless or going to die all the time every day of your life? And let's not even go there about the medicine I take. I have to drink a nasty medicine shake before I eat to keep my stomach from bleeding while I'm eatting. I have to be on a strict diet because of this. Not only that most of my favoriate foods I had to cut out of that diet. Sometimes I throw up unanounced and don't even feel it coming untill it just spews out. Then I also have to drink a special tea to calm my nausia so I don't vomit and I have a tube surgically embeded into my stomach. Do you know what the tube is for? It's for when I have to give myself a pain shot via needle. I have to put the needle in the tube so the syrum gets to the right place in my stomach. Then I have to change the tube once a week. While I change the tube people have to stand at least ten feet away from me so I don't get an airborne bactirial infection. I can't train anymore, I can't swim unless I go to an indoor pool. Even then I have to ware a special bandage over the tube because it could get infected if I get water in it. And on top of all that, I have PTSD (Post trumatic stress disorder) that causes me to have flash backs, nightmares, and hear voices. I'm so fucked up metally that I have to see a phycaiatrist every week. For god's sake, the only time I get any decent sleep is when I take my injection and it puts me out because the medicine is so potent. So, tell me. How would you think you'd handle that?"
Goku sat there with a look of pain and saddness on his face. He couldn't believe Gohan had expireanced so much pain. He wanted to be there for him but he knew he wasn't and that's what hurt Gohan the most. Then the thing that made Goku lose it entirely happened. Gohan begain to cry out his pain.
"Damn it, how could you? I needed you and you weren't there! You weren't there and I tainted my own soul hating you! Just like Aunt Jaz said I would! I should've listened to her! I should've listened, hero worship IS unhealthy but I did it anyway! I even played favoriates with you and mom! I sat there and favored you over her and it wasn't fair to her! I never asked much from you but, I needed a father not a hero or a teacher." Gohan sobbed with his head in his arms on the table.
Goku didn't know how to react except cry as he heard Gohan's shocking revealation. He left the place to go to Jasmine's house.
End of flashback.
Gohan sighed in defeat at the memory. He didn't expect this all to happen. Just then a sound caught his attention. He looked across the room to see a small radio on the table. Someone left it on but, the volume was low. But due to his saiyan hearing he could hear it perfectly. It was playing a song he often listened to when Sky sang it. She said it reminded her of everything Gohan told her about how he felt about his father. He listened to it and it brought him back to the time were she would take him to Allia's carioke dinner.
Somebody once told me that pain is a game we all gotta play.
Then why am I in over time and sudden death every other day?
I know before the good in life there's a price we all gotta pay.
But I'll pay till I'm poor and still don't know what it is to have a good day.
Sense everybody knows what it is I need do.
Well do me a favor.
Let me worry 'bout me and you worry 'bout you.
I don't need no one to put me down no more.
The ground can't get no lower.
And I don't need no one to hang around and make me frown.
It just makes me look older.
And I don't need no one to black my eyes and tell me lies.
Don't wanna cry over nobody else no no no.
I can do bad all by myself.
Somebody once told me that runnin' from the rain don't make no sense.
I've had my own dark cloud for a while now.
And it fallows where ever I'm goin' yeah.
They're tellin' me that the grass is much greener on the other side.
Well I don't wanna take a chance on dirt.
When I got grass.
Even though the grass has died.
Sense everyone knows what it is I need to do.
Well do me a favor.
Let me worry 'bout me and you worry 'bout you.
I don't need no one to put me down no more.
The ground can't get no lower.
And I don't need no one to hang around and make me frown.
It just makes me look older.
And I don't need no one to black my eyes and tell me lies.
Don't wanna cry over nobody else no no no.
I can do bad,
Don't waste time feeling bad for me.
I didn't ask you for your sympathy.
I know someone's watching over me.
So I guess this is where I'm supose to be.
I don't need no one to put me down no more.
The ground can't get no lower.
And I don't need no one to hang around and make me frown.
It just makes me look older.
And I don't need no one to black my eyes and tell me lies.
Don't wanna cry over over over nobody else.
'Cause I can do bad, all by myself.
As soon as the song ended Goku started to awake from his deep sleep. He looked around at his surroundings and spotted Gohan. They locked eyes for a moment, but neither had the courage to speek to the other.
What will happen next?
Thank you to my reviewers!
The judgement card means awakening or renewal.
The song that I used in this fic was called "I can do bad all by myself" by Mary J Blige.
Check it out on youtube Schubskie.
I'm a big Tyler Perry fan and the song was on his movie.
I can do bad all by myself.
Till next time:D