Reading of dispair

Chapter seventeen: Five of cups

Disclaimer: I do not own DB, DBZ, or DBGT.

The silence was unnerving. Even in that large guest room, it felt stiffling and small to Gohan. He looked into his father's half lidded eyes as they stared back at him. They still looked glazed over and cloudy as if they lacked life. Like the eyes of a dead man. He didn't know what to say to Goku, he just sat there like a deer in the head lights. After about fifteen minutes Goku finaly spoke.

"G...Gohan?" He managed to rasp but was weak from the over dose.

"Yeah, I'm right hear." Gohan whispered not knowing what els to say.

Goku's hand slowly but weakly reached up as if trying to grasp something. Gohan felt like he knew what he wanted and reached over to grab it. It had been a long time sense he held his father's hand. He felt such regret when he cussed him out at the hospital. Gohan closed his eyes feeling the guilt build up.

"Gohan, I'm sorry. I should've helped. I should've raised you more than I did. I should've loved you more than I did. I'm so sorry. You didn't do anything to desreve this." Goku whipered raspily.

Goku begain to cry, silently this time. It was shocking for Gohan to see him cry like this. A few tears ran from Goku's eyes as he kept eye contact with Gohan. His heart ached with regret so terribly he didn't think he could stand it. But before he could continue, Gohan spoke up.

"Why? Why did you do it?" Gohan asked in a strained but sorrowful voice.

"I caused so much pain, I may not have ment it but I don't deserve to live anymore. Espeically after what I did to you and your mother." Goku whispered regretfully.

Gohan couldn't believe this. His father was actually considering suicide as a way out. He was just giving up again just like he did before.

"So suicide is the answer? For god's sake Dad it's not! You're just giving up like you did after the Cell games! Wasn't that suicide as well? Choosing not to come back? I think it is. You're just running away from your problems and responsibilities. That is the true definition of a coward! A real man is supose to face his own problems and take care of his responsibilities. Didn't anyone teach you that? Dying is not the answer to anything. Why do you think I'm alive? It's because I didn't choose death, I chose to live." Gohan replied dissapointed.

"I wasn't tought very many things on being a good father. I never had that in life. I'm sorry, but after I let everything sink in I just don't wanna live anymore. I didn't even love you properly. I realized I took one of the most precious things in life for granted." Goku sniffed still letting the tears fall.

"Look, I'm livid and disapointed in you. But that doesn't mean I wanted you to kill yourself. All you had to do was give me time. If you would've succeded, then you would've lost all hope of ever fixing things with us. And I will not forgive a coward let alone respect one. Which leads me to believe that there was another reason why you chose to stay gone besides the planet's safty. Why did you really do it?" Gohan asked with a hint of anger.

Goku didn't know how to say it. He couldn't tell Gohan his secret. He would hate him even more. And that, was the last thing he wanted. He just wanted Gohan to love him again. He turned his head to the side and didn't respond. He begain to sob lightly as he hid from his son, too ashamed of what he had already done. Gohan got impaitent.

"So what, you're just going to run again? I came here because I felt responsible for you trying to commit suicide and you can't even answer my question? Stop running and face up will you! I'm tired of all this ghetto drama between you and me! If you want anything to change for the better between us then confess or I'll just leave. The call is yours to make. If you loved me or mom, then you'll do what's right. You've already caused enough unneeded shit as it is. Let's put a stop to it today. Things probably won't be the same as they were before but it's better than fighting all the time. There's other things in life besides fighting and I learned that from the love of my life." Gohan pushed trying to get Goku to open up.

Goku was amazed. He couldn't believe his own son just said that. That was when he realized that he made Gohan grow up way too fast. Slowly without turning his head he finally answered.

"You had a girlfriend?"

"Yes, her name was Sky. She was the girl I gave my heart and soul to. I even gave her my virginity just as she gave me hers,"Gohan choked as he continued his tale. " She died two weeks ago from the same cancer I have. She died when I spent the night at her house. I woke up to her cold dead corpse holding on to me. Could you imagine waking up to mom that way?"

"No, I couldn't. And...wait," Goku's head snapped back into Gohan's direction," You two had sex?" Goku exclaimed in shock.

Gohan's cheeks flushed," No, we made love! And yes, we used a condom every time. It happened when we were Fourteen." Gohan blurted out embarrassed.

Goku was shocked. He couldn't believe his little boy just lost his virginity. Just the thought alone of Gohan doing the deed was enough to make him fall on his ass if he could. Gohan was also shocked. He couldn't believe he was talking to his own father about sex. For god's sake, Vegeta gave him the sex talk!

" I can't believe I missed that. I wish I would've talked to you about sex. You must have been so confused." Goku stated drying his tears.

" No, not exactly. Vegeta explained what happens to saiyan boys during adolesence and yes, he gave me the old sex talk in well, very vivid detail." Gohan answered as he shuddeered.

" Vegeta did that? I guess he beat me at something after all. Not that I was in compatition with him or anything." Goku sighed in defeat.

"Don't worry, Sky and I kept track of her monthlies and my ruts so just in case the condom broke we wouldn't risk pregnancy. She wasn't healthy enough for a baby." Gohan replied.

"I didn't think so. Not with cancer." Goku stated.

"All though, we were greatful we did keep track of that. After all there was this one time the condom broke and we didn't know it till I pulled out. To be honest with you I should've known something wasn't right when it started feeling better than it usually did." Gohan mummble in embarrassment.

"! NO WAY! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT! !" Goku laughed trying to catch his breath.

Gohan's cheeks flushed as he clitched his fists," That's not funny dad!" He exclaimed.

"Yeah you're right it's not funny, it's freakin' histarical HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Goku smarted off.

"Damn it! I came in here to have a conversation with you to end the drama and you laugh!" Gohan stated aggervated.

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't help it." Goku apologized.

"Anyway you didn't answer my question. What was the other reason you stayed dead?" Gohan asked changing the topic.

Goku went silent before taking a deep breath,"I need to know before I answer that. Will you hate me because of this secret?"

"I don't know. Was it because you hated me for you having to teleport Cell off the planet causing your death or was you disapointed in me for not finishing him when you told me to?" Gohan asked feeling guilty.

"Gohan, my death wasn't your fault. I can already tell you're blaming yourself for it so stop that!" Goku demanded.

"How can I not feel guilty? I wanna know the truth. Did you stay in other world and use the planet's safty as a cover up to the real reason or was it because of this so called secret? I think mom and I desureve to know! I went around believing you hated me for your death and stayed dead out of shame and disapointment of me!" Gohan exclaimed trying to suppress the urge to cry.

He was beginning to tremble from the urge to cry coming along. The anticipation was killing him. Gohan just had to know! Goku looked at him in total shock. He couldn't believe Gohan felt that way.

"Gohan, I never hated you for that. You just had a moment of weekness. We all have them it's nothing to be ashamed of." Goku soothed trying to keep Gohan calm.

"I just have to know! The truth sets people free. Just set me free damn it! No matter how bad it hurts me!" Gohan cried.

"Gohan, this isn't easy for me to say. I knew how much you idolized me when you were younger and so I hid the truth from you because I was afriad you'd be disapointed in me and eventually hate me for it. That's been my biggest fear for years. To have you hate me. The secret is...I never knew how to be a good father. I never had anyone teach me. I was all alone for the most of my childhood after grampa Gohan died. Hell, I didn't even know what sex was until I married your mother. Then when she told me she was preganant I didn't even know what that ment either. Come to think of it, I've never seen an infant before until you were born. After your birth I was so lost. There was that time I tried to hold you when you were a baby and almost dropped you. I had no idea you were so fragile back then. Then there was the time I over fead you when you were a year old and it made you sick. I felt so bad for that. Slowly over time I finally admited to myself that I would never be a good father and just let your mother care for you untill you were older. For crying out loud I even left you unattended on the couch one day and you rolled off and hit the floor! I painiced! Luckily you were okay. I didn't trust myself around you until you were at least three! The whole reason why I wanted you to get out there and enjoy life was because I didn't want you to grow up clueless and stupid like me!" Goku ranted on as he burst into tears.

Gohan's eyes widened as he listened to everything. His heart clintched in pain as his father made that startling confession. He didn't know what to say to that. But it wasn't done there, Goku was just getting started.

"And, and...the reason why I stayed gone was because I felt so guilty for making you fight Cell that I didn't think I desureved you anymore. I put an eleven year old child, MY eleven year old child in horrible danger! I should've trained harder than what I did. So I could defeat Cell and come home to you and your mother. I felt ashamed that I used you as a tool a weapon to do MY job. I couldn't believe I was so irresponsible that I just left thinking you hated me for it. Then you told me about how fucked up you are mentally over it at the hospital and I felt even more ashamed. You should've been given better in life, and...I'm sorry I failed you. I'm the one that needs to be in the nut house not you!" Goku sobbed as he told the ugly truth.

A trail of tears formed on Gohan's cheeks as he rose from the chair and walked closer to his sobbing father. He stopped at the edge of the bed as he asked," Is that why you tried to kill yourself?"

Goku nodded in reply as he was too ashamed to look at his own son. But he was startled when he felt the bed sink in and Gohan wrapped his arms around his neck and placing his head on his chest. Goku looked down superized to see Gohan there, he really felt like he lost him for good. He tried to wrap his arms around him but failed due to how weak he was from his suicide attempt. Gohan saw this and helped him get into a more comfortable position.

"I don't hate you anymore dad. And I'm sorry too, for being so crule to you. We'll get you some help." Gohan whispered through tears as he gently kissed his cheek.

"You don't?"

Gohan shook his head,"No, I love you." He whispered.

"Why can't I move?" Goku asked.

"The Cardioflaxine you tried to over dose on caused some nerve damage that will go away in time. Your body ubsorbed a lot ove it before Aunt Jaz pumped your stomach. She told me as she came in here to check on you when I was watching you sleep. But it's okay I'll take care of you like I did mom when she was preganant and miscarried." Gohan explained.

"I bet she's real angry at me for using her heart meds to kill myself huh?"

"Yes, she was. She was so pissed she couldn't even see streght as she put it and she ordered a new perscription." Gohan replied.

Gohan got up to sit against the wall behind Goku's head and he pulled him up to where his head was on his chest. He stroked his hair and held him just like Sky use to do for him. Then Gohan's tail came up to wrap around Goku's bicep.

"Never ran away from anything I've dealt with for these past four years, so neither should you. Please don't run from this challenge to recover dad. Don't give up again." Gohan whispered to him.

"I won't, I promise. And I plan on keeping it. I love you Gohan." Goku whispered with a smile on his face as he closed his eyes and drifted back into a peaceful slumber.

Just then Gohan remembered the radio was still on and it was finishing the end of the perfect song for this moment.

I promise you.

That I'll be there.

When your heart is filled with sorrow and dispair.

I'll carry you.

When you need a friend.

You'll find my foot prints in the sand.

Gohan smiled as he let his eyes slide shut as he repeated the verse to Goku.

"I promise you, that I'll be there. When your heart is filled with sorrow and dispair. I'll carry you when you need a friend, You'll find my foot prints in the sand." Gohan softly sang as he too was claimed by peacful sleep.

There how was that?

Thanks again to my reviewers.

But it isn't over yet! Just one more chapter.

The song verse I used came from the song "Foot prints in the sand" by Leona louis

Youtube it Schubskie!

See ya later :D

BTW Five of cups means regret.