A.N:/ I have currently entered a mode known as: "SH*T IT'S EXAMS!" and I thus need something to calm my nerves. I've learned from past experience that taking the time I'm supposed to be using to study and instead using it to write fanfictions is beneficial to my health and detrimental to my marks. In case you haven't noticed yet I care more about myself and Zutara than I do about whether I'm going to get a job one day :P
I've wanted to write this one for quite a while now. The song just fits so nicely, and I have a soft spot for New Found Glory. Be warned though that it has no original plot whatsoever. Heck, it hardly has a plot at all, original or not. It's just a conglomerate of Zutara-ness.
This one is dedicated to everybody out there reading it. Yes, that means YOU! *hug*
Disclaimers: I do not, sadly, own ATLA in any way. It belongs to Bryke.
"All Downhill From Here" belongs to New Found Glory.
All Downhill From Here
You're hiding something, 'cause it's burning through your eyes
I try to get it out, but all I hear from you are lies
Katara had always thought she was able to read him. He was their tormentor; hell-bent on tearing them apart and causing them as much pain, suffering and fear as he could. He was their enemy, the one who was there at every turn and the one who betrayed them when they needed him most. She had been so sure that was all he was; that was all she'd ever see in those abnormal eyes.
But now she was forced to admit she was wrong. Ever since he'd joined them at the Western Air Temple she saw there was much more to him than she had brushed him off to be before. But still, she could read most of the emotions that filtered across his face. Anger. Frustration. Guilt. Sometimes even sadness. And the look. The one she would catch him giving her every now and again when nobody else was paying attention. The look that made her heart thud, her palms sweat and her mouth go as dry as desert sand. It was a look that spoke of more emotion than she'd ever seen in one person's eyes before. It was a look that both terrified and enthralled her at the same time.
It was a look he was giving her right then.
She tried to look away from the golden eyes that were boring into her and failed. She found that the next breath she took was shaky and that her fingers were trembling for some bizarre reason. Was she shaking because she knew, deep down, that that look Zuko was giving her meant danger? No… The look was not one of violence. It was one of hidden emotions and thoughts; emotions that wanted to burst free of his careful hold and were consequently causing his eyes to burn. Not in the same way they did when he was bending, but close. Very close. Whatever he was hiding, it was big and it caused her to tremble.
"What?" She hated the fact that her voice came out shaking too.
"Nothing," Zuko replied slowly, still not looking away from her.
Liar, her brain hissed. She didn't have to be Toph to figure that one out. A frown furrowed her face.
"No, not nothing. Tell me. Why do you keep looking at me like that?"
Zuko shrugged in an almost nonchalant way. "I was simply staring and you happened to be in my range of sight. Other times I watch you to make sure you're not about to attack me."
Rage boiled in her blood. Fire Nation scum… How dare he! She let him stay there, in the same place as Aang. She let him eat the food she made. She didn't outwardly tell him how much she hated him. Well, not all the time, anyway. And yet all he did was lie to her. More and more lies…
And I can tell you're going through the motions
I figured you were acting out your part
Once again, we're playing off emotion
Which one of us will burn until the end?
Katara watched him the next couple of days even more closely. Every time she caught him looking at her that way she'd ask him why, and every time he'd find an excuse. It frustrated her and infuriated her and caused her to snap at him even more often than she had. The others thought she was still just distrustful because of Ba Sing Se, but it ran much deeper. He was proving himself distrustful then. And, above even that, she wanted the truth.
As she watched him, she picked up a pattern in his behavior. Whenever it came to her his body language changed, and he seemed to shut off, in a way. After only a short while she understood what it meant; he was acting without feeling. It was as though whenever he came into close contact with her he suddenly followed a script of a part he thought he was supposed to play. He remained aloof to her, even though he warmed to the others very fast. Even Sokka, who had hated Zuko's guts as much as she had, now viewed the banished prince as one of them. He seemed easy around them; smiling more than she had ever thought possible for him. But as soon as she stepped into the room he entirely closed off until she left. Or until she caught him looking at her like that again.
Then she made another discovery: she was not the only one who caused Zuko to act like that.
"Hey Zuko?" Sokka took the Firebender's grunt to mean a yes. "Do you think Mai will still want you after al this is over?"
"Sokka!" Suki looked reproachful.
"What? I'm just asking… He doesn't mind."
Zuko remained silent, but it was a thoughtful silence. His reply had taken a long time to come, and when it had it had piqued Katara's interest at once. Not because of what it was; he simply stated that he'd try and see what happened. No, the reason she literally sat up when he said it was because of the way it left the Firebender's mouth. Wooden. Emotionless. Like a badly delivered line. When it came to Mai, Zuko did the same as he did with Katara: he just went through the motions without actually living them. Somehow this made her feel a whole lot better.
After that discovery she started acting more civil towards Zuko as she tried to break the pattern he'd created. But no matter what she did, he remained stoic. She got frustrated by his lack of response, until the thought hit her that maybe he was doing it for a very good reason. Because if it came out… Well who knew what it would bring? She stopped baiting him, and a new agreement was silently formed between Waterbender and Firebender. They would pretend the other was nothing more than a part of the temple wall. They pushed away all emotion when it came to each other. Katara found this easy to slip into; ignorance was so much better than having to come to terms with exactly what Zuko was to her. But she couldn't help but wonder, when she caught the look directed at her, who it was going to affect the longest.
Catalyst, you insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it's all downhill from here
And it's all downhill from here
When the silent agreement between them had been going on for a while, Katara found she had another thing to admit to herself: even though she pretended to have no emotions when it concerned the Firebender he still affected her moods. He was the catalyst to her temper most of the time and seemed to know exactly which buttons to push. Part of his script on how to act around her seemed to consist of jabbing remarks muttered under his breath or stubborn contradictions to all of her arguments. It made her blood boil and her hand itch to slap him. Sometimes the itch was rewarded, but it never satisfied her as he never looked remorseful at all. It was as if he wanted to bring her down to his level. It was as if, now that he knew he could get away with playing a part around her, he wanted to make her hate him all over again. She caught the little smug smiles on his face every time she snapped at him, and they made her have to grind her teeth to keep her words in. She had let him have his way: let him lie to her about the looks, let him make her worth nothing more than just going through motions, let him tell her how to act around him. And now that she had, his payback was to make her feel unwanted in his little world. Things were heading towards a confrontation, she could feel it… Everything was going downhill…
Your good intentions slowly turn to bitterness
Reoccurring episodes with each and every kiss
Zuko could tell she was doing it only for him. He watched her every time Aang smiled his lovesick-puppy grin; saw how her answering smile faded as soon as he looked away. He could tell she didn't want to hurt him with her rejection. She was just like that; she had a motherly personality. That and she probably thought that there was no way Aang would be able to save the world if his heart was broken in two. So she let him hold her hand, let him brush her cheek and shoulders when they were bending together, let him nuzzle her neck and even kiss her. But he could see plainly that it was out of the want to protect him and not out of genuine feelings.
And he knew that it would end up eating at her. He and Jin hadn't gotten that far, and yet the emotions had still been there; she would begin to detest the lies she was letting Aang tell. And, sure enough, he saw it happen. Whenever his lips touched hers it took a while for her to close her eyes and kiss him back. After he left, her face took on a look that was definitely not happy. It worsened as the days wore on; her bitterness grew. He could see the questions plague her; why was she doing it? Why didn't she tell him the truth? What could she do to make it stop without hurting him? If things had been different, he might have laughed at the situation. All she'd wanted was to make him happy because he was part of her family. But instead all she caused was resentment towards him because he was smothering her in his unrequited love.
And I can tell you're going through the motions
I figured you were acting out your part
Once again, we're playing off emotion
Which one of us will burn until the end?
But still she would not break it to him. He waited for the day it would become too much and she'd snap, but it never came. He got into some sticky situations when he was found watching her and Aang together, but he was able to shrug them all off. It bothered him, though. More than he wanted to admit. Why was she enduring the suffering the false relationship obviously was to her? Why was she letting Aang have his way every time, even though each kiss disgusted her just a little bit more? He wanted to grab her and yell at her, make her stand up to the little boy the way she stood up to him. But he couldn't do that, he knew. He longed to, but he could not. The same as he could not tell her the other reasons he looked at her with hidden emotions he was sure burned through his eyes. It just wouldn't work.
So he did what she did: he started acting around her. He hid all emotions from her and said only the most basic of things. He was relieved when she decided to do the same to him; it made his acting so much easier. But still, he found himself looking at her and watching her and Aang. And still, he found himself thinking the same thoughts and wanting the same things. To his horror he realized, one day, that what he was doing to Katara was the same thing she was doing to Aang. Pretending. Acting out a part. And he really couldn't help but wonder who the false emotions would hurt the most in the end: him or her.
Catalyst, you insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it's all downhill from here
And it's all downhill from here
He couldn't stop himself after his revelation; he had to loosen his hold on his emotions a bit to tease her again. The first time he'd shot a comeback at her again he'd seen the relief mixed with the anger; she'd missed his baiting. She abandoned their emotion truce as soon as he began jabbing at her again. She allowed herself to get mad at him, and he realized how much he'd missed the blue fire her eyes became when she was angry. He also found himself being very proud that it was he who made her react in a natural way while she continued to act around Aang. He tried to hide his smugness, but he was sure she saw it.
The return of their arguments had a negative side, of course. She started acting like she didn't want him around any more. At least, he hoped it was acting. She'd seemed fine with him before but now she screamed at him to leave almost all the time. And despite the face that he told himself he didn't care, her contradictions hurt him. He found himself getting really mad at her, and couldn't reign in his temper most of the time. And it was getting worse, he could feel it. Things were heading downhill to the mother of all confrontations…
And I can't believe you pulled it off again
Still, through it all, she continued to pretend she loved Aang. He fumed silently as he stood in the shadow of a tree and watched them. She let him show off for her, smiling gently at his juggling act. And when he kissed her, she managed to smile at him and not let him see the way her face twisted as he left.
Or notice 'til it all sets in
Katara could feel his eyes on the back of her neck as she watched Aang head back to the temple. She wanted to turn around and demand to know why he was spying on them, but somehow she couldn't bring herself to turn around. She knew that when she did his eyes would stop burning and they would close off. She didn't want that to happen. He seemed to notice everything, but once what he saw set in he would shrug it off and play his part again.
You'll deny it 'til you're at your bitter end
They both knew that the true emotions of the other would remain hidden until the very end.
And I can tell you're going through the motions
I figured you were acting out your part
Once again, we're playing off emotion
Which one of us will burn until the end?
She was the first one to snap.
"What gives you the right to spy on us?"
The coverage of the tree was futile now and so he moved out from behind it and stood just behind her, arms folded as he was forced to look at her back. The tension made both of their hearts pick up speed. The air was thick with lies and hidden emotions and the promise of the confrontation finally happening after days of building up.
"I didn't think you'd mind; it's not like anything is real."
She felt her stomach turn to ice. He knew. How did he know?
Catalyst, you insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it's all downhill from here
And it's all downhill from here
"You don't know what you're talking about," she answered, her voice trembling.
He snorted. "You don't love him, Katara. A blind man could see that. In fact, I'm pretty sure Toph does see that."
She whirled around to face him but for a second couldn't talk; his eyes were burning much more intensely than she had ever seen them burn. She grit her teeth and forced her anger back.
"Oh so now that you've got Mai you're suddenly an expert?"
A shadow crossed his face. "I don't have Mai," he said quietly. "I broke up with her, remember?"
"Like that makes any difference," Katara scoffed.
His mouth hardened and he took a step towards her.
"Why are you so afraid to tell him the truth? I can tell how much you hate the lies you have to tell."
"Says you, you hypocrite! You can't even face me with true emotions!"
"You're changing the subject! Why won't you tell him?"
"This has n-"
"Katara! Why won't you tell him?"
The dam of lies and pent up emotions finally broke.
"Because!" she bellowed, furious and sad and guilty all at once. "Because I can't bear to hurt him! Because it's safe to love him. It's safe to love him, not like loving you!"
Silence shivered between them, and it was so complete that neither of them even breathed. Gold eyes stared into blue as two hearts thudded erratically. Then a blush seeped into Katara's cheeks and mortification colored her eyes.
"I didn't mean that," she whispered.
"Yes you did," Zuko whispered.
"I don't love you. I hate you."
"No, you don't."
"I want you gone. You and your stupid burning eyes and your complicated nature and your warmth…"
"Katara…"
"… and your emotionless acting around me as if I'm not good enough to see the real you…"
"Katara." He was suddenly gripping her shoulders. "Shut. Up."
And you keep pulling me down!
Their lips fit perfectly together, liked they'd been created for that sole purpose. His were warmer and stronger than Aang's. Hers were softer and more loving than Mai's.
Pulling me down
She didn't know how her back ended up against the tree, or how her hair had mysteriously come loose from its binding. All she could feel was his fingers running through her hair wildly, like he owned it. Aang was always hesitant and shy, not wanting to violate her. Zuko was violating her. He was forcing his dominance on her; pushing her up against the tree. He was kissing her neck wildly without asking, combing his fingers through her hair roughly, biting her ear without so much as asking … He was violating her. And spirits, did it feel good.
Pulling me down
He had never imagined she would smell that good. He was sorry when the smell of bark overwhelmed her personal smell and was going to pull her away again when her legs curled around her and he decided that the smelling could wait. Her hair was softer than he'd imagined as it wove through his fingers again and again and her fingers scrunched against his neck gave the muscles there a very pleasant feeling. He almost laughed at the little squeak she made when he bit her ear, but couldn't bring himself to take his lips away so the sound could come out. Agni, it was going to be hard to keep the way he felt about her bottled up now… Forget it threatening to burn through his eyes, he'd be alight with it now…
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it's all downhill from here
And it's all downhill from here
Katara was left to sink to the ground at the foot of the tree. She could tell her eyes were huge, and every nerve in her body tingled. She wanted him to come back and kiss her again, this time more violently. She wanted his lips to force hers open and… She put her head on her knees and drew a shaky breath.