Here we go...
Tori's POV:
The shuffle of Robbie's feet dies into the night.
My heart shudders as I linger in doorway, unable to pull myself one way or another. At the sound of my Mom's wail, my feet suddenly engage, carrying me towards her. The doctor speaks through an alien tongue, using terms that I don't fully understand. Mom nods through her tears, evidently whatever he's saying isn't good news.
Chewing on my bottom lip as the Doctor whirls around, I fumble through my mind, searching for the right words to comfort my Mom. My tongue flails uselessly in the bottom of my mouth as the Doctor disappears through the door and into the night. No reassuring words pass my lips and simply I stand next to Mom, lost in a daze. I'm rooted in place, my mind refusing to latch onto anything resembling a coherent thought as I peer down at Trina.
"How are you, sweetie?" Mom's voice drags me out of the haze of my thoughts. A lump forming in my throat, I lift my head and the weary face of my mother comes into view. My stomach lurches as I take in the tired lines over Mom's face, her eyes rest deep within her skull, giving her the appearance of somebody much older than herself.
"I'm fine Mom. How are…Are you ok?" I hold the waver out of my voice, carefully articulating each word, carefully making sure my tone doesn't falter. Mom's lips flicker upward, a tense smile crossing her lips. I slide a hand through my hair, flicking it away from my eyes. Mom's lips part, a question dying on her lips as silence descends upon us.
"I'm fine…I'll be fine." Mom states eventually, nodding slightly with each word, like she's trying to convince herself of their veracity. I raise my eyebrows at her, openly questioning my Mom. Her eyes flicker away from me, falling on Trina's prone form with a shudder. I find myself gravitating towards her, my arm shooting out and tugging my Mom towards me with a one armed hug. I guess it's supposed to hold us together.
"Do you know what happened?" I ask, peeking up at Mom, wondering if it's safe to each broach the subject. Her expression falls further as she lowers herself into a chair behind us. I follow her lead, collapsing in a seat to her left, never quite letting Trina leave my gaze. A loud breath rattles from Mom, she raises a hand to her face, teeth coming down on a knuckle as her mind ticks over. It's a familiar habit, one that almost never means anything good is on the horizon.
"Do you really want to know?" The words stutter forth, navigating around Mom's hand and drifting towards me. I pat Mom's back, dragging air into my lungs and gritting my teeth, forcing the urge to cry into the pit of my stomach.
"I guess so…" I mumble, doubt creeping into my words at the grave expression on Mom's face. Her eyes meet my own once more, her eyebrows set heavily over her eyes and something within her eyes darkens, bringing a chill to my bones.
"Trina wasn't in her right mind and ended up crashing into a power pole, the Doctors had to pump her stomach. They're not sure when she will wake up and they're not sure what sort of state her mind will be in once she does." Mom's voice opens a wound; the reality of why we're here is salt being poured in. Each passing word deepens the wound, tearing at our already fragile seams. Mom's gaze drifts to the other side of the room, her eyelids flutter and I know that she's fighting tears.
Our conversation collapses under the weight of silence; Mom and I linger within our seats, as if waiting for a movement from Trina to jar us into action. The air lingers around us, thick with tension as I chew on the inside of my lip. Steal a glance at Mom, I see her eyelids flicker, the need for sleep threatening to drag them down.
"You should go and get some rest Mom, you've been up since 3am. Come back tomorrow." I state, my eyes running over the heavy bags beneath her eyes. She inhales deeply, spluttering lightly into her hand as the breath catches in her throat. Even now, she's desperately trying to pry her eyes open, to show that she's fully awake.
"What about school?" I swallow as Mom's gaze returns to me, her questioning tone making me feel as though I'm under a microscope. Wilting slightly, I realize her mind has stumbled upon a reason that she should be the one to stay her. My mind quickly shuffles through how much I've done on each of my assignments, eventually producing an ace.
"I'm ahead in most of my classes, Mom. I'll be fine to stay here, if you're that worried, bring my laptop with you before work tomorrow. I've got my phone so I can let you know if anything changes." I reach into my pocket, producing my phone and dangling it from my fingers between us. Mom heaves a sigh at my response, the questions within her faltering and succumbing to fatigue.
"Are you sure?" Mom asks, eyelids fluttering open once more as her eyebrows arch thoughtfully. I can almost see the cogs turning within her mind, weighing up the various possible outcomes and possibilities that could arise if she leaves.
"I'm sure. Go, go!" I drag the sadness from my tone, injecting vigor and enthusiasm in the void created. Mom frowns slightly, her eyebrows dragging down and meeting her nose. For moment I expect her to change her mind completely and send me packing, before enduring a sleepless night at Trina's bedside.
"Mom, go and get some rest, you need it." The air rushes from Mom, her chest deflating at the realization that I'm right. The frown on her lips deepens, though she peels herself out of the seat next to me. I haul my own tired limbs into a standing position, wrapping my arms around Mom.
"I love you honey both. I'll see you in the morning." Mom's words flutter through the air, like a bird with a broke wing. I simply nod slightly; afraid any great movement will free the tears that are burning up behind my eyes. Mom lingers in the doorway for a few more moments before screwing her eyes shut and whirling around, exiting in just the same way the Doctor had.
Without Mom, without Robbie, without anybody else around, the shadows grow longer and the darkness feels heavier. I collapse into my seat, my hair tumbling across my eyes as I slump listlessly into place. My eyes fall to Trina, thoughts of just how she ended up here playing before my eyes like a demented home movie. Out of the corner of my eye, Trina's arm twitches. Chewing on the inside of my lip, I feel my pulse quicken, anxiety filling me as I see Trina's fingers flicker, clenching on something that isn't there for a brief moment.
"Trina…can you hear me?" I whisper, flattening my palms against my knees and leaning forward hesitantly. Even if she had answered me, I don't know that I would have heard her over the beat of my heart. Sweeping hair behind my air, I try in vain to calm the organ thumping within my chest. Sinking back into my chair, I wonder if maybe my mind is beginning to play tricks on me.
"I can hear you." The words are faint; my ears strain to even pick them up at all. It's not until I register the movement of Trina's head and see her staring back at me that I realize she's conscious. My body shoots into motion immediately, my hips swivel and my feet are planted, ready push off and carry me towards a Doctor. Then weakened muscles carry the ghost of a touch toward my wrist, ensnaring me in the loosest of grips.
"Just stay." Trina's words shudder, catching within her mouth and stumbling forth limply. My throat refuses to budge when I attempt to swallow my fear, to suppress the urge to yank my arm away from Trina. Movement dies out and I seize in place, eyes firmly planted on Trina. Blinking up at me from between the bandages and the beneath the scars that crisscross her face is something I've never seen from Trina.
Regret.
"Uh, ok. Do you need anything?" The words claw their way up my throat, skittering through my lips in a rasp. I fall back into my seat, the shadows engulphing me once more. Tina turns away from me, staring up at the ceiling.
"No." Trina mutters, sounding quieter than I think I've ever heard her. I wonder if her throat was injured during the accident or if it could be something else. I chew the inside of my cheek, unsure of just how to alleviate the silence between us. The tension between us is only exasperated by the beep of Trina's heart monitor, it's steady beat only serving to remind us how slow the passage of time has become.
"Why are you here? Why are you bothering with me?" Trina's voice is choppy, coming in spurts as she fights with every word. My forehead creases in concern as I watch her attempt to draw in a breath, only to spasm with a coughing fit. My lips pull into a thin line as I focus all of my energy on holding myself together, to hold my heart together at the pathetic figure of my sister.
"You're my sister." My attempt to keep the words soft and comforting is frayed, sadness creeping into my voice. Trina's eyes lock with my own for the briefest of glances, before they screw shut once more. A loud sob reverberates throughout the room as tears begin to spill down Trina's cheeks.
"What's wrong?" I ask, leaping from my seat and placing my hands on Trina's arm. She shrinks back at my touch, like she's trying to disappear into her bed. Searching her expression for disgust, annoyance, anything reason to pull away, I only see a worried look on her face. Her eyebrows are upturned her bottom lip is quivering at she struggles to suppress the tears that just won't stop flowing.
"It's just…I'm sorry, ok." The words come without ceremony, without any sense of grandeur as they would in movie. I shift my weight from foot to foot, my eyes skirting around the room, failing to meet Trina's gaze. Screwing my eyes shut, there's no relief, I fall into some sort of twisted daydream. Trina's apology mixing with her actions on Friday, melding together into a warped reality where she's hitting me and apologizing, cradling me close and telling me how much she hates me.
"I'm…it's fine." Eventually I drag myself out of my waking nightmare and shift my gaze to Trina. The words clatter uncertainly from my lips, the confusion in my mind translating to the broken nature of my words. Trina watches me nervously, her chest rising and falling rapidly as I speak. Silence falls over us once more, and after a few moments, I return to my seat, satisfied Trina has calmed slightly.
"Seriously, I'm sorry." She reiterates after a few moments, her head rolling over and bringing me into her line of vision. I feel my throat tighten as uncertainty grips me. There are so many questions on the tip of my tongue, so many things I need answers to. I just don't know if this is the right place to have this conversation. A little voice in the back of my mind wonders if there's any sort of place that's ideal for this topic.
"I…why did you do it?" I choke out the words through a sob. The façade I've been desperately clinging to since Trina's eye first fluttered open, crumbling around me. I feel hot tears roll down my cheeks and it's almost as if my body feels exactly as it did on that night. Trina grimaces at my words, though I think she may have been expecting them, since she inhales deeply and nods slightly.
"At Derrick's party?" Trina wonders out loud, her tongue wetting her lips before her purses them in thought. The question lingers between us, though I know she's asking herself more than she's asking me. I simply nod slightly, desperately trying to ground myself, to stay in this moment and drift away into painful memories.
"I honestly don't remember doing anything." My eyes blow open at her revelation, my mind filling with all new questions. Trina's gaze shifts to the ceiling abruptly as the shock on my face become evident to her. My jaw hangs limply, words pool within my mouth but can't bring myself to vocalize them.
"Then why did you say sorry?" I try to keep the accusation out of my tone, as much as I want to demand answers, to shine a spotlight on Trina and to interrogate her, she's just not strong enough. My eyebrows sit heavily against my eyes, suspicion lingering within me. Trina's head lolls to the side; once again her eyes show regret. It's such a foreign emotion on her face.
"I don't remember it happening, but I've heard it did." She replies, the words straining to reach my ears, to be heard over the ambience of the room. Trina's eyes once again dart away from my gaze as confusion clouds my eyes once again. As cross my arms and lean towards her, I wonder how exactly she knows what happened.
"Why don't you remember?" Before I can stop myself, the words splutter forth, sinking into Trina like daggers. She flinches heavily, before groaning in pain and collapsing into her pillow. My throat tightens in a tangible expression of the guilt I feel for forcing the issue, for not keeping my emotions in check.
"That fucker…" I'm drifting through a fog of self-pity and feeling like a terrible person when Trina's abrupt words slice through the night's air before silence crashes over us once more. My gaze rises, following the gentle slope of her arm as it points towards Cat's brother. He's still unconscious, giving no indication that Trina's words have registered with him.
"…I got some shit off him." Trina concludes with a grimace, her eyes glazing over as she seemingly loses herself in what few memories she does have. My arms uncross and I flatten my palms over my thighs, sweeping them over my jeans, as though it will sweep Trina's admission away. Nothing can wipe it away though; she's done something stupid, something reckless. I feel my pulse quicken, anger rushing through my veins as I wonder if she realizes what this will do to our parents.
"What shit?" I ask, fully realizing she means drugs of some sort. I find my eyebrows dragging toward my nose as my nails begin to dig into my legs. I don't even bother to hide the disgust from my voice, after all of the sacrifices Mom and Dad made to put us through Hollywood Arts, Trina is just going to throw is away chasing a high that's never going to be enough.
"Uh, coke mostly. Probably other stuff when I was too out of it to remember." Trina answers lamely, her voice wavering as fresh tears spring from her eyes, pooling on her pillow. My stern expression begins to waver, the junkie that had filled my vision only seconds ago begins to disappear, my sister taking their place.
"Why?" The word lingers heavily between us, filling the air like a malignant mist. Trina screws her eyes shut, her mouth opening and closing as though she's attempting to translate her emotions into words, but the space between them is just too much.
"I don't know…I just…" The words fumble from her mouth, skittering uncertainly through the air as she huffs angrily, frustrated at her inability to vocalize what's in her head. A long silence fills the room for what feels like the millionth time, though I don't dare to break it. Trina's lip quivers, as though she's trying to force herself to speak again.
"I wanted an escape, ok." The words crumble forth and Trina lays against the pillow again, closing her eyes in silent contemplation. My tongue slumps against the bottom of my mouth, paralyzed by Trina's admission. I lean forward once more, extending my arms and cradling her hand in my own.
"From what?" The words splutter forth, once again crashing through my lips before I know what I'm doing. Trina flinches as the sound reaches her ears, trying to drag her hand from my grip. I tighten my grip ever so slightly, willing her to realize I'm not letting go of her, literally or figuratively.
"Life, school, everything." She replies, absently raising her other hand and running her eyes over the tubes protruding from it. The casual tone in her voice is betrayed by the way her eyes flicker away from me, by the pain that clouds her usually vibrant chocolate colored eyes.
"W-why?" I can't hold myself together any longer, I'm tearing at the seams and I feel a familiar acidic sensation trailing down my cheeks. I'm a step away from total collapse when I feel Trina's fingers curl around my own, pulling me back from the brink.
"It's just, I'm tired. I can't handle acting like I'm going to make it anymore. It's too much. You can only get rejected at a casting call so many times, before it starts to destroy you, Tori." Trina's hides her pain well, though the cracks within her voice are wide enough for me to peek within the walls she's so carefully built, to see what it's really like inside her. It's a dark place, hope has long since packed it's bags and left, the sun has long since left the skies, leaving only a trail of white powder in it's wake.
"Trina…" My voice shudders through the air, faltering between ragged breaths. At the sound of my voice, Trina's eyes harden, like she's heard the tone before.
"I know, you're sorry. I've heard that one before." She laments, lips curling upwards insincerely, the specter of her acting experience looming at the edges of her mouth. I stumble through my mind, wishing I could tell her she's wrong, that I have something more worthwhile to say. The silence is damning, guilt seeping into me with each passing second.
"Can you get me a drink?" The sudden tenderness in her voice catches me off guard, so I nod dumbly. My jaw hangs uselessly as I pull myself upwards. I wander out of the room and into the hallway, still lost in a haze. I can just barely believe this is real, that my sisters in hospital because of the brother of one of my best friends, because of her drug habit. I'm halfway down the hallway wandering towards the cafeteria when I suddenly collide with somebody coming from the other direction. Evidently, I had been traveling much faster, I find myself tumbling forward with my eyes screwed tight as I brace for the impact. I land atop them with a groan, our bodies merely a heap of tangled limbs. Grimacing, my eyes flutter open coming to rest on the person I had collided with.
"Robbie!"
Yesh, I know where's the fluff? Where's the Rori?
Believe me, I miss it too. This chapter was super hard to write, but needed to be done.
I've already got a super fluffy next chapter at the ready. So you know, leave an avalanche of reviews and in exchange, maybe I'll leave you an avalanche of fluff tomorrow... ;)