AN: I'm not happy with this one; I really feel I could have done so much better. After working on it for a week straight, however, I was finally forced to concede defeat. I think perhaps it's because my writing has become even worse this year (yeah, that's actually possible, it seems) and because this song is just so great on its own and so Zutara that it was difficult to write anything that could match it.
Despite that, this is a birthday present for the wonderful LitaTheStoryteller, who really has just been there since the very beginning. Happy birthday, dearest. Hope this is okay =]
Do yourselves a favour and listen to this song sometime. I heard it once and I fell in love with it. To clear up confusion: The fic is written from Katara's POV and the lyrics are Zuko's POV of the same situation. Because I can't write consistently in Zuko's voice. Gah.
Warnings: Bad plotline, confusing format, probable typos because I changed so much so often and this is very, very probably AU with hints of spoilers for The Promise books.
Disclaimer: Avatar: The Last Airbender belongs to Bryke and Nickelodeon.
This fic belongs to Lita.
Twisted belongs to CrashCarBurn.
Twisted
Katara had grown up in a place where the stars bejeweled the sky so spectacularly that no other light was needed when walking at night. Somehow the stars in all the other places in the world – even in the North Pole – never quite compared with the millions of sparkling gems that had watched over her while she was growing up. That night, however, the sky was clear enough for the stars above her to almost compete with those back home.
The night was cold but the light and the stillness and the beauty outweighed the chill and pulled her feet along the shore for a walk that lasted minutes and hours all at once. The Waterbender lost sense of time and space as she walked, head tilted skywards, captivated by the heavens. As the time wore on the clarity of the sky was interrupted by clouds that started off small and wispy but grew in size and frequency the longer she walked. It almost felt as though she were walking straight into a storm. She didn't stop.
Her feet led her to the start of a cliff and, obediently, she climbed to the top. Her journey brought her to rolls of green grass that seemed frozen in the frigid air and a view of the vast, inky ocean that stretched endlessly around the world. The sight and smell of the sea pulled her forward, lulling the problems that life had thrown at her to sleep. She was almost at the edge of the cliff before she noticed she was not as alone as she thought.
Movement to her right caught the corner of her eye and her gaze snapped around instantly, scanning the rockier edge of the cliff quickly. Her eyes fell on a familiar figure draped in familiar red and she felt more at ease and more tense all at once. Zuko's back was turned to her but she could still discern his movements: every bit of him was still except for his right hand which was methodically rubbing a circle on his torso. Katara's heart twisted at the sight; she'd healed the exact spot he was kneading enough times to know instantly why it was hurting him. Memories of sheer panic bathed in blue light tugged at the corners of her mind, finally forcing her feet forward despite lingering misgivings.
He heard her approaching and he whipped around, hands ready to bend and eyes blazing fire. She faltered for a second but then pressed on, meeting his gaze even as her heart began to pound unnaturally fast. Zuko said nothing, but his gaze – sharpened by the dark circles that ringed his eyes – did not soften. Yearning for something to break the tension with, Katara opened her mouth to tease him but was forced to swallow her words when he broke the silence instead.
"Whatever he's sent you here to say, I don't want to hear it."
Her insides clenched. "I'm not here because Aang sent me, Zuko. I'm on your side about the Harmony Restoration Movement now that I've seen…I'm here because I… I want to be."
It was a cold night out at the west cliff
No there was nothing but the sound of air between us
Still his gaze did not soften and she almost longed to catch one of the brilliant stars in the skies in the hope that its light would melt the gold stone back to smoldering fire. Some kind of emotional war was taking place in the Waterbender's gut but Katara blotted it out, swallowed the words she wanted to babble to chase away the awkward silence and kept her eyes firmly fixed on his. The clouds rolled around them as they stood and stared and at that hight Katara could feel the wind that moved them across her starry sky. The breeze whipped around her hair and still she stared, trying to read Zuko's eyes as he tried to read hers. Katara suddenly realized how ironic it was that the only sound between the two of them right then was air.
I smelled the rain come, fall around us
Zuko was the first one to break the stare, lifting his eyes to the heavens and seemingly waiting for something. Confused, she followed his lead and for the first time became aware of the smell that the wind carried. It was going to rain. Sure enough, the clouds opened up above them and Katara's element bathed their faces and bodies in soothing streaks. Zuko stayed with his face turned upwards longer than she did, and she contented herself with watching him soak up the rain, looking as though he was desperately seeking cleansing and solace from the weather.
Katara tried to call him, but no sound escaped her lips. The silence, it seemed, was too heavy to break. A while later he opened his eyes and looked back at her, robes sodden and expression defeated. At the look she started forward instinctively, throat working and mouth dry with the inadequacy of her words. The Waterbender jerked to a stop a few inches from the Firelord but did not break his gaze. Slowly she reached out and gripped both his shoulders, wondering as she did so if she was trying to comfort him or steady herself. He was warm, as always, and his heat seemed even more powerful against the chill of the night. Zuko shifted his shoulders and her fingers curled over the muscles as though she was trying to catch even a minuscule drop of the essence that was him. Beneath her fingers she felt his heartbeat quicken and her hands relaxed before sliding down slightly to rest on his chest.
We stand in silence but our bodies scream it louder than lust
The Master Waterbender was no longer a child. She had seen and experienced many things during the war and since its end. Even though she kept it secret from her friends and family, one of those experiences had been lust. She'd felt it burning in her gut and twisting along in her veins, tasted it at the back of her throat and itched with it to the tips of her fingers. The feeling that was pumping through her being on the top of that cliff was not simply lust. Lust simply did not feel that complete or all-consuming. Zuko's breath shuddered and he made a half-movement toward her, his body language screaming out the message hers wanted to receive and act on. Once more Katara's fingers curled into the material of his robe and this time she used her hold to pull him closer. Zuko's head sank to her shoulder and rested there, defeated and worn out. Her face buried itself into the crook of his neck and she allowed herself to feel the despair and frustration she'd set out to try and walk off. The rain continued to crash down on them and the water seemed to make the burden heavier and heavier until Zuko was the only thing keeping her upright.
Now I'm tryna just figure out what you are…
A shining light in the dark
"What do I do?" His warm breath tickled her neck. "I probably shouldn't put this on you but… You've always been there to…"
She opened her eyes and tried not to stiffen and thus stop his thoughts. "What, Zuko?"
One more night is all I need from you to change your mind
There's something turning in the air tonight
He continued to breathe against her. She shut her eyes again and reminded herself that it was hard for him to show weakness; hard for him to open up. Rainwater trickled down her neck and made her shiver. Zuko tensed beneath her and then, suddenly, gripped her tightly.
"You're like light, Katara." His voice was soft. "You just… make everything right. You can chase away nightmares and kiss wounds that don't physically exist better and-"
The Firelord broke off as she moved away from him, standing back so that they were once again facing each other. She dropped her hands and they were no longer touching. Her heart felt like it was about to beat right out of her chest.
"I can kiss it better," she repeated, trying to sound accusing at his choice of words but just succeeding in sounding young and lost.
Zuko flinched slightly but then lifted his head stubbornly. "You can," he agreed, eyes locking onto hers once more. "Just because we don't speak about it doesn't mean that night-"
She shook her head wildly, spraying water everywhere. There was the strongest urge in her to cover her ears. "Don't. Don't."
"Katara…"
There was a bite of frustration there she knew all too well. And she didn't want it. "Don't. I'm not… You can't…" I've made up my mind, she wanted to tell him, but the words would not come. They were not strong enough to leave her lips, weren't strong enough to swim upstream in the river of her doubts, weren't strong enough to hurt him.
"Katara. I…You…"
Despite herself, she looked up at him and watched his throat bob and his mouth open for words.
I try to show you but the words get twisted, get twisted
Nothing came out. The Waterbender could almost see the sounds and syllables twist together to form an incoherent mess at the back of his throat. A large part of her was happy his tongue twisted; she didn't want to think about what he could say to her and the effect his words would have. Frustrated, Zuko looked away, his hands curling into fists. Once more, silence reigned only this time the charge between them had died. The rain was still falling steadily and Katara longed to give into pure instinct and throw her hands to the sky in the traditional rain dance Gran-Gran had taught her.
Blue eyes flickered up to the scarred face she could trace on the back of her eyelids at any given moment. After a while he sensed her look and met her eyes reluctantly, eyes wearier now. It hurt that she was the one building walls instead of tearing them down. But what more could she expect, really, when her guard was so far up she refused to even acknowledge that they'd….
"We never got to dance. At the celebration. I danced with everybody except you."
"Only peasants dance in the rain." The reply seemed wooden and automatic, like a drilled-in order.
"Did your… Did Ozai say that?"
A beat of silence. "Azula. She hated dancing. It wasn't controlled enough for her."
Katara held out both her hands, one toward his shoulder and one level with his chest. "Zuko."
Gold eyes flickered from her face to her hands and back. "You sure?"
No. No I'm not. I don't want to be that close to you. I don't want… She shut her eyes and chipped away at the walls surrounding her heart. "Yes."
We'll brave a slow dance
You'll drop your guard at last
Hesitantly the fingers of his right hand met the fingers of her left and they curled around each other effortlessly, as though they were meant to mesh together. His other hand landed on her waist but it did not pull her in closer. Another beat of stillness followed before Zuko began to move, leading them in a slow, lazy circle that was slightly clumsy due to the distance between their bodies. Katara tried not to look at him but he was like a magnet that drew her in and soon she was looking at his eyes again and unable to pull away. Suddenly the pretence became too much to handle and she moved in closer, pressing her body to his and letting go of his shoulder so she could curl that hand around his neck. The position was familiar and his heat set her body on fire.
And now we're fighting for the air between our faces and hands
For a long moment, she was scared Zuko would reject her. The Firelord's head snapped backwards and his body went rigid in a reaction of shock that was hidden by the same egocentric front that had been around when she'd first met him. Even as her heart sank Zuko melted from the prince with the ponytail to the friend who had absorbed lightning for her. The Firebender leaned his forehead against hers and she got the faintest sensation of his scar touching her skin. As with the first time, its touch did not repel her. Instead it made her lift her face higher so that her nose was resting against his and their lips were mere millimetres apart. His hand gripped hers tighter. Her response was to let go of his neck and grip the hand that rested on her hip almost possessively. Zuko inhaled shakily through his mouth and it was almost the cause of her undoing. Katara gasped for air too, moving closer and then jerking back as she sucked in oxygen and felt Zuko's grip on both her hands become almost painful in its intensity.
All at once the battle for air ended. Katara snapped her head to the side and pushed away from him, shaking her head and wrapping her arms around herself protectively as she backed away. The Waterbender's eyes were closed so she didn't have to see the look on his face. "This can't happen." She was telling herself that as much as she was telling him.
Don't say it can't be
How can you not stay?
"So that's it." Immediately she bristled at his rage, even though she had no right to be angry that he was angry. "You're going to do this again."
She squeezed her eyes shut tighter and once again shook her head, willing the whole situation to just disappear. "Don't say it like that."
"Just tell me how. How can you just… walk away and pretend?"
Blue eyes snapped open then narrowed. "How can you even ask me that? You know why. I love him. I want him to be… To be…" This time, it was her words getting twisted. That was the problem; she could never explain this whole situation, even to herself.
"Right. And you just want me dead."
Ice clawed through her insides at the thought. "Don't you dare say it like that."
"I'm opposing the Movement, Katara. I declared war to openly oppose the Movement. Aang promised to kill me if I did something like this. And you-"
"Made him agree to kill you because you begged me to! You begged me to do whatever it took to make him agree to murder you! That was all your doing so don't you dare pin any of it on me!"
Anger and despair and hurt and helplessness all welled up in her and for one of the first times ever she could not see a way out. Rage was the easiest emotion to deal with and so she clutched onto it, letting it wash over her completely and make her begin to rant.
You move like water and I'm drowning in the waves that you make
Katara had no idea what she was saying, only that words and accusations and guilt-created excuses all poured from her tongue and echoed in the clouds, being soaked by rain and cold air and helplessness that welled up from deep inside her. Her tirade went uncontested and it was a long while before the tears came and made it impossible to speak. It was then she noticed that Zuko was watching her with the most peculiar look in his eyes. It was as though she was doing some hypnotic dance designed to lure men in, as though every move was sensual and not born from sheer desperation and emotion. His gaze sent bugs swooping in her stomach and she forgot how to be angry at him.
"Why didn't you argue back?"
He shook his head at her, seemingly snapping out of a reverie. She did not catch what he muttered but later, when her mind plagued her with the events of that night, she was sure he'd said, "Because you were drowning me."
While you're trying so hard to find your heart
I know you're scared
But throw that fear to the dark
Once more she shook her head, trying to deny the existence of the moment or her feelings or something else altogether. She wasn't sure which; she wasn't sure of anything anymore. "Zuko, I… I just… Aang…" Warm confessions of her love and adoration for the Avatar leapt to her lips. They all turned cold and died as soon as she caught his gaze again and felt her heart warm for him, too. "I don't know…"
Finally, the three words she'd been refusing to say were out in the open. She repeated them twice more, wishing for some solution to fall down with the rain as a reward for her honesty.
"Katara. Stop!" She obeyed him, shivering in silence before him. "Just… just look. Stop trying to hide from it and just… Just…"
He did not have his uncle's way with words. And yet, somehow, she still understood him so much better.
One more night is all I need from you to change your mind
There's something turning in the air tonight
I try to show you but the words get twisted, get twisted
"What are we doing?" she asked him in a whisper.
She needed a straight answer; needed to be told where to go and what to do. Something was shifting around her and in her and it was scaring her so badly she just wanted to run. Katara didn't have a clue what her heart was telling her to do in that situation and she was floundering in dark waters all alone.
"Just… Listen to… Remember… I don't…" When he needed them the most, Zuko's words failed him.
We're falling faster straight towards the knife
Can you hear me call you out?
"There's a sword hanging above this even though 'this' doesn't even technically exist." She spoke the revelation as it came to her.
"That's bullshit!" he snapped hotly, knowing it was a lie even as it passed his lips.
Katara just looked at him sadly, feeling her tears mix with the dripping rain once more. "We're fighting for the Cow-Chicken that's heading towards the slaughter, Zuko," she wept quietly. "You and I both know it. The more we fall for each other, the faster we fall towards…"
"You're giving up before you even start! Stop it! I refuse-!"
"No, Zuko, you stop. Stop! Stop! Stop making this harder by calling me out on my pretences!" The anger was back, evaporating her tears and making her hate the Fire Nation man that stood glaring at her. "We both have our destinies and you know it. Nothing else can happen! Nothing else will ever happen!"
Dream brighter darling
Don't let it die
Zuko swore at her then, the dirtiest words he'd ever used in her presence in his life. His anger seemed to become a physical thing and for the slightest of moments she was scared of him. "You used to be the naïve fourteen-year-old who dreamed that a kid could save the world from the Firelord. And now… what? What, Katara?" He looked like he wanted to shake her and she stepped backwards. "Now you've limited yourself to dreaming about a destiny you think is planned out for you? That's not dreaming. That's settling. You're turning weak."
Rage sparked. "So then what are you dreaming about that you don't sleep anymore, huh? Scared by how much you're like your father when you sleep?"
Such a long way down
Katara wanted to take the words back as soon as she'd spoken them but she could not. She saw them carve into his heart and imbed themselves there, sure to cause hurt for a long time to come. And she wouldn't even be around to pick them out of his flesh for him. She couldn't even apologise. Because he'd hurt her just as badly. And because the feelings she felt for him had to go away or else…
And if you can't find something you need then, honey,
You've gotta let it fall like stone to the bottom
Zuko shut his eyes and tipped his head back, breathing deeply for a long time while she watched and committed his form to memory and wept. Finally in control of his temper Zuko looked back to her. All she wanted to do was bury herself in his arms.
"Okay, fine. This is it, then, Katara. Time to look deep and ask yourself who you really want. Who can give you what you need the most?"
Immediately her mind shied away from the choice as it had for so long now. But Zuko's eyes were unforgiving and she battled her way into her heart and forced herself to judge. What she uncovered was the fact that she'd known deep down all along. She was not stuck in a void. What she chose would affect the entire world. If she chose wrong, the world would fall back to disaster. To heal a hundred years of war she had to lose a battle her heart had been fighting. To heal scars she had to ignore one she loved because of what it represented to her and one that was supposed to be hers.
"If you can truly say it's not me then…"
Her heart broke, and there were no tears strong enough for that moment.
If you can't find all that you need then let me fall
Unable to breathe, being drowned by the rain that was slowly letting up, Katara met his eyes and let him see for himself what she had chosen. Gold fire turned once more to hard stone and she knew she'd never fully see what she'd done to him and his heart at that moment. It would be her guilt to bear. Without anything more to say, the Waterbender turned around and began to stumble back to civilisation, feeling utterly numb and spent. Halfway down the cliff the bit of her she'd killed that night gave a dying request she could not deny.
"Zuko?" The rain made it difficult for her to see if he was looking at her. She plunged on anyway. "I love you."
There was silence and darkness. Then, "Katara, I…"
When the hesitation stretched on for a full minute, Katara turned once more and walked back to Aang.
but the words get twisted, get twisted
AN 2: Yeah, sorry about the whole very AU twist on the 'Aang promising to kill Zuko' thing. I just cannot get over how Mr 'I'll do anything not to kill the evil Firelord Ozai' suddenly turns into Mr 'Sure I'll murder one of my best friends no problem' with Katara starring as Ms 'I agree kill Zuko who saved me and is my friend now' by his side. I can get over everything else except that.