By Chance
Contemplation...
===3==
Dean took Castiel home as he was asked. They drove in silence, neither trying to make a sound or form a conversation. The only sound present would be the sound of the Impala's machine working. Everything felt awkward as the two men were locked in that car.
Soon enough, they reached Castiel's apartment. They remained seated on their seats, waiting for something, anything, to happen. Dean was drumming his fingers on the steering wheel while Castiel chewed on his lower lip and played with his thumb that lay on his lap.
"Dean I..."
"Castiel I..." they said at the same time as they started to look at each other. Once again, they turned their heads and focused on something else. Both sighed at the same time. A few more minutes passed until Castiel thought now's a good time to talk.
"Dean, I'm... I'm sorry. That kiss earlier, it's nothing to me. So, I'm sorry."
"No. It's my fault. Uh, I know you're not interested in me and you prefer women so... I didn't mean to." He replied and sighed, eyes focused on his hands. "But it doesn't mean I regret it." He finished as he looked back at Castiel; eyes filled with hurt and sorrow but still filled with hope and love.
Castiel swallowed thickly while his breath hitched. It kind of pained him to see Dean like that—hurt and seemingly lost. He looked away from Dean and focused on the road ahead. "I don't want to lead you on Dean, so just stop whatever it is you're doing."
"I know you don't want me. But please, let me want you. I've never felt this way before. Just let me feel this... this thing for you." He pleaded, voice pained.
Castiel looked back at Dean. He pursed his lips as his brows furrowed, contemplating. "But you're going to get badly hurt. I'll just keep on fucking every random girl I see in a bar and you won't have the right to get jealous or make me stop." He whispered. His eyes focused on Dean's, searching for something.
"I don't care." Dean whispered back. "I'm not going to stop you. I'll get jealous, yes, but I won't show it in front of you so you won't feel guilty."
"Dean..." he started and sighed. He wet his lips and thought of the right words to form. "You deserve more than that, more than this. Are you really willing to risk your whole life when you could get married and be happy someday with someone who'll return those feelings?"
"I don't care what I deserve, I care about what I want. This is what I want, Castiel. Please don't take this away from me." Dean has made his point right then and there. Castiel can't take any more from Dean than what Dean has already given him. He's not that heartless and cold. Finally, he sighed and bit his lower lip, glancing down for a while and then looking back at Dean.
"Okay." He whispered weakly. He raised his hand to cup Dean's face. The other man leaned in to the touch as small circles were rubbed on his cheeks. "I guess this is all I could give to you." He whispered and leaned towards Dean, his lips catching the other man's.
Dean gasped and slowly sighed, opening his mouth. Castiel slid his tongue into his mouth as he opened it. He licked and sucked Dean's mouth, tasting him and letting the other man taste him in return. Dean fisted Castiel's hair, pulling him closer. Castiel kissed him hungrily, like has never kissed anyone after Michael's death. The kiss he was giving Dean was more of an apology to him. He's apologizing that he can't find the heart to return the other man's feelings. But for Dean, that kiss was a gift, a gift that he will treasure until his last breath.
Both men are running out of air but neither wanted to pull away. A very slight pull was given by Castiel as he caught his breath. But Dean had other ideas and followed Castiel's mouth, claiming it once more. Castiel let Dean claim his mouth; he can hold his breath for a long while anyway.
They stay seated in the car, simply kissing each other, for about half an hour. Castiel pulled away far enough for Dean not to be able to catch him. Both men were panting after that. Dean's eyes slowly fluttered open and saw Castiel staring at him. Castiel kissed Dean chastely for one last time and quickly got out of the car. He ran quickly into the apartment and went straight to his room.
After he has closed the door behind him, he leaned on it and slid down; sitting on the floor. His knees were pulled up to his chest and his elbows rested on them. He caged his head in his hands as he breathes heavily. His heart pounded like crazy and his mind was all whacked up. Feelings for Dean were building up quickly, feelings that he's been avoiding for a long time. And all it took was one kiss, one kiss and feelings that used to be buried somewhere deep inside him has been dug up, has drenched up back to the surface. Those feelings used to be for Michael; the feeling of safety, joy and love. Now they are resurfacing, ready to be given to someone, to someone named Dean.
Castiel looked up from where he was sitting and saw Michael's guitar in the corner. He reluctantly stood up and slowly went to the corner where the guitar rested. He picked it up and sat back down on the floor. Slowly, his fingers started forming chords and plucking the guitar, warming up a bit. He sighed and pursed his lips as he tried to remember the song that has been hidden all those years. Slowly, he formed the chords and strummed the strings, creating a beautiful sound from it. He continued playing the introduction before he started singing.
What are these emotions
Flooding through my head?
Can't control it
Everytime you're near.
I can't breathe.
I can't relax
Everytime you smile at me
Then I see your eyes
That shine like the stars.
Then my whole world stops
'Cause you started to speak.
And I can't take
My eyes off of you
Even for a little while
Why am I messed up?
I'm just so fed up
With this new sensation
That I face alone
Could this be the one they call love?
And I don't know what to do.
Could this be, I'm giving my heart to you?
To make or break.
He finished playing the song that never really seemed or felt finished. He wrote it after Balthazar confronted him about him having feelings for Michael. He just couldn't accept it but couldn't exactly deny the signs as well. He just picked up Michael's guitar one day and started playing and writing the song.
He doesn't know why but the song felt incomplete for him, after all those years. He felt that there were more words to be written for the song but couldn't exactly find them.
He sighed as he closed his eyes, guitar still in his arms. Images of Dean suddenly flowed through his mind but he didn't bother to push them away. He just let everything flow. Their first meeting, the look in Dean's eyes, the way he asked Castiel to lunch, the way his face lights up whenever Castiel smiles, the way they enjoyed each other's company, the way Dean fidgeted when he saw Castiel's anger, the way his jaw dropped seeing Castiel, the night they shared and that kiss; that one kiss that said so much.
All of a sudden, his hands started moving once more, continuing the abandoned song. He started to sing as well, making the song feel more complete.
Why are you still here?
Thought I said no.
Are you still hoping?
Don't know why but I'm glad
That you want me.
Guess I want you too;
Wanted you for so long.
Why am I messed up?
I'm just so fed up
With this new sensation
That I face alone
Could this be the one they call love?
And I don't know what to do.
Could this be, I'm giving my heart to you?
To make or break.
When I'm ready
I'll give my heart to you.
But for now
I hope you'll wait for me
'Cause this heart's so afraid to break for the second time around
Could this be the one they call love?
And I don't know what to do.
Could this be, I'm giving my heart to you?
To make or break...
Slowly, he opened his eyes once more. Now the song feels complete. That very song spoke the whole truth about Castiel's emotions—even though he doesn't know them himself.
He reluctantly stood up and put the guitar back to its place. He sighed once more and removed his shoes and socks, putting them neatly beside the door. He then removed his shirt and his jeans. He went to the bathroom, washed his face and brushed his teeth before he climbed to his bed.
He hates to admit it, but somehow, he felt willing to try it with Dean. But knowing how stubborn our Castiel is, he simply won't. He'd ignore everything that his heart tells him. He'd ignore all the words that just came out of his mouth through the song. He'd ignore Dean's feelings for him.
Let's just hope Dean will wait for Castiel...
===3==
Dean drove slowly to his apartment; Castiel's taste still lingers in his mouth. The way their lips—mouths—locked still haunted his senses. He can still feel Castiel's lips on his'. He can still feel Castiel's tongue in his mouth. He can still hear the soft moans they released. He can still feel Castiel's hand on his head and face. He can still smell the scent that is so Castiel.
He bit his lower lip as he neared his apartment. He shut off the engine of the Impala and climbed out of it, gliding towards his door. He opened it and got in, going straight to his room after locking the door behind him. He took off his shoes and socks, slid off of his shirt and jeans and put on a clean undershirt. He brushed his teeth and washed his face. He went to his living room, turning the TV on and flicking through the channels. No matter what came up, the only thing Dean sees was Castiel; his hair, his eyes, his nose and his lips; those perfectly soft, warm lips. His eyes slowly fluttered close as he released a slow soft sigh. He raised a hand slowly and ran it on his lips. He just can't shake the feeling of Castiel's lips on his' off.
Time passed quickly. After trying and failing at attempting to watch television, he went to bed. He just stared at the ceiling; one hand under his head, the other on his stomach. He sighed and turned to his side. Suddenly, he can see two beautiful blue eyes staring at him fondly. Absentmindedly, he reached out to touch the other man's face until reality hit him. And just like that, the blue eyes vanished.
"Shit!" he muttered, lying on his back once more. "What the hell is wrong with you Winchester? He's out of your league, damn it!" he muttered angrily as he shut his eyes tight, hoping to fall asleep. He kept on turning and shifting on his bed until he gave up and looked at his alarm clock. An hour and a half has passed and he just can't sleep at all. He sighed heavily and got out of bed. He paced around the room until he gave up and took his notebook and a pen and sat down on the floor. He sighed and closed his eyes for a while, thinking. When he opened his eyes once more, he started to write everything he felt for Castiel.
Blue Eyes
You came crashing through the door
and caught me off guard,
like a thief in the night.
What are your intentions?
Fear and concern
are the least of my worries
for you pull me in,
like a child to a stranger.
My mind knows the danger
the moment my feet dragged me to you.
but then the shine of your eyes
makes me regret nothing.
Those blue eyes that pale the colour of the sky,
makes my heart run out of my chest,
makes my lungs stop their function
and my eyes adore nothing else.
Now,
I ask for nothing
but let my eyes adore you,
and my heart beat for you.
He finished writing with a sigh, read it for errors and closed the notebook after checking it. He put it back on his table and once again tried to sleep, being more successful this time around.
===3==
"Hey Cas, watcha think about this?" Dean heard that familiar voice once more. Michael. He decided. A few more moments passed and the place he stood became clear. Apparently, he's standing once again in Castiel and Balthazar's apartment. He can see Castiel sitting on the couch pouting a little as he stared at the box of CDs in front of him; his legs were crossed on top of the other. Michael on the other hand was kneeling in front of the TV holding a CD case.
Castiel looked up at Michael who was holding a Saw III movie. Castiel scowled at Michael. "You know that movie freaks me out."
Michael smiled at him sheepishly and smugly at the same time. "That's the point. So that we'll do more cuddling rather than actually watching." He finished his sentence as he bit his lower lip.
Castiel snorted, shook his head as he bit down his lower lip as well. "You are too much of a girl, do you know that?"
"I know. But I also know you love that about me." He heard Castiel chuckle at Michael's retort while the said man stood up. He walked to Castiel and trapped the other man by putting both his arms on the sides of the couch. He grinned and leaned down to kiss Castiel chastely. Both were smiling when they parted. "Seriously Cas, I love that movie because you couldn't let me go while we watch it and you kept your head buried on my chest." He heard Michael whisper sweetly; teasing still evident in his tone.
"Fine. But don't get mad at me the moment you get a bruise because I cling on to you too tightly." He heard him reply, sounding confident and threatening at the same time. He can see Michael slowly leaning down once more for another chaste kiss.
"When have I ever been mad at you? With those beautiful blue eyes that can look like a kicked puppy?"
"I love it when these puppy eyes of mine work like a charm on you." He heard Castiel say smugly but still filled with fondness and slowly pulled Michael for another kiss before he pushed the other man away to start the movie.
Dean simply stood in one corner, watching the scene play before his eyes. They looked so sweet and content with each other. Halfway through the movie, Castiel was now hugging Michael tightly as he watched the movie intently; fear was evident in his eyes. Dean can see Michael watch Castiel with fondness, loving the way the younger man held tightly to him. Ever so slightly, Dean saw Michael raise his free hand to reach out for Castiel's face. He cupped the younger man's face and tugged it a little to turn his face.
"What?" He heard Castiel ask the older man, a little confused but flushed at the same time. He saw Michael simply smile and lean to kiss Castiel. It was soft and chaste at first but slowly deepened and became passionate. Castiel's arms are now wrapped around Michael's neck while Michael's remained to where they were before.
Dean just stood there and watched them as the movie they were supposed to be watching came to an end. Slowly, Michael pushed Castiel down the couch, putting him on top of the other man. Things were starting to get heated as Michael slowly moved his lips to Castiel's jaw, going down to his neck.
"Mike..." Dean heard Castiel moan. "Mike." He said more firmly. He saw Michael reluctantly pull away and pull Castiel up as well. "I'm sorry." He whispered.
"It's not your fault Cas. You've never been with a man. I'll wait." Michael said fondly with a smile and leaned down to kiss Castiel chastely. "Come on. Let's go to bed." He said as he stood up and tried to pull Castiel up but failed. He frowned down at the younger man and let his hands drop.
Dean saw Castiel do the puppy eyes at Michael with a pout, arms raised in a child-like way. "Carry me?" Dean found Castiel's words and actions a little too amusing and smiled a little; Castiel pouted a little more.
"C'mon Cas! You know I can't deny you with that face." Michael said, shutting his eyes tightly as he looked away. Dean saw Castiel bit his lip to stop a laugh from erupting. Right then and there, he just wanted to go to him and kiss him. He can see the glow in Castiel that was trying its best to be hidden.
"Miiiiiiiikkkkkkkeeeee." Castiel whined, making Dean chuckle a little, hearing that usually serious tone turn into a childish one.
"Caaaassss." Michael whined back, looking back at Castiel with a grimace. Castiel raised puppy eyes level one to level two. "Damn it." He muttered under his breath as he picked Castiel up; bridal style.
"Woah!" Castiel exclaimed with wide eyes, surprised at Michael suddenly carrying him that way. Dean stared at them in envy. He wanted to carry Castiel that way.
"I'm doing you a favour here so don't complain about how I carry you." Michael said and nuzzled Castiel's nose with his own. Castiel gave a low chuckle.
"How about the TV and the DVD player?" he asked as he eyed the TV.
"I'll drop you to bed first then I'll clean up, m'kay?"
"Okay." He replied and buried his face at the crook of Michael's neck, closing his eyes at the same time, humming. Michael smiled to himself as he felt Castiel's sigh on his skin and walked to his room. Michael gently lay Castiel down on his bed and kissed him chastely before going back to the living room to clean up. After that's done, he made sure the door and windows are locked and went back to his bed.
"Hey Cas." He whispered as he run his fingers gently on Castiel's face. Castiel hummed sleepily. "I love you." He whispered and kissed his cheek. Castiel hummed with a smile and shifted a little.
"I love you too." He whispered back as Michael slowly got into bed with him, pulling him into his chest and wrapping his arms around his waist.
===3==
Dean woke up slowly to the sound of rain drops softly tapping on his window. He sighed and sat up, rubbing his hands on his face. He glanced at his alarm clock and saw that it was still early. He got out of bed to have something to drink. He vaguely remembers Castiel saying the words I love you too but doesn't know why and how he remembers Castiel say those words.
After satisfying his thirst, he went back to bed and fell into a dreamless slumber.
AN-IMPORTANT!
Okay, so guys, the week after next week will be our preliminary exams and I badly need (and want) to pass so the next chapter will be totally delayed. As in, two or three weeks delayed. So, yeah, I've gotta focus with my studies. Please wait for me. :)
And, oh yeah, the song Cas sang, it's on youtube. Just type in 'could this be destiel' and the first video that comes out, that's it. but for ya'll to be sure that's mine, my username's alCjnth. Okay, thanks! :)