Chapter 30 Lean on Me

AN: Yay! Another chapter at long last, I'm hoping to start posting more regularly, but, well, we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

In the morning, rather than deal with Noelle, I decided it would be better to wake up early, and spend a couple of hours with Josh, before the funeral, definitely a better option. I set my phone to wake me up for 5:30, to ensure Noelle wouldn't wake up and try to stop me from leaving. By 6, I was out of my room and on the long walk to meet with Josh at the Art Cemetery.

Josh and I met up between our two dorms, and walked quickly in the frigid morning air, my nose stung from the cold but I hardly noticed. Josh was unusually quiet, and I wished he felt that he could confide in me, but understood that today was going to be hard for him. We ducked into the warmth of the Art Cemetary, and Josh pulled me into his arms. I didn't say anything as I held him, it was the day of his best friend's funeral, and here I was, thinking about myself and what I wanted. I pushed all of my selfish thoughts away, and silently vowed to be there for Josh today.

If I could do nothing else, I would at least be a shoulder for him to cry on, regardless of how I or anyone else thought or did. He had always been there for me, and now it was my turn to bet there for him. I couldn't believe how selfish I had been, thinking only of me, and my problems, not realizing how much pain Josh was in, I could see it in his eyes, though he did an amazing job of hiding it from me and the rest of the world. Ever since I arrived at easton, I've thought almost only about myself, it was very unlike me, these people were rubbing off on me, changing who I am. They are all self-absorbed, when I arrived, I thought I was different, but now I realize, that I am just like all the other selfish, vain people I was now living with, and the thought scared me.

The closer we got to Thomas' funeral, the tighter Josh's arms wrapped around me. It seemed as if he felt he would fall apart if he let go. Even though I was struggling to breathe I refused to push Josh away. I could feel his salty tears on the shoulder he was leaning on. My heart broke. I hated to see him in so much pain, and I knew I could do absolutely nothing for him. I knew in the back of my mind, that we had to leave for the funeral, now, but I couldn't figure out how to tell Josh. I had the felling, that though he wouldn't admit it, that he'd stopped taking his meds, and that was why he was so hard hit by this all of a sudden, and I could understand why he stopped, but it could hurt him more than he thought.

"Josh," I whispered softly "I'm sorry, but we have to go"

Josh sniffled, and whispered a barley audible "Okay" and slowly let me go.

Josh was trembling, and I was scared of what going to this funeral might do to him. No matter what, I vowed, Josh would have my support. If he broke apart, I'd be there in a heartbeat, picking up the pieces. We reached the student parking lot, and Josh unlocked the car, and went to get into the driver's seat, but I took the keys out of his hand and walked him over to the passenger's seat, he was so out of it, he didn't object. I'd been expecting him to at least say something once. Usually Josh doesn't let anyone drive his car, let alone without a fight. This made me even more worried about him. I hadn't thought that was even possible.

Looking at Josh now, I felt I got a glimpse of what he was like as a young child, vulnerable, scared, small, it looked as if Josh had lost about ten years, rather than looking older, as most do when they experience the death of a person close to them, sitting in that front seat, he looked about seven years old, and like he was about to fall apart.

I grabbed his hand in mine I didn't say anything. At this point, I didn't think there was anything I could say.

Thomas' funeral was packed, not only with friends and family, but also with media, apparently in his world, news travels fast, not just at Easton, but everywhere. At first, I pitied those people, then I realized that now I was one of those people. That was another thing that scared me about being a student at Easton.

As we were waiting to speak with Thomas' parents, I couldn't help but overhear their conversation. "The country house really is beautiful this time of year. We would be there right now if we didn't have to be here. It really is a pity, I'd been hoping to make it there before the snow hits, then we'll be off to St. Luke's for a few months, to get away from all of these dreadful teens, they're even worse than the media nowadays. It really is terrible; all they're interested in is what Thomas was like as a kid. It is jus so terribly boring talking to these people" She continued to rant, but I tuned her out as I began to see red. Josh and I had reached the front of the line, and I just about dug my heel into her perfectly manicured foot, but I mumbled something noncommittal along the lines of "I'm sorry for your loss" and moved on. I couldn't believe them, talking about how their son's death was too much of an inconvenience to be able to leave for a vacation, but I also couldn't believe myself. I had never been so hateful towards anyone other than my mother before. I grabbed Josh's hand, and was about to walk right out of there, like Noelle, but I stopped myself, I wasn't going to be weak and give her that satisfaction, I also could not leave Josh here alone under any circumstances, and I knew he would regret it later if we left. I would push through my blind hatred, and make sure Josh was going to be okay today too.

As excruciating as it was listening to Thomas' mother speak to her friends, it was a thousand times worse looking into Josh's eyes and seeing something there I had never seen before, defeat. I knew, as much as there were times Josh resented Thomas and his partying, he really did feel like Thomas was his brother. Through the entire service, I saw Josh try to, unsuccessfully hold back his heartbreaking sobs, and that just about started my own sobs, but I knew I couldn't start crying, Josh needed me, more than I needed to mourn, both over the fact that Thomas was dead, and the fact that Josh was destroying himself. Josh needed a strong shoulder to cry on, and, somehow, I needed to manage that for him.