Title: To Hope
Summary: Deep beneath the imprinting, there is a part of Sam that still exists. This is his letter to fate.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer .This story is produced without profit.
Characters: Sam/Leah
Genre: Angst/Hurt
Rating: General
Warnings: ~
Status: Completed
Archiving: Please PM me
Inspirations/Dedications:
Author's Notes: Part of the Your Gift, Our Curse series.
To Hope
It's cold outside. There's a storm blowing a gale and you can even hear the trash cans rattling. Leah used to love it when the weather was like this. There was nothing more exciting to her than the sheer power of Mother Earth.
That's kind of how I see her now: a force of nature.
She wouldn't appreciate that now that she's turned against you. Every other word is about how the world sucks, fate sucks, life sucks.
It kills me that she's so bitter.
I know she thinks I hold her back because I'm a sexist pig who doesn't think she has what it takes. What she doesn't realise is that it isn't about her at all. It's about what's best for the pack and I know if anything happened to her, I'd lose it. The hierarchy, my duty: none of it would mean shit in that moment.
You made a good choice with her. I'm only really starting to appreciate that. She's inherited her mother's stone cold nerve and fearlessness. I don't have either. She's tailor made to be a warrior but I can't let her because I'm too afraid of what I might lose.
I know I'm a selfish prick.
I was surprised when she phased but I probably shouldn't have been. Leah has always been something more. I don't think she realises just how special she is; how forceful. Emily has her moments, her stern looks that would make a stronger man wither but she's still just a woman. She can't compete with Leah in that sense.
I've loved that girl since I was ten years old.
You might think that it was nothing more than a childhood romance but it was. It was so much more. I couldn't even tell you the first time I saw her because I don't remember. She's always just been part of my life.
It's a struggle trying to live a life that she wants no part of.
Don't get me wrong, I love Emily with all my being and I know I always will. We were made for each other, after all, but there are moments of clarity when I look at her and wonder why I'm not looking at Leah instead. Emily comes to me so easily and lets me kiss her wounds better and forgives all of my mistakes.
You know Leah refuses to patrol with me, right?
Or talk to me.
Or answer me when I ask her how she is.
At least, she used to until Jacob spoke to her about it. Now she answers in one word sentences and sarcastic quips and I'm left wondering when she started listening to Jacob and stopped listening to me.
He left Nessie's birthday party early last week so he could drive Leah into Port Angeles. That's not normal. How come he can fight it but I can't?
There's nothing going on there. At least, I don't think there is. Jacob and Leah have always been too alike; both stubborn and too quick to hold a grudge. Somewhere along the line, their antagonising each other has given way to an easy partnership. Since the packs re-united, everything has changed.
I don't want him to fight for her. I don't want him to break it, even though it would be better for the pack if he wasn't tied to a leech. I want Leah to love me and nobody else. I want her to grieve for me forever.
That's my guilty secret.
And you already knew that, didn't you? Just like you knew that I did fight, I fought so hard, but I just didn't have it in me to win. Sometimes I hate you just as much as she does. If you had to screw up my whole life, you could have at least done the job right and made me forget her completely.
Did you watch and laugh as I lay beside her and tried so hard to keep a picture in my head that would obliterate all my thoughts of Emily?
I've never lived a moment without Leah Clearwater. Do you have any idea what you've done to me-how I drank up every bitter remark and every bit of guilt because it meant she was still there, still engaging with me?
But you couldn't even let me keep that, could you?
Leah is pulling away from me now, I can feel it. I try to tell myself that I knew she wouldn't hurt forever, wouldn't miss me forever. I just didn't realise how much it would tear me up when that day finally came. I don't want her to forget me. The real me. I want to remember the man I was before and our memories.
Ten years old to the day I set eyes on Emily, Leah was the world to me. She was my best friend, my confidant, my first love. She was the one I fumbled with and embarrassed myself with and learned about love with. Everything that was Sam Uley was defined by loving her and nobody knows me better.
She was a part of me and, my god, I hate you for taking that away from me...but you can't fight destiny, isn't that what they say?
So I'll watch. I'll watch her move on and stop thinking about me, stop caring about me. I'll sit back and watch her fall in love, get married and laugh with her friends about her first love who turned out to be a loser. Maybe one day I'll see her daughters running around the rez or her sons sitting around the bonfire but I won't give up.
I won't ever give up.
While it's still within my power, I'll keep this little sliver of me...just for her and I wont forget. For however long it hurts, I won't forget because you've taken everything from me. My dreams, my ambitions, my girl...
To hope is the only choice I have left.
~fin~