Another part! Before we Start I want to thank everyone who added this story to their alerts and favorite and commented! Thank you people! Me and my muse love you very much indeed :D
This one takes after the last chapter so there are no spoilers *unless BBC will decide to take my line of story which will be pretty awesome but...*
Pairing: one sided Gwaine/ Merlin
Warning: Once again mentioned suicidel thoughts and self harm but nothing like last time :)
Disclaimer: They aren't mine. Nither is the song, it belonges to the wonderful Lana Del Ray.
Enjoy!
Feet don't fail me now
Take me to the finish line
All my heart, it breaks every step that I take
Merlin stared forward and pretended he didn't see what was going before him, for the last week the castle was busy with preparations for the royal wedding and Merlin did his best to act normal, to smile and help and support Arthur when he seemed worried.
The dreams stopped for three whole days before they returned with vengeance, seemingly punishing Merlin for trying to avoid them.
And now, he was bone tired again and his hand itched for his dagger as he did his best to ignore the wedding before him.
Gwen looked stunning, her dress fitted her form and clung to every curve of her body in all the right places, she was gorgeous, Merlin swallowed, she was the perfect queen.
Arthur, Merlin couldn't look at Arthur, he helped him today to dress but he did his best not to look, he couldn't bare that sight, not now.
Gaius's hand was clutched tightly in his and Merlin knew that his guardian knew something was wrong.
Finally it was over and the crowd burst with cries of joy and clapping and calls of-
"Long live the queen! Long live the queen!"
Merlin did his best to smile and join the cries until he couldn't do it anymore and his throat felt raw and tight, he glanced at Gaius and saw the old man looking at him with concern.
"Go." He whispered and jerked his head towards the door. "Go before something happens."
Merlin nodded and made his way quickly to the exit, doing his best not to look at people, afraid someone will try to stop him and question why he was going away, away from his master and king' wedding.
The cold air in the corridor was a welcome thing to Merlin's tight throat and he stopped just outside the doors leaning against them and taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart.
He heard voices getting closer to door and moved away, breaking into a fast run away from the hall, away from everyone. He ran blindly, his eyes didn't register where he was going before he burst out the door and into the battlements, his heart pounding in his chest.
He mumbled a quick locking spell and stepped away from the door, his legs shook with every step that he took and he wondered, almost detached if this feeling he had in his chest was his heart breaking, if the feeling he had, like he would never be happy again was just that.
At the thought of his aching chest Merlin crumbled to the floor and curled around himself, the new position did nothing to stop the cold wind from getting under his cloths and freezing him to the bone, it felt good, it felt amazing actually, he couldn't feel his fingers anymore and his lips felt swollen, he licked at them and bit down, hard, tasting blood.
He didn't know how long he stayed there, minutes, hours, years; the only thing he knew was that it was good; this numb feeling that spread through his body and made his heart beat to slow down.
Down.
Down.
Down.
He had no idea when he closed his eyes, only that he did and then there was darkness, soft, comforting darkness and Merlin smiled, finally at peace.
"Well Gaius?" Gwaine's voice was worried and Merlin tried to blink.
"He will be all right, Gwaine, you found him just in time, a couple more minutes and…" Gaius trailed off and Merlin felt so guilty for making him worried.
He opened his eyes slowly and tried to move only to discover that he was wrapped in what seemed like hundreds of blankets.
"Gaius?" Merlin tried to ask but his throat hurt and prickled and it felt like he tried to cut his own throat.
"Merlin!" Gaius cried out and moved quickly to give him a small cup.
"Drink!" He ordered and Merlin did.
Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know whyThe road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime
The next time Merlin woke up the room was quiet and dark, the only source of light was the fire that burned cheerfully in the fireplace.
Merlin looked around him and tried to see where Gaius was.
"Gaius?" He called softly, this time his throat didn't hurt like it was rubbed raw with sand.
"Gaius?" He tried again.
"Merlin?" Gwaine's soft voice drifted from the far corner of the room before the man himself appeared before Merlin.
"Hi," Merlin said sheepishly, he remembered that Gwaine was the one who found him. "I, ahm, thank you." He said with a soft smile.
Gwaine nodded with a grim look on his face as he sat near Merlin, presenting him with a cup.
"Drink it, Gaius said to give it to you the moment you are up."
Merlin took the cup and looked at the liquid within with suspicion.
"What is it?" He couldn't risk being drugged again, his magic will go ballistic.
Gwaine shrugged and toyed with the edges of Merlin's blanket.
"I don't know, just drink it, you scared him enough as it is." Gwaine reproached.
Merlin looked down and drank the potion without any more questions
"I know," He said quietly and fiddled with his fingers in his lap. "I didn't mean to fall asleep, I just…"
"Don't you know it's dangerous to go out in this weather Merlin? You could have died." He finished quietly.
Merlin looked up and saw Gwaine's concerned face and his heart twitched with guilt. But what could he say?
He couldn't say that he had to get out of there before he blew the entire hall to pieces.
He couldn't say that he just watched the love of his life marrying another woman.
He couldn't say that his magic won't even let him hurt himself like he wanted too.
He couldn't.
"I know," Gwaine's soft voice said and Merlin's head snapped up.
"What?"
Gwaine sighed and raked a hand through his head.
"I'm going to tell you something and you have to swear that you will hear me out."
Merlin nodded, his heart beating an uneven rhythm in his chest.
"A year ago, when we all went to the isle of the blessed and after you miraculously healed, Lance took me for a talk."
Merlin's eyes widened and he shook his head, Lance wouldn't do that, he wouldn't betray Merlin like that.
"He told me of how you two met, about how you saved him and helped him, about your magic." Gwaine said and his eyes were warm and caring.
"He told me about everything you did for Arthur, everything you did for Camelot and what you were going to do on the isle." Gwaine shook his head.
"I always knew you were brave Merlin but that, I was speechless. Then Lance told me that he had no intention of letting you go and sacrifice yourself because you are so bloody noble. He told me that he was going to do it himself but he wanted to make sure that there is someone who will know, besides Gaius, someone who will know what you can do, what you have done."
Merlin's eyes were wide and shining with unshed tears.
"Bloody Lance." He mumbled and Gwaine chuckled.
"Yeah, bloody Lance." He hesitated then and looked at Merlin again before sighing.
"He told me about Arthur too."
"What?" Merlin said, he didn't tell Lance that, he didn't know it back then.
"He said you were oblivious to it as he was."
Merlin lowered his head in shame.
"Is that why you ran today?" Gwaine asked gently and Merlin shook his head and then nodded and then the tears were coming out and he was sobbing and gasping for breath and the room was too small.
Gwaine sat on the bed next to him and pulled him into his arms.
"Shh, Shh," He murmured into Merlin's hair as he rubbed comforting circles across his back. "I know, I know, get it out Merlin, it hurts I know."
Eventually the tears were over and Merlin quieted down and looked at Gwaine with a small smile.
"Thanks, I didn't mean, it's just so… I can't, I had no one to…"
Gwaine cupped his face with his hands and smiled softly at him.
"You do now, Merlin, I know that love hurts and I know that sometimes you feel as though you are going to crush down from all that pain but I'm here, you are not alone anymore."
Merlin smiled and clasped Gwaine's arms, squeezing tightly.
"Thank you my friend, Thank you."
Gwaine nodded and smiled.
"Now, do you know what the best cure for a broken heart is?"
Merlin shook his head.
"Getting drunk!" Gwaine declared and rose up from the bed.
"We are going to get you spectacularly drunk Merlin!" He said with a wide grin and Merlin laughed, for the first time in months he really laughed.
The next couple of months were the best Merlin had in a long time, the winter ended and the spring was in full swing, improving everybody's mood.
Merlin whistled as he went down to the kitchens to get the king's breakfast.
Gwaine told him to think about Arthur as just the king, to detach himself as much as possible from the man that Merlin desperately loved and for most days Merlin managed to do just that, he smiled at Arthur and told him jokes, they bantered like they used to and things were looking good.
"Good morning Hilda!" Merlin called out to the cook as he waited for the king's breakfast.
"Lovely morning to you as well love, good to see your smiling face in the morning, makes for a better day!" Calls of agreement were heard from other cooks and servants who were in the room and Merlin's smile widened.
He was still smiling when he reached the king's door and knocked softly, after the first morning he entered and saw the king and queen in a tight hug he never forgot to knock again. That morning drove him to Gwaine that night and the knight had to hold Merlin's shaking form as he allowed his tears and magic to pour out in agony.
"Enter." The king's voice sounded and Merlin opened the door and walked inside, his smile still in place.
"Good morning sire!" He called cheerfully as he laid the tray down on the table.
"Merlin," the king said from his place near the fireplace.
"So," Merlin said as he pulled out the king's attire for the day ahead. "You have training with the knights until noon," He moved to open the window and arrange the bed. "Then you have lunch, lord Byron requested that you'll dine with him and I haven't given your answer yet," He paused and turned to the king with one eyebrow raised.
The king was staring at Merlin with his hand frozen mid way to his mouth with the goblet.
"Sire?" Merlin asked and looked down at himself, his cloths had no stains and nothing was amiss, so why was the king looking at him like that?
"Sire?" Merlin asked again, his voice getting a bit higher and he forced himself to calm down.
"I'm sorry, what?" The king said, his hand completing its way to his mouth.
"Lunch with lord Byron?" Merlin repeated.
"Oh, no, I'm eating with Gwen today."
Merlin did his best not to flinch at the mention of her name.
"Of course sire, I'll let him know you are dining with the queen." Merlin said and finished fluffing the pillows.
"You should join us Merlin." The king said and Merlin froze, he couldn't do it, he couldn't be in the same room with the two of them.
"Unfortunately sire I can't." He said with false cheerfulness.
"Why ever not?" The king sounded irritated.
"Gaius, he needs some rare flowers and I asked Gwaine to help me and today is the only day he can." Merlin improvised quickly and prayed that Gwaine was free today.
"Sir Gwaine?" The king's voice was clipped and tight and Merlin didn't need to look at him to know that his eyes were narrowed.
"Indeed sire, Sir Gwaine, I forgot."
"That's not what I meant Merlin." The king said and Merlin shivered, it's been a while since Arthur said his name like that. Merlin's eyes widened as he realized he just called him… oh god, he needed to get out of there and now.
"Will that be all sire?" Merlin asked as he collected the dirty laundry and kept his face away from Arth- the king's eyes.
"You may go."
Merlin thanked the gods and made a hasty retreat for the door.
"Merlin?" The king's voice stopped him at the door.
"Sire?" He said without turning around.
"You will attend me at council meeting this afternoon." The king's voice broke no argument and Merlin knew he'd have no chance of escaping this time.
"Yes sire." He said and left the room.
The council meeting was a nightmare that Merlin couldn't escape from.
He had to stand there and look attentive and not like his heart was bleeding at the sight of Arthur and Gwen sitting on their thrones and holding hands as they held court.
He had to stand there and look how Arthur smiled when Gwen said something wise.
He had to stand there and look how happy was Arthur.
Merlin had no idea how he survived that meeting, perhaps it was Gaius's hand on his arm, comforting, reassuring, grounding, or maybe it was the small smiles that Gwaine kept throwing him and the mouthed 'hang on' every now and then.
Eventually it was over and the councilors were free to go.
Gwaine was by his side in a second, his hand squeezing Merlin's bicep and his other holding his hand reassuringly.
"Merlin?" He asked in a soft concerned voice.
"I'm… I need to get out." He managed to say at last.
"Right." Gwaine nodded and turned to Gaius. "I'll get him to that clearing, I don't think the tavern will be enough tonight."
Gaius nodded. "Just don't stay there too long, rain is on his way."
Gwaine nodded and wrapped his arm around Merlin's waist, leading him out of the hall.
None of them noticing Arthur's eyes as they followed them out of the hall and narrowed.
Arthur knew that something was up. He noticed the way Gwaine kept hovering around his Merlin, kept smiling at him and touching him and taking him along when he went to the tavern.
Arthur also noticed that Merlin stopped calling him 'Arthur', preferring to address him as 'Sire' most of the time and Arthur didn't like it one bit.
So he tried to get Merlin to talk to him again, to banter with him and laugh and do everything that they used to do before everything went so wrong.
Telling him to attend to him in today's council was a torture.
He had to sit there and hold Gwen's hand and smile at her as if it wasn't killing him that his love wasn't sitting beside him but instead he was standing near the wall, looking pale and pained like Arthur hasn't seen him in months and the only times he will smile a little was when Gwaine would smile at him and mouth some nonsense in his direction.
When it was finally over He saw Gwaine rushing to Merlin's side, his hand clutching Merlin with familiarity that made something dark and angry curl in Arthur's belly.
"… that clearing, I don't think the tavern will be enough tonight." He heard Gwaine telling Gaius and the old man nodded, saying something about rain before the two left the hall.
Arthur really didn't have a choice but to follow.
Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
"Maybe you should rest a bit Merlin!" Gwaine yelled over the noise of the roaring fire, the raging tornado and the shaking earth.
Merlin merely shook his head as his eyes glowed even brighter and the rumble could be heard above them.
He had to get it all out, he had to get all the pain out like that, this was the only way, Gwaine took his dagger away when he caught Merlin cutting his arm one day.
Gwaine's hand lay heavily on his shoulder and his other hand wrapped around his waist, drawing him closer to Gwaine's warm body and steadying him.
"Stop Merlin," Gwaine's voice whispered softly in his ear. "Come back to me."
And Merlin let go of his magic and allowed the fire to burn itself out, the tornado to blow over and the earth to stand still.
"Better?" Gwaine asked quietly, his arms still wrapped around Merlin's waist and the rain drizzled softly over them.
Merlin nodded, not trusting himself enough to talk.
"Good." Gwaine said but made no move to start going back to Camelot.
Merlin turned around in his arms and looked at him, his eyes widening as he saw Gwaine's eyes shining with unshed tears.
"Gwaine?" He asked softly, barely audible above the growing rain.
"I know you love him Merlin, but couldn't you give us a chance? I love you enough for the both of us." He added softly and his hand caressed Merlin's cheek.
Merlin was stunned into silence and when he didn't reply Gwaine moved closer and kissed him, it was chaste, barely a press of lips before he drew again and smiled sadly.
"I'm sorry." Merlin said, because he really was sorry. "I wish I could love you like you deserved, I wish I didn't love him as much as I do, I wish-"
Gwaine stopped him with a hand over his mouth, shaking his head.
"It doesn't matter Merlin," He said and shook his head again, letting go of Merlin's form and moving back, linking their hands together. "I have your friendship and it's enough, it has to be enough."
Merlin swallowed hard as new tears sprung to his eyes. "I'm sorry, Gwaine, I really do."
Gwaine gave a small smile and squeezed his hand.
"What a pair we are ah?"
Merlin gave a choked smile and started walking toward their horses.
He mounted his horse and then turned to Gwaine, giving a small smile.
"Now, do you know what the best cure for a broken heart is?"
Gwaine's snorted laughter made Merlin's smile to grow.
"What?"
"Getting drunk!" Merlin yelled and spurred his horse to move back towards Camelot.
This is the last time
Cause You and I
We were born to die
Arthur knew he shouldn't do it.
Arthur knew he shouldn't be ruling with his heart.
Arthur knew he shouldn't send good knights, excellent knights away due to selfish reasons.
Arthur knew.
But the difference between knowing and doing was very thin and very very unstable, so after that night at the forest when he saw what Gwaine really was to Merlin he couldn't stop himself and so Gwaine was sent as an ambassador to South Embledor, away from Camelot and more importantly, away from Merlin.
Arthur watched their goodbyes through his window, his heart breaking all over again just as it had that night.
"Don't cry Merlin, I'll write." Gwaine said as he made sure everything was ready.
"I tried to talk him out of it but he wouldn't, he won't, and he was just…" Merlin said and his shoulders sagged again, remembering the king's tight face and narrowed eyes.
"I know Merlin, I tried to talk to him as well but he is as pig headed as ever." Gwaine sighed and looked at Merlin, his eyes soft.
"You have to promise me something Merlin," He said with urgency in his voice and Merlin looked up from the ground.
"Anything." Merlin swore.
"You have to promise me you will stay strong for me," He said, his hands gripping Merlin's arms tightly.
"You have to promise me you won't try anything else, you have to promise me that you will talk to Gaius when things get too much and," He pulled out a dagger, Merlin's dagger. "I'm giving it back to you because I trust you Merlin, you are stronger than that." He closed Merlin's hand around the dagger's hilt and smiled a soft smile.
"You promise to still be here when I get back?"
Merlin's laugh was choked and more a sob than a laugh really but he nodded.
"Where else will I go?"
Gwaine nodded and mounted his horse.
"You promise me then?" He asked; his eyes boring into Merlin's own and Merlin gave a small smile.
"I promise." He said and watched how Gwaine nodded once and rode out of the yard, stopping at the exit and turning back to wave at Merlin.
"Write to me!" He yelled and Merlin laughed as the tears fell from his eyes and twisted Gwaine's form.
When the court yard emptied Merlin moved his hand from behind his back and uncrossed his fingers.
"You should know better than believe the word of a sorcerer." He whispered and held the dagger tightly, allowing the tip to pierce the top of his finger and smiling ruefully when he felt the blood rushing to the surface and then out, spilling out unto the yard.
Gaius's eyes snapped open as screams filled the chambers; he closed his eyes momentarily before he rushed to Merlin's room.
Another part is behind us and the next one is already in the making!
Review please!