A/N First of all and before anything else I would like to say thank you to EVERYONE that alerted and commented and favorited and all, you have no idea how much it means to me *Even if I'm starting to repeate myself*
Disclaimer: They are not mine *And in Merlin's case it's a good thing cause he suffered this time* they belong to the BBC.
The song belongs to Within Temptetion *You should totally check them out!*
On with the story!
I've been left out alone like a damn criminal
I've been praying for help cause I can't take it all
I'm not done,
It's not over.
Merlin spent the first night of Gwaine's absence in their clearing. He sat there for the entire night and burned down the grass around him only to make it grow again, his dagger laid on the ground beside him, clean and untouched, he had to try.
He lasted three days without his dagger before it all went down.
Merlin was walking slowly through the lower town, he was tired and sleep wasn't an option these days, when he saw the king and queen walking among the stalls. The king pointed at something in one of the stalls and the queen's laugh resonated through the market and Merlin's heart gave a painful twitch that made him gasp.
He turned around and started running, doing his best not to bump into people.
His heart hammered in his chest when he finally reached his chambers and locked the door behind him, Gaius was gone and Merlin swallowed thickly, he needed to do something, he needed to… His hand reached out on its own accord and the dagger came floating towards him even as Merlin shook his head and tried to will it away.
"No…" Merlin whispered as he sank down to the floor with the dagger clutched in his hands. "I can't, I promised him, please no…" The first cut came as a surprise to him, he had no idea when he unsheathed the dagger.
The next cuts were easier, familiar and soon his arm was covered in them as his face were covered with tears treks.
"I'm so sorry Gwaine…" He mumbled as he made another cut. "So sorry."
Now I'm fighting this war since the day of the fall
And I'm desperately holding on to it all
But I'm lost
I'm so damn lost
When Morgana started attacking again Merlin was almost grateful, almost.
This time she was smarter, she didn't sent spies or anything grand, simple magic users, filled with hatred for Camelot just as she was and Merlin was the only one who noticed.
The first time it happened was completely by accident. Merlin was out on the battlements when he saw the dark figure climbing up the wall without any rope.
Magic. His mind whispered as he moved automatically towards the figure.
The would be assassin was really surprised when he saw Merlin's shadow towering over him as he landed over the wall and Merlin only waved his hand and he was pinned to the wall.
"Wha-" He started saying before Merlin silenced him.
"I'm asking the questions here." Merlin said and he was oddly calm about the way the man's eyes widened and filled with fear.
"I'm going to ask you questions and you are going to answer with 'yes' or 'no' understood?" The man nodded.
"Good. Morgana sent you?"
A nod.
"To spy?"
A shake.
"To kill the king?"
A nod.
"Did she tell you there is a magic user in court?"
A shake.
Merlin paused and considered, there was only one option really.
The man's dead body was found the next morning, it's neck broken and Gaius concluded that his rope simply wasn't strong enough.
"Merlin?" Gaius asked quietly that evening.
"Hmmm?" Merlin hummed back as he kept reading the book he 'borrowed' from the library.
"That man…" Gaius said and Merlin could feel his gaze on him so he lifted his eyes from his book.
"What about him?"
"His neck wasn't broken from the fall."
Merlin froze.
"Oh?"
"It was broken before he fall, that height would have been enough to break his leg or something, not his neck." Gaius carried on, cautiously.
"Maybe he was lucky." Merlin answered and got up from his seat near the fire, he needed his dagger.
"Merlin," Gaius warned. "Where were you last night?" He asked and Merlin could hear the unspoken question. Did you do it?
"Good night, Gaius." He said without turning around.
He was more carful after that, no more broken necks or falling from high places.
A stabbing wound in vital organs.
A beating that got out of hand, the book he found had plenty of ideas about that sort of thing.
It took Merlin two months to realize that something was deeply wrong with him, his dreams got worse, he dreamt about his father's death and Nimueh and the Lamia all the time now, the cutting wasn't enough and Merlin found himself walking closer and closer to the edge of the wall every night he patrolled there.
He had no idea what to do, he tried writing to Gwaine but he couldn't put it in words, how can you write your best friend that you have become a murderer of your own kin? That death no longer disturbs you and that most nights he almost wishes there would be another attempt so he could use his magic to end their lives? To end their lives like he could not end his own?
Gaius took to looking at him with concerned eyes and Merlin's heart clenched painfully when he saw him, but it was too much and he couldn't tell it.
Everything crushed down on him fully when he was faced with the next assassin.
"The rumors said you were ruthless." He spat as Merlin held the dagger to his neck.
"Oh?" Merlin simply said.
He has taken to wearing a mask over his face in case anything went wrong and the assassin wouldn't die until morning.
"Yeah, they said you were a heartless bastard." He drew a whizzing breath, his throat grazing the edge of Merlin's dagger.
A heartless bastard? Merlin let out a bitter laugh. If only they knew how broken his heart is.
"Saying the people who are trying to kill the king, I really don't think you have the right to talk."
"I'm doing what needs to be done for our kin! Only with Pendragon's death can magic return to the land!" Merlin pressed the dagger harder and hissed in the man's face.
"Really? That's what the witch told you? That magic will return when she is queen?"
The man didn't answer but Merlin saw it in his eyes.
"She is lying, only death and destruction will follow if she will rule the land, magic users will never be free."
"And they are free now?" He asked, his voice quiet and defeated. "Are you free now?"
Merlin turned his gaze away and steadied his hand, he won't show weakness to this man.
"Are you?" The man repeated. "Are you free? If your king, the same king you are murdering your own kin for, will know about your magic will he accept you? Embrace you in his arms and thank you for saving his life?" The man's voice rose in volumes and Merlin cast a silencing spell around them.
His heart hammered in his chest as images from his nightmares played themselves in his head.
Fire. Pyre. Axe. Noose. Burning. Falling. Dying.
"He won't and you know it, you will die and burn at that yard like every one of our kin did! You will die!"
Merlin looked at him and for a moment his hand wavered, the dagger moving back away from the man's throat.
Merlin closed his eyes momentarily, trying to push away the voices that kept calling him in his dreams.
He will kneel at your feet…
So much power….
Join me….
Our right….
Our land…
Your destiny…
His hand moved without his consent and the man was clutching at his throat as blood spilled onto the ground and he collapsed, his wide eyes staring at Merlin accusingly and Merlin broke.
Oh I wish it was over,
And I wish you were here
He left the body at the bottom of the wall and ran away, his eyes seeing nothing but the flames that rose around him.
He came to a stop at the bottom of the ledge, the familiar ledge that Merlin spent hours at talking to Kilgharrah and trying to save Camelot again.
He walked slowly down the stone steps and climbed on the stone perch that Kilgharrah used to sit on and stared ahead.
The sobs came without warning and soon Merlin's whole body shook with the cries of anguish that tore through him.
There was no one there this time though; no one to hold him as he trembled through his cries and no one to drag him back from the oblivion as his magic poured out in agony, his hands trembled as he pulled out his dagger only to drop it down when he saw that it was still covered in the man's blood.
Eventually the sobs quieted down and Merlin rocked himself back and forth on the stone ledge as he tried to calm his beating heart.
"I can't do it…" He quietly mumbled to the cavern around him, his voice echoing around him.
"I can't do it… Oh god I just can't…"
In the blink of an eye
I can see through your eyes
As I'm lying awake I'm still hearing the cries
And it hurts
Hurts me so bad
Arthur was lost.
He had no idea where he went wrong but things with Merlin were not getting better. Arthur tried, he tried to talk to Merlin, tried to laugh with him, to give him less chores but nothing seemed to help, Merlin was more distant then ever and Arthur knew that somehow it was Gwaine's fault.
Merlin was missing him that much was certain but Arthur had no idea how to solve that, more importantly, he didn't want to solve that, he couldn't bear the thought of Merlin with anyone else and so he asked for Gwen's help.
Gwen suggested buying him a gift, as a thank you present of a sort, something that Arthur could give him before he told him he knew of his magic, before he told him he wanted to know everything. It all went good until he saw Merlin running away from the market after he spotted them.
He followed him and listened as Merlin cried in his rooms and he wanted to hold him so bad that he considered breaking down the door.
He took to watching Merlin more closely after that and that was how he found out about the dagger.
It was after another council meeting and Merlin was ordered to attend to him, Gaius wasn't present and Merlin looked like he was about to fall down any moment so Arthur closed the meeting early, following Merlin when he dashed from the room, in such a desperate manner that he didn't bother locking the door of the room he entered, leaving it open wide enough so that Arthur can see.
And Arthur saw.
He saw the dagger, glinting and sharp as Merlin unsheathed it from his boot.
He saw the anguished and broken look in Merlin's eyes as he took the dagger and pressed it to his arm.
He saw the tears as they poured down Merlin's face and unto the cuts, which healed again and again and again.
He saw the pool of blood that gathered around Merlin as he kept on cutting. Again and again and again.
And finally, he saw the broken smile that Merlin plastered on his face when he was done and wondered how could he have missed that.
How on earth could he miss that?
"Arthur…" Gwen's soft voice wasn't doing nothing to calm his racing heart as he tried to understand how, how could Merlin have got to this state and he didn't notice?
"What?" He rounded on her. "Are you going to tell me again that it's not my fault? He was cutting himself apart Gwen! Cutting!"
Gwen's eyes were filled with tears and suddenly Arthur remembered that Merlin was here friend too.
"I'm sorry Gwen, I shouldn't have, it's just…" He sighed and shook his head.
"I know, but we will help him, we'll tell Gaius and we will help him, he will be all right." She moved closer and hugged him.
"You will be all right."
Arthur shook his head as he hugged her tightly and screwed his eyes shut, Merlin's cries still echoing in his ears and his heart shrinking painfully.
And I'm wondering why I still fight in this life
'Cause I've lost all my faith in this damn bitter strife
And it's sad
It's so damn sad
"Merlin?" Gaius's soft voice carried through his door and Merlin groaned as pain ran through his arm, he found a spell, one that slowed down his body's healing process and there were now countless of cuts adorning his arm, Merlin gazed at them for a moment before Gaius's voice came again.
"Merlin?" Merlin heard the footsteps and dashed from his bed, looking around him for a shirt before Gaius opened the door and saw-
"I see you are up an-" Gaius stopped and Merlin closed his eyes and balled his fists, things in his room started shaking.
The door was closed and Gaius's hands grabbed Merlin's shoulder and gave him a good shake.
"What is that?" Gaius asked and Merlin knew that he was doing his best not to yell at him.
"Gaius, I-"
"Tell me it's not what I think it is, please tell me it's not…" His voice broke and he pulled Merlin into a crushing hug.
"You promised us," He whispered. "You promised Gwaine and me that you'll stop, that you stopped, Merlin…" Merlin swallowed and hugged Gaius's form back his own breath coming in short gasps as he felt himself losing control.
"I, I just, I'm not..." He started and then it was too late, he was crying in Gaius's arms and mumbling half incoherent sentences as Gaius stroked his back and hugged him even tighter.
"Slow down my boy, please, whatever it is I'm here, please just talk to me…"
Merlin took a few deep breaths and looked at Gaius, the old man was looking at him with such concern and love that he couldn't tell him everything, not about the murders at least, but he could tell him something.
"It's just, the dreams, they won't go away and I keep dreaming about my death, I keep dreaming about the pyre and the axe and well, it's true isn't it?" He said as he rose up and started pacing in his small room, Gaius listening intently for every word.
"What's true my boy?" He asked when Merlin didn't talk again.
"He will kill me. After everything I did; and everything I sacrificed for him he would kill me the moment he knows." Merlin took a deep breath and looked at Gaius, his eyes wet.
"This destiny they keep talking about, it will never happen, he will be just like his father."
"Merlin-"
"No! He was raised to hate magic Gaius! His father died because of magic, his own sister went mad with it and you still believe he will bring it back?"
Merlin's chest was heaving and his head hurt.
"This destiny… I'm tired of it." He said softly before the world turned black.
Gaius rushed to catch him before he hit the floor.
I feel you fading away
'Cause your soul is on fire
A shot in the dark,
What did they aim for when they missed your heart?
"Well?" Arthur said and hoped that his voice wasn't as shaken as he felt.
"He will be all right, I," Gaius hesitated and Arthur rolled his eyes.
"I know of his magic Gaius, it's okay."
"How-" Gaius started but Arthur raised his hand.
"Doesn't matter." He said briskly.
Gaius's eyebrow rose in his forehead but he said nothing more, glancing at Merlin's pale form on the bed.
"I took off the magic he used to stop his body from healing, his cuts will leave no sign sire."
"Good, what else?"
"I have given him the strongest potion I have for dreamless sleep but I'm afraid it will not do much good, Merlin's magic is…" Gaius trailed off.
"Is-" Arthur encouraged him.
"Extremely powerful, once he is rested a bit I'm afraid he will be up again and this time it will not be easy to convince him to lie down." He finished gravely and sat down heavily next to his ward.
"How long?" Arthur asked and looked at Merlin's face, pale and bruised, with dark circles under his eyes.
How long has it been going on?
How long has he been on that edge?
How long did he go through all of this alone?
How long was he fading away from them without anyone noticing?
Gaius gave him a hard look and Arthur recoiled as if stung.
"Since Gwaine." He said and Arthur looked away.
"He was having the nightmares and apparently the cutting after the incident with sir Lancelot, Gwaine, Gwaine was there for him and for the time I thought he will be all right." Gaius sighed and caressed Merlin's hair softly.
"But then he was sent away and Merlin was…" Gaius shook his head.
"I thought he will be all right, he didn't say anything and he wasn't screaming in his sleep anymore and-" Gaius's shoulders slouched. "I should have known he was using a silencing spell! I should have looked after him better, I should have-"
"No." Arthur said and his voice shook.
"I should have, I should have done so many things differently. I should have-"
A knock on the door interrupted him and Gaius rose to answer the door, leaving Arthur alone with Merlin's sleeping form.
Arthur swallowed down the lump in his throat as he looked at his friend, his love's pale and bruised face.
"I should have thanked you after this whole mass, I should have told you I love you, I should have told you the real reason why I'm marrying Gwen, I should have been there for you."
Arthur pressed his forehead to Merlin's and breathed in his smell.
"I'm so sorry my love, for everything you have been through, I'll make it up for you, I swear."
I breathe underwater
It's all in my hands
What can I do?
Don't let it fall apart
A shot in the dark
Merlin was floating.
There was nothing around him, just darkness and silence and it felt nice, it felt like falling asleep in the snow, back when Gwaine saved him, or destroyed him, depends on how you looked at it.
Merlin tried to open his eyes only to see everything had a bluish look, and things were swaying from side to side like they were…
underwater…
Suddenly Merlin couldn't breathe, he withered and gasped and clawed at his own throat as he tried to take a deep breath.
Emrys
The sound came from all around him and Merlin stopped struggling so he could listen more closely.
Emrys, come
And Merlin floated up and up until he was out of the water and on the shore, he recognized the lake, it was the same one Arthur nearly drowned in because of the Sideh and the lake he buried Freya and Lance and-
"Emrys." The voice repeated and Merlin turned around to see Alator.
"Alator?" Merlin croaked and coughed again as his throat burned.
Alator stood there silently and waited.
"What are you doing here?" Merlin whispered eventually.
Alator shrugged. "It was the only way to contact you safely."
"What? In my dreams? Or err, nightmares really?"
Alator nodded. "We need your help Emrys."
Merlin let out a humorless laugh. "Don't you see what's going on? I'm losing my mind, I know that much, I spent the last several months murdering our kin and cutting myself in my free time! I don't think I can help you Alator, not now."
"They were not our kin," Alator said gravely. "Sent by the witch to destroy you and the young Pendragon, they were nothing but magic users sent forth to bring destruction and pain."
Merlin averted his eyes. "They were still humans and I killed them."
Alator nodded. "You did what you had to do Emrys, the witch cannot succeed in her mission."
Merlin sighed and sat down on the grass.
"What do you want Alator?"
"Your help."
"Yes," Merlin agreed and looked at him. "You said that, but my help with what?"
"The witch united her forces with the druid boy-"
"Mordred?" Merlin was on his feet in no time.
"Indeed. She plans on attacking my city and force me to tell her about your true identity." Alator said with a solemn look on his face.
"My identity? But Mordred knows it! Why didn't he tell her?"
"I do not know the mind of the druid boy, but my people, your people are in need of your help."
Merlin shook his head.
"My people? I can't help myself! This is not my destiny anymore Alator, the prophecy was wrong, I can't do it!" His arm was itching and Merlin knew that on his real body his magic was fixing his arms.
"You are far more strong than you think Emrys." He said and stared at Merlin, his blue eyes unwavering.
"I can't, I-"
"Your dreams," Alator started and Merlin whirled around and stared at him.
"What?" He said shakily.
"I know of their origin."
"Tell me." Merlin asked. "Please."
"You are abandoning your destiny," Alator said slowly and Merlin stared at him silently, he was after all doing just that. "The dreams are destiny's way of punishing you for doing that." He finished and looked at Merlin.
"Destiny is punishing me? For abandoning it?"
"Indeed."
Bile rose in Merlin's mouth and he bend over to empty his stomach on the grass.
He could never be free…
"And if I keep on ignoring my destiny?"
"Then you shall be tormented for the rest of your life." Alator said in a grave tone.
"It's not going to be so long by this rate." Merlin said in a choked voice.
"Please Emrys," Alator pleaded again. "Your people need you, destiny need you."
"Destiny needs a poppet to play with." He spat bitterly.
Alator said nothing.
"And if I help you, and I'll kill Morgana and Mordred will destiny leave me alone?"
"It will."
Merlin looked at him for a moment before nodding.
"I will do it then."
Alator smiled widely.
"I will come in three days Emrys, farewell until then."
Merlin woke up gasping to a darkened room.
The end of another chapter, this one was more tricky, I rewritten it at least four times before I was happy with it,
so, tell me what you think and if you liked it!
Much love!