Hello! A bit behind schedule but I think it was worth it. So this is the one before last chapter *I really can't belive it's happening* and I really hope you'll like it! A few notes before we begin:
1. I would like to say thank you for these who alerted and favorited *It's so nice to see this kind of thing in my mail ;)* and special thanks for these who took the time to comment, especially: tgnd1990 , AmandaFray and Limnamae *who's comments made me smile especially wide :D*
2. Disclaimer: Not mine, and neither is the song that belongs to Evanescence and is called Bring me back to life.
3. This chapter containes a lot *And I mean a lot* of flashbacks from the series, so it's kind of contains spoilers if you haven't seen the first three seasons, so consider yourself warned.
That would be all, I really hope you'll enjoy it!
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Merlin blinked his eyes open, slowly, carefully, he tried not to think, not to feel, just concentrated on opening his eyes.
He opened them into darkness, deep, all consuming darkness and Merlin opened his mouth to scream because it couldn't end like this, he didn't deserve the eternal darkness; he didn't.
When the blackness moved away it revealed a snowy landscape with nothing for many miles around them.
Merlin tried to focus his gaze and frowned when he realized that the darkness belonged to a pair of eyes, a little girl's eyes.
"What?" Merlin whispered weakly.
The girl smiled and reached a hand to caress Merlin's cheek.
"You did it Emrys." She said and her voice echoed around them over and over until it was all that Merlin could hear and he shut his eyes again, trying to block everything out.
"Where am I?" He asked finally, not opening his eyes.
The girl was silent and Merlin risked a peek at her; she was frowning as if Merlin insulted her and Merlin opened his mouth to apologize when she spoke.
"I don't know where we are Emrys, it is your realm."
"What?"
The girl shrugged and started skipping around him, circling him again and again.
"Your realm." She repeated. "Your inner spirit, soul, whatever you humans call it."
Merlin rose slowly to his hands and knees and stared at her.
"Are you saying that I'm inside my own soul?"
She stopped her circling and looked at him.
"I guess." She said and pulled out a doll from thin air.
"My soul is a frozen…something?" Merlin's face scrunched up in distaste.
"That is so not fair." He crossed his arms in front of him like a child and stared at the girl. "And who are you anyway?"
The girl lifted her eyes from the doll and stared at him with her black eyes.
"I'm destiny."
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Merlin stared at her for a long time before he shook his head.
"That is not true. You cannot be destiny, you are-"
"I took this form so as not to startle you Emrys." The girl interrupted. "I can take any other form I wish."
With that she abandoned the doll in the snow and closed her eyes, a moment later she was a young woman, her gown flowing around her in soft waves and Merlin reached out to touch it.
It was soft, silky and Merlin pulled his hand away almost immediately as if burned.
"That's…"
But the woman, destiny, it would seem, already closed her eyes and suddenly Merlin couldn't see a thing, he was surrounded in blackness and he couldn't breathe.
"Do you believe me now Emrys?" The voice boomed from all around him and Merlin covered his ears as it flooded his senses.
"I am destiny." The voice repeated and Merlin bowed his head.
Suddenly the wind stopped and the darkness vanished and before Merlin stood the same little girl.
Merlin took a deep breath before he looked at her again.
"So, how come you are here?"
Destiny gave a soft smile and patted his head like a mother would do for her child.
"You have fulfilled your destiny my child and now you may rest in peace."
"Am I dead?" Merlin asked again, as he thought about all the people he left behind.
"No. Not yet, Mordred poisoned you and your body and magic are trying to fight it back in the mortal world."
Merlin looked down at himself and noted that yes; he was in fact a mere reflection of himself.
"So why am I here? Shouldn't I be back there? Trying to fight the poison?"
Destiny's smile turned sad.
"You didn't want to. You were given the choice to remain in the mortal realm and you refused."
"I…" Merlin started saying when a bright flash crossed his vision and he remembered.
"You may choose Merlin…" The voices whispered softly.
"Choose what?" Merlin yelled back, he was so tired.
"You may choose whether to live or to be free." They answered him and there really was no choice at all as Merlin went towards the light.
"I didn't think… I was so tired… I just wanted everything to stop; it was all too much…" Merlin's hands grabbed his head as he tried to block out everything that happened, he didn't remember anything until he thought about it and then the memories just kept coming.
His blood dripping in a steady stream unto the wooden floor…
Gwaine's face as he kissed him…
His own heart breaking with every murder he committed…
Gaius's resigned face as he left…
His dying people…
Morgana's mad eyes…
Mordred's final words…
Arthur…
"Make it stop." He sobbed into the cold ground, his tears leaving burning trails on his cheek in their wake.
"Please make it stop." He begged as more memories flooded him, older ones.
"I wish I could Emrys but this is your life, your choices."
"I don't want to choose!" Merlin screamed and his voice echoed across the land.
"I just want it to end."
Destiny was silent for a long time and Merlin's breathe finally evened out as he fall asleep.
"I'm sorry my child, but soon you will understand everything."
She rose slowly to her feet and started walking away, leaving behind her only the doll.
Wake me up
wake me up inside
I can't wake up,
wake me up inside
Save me,
call my name and save me from the dark
Wake me up,
bid my blood to run
I can't wake up
before I come undone
Save me,
save me from the nothing I've become
Merlin was walking slowly through the forest, his eyes kept glancing around him and he knew that something wasn't right, he was following someone or maybe someone was following him?
The forest was unnaturally quiet and Merlin stopped; his eyes wide and his heart beating frantically in his chest.
"Who's there?" He called out into the trees surrounding him and his hand curled into a tight fist when there was no answer.
He turned around and was about to start walking again when he heard a noise; a growl and the snap of a twig made Merlin break into a run and he started dashing through the trees, jumping over fallen logs and slipping on the mud covered leaves.
He was breathing hard when he made the mistake of glancing behind his shoulder; he spotted a dark cloud of something making his way towards him before he stumbled and landed on his face, hard.
"No, no." He mumbled as he tried to rise to his feet before the cloud enveloped him completely; and then he couldn't breathe, he couldn't open his eyes and everything was hurting.
Arthur. Passed through his mind, Arthur will come for him, Arthur will come to save him, he always did.
Merlin tried to open his mouth to call for Arthur, let him know that he was out here in this darkness, that he was still alive; but the darkness entered his mouth and he tasted blood and dirt and pain and misery.
He felt his knees give way and he crushed to the floor while his hands clawed at his throat in a futile attempt to get the darkness out.
"Arthur…" Merlin croaked and the darkness intensified, moving faster now and covering him completely, he was drowning in darkness and there was no one to save him, Arthur wouldn't come to save him before the darkness swallowed him whole, before he became nothing more than a shade.
"Arthur…" He tried again before his eyes rolled back and there was nothing more.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Merlin woke up gasping and he quickly scrambled up, his eyes wide and wild as he summoned up his magic, only to realize that he couldn't feel it. His magic was gone.
Merlin crushed down to the snow covered ground again and stared around him for a long time.
He could still taste the blood and dirt from the darkness in his dream and he wondered how on earth he was capable of dreaming in the first place! Wasn't he supposed to be in the safety of his own mind; or soul? Why would he dream of such horrors when he was supposed to be safe?
Destiny vanished, leaving behind her the doll and Merlin grabbed it, staring at the toy for a while before shaking his head, it wouldn't do to just sit down and wait for something to happen, if he wanted out of this place he will have to find out a way by himself.
He started walking, all the while trying to summon his magic back but to no avail, his magic was gone and Merlin wondered what will he do without it, if he ever got out of this place and went back without his magic it would be unbearable, he couldn't live without his magic, it was part of him, part of what made him Merlin.
Merlin frowned as he reached a cross road, both roads seemed completely identical but something told Merlin that there was a difference, there had to be.
A sudden gust of wind alerted him to the arrival of a new being and Merlin stared in wonder as the new stranger turned out to be himself.
"Err…" Merlin started. "Hello?"
The new Merlin rolled his eyes and sighed. "We need to wait for another you before we can start." He simply said and sat down on the snow near the right road.
"Another me?" Merlin asked with confusion marring his voice.
The new Merlin just sighed again. "Yeah, just wait, he'll be here in a while."
So Merlin sat down, in the snow, in the middle of the road and waited.
A while after that, though it could have been hours or days or months the other Merlin arrived; he looked just like the first Merlin and the two of them looked just like Merlin himself.
"Okay," Merlin started slowly. "What is going on here?"
The two Merlins looked at each other before they turned to him and said in union.
"Your first choice is here Emrys, each road you'll take is a different choice, once you have taken one, you can't take the other nor return here."
Merlin stared at them and then at the roads before him.
"What's the difference?" He asked, feeling slightly sick.
The left Merlin smiled sadly. "Should you choose this road Emrys, your magic will be taken from you, forever, when you'll return to the mortal realm you will be powerless."
Merlin stared at him in horror. "What?" He squeaked
The right Merlin then looked at him and said; with the same sad smile. "Should you choose this road instead Emrys, your magic will return, stronger than ever."
Merlin frowned. "That is a good thing right? I need my magic." He said and made to move forward the right road.
"Do consider your choice Emrys." The two Merlins said at the same time.
"What do you mean?" Merlin demanded. "It's my magic! I need it."
"Whatever for?" The left Merlin asked.
"What?"
"Morgana and Mordred are dead, there is no threat to the once and future king, there is no use for your magic."
"There will be, Arthur cannot unite Albion without my magic, the dragon-"
"But will he accept it?" The right Merlin asked quietly.
"Will the once and future king accept your magic?"
"I, I," Merlin tried to remember the battle, tried to remember if Arthur's eyes spoke of betrayal, of death back in Camelot; he couldn't find anything. "I don't know." He said eventually, in a quiet, defeated voice.
The Merlins nodded. "You have to consider it very carefully Emrys; it may be your death sentence to take your magic back."
Merlin screwed his eyes shut and tried to calm his racing heart.
He did fulfill his destiny and surely Arthur will be able to unite Albion without magic by his side?
Merlin shook his head, but no; Kilgharrah said that it was Merlin's destiny to bring magic back didn't he?
Merlin was supposed to help Arthur unite Albion and bring magic back to the land, how could Merlin do that if he gave up his magic?
But if Arthur did see him as a traitor and planed on burning him once he was awake again then being without magic surely would save him?
The wind picked up again and Merlin shivered, he shouldn't be able to shiver.
"How will I know?" He asked the two Merlins. "How will I know what is the right choice?"
The two Merlins looked at him in silence. "We cannot assist you Emrys; this is your choice to make."
Merlin rubbed his eyes and tried to think. Memories, deep and old came rushing back.
Merlin was sitting with Gaius in their rooms. "If I can't use magic, I might as well die…"
Gilli's voice, rough and bitter. "I'm not going to apologize for who I'm! You can be a servant and pretend to be less than them but I'm not going to!"
"No, it's not what I do!"
"No? You're defending the king; protecting a man that would have you dead!"
"I'm protecting you!"
"You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are."
"That's, that's not true…"
"Isn't it?"
Merlin dropped to his knees as the memories ripped through him and his breathe came out in short gasps of air.
When he finally rose he looked down for a long moment before lifting his eyes and the Merlins gasped.
"I've chosen." Merlin said; his voice hard and his eyes glowing.
"I've been living in the shadows and darkness of lies for far too long. It's my time to choose."
With that he strode towards the right road and didn't look back.
All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Merlin walked on the frozen road for a long time, he wondered what was going on back in the mortal world, have they brought him back to Camelot? Was Gaius treating the poison coursing through his body already? Will he make it?
Suddenly the world shifted and Merlin stopped in his tracks, shell shocked at the new scenery around him.
Crystals, everywhere he turned there were crystals, huge, massive ones that rose from the ground and climbed high into the sky as far as the eye could see; Merlin shivered, he remembered what happened the last time he looked into a crystal.
Merlin moved carefully, doing his best not to touch anything, the crystals were black, quiet and Merlin hoped that maybe they hadn't noticed him, maybe-
The crystal to his side flickered to life and Merlin froze, unable to move another inch, his eyes stared into the crystal as the vision unfolded.
He was standing in front of his mother, a pyre was burning in the distance and Merlin knew that it was Will's. His mother was crying and clutching his shoulders.
"They must never know." She whispered.
"They must never find out."
"Don't worry, mother." Merlin assured her. "They never do."
Merlin's eyes snapped open as he tore his eyes away from the crystal, not a vision, a memory than, crystals of memories?
.NO. Merlin started running faster and faster, looking ahead of him and doing his best to ignore the crystals.
I can't see, I won't see. His mind whispered frantically.
But the crystals were stronger and soon the voices were too strong to ignore them and as Merlin kept on moving through them he could hear them, hear the whispers, the voices from his past, calling and whispering to him.
How small you are for such a great destiny…
You expect me to take your word over that of a knight?
Will's pyre burning in the distance and Arthur's impassive face as Merlin wept silently.
The isle of the blessed and Nimueh flashes before his eyes as the lightning strikes the old priestess to the ground.
Merlin's foot got tangled in an exposed root and he stumbled forward before he realized what is going on.
With his eyes closed Merlin tried to stop the next onslaught of memories.
He treats you like a slave… He cast you aside without a moment's thought...
Gaius's broken body lying in the dungeon after the witch finder has had his fill of today's torment...
Frey's burning body…
His father's dead body, lying in his arms and the power that coursed through him as he commanded Kilgharrah for the first time…
Merlin rose quickly and started running faster, the next memories were worse, so much worse and he couldn't see them, couldn't see how he faced them alone, all in the pathetic hope that Arthur will understand.
The next wave caught him when he paused to gulp some much needed air.
The undead army and Morgana's final descend to the darkness…
Poisoning Gaius to save his life…
The crystal cave, the death and destruction…
The fisher king's smiling face when he was finally free…
You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are…
Merlin couldn't carry on like this. He stopped and sat on the ground, his head between his hands as the next rush of memories arrived.
Lance's soft smile as he walked into the veil…
Arthur's stone cold face as his father died by magic's hand…
The burn of the Fommorah as it took control of his mind…
You are nothing but a servant…
Lance's burning body…
Exile…
And then he was out.
Merlin burst through the forest of crystals and stopped; shaking and gasping for air as the sobs rocked his body and burned his lungs.
Merlin stumbled the next few steps until he collapsed in the snow and allowed the sleep to take him.
The soft drizzle woke Merlin up and he blinked owlishly as the rain drops fall softly unto his face. He rolled over to his back and closed his eyes again, breathing in the fresh scent of the grass below his body.
His eyes snapped open; Grass?
Merlin rose to his feet quickly and summoned his magic, delighted when the ancient power answered his call swiftly and without delay.
He was standing in the middle of a stone circle that radiated of power of the old religion.
"Where am I?" Merlin asked softly, his eyes scanning the huge stones that surrounded him.
"It doesn't matter Emrys." A voice answered him from the thin air.
Merlin whirled around and looked frantically around him, trying to find the owner of the voice.
"Who are you?" He yelled back.
"An old friend." The voice answered and Merlin snorted.
"Then show yourself, friend." He said sarcastically.
"There is no need for that Emrys. Have you learned what you wanted to?"
"What?" Merlin asked confused.
"Have you learned that which you have come here to learn?" The voice repeated.
Merlin's frown deepened. "I'm not sure I understand."
The voice was silent for a long time and Merlin looked around him, his mind racing with unknown questions.
"You have decided to come here to learn about your past and to decide your future Emrys."
"What is that even mean?" Merlin's voice shook.
"You have fulfilled part of your destiny Emrys, all the threats to the once and future king have been removed and it was your choice to come here and decide whether or not you shall continue in step with the young Pendragon."
"No…" Merlin said slowly. "I'm here because Mordred poisoned me and I was tricked into this realm in order to rest or err," Merlin stumbled over his words. "Something like that."
"You have been brought here so you may decide, so you may take your destiny into your own hands."
The words dragged another memory and Merlin closed his eyes as it unfolded in front of him.
Merlin was standing in front of Kilgharrah in the meadow behind Camelot, demanding answers that the dragon hidden from him for a long time.
"How dare you?" He screamed. "I'm not a puppet to destiny's will! I will not be tormented by it for choosing my-"
"You have a destiny that you must fulfill warlock!" Kilgharrah boomed. "You can't break down over patty things such as-"
"I have a right to choose my path!" Merlin yelled and his eyes flared gold as he forced Kilgharrah to submission.
"I have the right to choose my path as I see fit, destiny has no right to do that!" He was breathing hard and his hands were curled to white knuckled fists.
"You may wish to choose your own path young warlock but if it will not lead to the desired result in destiny's eyes than it is not a path to be taken."
Merlin threw his hands in the air and screamed his frustrations.
"Destiny succeeded." He simply said and started walking.
"I will assist Alator and destroy the witch and Mordred, after that, my path will be written by me."
Without thought, without voice, without soul
There must be something more
Bring me to life
Merlin's eyes snapped open and the voice's silence seemed to be a satisfied one.
"Indeed Emrys." The voice confirmed and Merlin took a deep breath.
"The choice is mine," He started slowly. "And it's my turn to choose my path."
A soft glow started to illuminate the small circle.
"I've been hiding who I am for too long," The voice hummed in agreement.
"I've suffered alone for too long, living in the shadows and pretending to be something I'm not."
The light was brighter now and Merlin started smiling.
"It's my time now."
And with that the circle filled with light and Merlin's eyes glowed with it, illuminating the darkness that spread around the circle before exploding into thousands brilliant stars and then the circle was empty.
Oh dear me, it's done. You know the drill by now- R&R yeah?