Chapter 45: All I Ever Wanted (Kelly Clarkson)
AN: This was supposed to be up over March break but, that just wasn't going to happen. It's a little late, but enjoy!
Noelle was parking the car, and I was heading back to Billings. I hoped that I wouldn't see anyone on my way over there. I didn't want to have to explain, or act all cheery for them. Of course, fate was not on my side. The last person I ever wanted to see again was standing in the middle of the quad as I made my way over to Billings. I hoped that if I stayed in the shadows, he wouldn't see me and I could make it back to Billings without having to talk to him. No such luck. Just as I thought I was home free, Josh saw me, calling out to me. I planned to just keep walking, but all of a sudden I was more pissed than upset with him.
I turned around to face him, and seeing that hopeful look on his face made me even madder. He seemed to think that I was ready to forgive him, not even close. My mind was reeling. In that moment, I hated him even more than I had when I first found him with Ariana. That tore me apart, but I could deal with it in the moment. I didn't think I could ever forgive him, and he should expect nothing less after the Hell he has put me through.
"I can't believe you. The nerve you have. I catch you cheating on me, and then you expect me to just forgive you? That's not going to happen." I took a deep breath, and Josh opened his mouth to speak, but I wasn't finished yet. "How long have you been with Ariana behind my back? You know what, I don't even care."
I turned around to walk away before I did something I would regret. Josh caught my wrist as I tried to walk away. "No Josh. I'm DONE! You didn't just break my heart, you shredded it and stomped on it. If I wasn't enough anymore you should've just left me. I stayed with you through a lot. All of the accusations, the lies, Thomas' death, all of it but this is the last straw. Don't try to talk to me again."I turned around and ran for Billings, trying to stop the tears streaming down my face. I didn't want anyone to see me like this, but I felt totally out of control. My eyes burned with unshed tears, and the trees blurred before me.
I made it into Billings and collapsed to the floor. I didn't have enough energy or the will to take one more step after the night I'd had. My legs shook beneath me though I was already collapsed on the floor. My body wracked with sobs that I tried my best to contain. I didn't want them to see me like this, but I was out of control.
I was sure the girls were staring at me, but I didn't care. I was miserable, and after tonight, I had every right to be. At some point Noelle came back from parking the car and coaxed me up to our room before finally allowing me to collapse on my bed.
Josh POV
It is official. I am the biggest idiot on the face of the planet. Everything Reed said was true and yet I held out hope that she would hear me out, not that I deserve it. I allowed something to happen between me and Ariana, even though I should have known better. I don't know what came over me. All of a sudden, I just couldn't seem to control myself. In the back of my head, I could hear a small little voice telling me that what I was doing was wrong, but even though I heard it, I couldn't seem to stop. I had considered telling Reed this, but she was right. I had done nothing good for her. All I had done from the beginning was accuse her, and suck her into my problems, and yet, she had always forgiven me for all of it, but I guess this was all she could take, and I didn't blame her for ending things. I was almost ready to when I thought there was a chance that she had cheated on me with Thomas.
"Stupid, stupid stupid!" I mumbled to myself.
I heard a familiar, high-pitched annoying laugh from behind me. Ariana. I wheeled around to face her.
"This is as much your fault as is mine. You did this just to hurt Reed."
"And why did you do it Josh?" Ariana sneered at me.
I fought for words. Why did I do it? I couldn't think of an answer for myself, much less one for Ariana.
"Exactly. You just couldn't resist the temptation. You clearly don't love Reed as much as you claim to." Ariana turned and stalked away from me, leaving me absolutely speechless. I realized the truth of her words and it shocked me. I felt myself losing control. I had done this to myself, but I had never meant for it to happen.
I gawked at her back, wishing there was something witty I could come up with to say to her. Of course, I came up with nothing and stood there continuing to look like an idiot, and feeling even worse about myself. I hated myself even more than before. My mind was reeling. I wanted only to fix my terrible, life altering mistake, but I knew there was no hope. Reed would never forgive me for this, and she shouldn't.
At some point, my feet took me back to my room, where I promptly collapsed on my bed with a groan, wishing I could turn back time.