A/N: Thank all of you for your wonderful reviews! To be honest, I wasn't expecting so much feedback! You guys are awesome.

I'll be honest, I cried when I wrote this chapter. Pathetic, isn't it? I BLAME PANDORA. (All of my sappiest/saddest scenes are written while listening to the John Powell station)

Enjoy!

It was Gwen who first noticed.

"Where's Merlin?" She'd asked Arthur halfway through their dance.

"Said he's not going to dance tonight," Arthur told her, "Some horrid excuse of not dancing well, though I know he just doesn't want to." He rolled his eyes. Gwen remained concerned.

"Yes, I'd noticed that, but… where is he?"

"Oh," Arthur turned in step with the dance so Gwen was facing the right direction. "He's just over the-" And he stopped and frowned when he didn't see Merlin. "Well, he wasjust there last time I saw him. Perhaps he's with Gaius?"

Gwen twisted her neck around. Gaius and Alice had stepped out of dancing long ago. "No," She said, seeing only the physician and his lady friend, "I don't know where he is."

Arthur looked slightly troubled. All of his knights were accounted for on the dancing floor (save Gwaine, who was too drunk to walk straight, let alone dance) so Merlin couldn't possibly be with them. Where was that man?"

"I'm sure he's just stepped out for some air. You know him, not too fond of crowds," Arthur said. Although the king seemed content with his own excuse, something in Gwen's gut kept her uneasy.

"I suppose…" She said, though not wholeheartedly. Nevertheless, she put on a smile and determined herself to enjoy the rest of the evening. She convinced herself that Merlin would be back in a few minutes, as Arthur said.

But he didn't show up. After asking around, Gwen was told that Merlin had retired to his chambers hours ago. She thought it was severely unlike him to leave a celebration so early, but since it was too late to go and ask why he'd left, she merely asked one of her maids to make sure that the Court Sorcerer was looked after and left some breakfast for the next day. It was the least she could do.

The rest of the party went by quickly and joyously, though most of the court seemed just the slightest bit off without Merlin there as well. Still, the King and Queen both enjoyed the feast immensely, and were both smiling by the time the last partygoers had left the grand hall. Still, as she fell asleep that night, a concerned thought still lingered in the back of Gwen's mind: Merlin.

Merlin awoke to see his window curtains glowing with sunlight. A shadow flitted across the back of the fabric as a noisy little swallow flew away from where it'd been chirping like a personal wake-up call for the Court Sorcerer, and groggily, Merlin sat up in bed.

In an unspecific wave of fatigue, Merlin realized that he had absolutely no desire to move. Something told him he should be up by now, but then, part of him wondered why. He didn't bother changing from his baggy night shirt when he walked out of his room. On the second story of his tower, the floors were wooden, but his bare feet discovered that they were just as cold as the stone would be downstairs. Blank-faced, he huddled himself on the sofa and dug his feet into a blanket there.

Reminders of his sudden depression banged around in his head, words from the mouths of the knights, Arthur, and others who had unintentionally hit a nerve with their innocent comments and cheer. It wasn't their fault, Merlin knew, and he tried not to blame any of them for the heavy cloud on his heart, but part of him just couldn't help but resent them for it. Amid all the internal gabble, he tried hardest to ignore that one name, the name that hurt the most. Even unspoken, the name cause him pain.

Suddenly, his stomach growled. He looked down at it and sighed. He didn't make it habit to keep his pantry stocked, even though he had his own small kitchen downstairs. He supposed this meant a trip to the palace kitchens, which would mean going down through the main hall, which would mean getting dressed… Merlin hauled himself up from the couch. As soon as he turned around, he stopped.

"Gwen!" He said in surprised, suddenly unsure of what to do. "I didn't, ehhmm… What are you doing here?" He asked, wishing he'd changed clothes earlier. She was holding a tray of food, he saw, and wondered why.

"Oh, you are awake." She smiled at him. "I just thought that you'd be a bit hungry, and most of the staff is sleeping, after all their work last night, so…" She looked down at the breakfast tray she was holding. "It's still warm," She said after he didn't respond.

"Oh, of course," he said, snapping out of his surprise. "I, uh, thanks, Gwen. You didn't have to do that. I'll just… Go change now."

"Oh, Merlin, it's fine – It's just me, after all."

And that was one of the things that made Gwen his best friend. She was such a sister figure to him, it didn't matter if he was in his sleep clothes or not. Internally, his heart warmed and it showed ever so slightly in his smile as he sat down with her and began to eat.

"Why'd you leave so early last night? I was looking for you," Gwen told him.

"Oh," A mask slid up over Merlin's face as he shrugged away the question. "I'm not all one for parties. I was getting tired," He said. She frowned at him, wishing he didn't feel the need to make up excuses.

"Merlin," She said seriously, "I don't believe that for one second." He looked down at his feet, and she waited for a moment before saying kindly, "What's really wrong?" They'd abandoned any attempt at eating as the conversation grew serious, but Merlin continued to pick at the piece of bread in his hand.

"Oh, you know…" Merlin was clearly uncomfortable "Just…" he looked like he was searching for the right words, but suddenly cut himself off. "You know what? It's not important." He smiled at her. "Don't worry about it."

"Merlin." Gwen put a hand on his arm and looked him in the eye. "It is important. It's important to me. You can tell me, Merlin."

He looked down at her and realized, with her pure gentleness and their close friendship, he was fighting a losing battle. He desperately needed to confide in someone, and Gwen was the only person he could imagine confiding in about this particular subject. His shoulders slumped and he sighed as he tried to find a good place to start. Gwen watched patiently.

"It's just…" He took a breath and although he intended to say something far more lengthy and explanatory, only breathed out one word, "…lonely." He tried to smile up at her. "I mean, seeing you, Arthur, everyone so happy, it's amazing. I know that you two love each other, it's good to see that," Gwen smiled at this concession, "And all the knights, and Gaius, and, and… well, everyone is so happy." He was smiling, but as he spoke, Gwen began to realize that it was a façade. "And I'm happy for you. But… I just, I had to go. I'm sorry I didn't stay longer."

He hadn't answered Gwen's question. If anything, he'd raised several more. She thought over what he'd said before asking,

"…Are you happy, Merlin?"

He'd looked at her with such speechlessness that he didn't need to answer. He realized this and didn't bother to try. Instead, he turned his eyes back to his feet.

"Merlin, why ever not?" She asked kindly. It looked like it pained him to think about what she'd asked. This was one of the many moments where she saw in Merlin a certain presence, a certain haunted look in his eyes that Arthur often spoke of, a look that reminded the king and queen just how little they really knew about their sorcerer friend. Merlin thought for a moment more before he said,

"When… When you lost your father, Gwen," Only Merlin could bring up such a touchy subject and not offend her, "Was it hard, seeing other people with their parents?"

"Of course," Gwen answered. She wasn't sure what Merlin was getting at, but she would go along with him to see what he had to say. "I couldn't stand it. It hurt." At this, Merlin nodded solemnly.

"It does hurt," He said, almost to himself. Then, to her, "It- it hurt last night..." He paused to take a strained breath, "To see everyone with each other. You, with Arthur, Percival with Aurella, Gaius and Alice, even. You all love each other so much. You're all so, so lucky," he told her honestly, "and with so many lucky people, it's hard to admit that you're alone. It hurts. A lot. Especially when it wasn't always like that." He shrugged. "I couldn't bear to stay."

Gwen tried to absorb what he's just bared before her, words from his aching heart that revealed a side to her old friend that she'd never seen before. As she realized the full implications of what he'd just said, Gwen's eyes slowly opened to a part of Merlin that she'd never knew existed.

"Merlin… have you ever been so 'lucky', as you say?"

All at once, his eyes were a million miles away, his face sagging with age he didn't yet have. "Once," he whispered.

There was a long silence before Gwen dared to ask, "What happened?"

Merlin closed his eyes against the pain. "She died," His voice wavered.

"Oh, Merlin," Gwen's heart ached for her friend. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

"Don't," Merlin said. "It's… You couldn't have known. It was a long time ago." His voice was clipped.

She wondered if he was sad over the one instance, or his lonely situation. "You know, Merlin, you don't have to be alone," She made her voice as caring as she could, "I know there's plenty of kind women here in Camelot who-"

"No," Merlin cut her off, "No," He said again, quieter. "It not like that. When I see you and Arthur, Gaius and Alice, it's not just me being reminded of how I don't have anyone, it's me remembering how I don't… can't have her back." His eyes shone. "It's so much different. I don't just want love for love's sake, Gwen," He told her candidly, "I only ever wanted it because it was her love." He sat there, staring at Gwen and through her. He blinked. "And now she's gone. And I know that I'll never find anyone like her again." She could see his adam's apple bobble as he tried to swallow something in his throat. "And it hurts," He said, the unshed tears making themselves evident in his voice. "It hurts so much. Time heals some things, Gwen, makes some losses easier… My father, Lancelot… I loved them both, but over time I've come to accept that they're gone." He swallowed and shook his head. "But she's different. The older I get, the longer she's been gone, the more I miss her.

"When we met, both of our lives were just starting. We thought… I thought that, maybe, just maybe, we'd have time to figure it all out, together. That maybe," He shrugged, "Maybe neither of us would have to go through everything alone anymore. That we'd always be there," and finally the tears started to fall, "to look after each other. But… It didn't turn out that way. And when it doesn't all end happily… when you can't keep all promises you make," He swallowed painfully, "It hurts to see everyone else so happy with everything that you thought you'd have. Everything you never got a chance to have. Everything you know you'll never get back. That's why it hurts."

Merlin looked at her and realized all that he'd just said. Suddenly, he was self-conscious of what Gwen might think. He wiped furiously at his eyes and looked down, his voice still thick. "That's why I left," he said quietly. "Sorry," he added as an afterthought.

Gwen didn't say anything. She hardly moved for the several minutes of silence that followed, and even if Merlin had been able to look her in the eye, he wouldn't have been able to tell what she was thinking. She merely sat there, mouth slightly open, eyebrows drawn together in a look of pure pity, eyes on Merlin with a strange sort of understanding.

Then, without a single syllable, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. Although he wondered if he shouldn't, Merlin couldn't help it. His composure cracked and he latched onto her, dug his face in her shoulder and wept.

Gwen could feel him shaking as he just barely kept the sobs at bay, and she was inexplicably on the brink of tears herself. Now that she heard it all, she wondered why she had never guessed. Merlin was possibly the most loving, trusting soul she'd ever met. It was in his nature to love people and dedicate himself to those close to him, as if it was his sole purpose in life to make others happy. Part of her had always wondered a man with a heart like Merlin's, of all people, hadn't found someone to love yet. Now, she understood. Merlin had loved someone, with every loving fiber of his being that made him so quintessentially Merlin, and as it seemed, that someone had loved him back.

And yet, here he was, alone.

Merlin had a softer heart than most, and what Gwen knew she would take in agony had been eating away at Merlin for lord only knew how many years.

Comforting came naturally to Gwen; she hardly had to think about what she was doing. She stroked his hair and rubbed his back like a mother caring for her child, and in his vulnerable state the most powerful sorcerer ever to walk the earth let her, too emotionally weary to care if she saw him cry. Neither of them knew how long they stayed like that, and while part of Merlin didn't want to draw back for fear of how differently Gwen might see him after that, eventually, he broke their embrace and sniffled.

"Oh, look at me," He said pitifully, wiping his eyes and trying to downplay the pieces of his heart laid out on the proverbial table, "I'm in tears here, and you don't even know her name."

Gwen smiled at his ability to speak so strongly in the face of such grief, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. Gwen had learned over the past year that Merlin always hid personal tragedy behind that smile of his, and she often wondered how much it really hurt him. She put her hand over Merlin's to let him know she was there. Once he'd cleared his eyes and stopped sniffling, she very carefully gave his wrist a squeeze and asked,

"What was her name, Merlin?"

The look that crossed his face left no doubt in Gwen's mind that he still loved her very much.

"Freya," He said it as though he'd said it a thousand times before and wished he didn't have to stop. "Her name was Freya."