Chapter Four: Caged Voices

L was depressed. His last visit to the suspected Kira, Light Yagami, had left him heartbroken. Light's words still rang through his head, shooting a bullet through his heart every time he was forced to recant them, "You're disgusting and pathetic... do you really believe I'll fall in love with some one so pitiful. Don't insult me."

L felt as if someone had taken a hammer and shattered his fragile glass heart, and to make it worst, L still felt that he loved Light. He loved him with all his heart, and part of him; even though he knew it wouldn't end well; part of him wanted to go see the boy. He wanted to see him just on more time and then he'd stop. He swore he would stop, after this one last time.

But there was one more problem. L was absolutely positive that someone had witnessed his last visit. Not only had the monitor showing Light's cell been turned back on, but also someone had typed in big bold print on L's personal computer "YOU DISGUST ME."

L didn't know what to do. All he wanted was to wallow in self pity, stuff himself with sweets, while trying to mend his broken heart, and maybe work on solving the Kira case while he was at it. But no, not only did he have the case to worry about, he also had the worry about the members of Task Force turning against him—that added to the fact his heart was hurting so much he could have died from the pain. This was too much. He'd never lost control of his life like this. He'd never screwed up his priorities so much.

Everything was wrong. Everything was just a pain. He wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't supposed to be so pitiful. He was L: the greatest detective in the world. He was supposed to be on top of things at all times. He was supposed to be in control... so when had he relinquished control of his life to Light? When had he given the teen so much power over him? When had he lowered himself to the point to he was hanging on Light's words and actions like a lovesick fool?

L never believe more than he did right now that Light Yagami truly did make him stupid.

He needed to put everything back in order, fast. Disorganized priorities may just be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and cause him the Kira case. He needed to buckle down and get back on task, but first... first he needed to see his Light just one more time.

.:~:.

One would think after catching L with Light twice, Task Force would make sure that the two of them never had any alone time again, but it seemed L gave them too much credit, because only two days after his last visit L found himself alone again. Fully aware that this just might be a trick, but not caring in the least, L turned off the Yagami's boy's monitor, more out of habit than actual hope for privacy, and went to see his Light again.

.:~:.

L stood outside of Light's cell, watching the boy lying peacefully on his cot. He was almost too afraid to speak, but if he just stood there saying nothing, his visit would have been for naught. Before L could make up his mind as to just what to say, Light spoke first, "Are you just going to stand there or are you coming in? I'm sure I've told you I hate being watched."

"How did you know I was here, Light?" L asked, guarding his voice against the pain threatening to creep in. Why did it hurt so much just to hear Light speak?

Light sat up on his cot and glanced in the direction of the cell door where L stood frozen in place. "It's kind of hard not to know you're there. What with you breathing so heavily." L instantly held in his next breath without even meaning to, he wasn't sure why Light's words affected him in such a way. Light truly did wield all the power here, and L hated. "So are you coming in?" Light asked again. Yet, L wasn't strong enough to break free of Light's power.

L slowly released his held breath. "That depends on rather or not you're going to be nice to me today." Please be nice to me, a voice whispered in the back of his head, I won't be able to take anything less.

Light raised one finely-sculpted eyebrow at the detective. "What do you mean by that, Ryuuzaki?" he asked, "Aren't I always nice?"

"You were a bit cranky during my last visits." Understatement.

"Could you really blame me for that?" Light said challengingly. L looked at him in silence, and Light glared back.

This lasted a few seconds until L looked away and sighed, losing their unspoken staring contest... it seemed he was always losing lately. "I guess you're right, Light. Sorry."

Light smiled smugly. "Aren't I always right, Ryuuzaki?" L couldn't even bring himself to deny the fact. He said nothing. "So," Light continued as if not noticing L's silence, "What brings you here tonight?"

"I wanted to see you." L admitted without thinking, wasn't he always acting without thinking lately when it came to Light? "It may be the last time I come down here until the investigation is over. I needed to see you in person, just one last time." I need to prove to myself I'm strong enough to pull away.

"Why would this be the last time?" Light inquired casually.

L looked up at Light, his eyes showing nothing but desolate emptiness, but hiding the pain gnawing unrelentingly at his heart. "It's obvious you don't enjoy these visits, so I'm not sure if they're worth my time anymore. Besides, if I keep coming down here, it'll only be a matter of time before Task Force discovers us." L wasn't sure why it was so easy for him to lie to Light, but he knew the Yagami boy wouldn't respond kindly if he knew that they'd already been discovered.

"I guess you're right. It'll be for the best if you didn't come here anymore."

L couldn't stop himself from wincing as the other male said this. Sure he'd said it first, but having Light confirm it added a level of permanence to the situation that hadn't been present when L himself had said it. It cut deeper, now, than ever before. L wasn't a masochist. He wasn't enjoying being tortured by Light's careless words.

"Of course you would like that wouldn't you, Light. You didn't exactly deny it when I said you didn't like my visits. In fact, I'm sure you're glad I won't be coming anymore. This way you won't have to sit there as I force my one-sided emotions on to you. Though I guess it is for the best since there's no way I can disgust you if I'm nowhere near you."

L said all of this in a low monotone voice that in no way betrayed how he was really feeling. He didn't even pause before rushing on, "Of course there's no way I could do anything but disgust you, since I'll never be able to stop loving you. And only an idiot would think that I could ever make you love me back. And I'm no idiot." Not and idiot at all, just foolishly in love.

Light sat through L's rant with a look of bemused annoyance on his face. "Are you done yet, Ryuuzaki?" he asked once the detective had drifted into silence, when he only received more silence, he continued, "If that's what you think, than you know nothing."

"I…"

"You know nothing at all." Light cut him off, "I admit that your visits aren't the highlights of my days, but they're better than being alone all day everyday. It's human nature to want to be with other humans. I'm sure to go crazy if I was stuck in here with nothing but these cell walls as company."

"I…" L started, only to be cut off again.

"And as far as this supposed love goes, I think you're confused and asking too much. I already admitted to liking you. That should be good enough, but you're asking for more. Love isn't something to be taken lightly. And I believe you have no idea what it truly means.

"I think I've finally got you all figured out, Ryuuzaki. You've lived isolated in your own little world up until now. Separated from other humans except for Watari. Because of this, you have no idea how to live with other people. Especially not on equal footing, because you've always seen them as less than you due to your heightened intelligence.

"And then I came along. Finally there was someone you could speak to on your level. I captivated you because I wasn't like everyone else. You couldn't speak down to me because I'm just as intelligent as you are. The more you got to know me, the more fascinated you became. You looked for flaws in my character, but couldn't find any, so you decided to create one.

"You made me Kira in your head. You needed a flaw, and my being Kira would be the perfect flaw. I was too good to be true, and so you made me something you could look down on. In your head, I was Kira. A fact of your own creation, but you became fixated on the fabricated fact and wouldn't rest until you proved it true. That gave you another reason to examine me and you became even more fascinated. Then you realized how foolishly fixated you were with me. You couldn't explain why, so you decided that you must be in love with me, cause that was the only way to explain everything.

"Another fabricated detail that you became fixated on. Until you became sure it was true. You developed a crush on me because you were sure you loved me. So this love you think you're feeling is really just fascination gone too far." Light ended his rant on a note of absolute certainty, as if already positive that he'd drawn the right conclusions.

L sat silently for a moment, examining every side of Light's arguments, but also already planning his denial to all the facts. Light was too good to be true, but he was not all he was making himself out to be. "That's an interesting way of looking at it, Light," he said after a while, "but none of it is true." L paused. "You got the basic details right, but your conclusions are far off mark. I didn't decide you were Kira because I needed a flaw in you character. You're Kira because everything points to you being Kira.

"I didn't become fixated because I'm fascinated with your intelligence. If I'm fixated on you, it's because you're Kira. But that's only if I'm fixated with you, which I don't believe I am.

"Thus I couldn't have developed a crush on you due to fascination. My love for you is genuine. Besides, looking at it your makes you seem awfully full of yourself. As if you believe yourself to be better than everyone else. Your theory shows you have an enlarged ego. Almost like a god complex."

"Humph." Light shot a burst of air trough his nose. "I wouldn't necessarily call it a god complex or an enlarged ego; I simply realize that I think on a level higher than most people, and I get slightly annoyed when I have to dumb things down for them. That's why I like you. We're on the same level. I don't have to dumb things down for you. That makes you a great partner for me. Hell, if you were female, I would have no problem falling in love with you."

"So that's the reason," L said casually. "You won't allow yourself to fall in love with me because you'd have to admit to having homosexual tendencies. And that somehow makes you feel like less of a man." L paused thoughtfully, "Hmm. I never thought you'd be such a closed-minded homophobe, Light. Apparently I gave you too much credit."

"I'm not closed-minded or a homophobe," Light argued. "If I was, I wouldn't have let things get this far between us."

"So maybe you're not closed-minded, but you are a homophobe, Light. It makes perfect sense."

"I am not a homophobe, Ryuuzaki." Light hissed through clenched teeth, his face twisting into a mask of anger.

"Really then," L challenged, "Prove it." Light looked at him questioningly. This was it, this was L chance to take control back. He could put his life back in order. He could do this. He could grab back the power he had unwillingly relinquished to Light. L spoke in his usual monotone as he continued, "Sleep with me."