Chapter Nine: Chained Voices
Time. Light had asked L for more time, and L had given him time. A month worth of time had passed and still Light wasn't sure. Every second of everyday he spent chained to L left him more and more confused.
His body kept saying he wanted L, his heart kept saying he needed L, but his mind kept saying that he didn't deserve L. He kept asking what he had done to earn such love and devotion form the detective. He didn't deserve it. He wasn't good enough for him. And then he would wonder just what he had done to make that so. He had never done anything wrong. He had never done anything to make his self unworthy of L's favor. He had always done what was right and just. If anyone deserved to be loved, it was him.
Yet something in his conscience kept saying he wasn't worthy of L's affection, and that kept him from listening to what his heart was screaming at him. Each day that passed, he would watch L. he would yearn for L. He craved the other's loving touch. But he pushed him away. He wouldn't allow himself to admit his feelings and take what L was willing to give him.
It was harder at bedtime. He had become accustomed to having L sleep within his arms. He was used to the other's warm slender body pressed against his own. L looked every bit the angel sent to save his soul; he yearned to have that angel with him forever, a part of him for eternity.
Since that night a month ago, he hadn't permitted himself to share a single kiss with his beloved. He hadn't permitted them a single touch, a single loving caress. He couldn't allow it, for it would never be enough to satisfy. It would be like a taste of some forbidden wine that would be ripped from his lips that moment he took a sip. It would break his heart in two.
L seemed empathetic; understanding of what Light was going through. He allowed the boy to hold him during their moments of rest, but didn't ask for more. During the day when they were at work with the rest of the Kira Investigation Squad, when Light would lose his train of thought, or stare off into space, watching him, L would cover up for Light's mental absence he made sure no one suspected what was really going through the teen's head. He showed his love in subtle ways that could easily been written off as friendly actions, only Light knew they were more.
Sometimes they fought, sometimes simple quarrels, other times all out fist fights. It was always Light's provocations. He'd get frustrated with the things going on inside his mind and heart, and would find some nitpicky little thing to poke at and coerce a reaction out of L. Rather it was just a small argument, or big fight Light always felt bad afterwards, though he never showed it, he didn't like making L angry with him. But he thought that if he could make him angry enough, maybe L would stop loving ham and that would be the end to all his internal turmoil. Except, L always showed that his love persisted in some small action after it all came to an end.
"Well, I guess I should go home tonight as well. You two behave, ok."
"Of course we will, Mogi. Have a good night." L gave a small and Light waved as the final Squad member left that evening. Matsuda and Misa-Misa were away for the week at some big photo shoot, and all the squad members had decided to go home for the night, since they hadn't made any developments on the case.
"Well Light, it looks like it's just us tonight," L said polishing off the last bit of his three layer strawberry cake, and washing in down with some Pomegranate Tea that Misa had brought him from her last photo shoot.
Light let out a small yawn. "I guess you're right, Ryuuzaki." He yawned again. "What would you like to do?"
"We should go to bed. You're dead on your feet, Light."
Light chuckled softly. "Suppose you're right," he said, getting up from his seat. "Let's head upstairs."
To his surprise, L didn't head for the stairs this time; He leaned silently against the wall as he waited for the elevator arrival.
Up in their room, L didn't bother changing into his pajamas; he just sat on the edge of the bed and nibbled on a pack of cookies as Light changed. Light pulled on his pajamas and crawled under the covers. "Are you going to sleep or work tonight?" he asked as L began to eat another cookie.
L shrugged. "Not sure. I'm not very tired, but I don't think I could handle more fruitless research tonight."
Light smiled at him. "I think you need to rest."
L shook his head. "Too many things on my mind. I'll come to bed once I'm tired."
"OK, Goodnight Ryuuzaki."
They laid there in silence for a while, both of them fully aware of the fact that Light wasn't sleeping, but neither willing to break the silence with the question that was nagging at them both.
"Light," L finally said looking down at his hands and playing with his thumbs.
"Hmm," Light replied already knowing what was coming next and not sure if he was ready to answer.
"Have I given you enough time, Light?"
Light didn't reply for a second, trying to gain control of his thoughts. "I don't know," he finally decided what to say, the truth would be what was best for them both. "Every time I think I know what I'm feeling in my heart, my mind tell me something different."
L was silent for a moment. "Light, you should never…" he paused as if reconsidering how he was word what he was trying to say. "You should never let you mind interfere with your heart, and vice versa. The heart and the mind are two different things. One should hold no control over the other."
Light didn't know how to reply.
"So tell me, Light," L finally turned to face him, "What is your heart saying?"
Light sat up and bowed his head, thinking on what he wanted to say. Looking up trough his cinnamon colored bangs he admired L's beautiful face watching him, his heart skipped a beat in his chest and he suddenly he knew what he had to say. "My mind is telling me I don't deserve you, but my heart…" he swallowed down the lump threatening to hinder his ability to speak, "My heart is saying that I need you. That I… I love you."
L eyes filled with hope, but he didn't allow himself to show his excitement just yet. "And which one will you listen to, Light?" he asked hesitantly.
Light looked at L shyly, before reaching up and shaky hand and placing it against his alabaster colored cheek. L's eyes never left Light's as if he was searching them for his answer. Then Light realize, just as much as he'd been watching L, L had been watching him. L was always watching him.
The distance between the two of them slowly began to recede, until they were scant centimeters apart, onyx black eyes watched chocolate brown ones, and chocolate brown eye watched onyx black ones. Just as their lips were about to meet, Light whispered silently, "I choose my heart." and then they were kissing passionately.