Chapter Thirteen: Free Hearts

L sat in his chair watching Light downstairs in the lobby of Head Quarters, talking to Misa Amane. The handcuffs had been off for a few days now, and Light had yet to leave for more than a visit home and back. He decided that he would like to continue to work on the Kira case despite of everything he had gone through and in spite of the of the fact that L now suspected that he was Kira more than ever.

Light had once again managed to break L's heart into little pieces that he so expertly ground down to dust, leaving L with a bigger mess to clean up than ever before. He was still hunted by the memories of what Light had done to him in that bathroom about a week ago. He tried to forget, but his mind wouldn't let him, and his heart kept telling him to hold on to Light, because he loved Light, because a life without Light would be truly dark indeed. Darker even than the life of pain he knew waited for him if he kept on with his foolish attraction to the Yagami boy.

Being with Light was like a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun. No amount of luck could save his life. Every move he made was deadly. Light's very existence to hazardous to L's health. And yet L could not bring himself to let him go. Even though he kept being hurt, L kept playing the game, waiting his turn and pulling the trigger obediently. He loved Light that much.

And to add insult to injury, Light continued to court Misa Amane in front of him. Light was free to come and go as he pleased, to do as he pleased, to date Misa outside of headquarters. But he insisted on meeting Misa in the lobby, talking to her there, kissing her there, all in view of the security cameras, the monitors of which were positioned right next to L's seat. He was just a simple glance away from unending heartache. Pass the gun, pull the trigger. Light wins again.

Even though L kept telling himself not to look, he couldn't stop sneaking glances at the monitor and the torturous scene playing out on the screen. He had to be the most masochistic man in existence. Shooting another glance at the monitor, L saw that Light was making his way back upstairs. L turned away from the security monitor and tried to appear busy when Light arrived in the room.

Light entered the room and took his usual seat right next to L.

"So how is Amane doing, Light?" L asked as if he didn't really want to know the answer. Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun, aimed at his heart instead of his head. Ask a question; pull the trigger; pretend not to feel the pain.

"She's nagging me for a date, other than that she's find."

"You can go outside and have a love life, you know." Please take your love life outside, is what he wanted to say, can't you see how much this is hurting me. Surely Light wasn't cruel enough to be doing this on purpose. Even if their relationship was one sadomasochistic after another, surely Light realized this hurt more than any other thing that had been done before. Seeing Light with Misa hurt more than having Light rape in the bathroom. This was killing him.

Light sighed and ran a hand through his cinnamon hair. "The Kira Case hasn't been solved yet. I'm in no mood for a love life at the moment."

"I guess you're right about that, Light." Silence followed. Make a statement; pull the trigger; hide the pain in silence.

"Hey guys, I'm hungry!" Matsuda suddenly declared drawing attention to him. "How about we all go out for lunch."

"Matsuda, now is not the time for lunch breaks." Chief Yagami chastised.

"But Chief, I'm really hungry." Matsuda wrapped his arms around his stomach in a display of feigned starvation. "Come on, my treat. We need a break anyhow."

"I agree," Light stated, "you all have earned a break."

"Does that mean you'll be coming with us then?" Soichiro asked his son.

Light shook his head. "I just took a break to talk to Misa, besides I'm not very hungry anyway. You all go and enjoy yourself; I'll stay and work some more on the case."

"Then it's settled!" Matsuda declared. "Light and Ryuuzaki will stay here while the rest of us go to lunch."

"Matsuda, don't go volunteering Ryuuzaki to stay behind," Mogi said. "He might want to come as well."

"Of course he doesn't." Matsuda stated. "He wouldn't dare leave Light behind here on his own. It goes against his ethics, and beside he believes Light is Kira, there's no way he'd leave the suspected Kira in the Kira Investigation Headquarters. Right, Ryuuzaki?"

L opened his mouth to speak; to plead for them not to leave him here. Not alone with Light. Didn't they realize how much that would hurt him?

Light cut in before L could say any of those words; not that he was actually going to say them anyway. "Ryuuzaki doesn't mind staying with me; it's easier to watch me when we're in the same room."

L hung his head to hide the emotions he usually kept such tight rein on from being seen playing across his face and turned his chair back towards his computer. "They're right. I don't mind staying. You all go enjoy yourselves."

With that settled the team began to grab their jackets and file out of the room. Matsuda was the last to go. "See ya later Light." he said cheerily, "Ryuuzaki." The way he said him name, drew L's eyes toward him, Matsuda was giving him a look that said 'do what you have to do to end this dispute, but don't take it too far' "I hope you guys can make some progress while we're away."

If this wasn't the saddest thing L had ever seen. Apparently he was now so pitiful that Matsuda (Matsuda! the village idiot and L's apparent rival in love) was trying to help him. When had he sunk so low? Where was his pride?

Only L heard the hidden meaning in that simple statement, because only L knew what Matsuda knew. He gave the young officer a nod before turning back to his computer. It appeared that Matsuda still didn't approve of Light and L's relationship, but he was willing to accept it because for a while Light had seemed happy with it. He wanted them to kiss and make up, if it would a smile back onto Light's face.

Once Matsuda had left, Light and L sat in silence once again.

"Tell me, Ryuuzaki, what's on your mind?"

"What makes you think there's something on my mind, Light?" Be evasive and maybe save yourself some pain.

Light raised one eyebrow at that question. "A guy doesn't spend months chained to a person without learning their habits. When something is weighing on your mind, you stare straight ahead, hug your legs, and play with your thumb on your lip like you're doing right now."

L didn't even stop the pointed out actions, because what was the point. Light knew him too well. "I was just thinking how things are different now. That's all."

"Different how, Ryuuzaki?" Light asked.

"Different with the case, different with the way I view the world, different between us. Yet some things still remain the same. You're still my only friend, I still believe you're Kira, and I still love you. It seems no matter how much the world around us changes, no matter how much you change, those three facts will always ring true. I must be a fool."

"Ryuuzaki. We both know you're no fool. You have reasons behind all actions. If you believe it to be true, than on some level you have evidence to back it up as truth. Though I don't see the evidence pointing me to being Kira."

Shut up. Shut up. Just stop speaking. Your words aren't helping. You aren't helping. Why do you hurt me so?

L sighed. "That's another thing, Light. Not too long ago I believed that you loving me was also a fact, but that has proven to be false. It's only a matter of time until my other truths prove to be false as well."

"I can't say I wouldn't mind if at least one of those truths proved false, but that's beside the point. Ryuuzaki you once told me that the heart and mind are two separate things and one should not be allowed to influence the other. So if you believe in your heart that these things are true, don't let your mind tell you otherwise."

L thought on that for a moment. "You're right, Light. Matters of the heart in mind should not coincide. But…"

"But what Ryuuzaki?" Light sounded a little aggravated.

"But both my heart and mind are telling me that what we had was just a dream that has come to an abrupt end. I can't help but feel the loss."

Light stood and grabbed the side of L's chair; he yanked it around so that he was face to face with the detective. "Ryuuzaki. What is it that you want me to do? You obviously want something, what is it?"

Damn you Light Yagami. Damn you to the very depths of hell. L sighed, but found himself opening his mouth to speak the truth. "I want you to kiss me again."

A brief hesitation... then Light's lips were on his again. Just like he wanted. He knew this simple kiss wouldn't be enough to patch things up again, but it gave him hope that things weren't as broken as he'd thought.

Even if the pain was still there. Even if he was still playing with a loaded gun. Right now was good. Right now was perfect. Right now, Light was kissing him and L could pretend that nothing else mattered.

He made a metal note to thank Matsuda for this later.