What Do You Want From Me? Chapter 20: Together Again, an ashes to ashes fanfic

Chapter Twenty

Alex's senses began to slip back into place one by one. The first thing that came back to her was the pain; the searing, stinging pain in her chest where the bullet had been just a short time before. There was pain in her head too; it thumped and throbbed as though she'd been on a week-long bender. There was a heavy ache running though her limbs that made it difficult for her to force herself to open her eyes.

The next thing she noticed were the sounds; the steady beeping of a nearby machine, the sound of voices and footsteps passing by in a busy corridor outside and deep, anxious breathing beside her.

Her sense of smell kicked in; the horrid, clinical scent of a hospital; a mix of bleach, disinfectant and dead people. Ugh, nowhere else on earth smelt quite the same as a hospital. And that was a good thing. She hated that smell. It made her feel fretful and keen to escape it. Worse than that, she was fairly sure she could smell hospital food somewhere in the distance.

And then there was the manstink.

As a familiar scent caught her she slowly opened her eyes. She knew that smell. It was a smell that she knew better than any other. The last time she'd caught that scent had been on that very strange night in the hospital car park, sleeping in the Fiat. Back then she'd thought it was all in her mind. This time, she knew that it was real.

She tried to adjust to the light but the clinical lighting on the ceiling was overpowering and it took her several minutes to be able to see more than a white haze cast over a few silhouettes. She squinted and moved her head from side to side until the room started to come slowly into focus and a sudden hand moved forward to grasp her own. The gesture caught her by surprise and she turned to the side to see who the hand belonged to.

As though there had ever been any doubt.

"Bolly," the voice was one she hadn't heard in so, so long, except in her dreams. That one word, that single moment made all her emotion swell up inside her and threaten to explode.

"Oh my god," she whispered, her voice broken through pain and shock, "Gene," she turned as far to his side as she could with the drip in one hand and monitors attached to her in other spots from head to toe. Her eyes fought again to focus on the sight before her. At first Gene seemed like a bit of a blur, a shapeless blob that smelt of manstink and knew her name. But as she blinked and stared his features slowly came into view and the tiniest smile started to appear on her face. "Gene," she whispered again, "please, please tell me."

"Tell you what?" Gene asked.

"That I'm home?" Alex whispered.

She saw him close his eyes as he bowed his head.

"Yes," he said quietly, "you are, Bols. You're home."

Her eyes closed and a gasped sob of relief came from her lips. Her emotions overwhelmed her. They engulfed her in a shroud of tears and disbelief that her long journey was finally at an end and she was finally back where she belonged. She'd fought so hard and it had taken so long, but finally there she was, back where she belonged. She felt Gene's hand squeezing hers and she did her best to return the gesture but her muscles felt so weak that she wasn't sure if he could even even feel it. "I feel so tired," she whispered.

"If you will go bloody time-hopping," Gene scolded.

"Not my fault," Alex said quietly, her voice scratchy and her throat dry. She focused on his face; on the features she wasn't sure she would ever see again. No, that wasn't true - she'd had faith that she would see them again but sometimes she had hardly dared to believe it. "How did I get here?" she whispered, "Why am I in hospital?"

"Get yerself shot in the chest and that usually leads to one of these places," Gene told her.

"Shot?"

"Good thing you never had implants, you'd have sprung a leak," Gene told her tactfully, pointing to the wound.

"Doesn't make sense," Alex whispered.

"Getting implants? Asked Gene, "well, you don't need them but I'm a modern man so I'd never say no, women's right to choose and all that…"

"You're not a modern man," Alex sighed but there was a smile on her lips, "and you never will be. But that's all part of your charm." She shook her head slightly. "No, Gene, I meant the bullet wound… I was shot in two thousand and twelve. Not here."

Gene couldn't understand at first.

"Well whenever it 'appened they took the bullet out and cleaned you up. Can't blame me for this scar, Bols."

"Why did the wound come with me?" Alex whispered.

"What?"

"I don't understand why I've got the bullet hole," She blinked and stared into his eyes. "When I first came here… I didn't have a bullet in my head, did I?"

Gene hesitated. He swallowed and his eyes moved to the dressing on her chest. He hadn't actually thought of it that way. That was strange. That wasn't quite right. He didn't know what to make of that and the strangeness of the situation worried him. He decided to keep away from that subject until he'd had time to think it through. He had to work out what that meant before he could discuss it properly.

"So Layton found some magic bullets and one came back with you," he said, "important thing is, they got it out yer chest. Now, if you need asny topical ointment rubbing into the area I'm willing to volunteer."

Alex closed her eyes and gave a mock sigh,

"So much for the modern man," she whispered.

Gene leaned closer. He held her hands and stared at her intently as though he was frightened to look away in case she disappeared again from right before him. There was so much he wanted to tell her, he didn't know where to styart.

"I can never do that again, Bolly," he whispered.

"Do what?"

"Do this without you," he held out his palm to indicate the world around them, "I don't like it. It's not right."

"I don't think I'll be going anywhere in a hurry," Alex said quietly.

Gene recalled the tape he'd watched the day before. He remembered Kim's anguished expression as she relieved Alex of the 'life' that threatened her time with Gene. He hung his head a little.

"No," he said, "I know you won't."

Alex looked at Gene and felt her eyes pricking with tears as she remembered something; something she had started to realise before they sedated her. One hand reached down to her stomach, ran across its flat expanse and her face immediately crumpled with pain. "Oh god," she whispered as her fingers brushed her skin. There was no sign of her growing belly, no bump, no kicks, no little life. "Oh god Gene, no –" she tried to draw breath but it was punctuated by sobs that she couldn't control, "The baby," she whispered, "the baby, it's gone, it's not –" she stared at him as she found herself unable to finish her sentence. She was caught, stricken with panic and desperation and from the expression on Gene's face she wasn't the only one.

He found himself gripping her hand tighter, like he was holding on for dear life. He looked down. She wasn't sure, because she was fairly certain that Gene didn't do tears, but it looked like one droplet fell from his eye to the sheet on the bed.

"Alex," his voice was quiet and slow. He worked hard to keep his cool. He wanted to give in and to show emotion for once bot he just wouldn't let himself. That wasn't the Gene Hunt way and, like Simon had told him, he had to be the strong one. He had to be her rock. "I know," he whispered, "I know."

"What happened?" she whispered, barely able to get out a single word, "the baby was there, I know she was; I woke up on the barge and Robin and Simon were there… I had contractions –"

Gene roughly rubbed his face to get rid of any errant tears that threatened to fall.

"No one knows," he said quietly, "but they think… they think the sprog… think it's still alive, but not…" he closed his eyes and this time couldn't quite mask the emotion as one rogue sob escaped, "not here."

"She," Alex whispered, "It… it was a girl."

Gene swallowed. Fuck, he wasn't good at this. He really wasn't.

"I know," he whispered, "Batman told me."

"I was still pregnant, Gene," she whispered, "I woke up back there, and the baby came too."

Every word that she spoke tortured Gene a little harder.

"I know," he whispered, "I know, Bolly."

"And I tried, Gene," she couldn't keep her eyes open now. The tears were too strong, "I did everything I could back there when I woke up. I looked after myself, I tried to get as strong as I could so the baby had the best chance possible –"

"I know, I know," Gene could hardly bare to hear her words. Each one was like a knife plunging into his guts, making him want to curl up in pain.

"She was strong and healthy –"

"Alex," Gene forced her to look him in the eye, "it's nothing you did. It's nothing you did or didn't do. There's nothing you could have done." He held her hand and squeezed it hard, "look at me, Bolly. I want you to listen." He took a very deep breath. This wasn't easy, not in the slightest. "Shoebury and Batman were right. The only way you could come back and suddenly have a disappearing bump is if the sprog," he paused and took a deep breath, "the baby – our baby, is still alive." He shook his head slightly. "The reason she didn't make it back here isn't because she wasn't strong enough, Bolly. It's because she was strong enough to live. Over there."

Alex gulped in her breaths, wishing that she could just go to sleep and wake up to find that everything was different and her baby was still there inside of her. Her heart was pounding and her hand shook as Gene held it in his own.

"I just want my baby," she whispered. She knew how childish that sounded. She knew it was an impossible wish, but it was all she could say. It was all she wanted right then. She'd made it back but they'd lost their baby – what was fair about that? She was surprised to see Gee's eyes glistening with tears that he was fighting back like a pro. She looked away. It was bad enough crying herself. She couldn't face the thought of watching Gene crumble too. He was her constant, her strength, her guv; he was her rock, her lover and her friend. But she never, ever saw him cry. She didn't want there to be a first time.

"Listen to me, Bols," he tried to keep his voice level as he reached out and stroked back her hair, "I'd do anything to change what's happened. I know we both would. But since we can't we need to make the best of what we have. You're back. I didn't think that would ever happen. And to be fair, Drakey, you wouldn't want to see what the Gene Genie has been like flying solo."

"I have kind of seen," Alex whispered. She thought back to her dreams. "I'm so sorry, Gene."

Gene nodded slowly. He had a feeling she'd have seen a little, somehow.

"Me point is," he continued, "I've got you back and that's more than I thought I was ever going to have. And I'm not going to start taking you for granted now. The rest of it… we'll get through it because we have to. And because we're bloody hard bastards."

"Speak for yourself," Alex sniffed with the tiniest smile, not altogether happy about being called a bastard, especially since it wasn't even an armed one this time.

"You know I'm not good at this," Gene told her, "I don't talk about this sort of stuff. Just get on with work, get on with life, leave the feeling stuff to the agony aunt in the back of the TV Quick. So don't blame me for being mixed up and as clumsy as an elephant whose been raiding Layton's stash a, bought two pairs of clogs and gone on a tap-dancing rampage through Canary Wharf. But I'm doing me best. We've been together for an awful lot of years, Bolly. Not that I'm going soft but…" he sighed and let go of her hand to brush the hair from her face instead, "you've changed me. Dragged me into the nineties. Hope I've changed you too." He couldn't help but smirk as he said, "I saw you driving on yer tape."

"What tape?" frowned Alex.

"The one Keats keeps underground," Gene told her, "long story but… I watched you dying more times than I've had hot dinners since you've been gone. Or hot dinners that didn't come from pizza Hut." He shook his head. "You, chasing Layton with Batman in the car. You must have picked up a few things from me too. Sure I saw you pull off some of me favourite moves."

"No one spends fifteen years with Gene Hunt without some modifications to their driving," Alex said quietly, a dry smile fluttering onto her face for a moment.

Gene realised he was getting well and truly off the subject. He tried to pull himself back on course.

"Thing is, Bols," he began, "what's happened… is probably the worst thing that could ever happen. And we have to live with it. We can't change it. And it's so damn unfair. We deserve better than this, of course we bloody do. But it's not going to destroy us because we're too strong for that so we're not going to let it. We've come through too much. You've come through too much." He hung his head a little as he said, "I saw what you had to do to get back here. I'm going to owe Stringer a lifetime's supply of scotch for what she's done for you and I'll still never pay off me debt. But you're here. You're back. So whatever happens, we're going to get through it." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was in serious danger of showing emotion again. "Now, I need to stop talking like a bloody modern man before I turn into Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen and painting yer hospital room fifty different shades of pink."

There was a tiny smile on Alex's face, even though it was surrounded by layers of tearful sadness. Gene was right. Right then she couldn't process the pain, nor could she imagine ever coming to terms with it, but he was absolutely right – they couldn't let it get the better of them. They couldn't let it beat them. They'd been through too much, over too many years. They'd fought so hard against everything, from the darkness of Keats to the line between life and death to stay together. It was going to be a long, hard journey to put the pieces back together but they would survive because they had each other. That was all they needed.

"Gene?" she couldn't let another moment pass without it being said, even though she knew full well that she was about to use the one word in the whole of the English language that had the power to make Gene uncomfortable, "I love you," she whispered.

Gene was never the best at responding to that. It involved the kind of girly feelings he just didn't do.

"Yeah, me an' all," he said awkwardly, giving his standard response. He glanced at her sideways and knew that wasn't enough any more. He shook his head slowly. "Love you too," he said quietly, his voice barely audible. Alex closed her eyes as a warmth spread from her chest, through her body.

"Wow," she said quietly, "that only took you sixteen years to say out loud. Maybe there's hope for you yet, modern man."

Gene pushed the hair away from her eyes again.

"Just don't expect me to start getting manicures and pedicures and whatever that thing is that involves hot wax and suddenly having hairless balls," he said. As he stared at her forehead something struck him as different. He was used to seeing the scar from the bullet Keats fired at her in Kim's hospital room but suddenly it looked different; older, faded, as though several years had passed. His eyes moved across her features. He didn't know why he hadn't seen it before but the scar wasn't the only thing that was different. Her skin was clearer; where he was used to seeing an occasional wrinkle her skin was almost clear; younger, just like when they first met. He closed his eyes for a moment. This was so strange and so surreal; like she was starting over.

Of course – she had no body to return to back in 1997. What else had he expected? This was Alex 2012; the woman he knew and loved in a body that had spent the best past of three and a half years comatose. That was going to take some getting used to, exploring her body all over again. It was a strange prospect and one of those weird quirks that made his world so bizarre to deal with.

The packaging wasn't important. This was still Alex. Bolly. The woman he'd shared the last decade and a half of his life with. For all they were going to have to work through the hardest part was over – she was there, back there with him. That was the first step. From there on in they would take things one day at a time.

He saw her eyes flutter closed, the medication and trauma to her system sending her into a shallow sleep once again. He would stay by her side as she slept and be there when she woke up. In fact, he hoped he'd never leave her side again. Things were going to be different this time. No more dragging of feet. No more hesitation. No more living half a life together.

A fresh start and an eternity. That's what they had ahead of them now..

~xXx~

2012

Kim slowly slipped into the chair by Robin's bedside and reached for his hand. It always felt so cold. She rubbed it a little to warm it through as she stared at his face, still motionless and pale.

"So when is it going to be your turn?" she asked him quietly, biting her lip, "I mean, Alex is home now so it's got to be your turn to wake up soon." She looked away sadly. "Unless you're not the one who's supposed to make the journey this time." She swallowed, her hands trembling, "I think I was almost there. Another of those… bloody… cardiac incidents." She shook her head. "I feel like I'm following in your footsteps, Rob. I've sent Alex home and had a heart attack. What do I need to do next? Carry Molly off the bloody barge?" she sighed and looked to her wrist. "And my watch has stopped too."

She played with the ring on his finger. She still wished she'd had the chance to give it to him while he was awake.

"So what happens now?" she whispered, "are you coining back or am I going your way? Because whichever way…" she closed her eyes, "it has to happen soon. I need you, Rob. I need you more than ever. This… this has been the hardest thing I've ever done, helping her… I need you. I need you." That wasn't easy for Kim to admit.

She laid her head against his arm and closed her eyes. All she wanted was for him to put his arms around her and tell her everything would be alright. With her head replaying Alex's last moments and a baby in a critical condition down the corridor she felt haunted and desperate for someone to hold her and to make her feel safe once again. For now this was as close as she was going to get.

~xXx~

#...There are times when I look above and beyond

There are times when I feel your love around me baby

I'll never forget ma' baby

There are times when I look above and beyond

There are times when I feel your love around me baby

I'll never forget ma baby

When I feel that I don't belong

Draw my strength

From the words when you said

Hey it's about you baby

Look deeper inside you baby

Dream about us together again

When I want us together again baby

I know we'll be together again 'cause

Everywhere I go

Every smile I see

I know you are there

Smilin' back at me

Dancin' in moonlight

I know you are free

Cuz' I can see your star

Shinin' down on me

Always been a true angel to me

Now above

I can't wait for you to wrap your wings around me baby

Wrap them around me baby

Sometimes hear you whisperin'

No more pain

No worries will you ever see now baby

I'm so happy for ma baby

I dream about us together again