A/N: Sorry if updates are a bit slow for a while, my painkillers are giving me migraines (Yeah, I get the irony) so I don't feel like looking at the screen very much.
Poll is closed – still have a 3-way tie for 2nd place though! Not sure how to decide that! Anyway, the results are now visible on my profile.
Morgana, can you work out which part of this chapter was inspired by a real life event…? :D
And jointhehunt, thank you for the best review ever – I laughed so much and I am thrilled that I have managed to make Evan's beard a genuinely scary entity – my work here is done! :D
~xXx~
Chapter Twenty One
Gene felt his heart sinking as he stared at Alex. It had been a couple of hours since she woke up from her nap and something wasn't right. There was something strange about her tone, something harsh and cold. He wasn't sure what was happening at first. He thought maybe she was just speaking bluntly because she was still half asleep but as time went on it seemed that she was erecting a barrier around herself, quite instantaneously.
It disturbed Gene to see that. From the moment they moved their friendship on a level to a relationship she had always been open. She knew that in the early days in Gene's world she had kept her feelings and thoughts hidden and covered up for much of the time, unable to share what she was going through, scared by the confusing nature of the world. When they decided to give things a try between them the one thing they had insisted on, both of them, was no more secrets – they needed to be open with each other. And that's how they'd been ever since.
But Alex wasn't reacting in the way that Gene was used to.
Their painful, honest and emotional talk that morning had brought forth so much sadness as they started to come to terms with the fact that Alex's departure from the real world had left their baby behind. It had been hard and heart-wrenching but it had been open and brutally honest. Even Gene, who usually found such matters hard by nature to discuss, had made progress in terms of sharing just a very slightly softer side. But Alex seemed to be heading in the opposite direction.
Since she had woken again she had refused to mention or talk about the pregnancy or the baby at all. If Gene started to bring up the subject she would interrupt and change the subject quickly, or talk over him about something completely different until he just gave up talking. His heart sank as he thought about the change in her. This wasn't his Bolly. This wasn't his open, compassionate, emotional Alex who balanced him out and made such a perfect foil for his brash, harsh and gruff exterior. She was slowly turning into a female Gene before his eyes in a very short space of time. And as he had to change to allow himself to come to terms with what they were going through, the fact that she was shutting it all out worried him a great deal.
"I need to go home," she said, a cold and business-like tone to her voice, "when can I go home?"
Gene wasn't sure that was a good idea, not yet at least. Her wound was still fresh and the test results hadn't come back yet from Layton's injection either.
"We'll ask the doc when he comes to stick a thermometer up yer backside," he said.
Alex leaned back against her pillows.
"I just want to get home," she sighed, "to familiar territory."
Gene hesitated.
"Familiar" he repeated, "Erm, yeah. OK." He cringed a little, "when you say 'familiar'…." He looked at her nervously, "I hope what you really mean is completely bloody different."
Alex stared at him blankly.
"What?"
Gene exhaled loudly. He knew that he would have to confess sooner or later but he was hoping not to have to do it just yet.
"I, err," he sighed "I let the rent lapse on yer flat," he admitted, "It wasn't that I couldn't afford it, me head was just in such a mess."
"Oh Gene," Gene couldn't tell if Alex's sigh was sympathetic or withering.
"You disappeared in the middle of the station car park after fifteen years in me world," Gene reminded her, "Think I'm going to be doing normal things like paying rent after that? Think again. I didn't do anything that didn't involve a bottle of scotch and a large dose of self-destruction."
Alex swallowed as she stared at him. She'd known that he had found it difficult after she'd woken up, her dreams had told her as much, but hearing it first hand was hard, especially because she knew how bad Gene was at admitting his failings.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly, wishing that there was something more she could have done.
"I moved in with Shoebury," Gene told her, "took over his couch. Been staying there a couple of months when Batman arrived."
Alex swallowed, memories of Robin's shooting coming back to her.
"How long has he been here from your point of view?" she asked.
"Only a week or so," said Gene, "bloody rotten week it's been too. Not his fault though. Well, not all the time anyway." He looked at Alex. "Address in his wallet. He'd been given your old flat. And the whole place has been given a Robin Thomas makeover. Seriously, Lady B, I needed three bottles of Jif to get the geek off the door handles."
"So I'm homeless?" Alex asked anxiously, her stomach churning at the thought of how much had happened while, she was away.
Gene shook his head.
"Did a swap," he said, "I moved back in the flat and Batman got the sofa at Shoebury's."
"Just the sofa?" Alex asked. She felt herself smiling just a little as she saw Gene nod. She'd thought that was the way Robin's decision would go. She'd seen it happening before her eyes as she watched Robin and Kim getting closer. She thought about Kim back in the real world, terrified that his decision had gone the other way, and wished there was a way to let her know.
"Couldn't have been more surprised if Robin had turned up dressed as Bernard Manning," Gene told her, "seems he's changed lanes."
"He's done no such thing and that's enough with the euphemisms already," Alex folded her arms, "dear God, what's Robin been put through with you this past week?"
"Do you mind? I behaved meself better than you'd expect," Gene told her.
Alex pretended to look abashed. She'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now but she'd be double checking with Robin later.
"I'm sorry, Gene," she said, "but honestly, Robin's not changed. It's just… one if those things."
Gene had to admit that he still didn't understand it but if a posh bird like Alex could fall for a bit of rough like him then he supposed anything was possible.
"Well whatever bloody love potion those two drank to end up busting the bed springs together, Robin's on sofa duty and I moved back into the flat. Everything's been designed with geek in mind."
Alex shook her head slowly and closed her eyes. Redecorating was the least of her worries.
"Doesn't matter," she said quietly, "I just want to get out of hospital and go home."
Gene folded his arms and asked uncomfortably,
"How are you feeling?"
"Bored and tired," Alex said quietly.
"I didn't mean in that way," said Gene. He hesitated as he watched her look away. "You can talk about it, you know."
"Talk about what?" Alex asked quietly.
Gene stared at her, wondering what the hell she was playing at.
"You know what," he said.
"Talking's not going to make things better," Alex said stiffly, "and it's not going to change anything."
"You're the bloody psychologist," Gene reminded her, "your whole purpose for being is to make people talk!"
Alex looked at him in shock.
"You actually got that right," she commented.
"I'm trying to do a lot of things right," Gene told her, "but I don't know how were going to get through this if you're going to keep shutting the door in me face."
Alex shook her head slowly and looked down.
"I can't do it right now. Gene," she whispered, "I'm not ready. "
"Maybe I am," Gene said gruffly.
They both fell silent; it was a stalemate. Gene just had to be patient, he decided. He knew this wasn't like Alex and that sooner or later she would open up. But in the meantime he'd never felt so helpless.
~xXx~
"Home sweet… Aaarrggghhhhh!" Alex clutched her chest and screamed as a life-sized poster of Lister greeted her, grinning inanely.
"I warned you, Bols," Gene told her.
"You didn't give me specifics!" cried Alex. She eyed the poster warily and shuddered. Maybe it was a good thing she wasn't pregnant any longer. That would have most definitely sent her into labour. She looked accusingly at Gene. "Why didn't you take that down?"
"I didn't want to touch it without an anti-nerd decontamination suit," Gene told her, "I was hoping Batman was going to come and pick it up. Turns out Lister isn't his favourite bloody character, apparently. He was quite happy to leave it staring at me and freaking me out."
Alex trudged slowly to the couch and sank into it. It certainly wasn't bad, as far as couches went.
"Ohh, that feels good," she sighed, closing her eyes for a moment.
"All your stuff's in storage," Gene told her, "Didn't let anything go."
Alex gave him a wobbly smile.
"Thank you," she whispered. She stared at him, barely believing that she was back. It was strange but it was such a hugely enormous, massive event, that she couldn't quite cope with it. It felt as though there was nothing she could do or say that could truly reflect the importance of her journey and how desperate she'd been to get back.
She knew she wasn't supposed to have left hospital so soon. The doctors tried every tactic to get her to stay but she couldn't lay there in that cold, sterile room any longer. Her mind was going over and over things she was trying hard not to think about and she needed to escape those blank walls.
"You sure you're OK, Drakey?" Gene asked her with some concern. Out of the harsh hospital lights the paleness of her skin was even clearer to see.
"Now I'm home, I am," she whispered.
Gene sank beside her on the couch and took her hands. He began to look them over, those long, slender fingers that he's missed the touch of with every breath he took. He gave a frown as he realised that she no longer had her ring. Of course she wouldn't – her whole body vanished from 1996, ring and everything, and she'd have woken up in 2011 without it. That gave Gene a sense of anger as well as sadness. How come Stringer could stick a piece of metal on batman's hand in 2012 and it skipped time and space while a ring Alex had been wearing for moths disappeared into the ether? It didn't seem fair.
Maybe there was a reason for that, he found himself thinking. He remembered purchasing the ring –
"It's not really a traditional engagement ring though," he'd been advised by Simon.
"It's not really a traditional engagement," He'd countered.
Back then he had always had the feeling she would recover and awaken one day. He'd always suspected he'd lose her eventually. He'd proposed without letting himself believe that she would be by his side for long enough to actually go through with a wedding. Things were different now. Perhaps the old ring wouldn't even have been appropriate any more? Gene no longer had to worry about Alex leaving his world and knew for certain that he'd get her down the aisle if he had to march her with a police escort.
New start, new chance, new ring.
He filed that thought to the back of his mind for now. He would have plenty of time for thinking about how to convince someone to help him pick girly jewellery some other time. For now there were more important things to focus on.
"Bolly, I gave up," he found himself admitting, letting out his breath heavily with those words. Alex looked at him, confused.
"I don't understand," she said.
"I just gave up," Gene shook his head, "how many years have I spent doing this job? Put so many people away I should get a bloody prison named after me. But when you went, I didn't care any more."
Alex looked down. She knew none of this had been her fault but that didn't stop her feeling guilty.
"I'm so sorry, Gene," she whispered.
"Didn't even have the heart for throwing people against filing cabinets," Gene told her, "nothing mattered any more. Waited for weeks, hoping you'd come back."
Alex looked at him with a strained expression.
"I got here in the end," she said quietly, "I'm sorry. I did my best."
"You got back. That's what matters," Gene told her.
Alex didn't feel ready for this conversation yet. She'd been through so much the last few months that she need time to adjust inside her mind. She tried to find an excuse, something to get her out of discussing it.
"Listen, Gene, I'm just going to,…" she paused, "I'm just going to the toilet," as good an excuse as any, she decided, "now, can you assure me there are no remote controlled models of Starbug about to fly out of the toilet bowl when I sit down?"
"None that I've found so far," Gene shuddered, involuntarily clenching at the thought.
Alex gave him a weak smile and stood up slowly. She still felt weak and her steps were slow as she made her way through. There were a few modifications to the bathroom but certainly nothing that was overly geek-orientated, she was relieved to find. She had seriously expected Arnold Rimmer's face made up of tiles on the wall or a flying saucer lightshade on the ceiling.
She looked at herself in the mirror. It was the first time she'd seen herself since she re-entered the world. She had expected her nineteen-nineties face to stare back at her. Instead, her younger 2012 appearance greeted her in the mirror.
She leaned forward, gently moving her fringe. There was her scar, but it was the one Layton had left her with, not the one Keats had inflicted upon her. She drew back a little, confused and disorientated. Something occurred to her and she began to reach down to the bottom of the shirt she was wearing. She slowly pulled it up and stared in the mirror.
There, low down on her stomach where she had expected to find her scar, she found instead her tattoo; the one that Kim had done for her to make the place where Gene's bullet had left her with a permanent mark. The one that gave her a little taste of Gene's world when she had awoken in her other body. Now that body had come over with her.
"God," she whispered, running her fingers back and forth across her skin. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. Her scar was gone forever. That had been an important part of her. She knew that Gene still had guilt attached to it and found it hard to see but it was a part of her. Now it had gone forever.
She bit her lip. What would Gene think of the tattoo? She knew he had a lot of choice nicknames for Kim involving her inked body, was she about to be in for the same treatment? He had, of course, never seen her tattoo before; the tiny circle with the letter G inside of it. She still remembered the night she asked Kim to do it for her. It made her smile as she remembered the endless lectures she received in the next day or so about keeping it clean and moisturised.
"I did," she whispered, "and it's still perfect."
She stared on ahead and ran a hand over her flat stomach. There was no sign of a pregnancy now. No sign that she'd ever been expecting at all. She felt a burning sensation in her throat and swallowed hard. She couldn't face thinking about that. Not now. Not yet, she dropped the bottom of her shirt and turned, walking quickly out of the bathroom and back to Gene. He could see a look of sadness on her face and looked at her with concern.
"You alright, Drakey?" he asked.
Alex nodded firmly and sat back down.
"Fine," she said quietly.
"Didn't hear the toilet flush," Gene commented, "Hope you've not dumped a load in there."
"Gene," Alex cried with a frown.
"So you were just hiding in there?" Gene asked.
Alex looked away.
"I was just fixing my hair," she said quietly.
Gene nodded, even though he didn't believe her. He stared at her, his worry building up inside of him. This really wasn't like Alex. He knew that she had to talk sooner or later, before her emotions reached a crescendo and exploded inside of her. He tried to be patient but he wasn't the patient type. And besides, he needed to talk too.
He had her back, but something wasn't quite there. That was hard to reconcile with his happiness.
~xXx~
"You sure you don't want any more of this?"
Gene had gone a little overboard with the takeaway. Cartons of noodles and rice were scattered across the coffee table. Alex hadn't managed to eat very much. She felt guilty for wasting the food but her stomach was unsettled with worry and sadness and she just couldn't force it.
"I'm sorry, Gene," she said quietly "I think I'm too tired to eat." She looked at the clock. It was only half past nine but she truly was exhausted. Her exhaustion was born of working hard to bury her feelings. She had fought to avoid the subject of the baby or even thinking about it all night. Trying to keep something out of her mind had taken all the strength she had left.
"I think it's time we got you to bed," Gene told her.
"As long as the bed doesn't have an X-Files duvet cover over it," sighed Alex.
"No, it doesn't," Gene assured her, "bloody big bed though. Not sure what batman did to deserve such a thing. Bloody king size… they must have expected him to bunk up with the entire crew of Red Dwarf." He reached out to help Alex stand up. She flinched a little as her chest wound hurt and throbbed. "Sorry, Bolly, but your return caught us all by surprise," Gene told her, "your clothes… all your things… they're still in storage."
That was the last thing on Alex's mind.
"That doesn't mater," she said, a tired smile on her lips.
"You can have one of me shirts in bed tonight," Gene told her, "Or raid Batman's wardrobe. He hasn't claimed all his things yet."
"I'm sure I'll find something," Alex sighed.
They walked through to the bedroom together and Alex took a look around. Despite Gene's complaints about the geek factor the room was fairly nice and certainly the amount of sci-fi merchandise was limited. She frowned as a picture on the wall caught her eye and she walked slowly towards it to take a closer look. It was a hand-drawn piece and seemed familiar but Alex couldn't quite place it. She found herself fixated on it, the images and colours.
"Where have I seen this before?" she whispered.
"Some very strange things in this place," Gene told her.
"This isn't strange, it's beautiful," Alex told him. Her fingers brushed the edge of the frame and her mind worked to try to recall where she had seen it before but it just wouldn't come back to her. Finally with a sigh she decided to sleep on it and think again in the morning. She walked to the wardrobe and opened it up to look for something to wear in bed, rummaging through some clothes until she pulled out a T-Shirt.
"Oh, this must be Robin's," she gave a slightly amused laugh as she pulled out a Pokemon T-shirt with a picture of Pikachu on the front. Gene spluttered and almost choked on thin air.
"Yes," he lied, "that's Robin's, that definitely Robin's. That's not mine." He made a slightly angered face as he thought again about the Snorlax he'd almost caught earlier and how Simon's interruption had destroyed his damn concentration. He realised Simon had been right about something though; the anachronisms the world threw up from time to time. It wasn't as though Gene knew what had arrived years too soon but the Alexs and the Simons of the world had commented when something was out of place for its time occasionally. He supposed sometimes there was just a crossed wire. Never mind, in the case of Pokémon at least he got two years' extra practice on the rest of the world.
He sat back on the edge of the bed as he watched Alex with her back to him drop her clothes to the floor and slip her arms into the t-shirt. Oh, that did some very strange things to him. How many months had it been since he'd seen that body? How long had it been since he'd been able to just watch Alex doing normal, day to day things like getting ready for bed? How long had it been since he felt her warm body lying beside him? He felt a shiver travel through his body and quickly grabbed a pillow to hide what he felt was an inappropriate reaction for the poor woman's first night back, especially while she was all sore, wounded and exhausted.
She turned around to face him and gave a slightly anxious smile. It was strange but it felt more like the start of their relationship than anything, like they were doing all these things for the first time, all over again.
"What do you think?" she asked, "do I make a suitable Pokémon master?"
With her fairly long 2012 hair falling over one shoulder the end of a word on the shirt was covered up. Gene raised an eyebrow as he saw only the word 'Poke-' remaining across her right breast and wondered if that was an instruction.
"You'll certainly catch something," he commented, stopping short of making a joke about pokeballs. Save that for the second night, Gene, he told himself
They both felt a little nervous and awkward as they climbed into bed together. It felt very much like the first time they'd shared a bed, albeit without the extra-curricular activities. Gene remembered their first night together, back on Alex's old 'pink girly sofa'. Back then he'd been afraid of rolling over and squashing her from the lack of room. Now here they were, climbing into what could only have been a king-size bed and he was worried about the same thing Alex just seemed so pale, scrawny, weakened from the gunshot and the drugs as well as all she'd been through. He was worried about hurting her all over again.
And then, there it was - for both of them; the sensation of a warm body beside theirs. The simple things were ones they'd missed the most. Just feeling someone there beside them at night was something that both had really pined for all the time they were apart. Gene caught her eye as she shuffled down beneath the duvet. He reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder.
"God, I bloody missed you," he sighed. He shook his head slightly as though he couldn't believe that she was truly back. "Never knew what a lonely world it was without you until I lost you."
"You've got me now," Alex told him. Although she smiled there was still sadness behind it. That stung Gene's heart to see. He knew it was no reflection on how she felt about him or being back, just that she was supposed to have brought someone else back with her.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk?" he asked her. The dark expression on her face as he said those words was hard to deal with.
"I told you Gene, no," she said coldly.
"Worried about you, Bollinger Knickers," he said grimly.
Alex looked away. She was worried about herself, too. But she just wasn't ready to talk. She wasn't sure she ever would be.
"All I want," she whispered, "is to feel you hold me."
Gene stared at her. Somehow he couldn't believe that she didn't need to talk. Not when he could see her eyes were constantly verging on filling with tears. But he didn't want to push her.
"That, I can do," he told her as he wrapped an arm around her torso and pulled her in closer.
She closed her eyes and exhaled at the sensation. His warmth and strength helped her sadness and tears to fade away for a while, even though she knew they were always hovering under the surface, just waiting to return. All those long, lonely nights she had dreamed of this. She'd dreamed about those arms holding her close, protectively, keeping her safe from all that was bad in the world. And now, here they were again, wrapped around her. She'd fought so hard and now she was back. Home sweet home. She let the world fade away around her as she drifted into sleep with Gene beside her. There was nowhere else in the world – or in any other – that she would rather have been.
~xXx~
The sweat dripped from her brow as she awoke with a start, her heart going at a hundred miles an hour in her chest. She panted as her head replayed the nightmare she'd been subjected to. It had only lasted for a few minutes and yet to Alex it felt like hours. The sound of a baby crying, the feeling of it being pulled from her body, the desperation to reach out and hold her child, to take it back from the real world that had claimed it, to hold onto the life that she had protected and nurtured for months.
There were already tears down her face when she woke up. She rubbed them away crossly with the corner of the duvet and sniffed. What had she done to deserve that? As though going through losing her child in such a cruel and unusual way hadn't been enough now she had to relive it through nightmares too?
There was a terrible feeling of darkness lurking in her chest. It was threatening to break out as a flurry of tears and a heart-wrenching sob. She couldn't give in to her emotions. She needed to fight them because if she started crying she didn't think she could ever stop.
She glanced at Gene, watching the covers rise and fall as he breathed in and out, listening to the gentle snores with every breath, watching his face as his head lolled slightly to one side. She breathed in deeply, closed her eyes and tried counting to ten. She had to calm down, for Gene's sake more than anything. She didn't want to wake him up, couldn't stand to think of him worrying about her any more than he already was. That was another reason why she didn't want to talk – she wanted to protect Gene as much as she could. He'd already been through hell from her disappearing. She didn't know very much about what had happened during her absence but she knew enough that she wanted to protect Gene from more heartache. She knew that talking about what had happened would only bring more pain for both of them and she wasn't ready to face that herself yet, let alone to cause Gene to suffer more.
He felt twitchy and anxious after her nightmare. The last thing she wanted to do was to close her eyes and go back to sleep. She didn't want to open herself up to more nightmares. So she quickly slipped out of bed and padded to the bathroom. Maybe that would wake her up a bit and she would shake off the nightmares before she went back to bed, she thought. But as she entered the bathroom and turned on the light she flashedback quite spontaneously to something she sure as hell wasn't expecting to.
She could almost see them there in front of her; herself and Gene on the bathroom floor, waiting for the test to do its business. She quickly closed her eyes and spun around, trying to block out the vision but it was already too late; the memory had burrowed under her skin, eaten away at her, invited the tears back to her eyes.
"Oh god," she whispered, involuntarily drawing a hand to her stomach. There was no baby there now. Her belly was flat and still, no sign of the kicks that had accompanied her to bed every night or the wriggling baby that had moved and turned inside of her every day. How was she supposed to cope with this? How could she ever cope with what she had lost? How could Gene?
She remembered, as much as she tried not to, the conversation they'd had that day; how anxious they both were at the thought of parenthood; Gene with no experience of children and Alex's experience of caring for Molly such a long time ago. They were going to be learning together. They'd talked one another into it despite their own fears. And soon enough, where initially fear and apprehension had stood excitement and anticipation quickly replaced them.
"Oh god, I miss you, baby," Alex whispered as she sank to the ground. She'd never get to meet her. She'd never even given her a name. She wanted to wait until she was back with Gene to do that. She couldn't have chosen alone. They were supposed to do that together. She shook her head as the darkness engulfed her and suddenly there was no way to hold back the tears. They came forth in loud, angry sobs that she wasn't able to control. Her chest hurt as she shook and her eyes felt raw with tears that just kept falling. There was no stopping them, no holding them back, not even when she heard Gene's footsteps rushing through the flat towards her. She knew she'd woken him with her crying but she couldn't bring herself to stop.
"You silly mare," Gene's tact was as strong as ever. She could barely hear him over her sobbing and hiccupping but she certainly felt his presence as he sank down to his knees by her side. "Come here." Before she could do anything she felt his arms around her neck and her shoulders, pulling her close, holding her tightly. She wanted to protest that she was fine but the evidence spoke volumes against that. Instead she just let the warmth of his arms envelope her as she cried. Something about his strength helped to slowly soothe the raw pain that she felt in her heart and eventually her sobs quietened to a gentle whimpering. "I know the tiles are a pile of bollocks but I didn't think the bathroom décor would get to you this much."
Alex gave a fitful laugh which still contained half a sob within it. She pulled her head gently from his shoulder and wiped her eyes with the bottom of her t-shirt.
"What must you think of me?" she whispered, her nose stuffy from the tears, "first night home and I've flooded the bathroom.
"Better with tears than toilet water," Gene told her.
"True," Alex sniffed.
Gene reached out and pulled off a long string of toilet roll which he handed to Alex and watched her wipe her eyes and nose with a grateful smile.
"Thanks," she said quietly.
Gene stared at her.
"So," he said, "if it's not the bathroom décor that's turned yer face into Niagara Falls then…" he saw her expression falling again. "It's alright, Bolly," he told her, "You don't need to sell it out to me. I think I can have a bloody decent guess."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I'm so sorry. I tried so hard not to do this."
"What the bloody hell were you trying not to do that for anyway?" Gene scolded, "You're the bleeding psychiatrist, woman!"
Alex was about to correct him but saw a slightly suspicious look on his face.
"You said that wrong on purpose, didn't you?" she scolded.
"Just checking yer reflexes," Gene told her. He brushed the hair from her face and pulled her head against his chest. "Come on, Bolly. Talk to me. Don't come all the way back here and keep yer mouth shut. We're both in this together, remember?"
Alex closed her eyes as she absorbed the literal and metaphorical warmth she drew from Gene. She breathed in deeply and began,
"I don't think I am ever going to get over this, Gene.
"We might not get over it," Gene told her, "but we'll get through it. They're not the same thing - but we'll survive."
"It seems so bloody unfair," she spat angrily, "after everything… you've no idea what it was like, out there. First I woke up in the real world and thought our baby had just vanished. Then suddenly a doctor started poking me in the stomach, took a load of blood and the next thing I knew they were telling me I was still pregnant… well, that I was pregnant, at least. They didn't know that I already knew that." She drew away and looked at him seriously, "It was a nightmare. They thought someone had taken advantage of me while I was in a coma."
"I took advantage of yer coma for fifteen years, "Gene commented.
"Not in that way," Alex said crossly, "they thought…" she sighed and shook her head.
"I knew what you were saying, Bols," Gene told her, "Sorry. Yer not the only one finding this bloody hard."
Alex closed her eyes and concentrated on the feeling of Gene's fingers running through her hair.
"They started testing everyone," she said, "trying to get a genetic match, trying to find out who 'attacked' me. It was awful, I had to keep up the lie."
"Yeah, I might have heard something about that," Gene said awkwardly. That was a conversation for another day though.
"They tested all the male doctors and nurses… they even suspected Robin," Alex shook her head angrily, "we went through all of that, and then all the hospital appointments, and trying to get strong enough to carry a baby when I'd just come out of a coma… I spent hours just…" she felt a little stupid for saying it but couldn't quite hold back, "just talking to her, telling her about you, telling her about her home and what like would be like when we got back." She drew away from him and looked him in the eye. "It's all been for nothing, Gene… all of that.. It's been for nothing."
"No," Gene sad firmly, "no, it hasn't been for nothing."
"Our baby is out there with no parents," Alex whispered, on the verge of more tears, "and there's a mother and father here with no baby."
Gene slipped his fingers between Alex's and squeezed her hand. His eyes focused on the floor as he said,
"It's not been for nothing. Promise you."
"Then why?"
"Found something out recently," Gene cleared his throat, "turns out all those happy clappy 'everything happens for a reason' idiot brains were right. Don't know why yet. Don't know why or what or when but there's a reason this had to happen and there's a reason she's over there now. Maybe one day she'll walk right into this station after rounding up the scum of two thousand and fifty nine. Maybe she's going to be the bloody prime minister, I don't know. But she's got 'er own role to play and just because we don't know what it is doesn't make it less important." He sighed and closed his eyes as her continued, "And there's someone who needs her out there."
"Who?" Alex frowned, completely unsure of that. She felt Gene's fingers under her chin as he pulled her face up to look at him.
"Another strong girl who takes after her mother," he said. He felt uncomfortable even talking about it, as though he had no right. "I saw her, Alex. Molly."
Alex's eyes opened and she felt the breath vanishing from her lungs.
"Molly?" she whispered.
Gene nodded slowly, looking away. He couldn't quite face looking her in the eye.
"Saw her on your tape," he said, "in yer hospital room. Talk about a chip off the block." He found his breathing deepening to keep his cool. "Looks so much like you, Bols." he rubbed his forehead. "I don't think l I realised until I saw her for meself… how much you've given up for me. To be here."
He felt Alex's eyes upon him and chanced a glance in her direction where conflicting emotions flashed across her face.
"I'm never going to get over the guilt," she admitted, "And I can't pretend it doesn't hurt so, so much to leave her behind, Gene, especially now I've been back there… seen her again… got to know the Molly Drake she's grown into while I've been away…" she swallowed and turned his face towards her, "but," she whispered, her voice breaking as she spoke, "there was someone who needed me more."
Gene fought hard to hold back his own emotions. Sometime he wished he could show them a little more easily but that just wasn't him and never would be, however much he may have adapted as the years went by. He breathed in deeply to keep a check over his emotions and told her,
"There's a part of you out there. That big girl of yours has got a sister now. She'll look at her and she'll see you. And she'll see all the strength and all the fight that her mum had. And that will keep her going."
Alex gave a gasp and a hiccup as she tried and failed to stop herself from crying again.
"God, Gene, you knew this was going to happen," she gasped between sobs, wiping her eyes again on the sodden toilet roll, "You don't need to make me cry more, you know."
"Bolly, I'm serious," he told her and from his tone she could tell that much, "Whatever else happens, that little one's got a big sister who's going to look after her, teach her everything she needs to know, and they'll both survive because you've given them that strength." He rubbed her hand gently between his own as he continued. "Now, as for us," he paused as he tried to work out how to phrase it, "as for us, you and me, well, we've learned from her too. Now we know."
"Know what?"
Gene hesitated.
"What we want," he said quietly. His eyes scanned the room and he gave a distant laugh, tinged with sadness, "bloody hell, Bols, remember the two of us, sitting here like a couple of flipping cowards, waiting for yer line to go blue? Don't know which of us was shaking more."
"You," Alex commented.
Gene didn't actually think so, but for the sake of keeping the peace he decided to bite his tongue on that.
"Never thought I'd want that before," Gene told her, "Looked at it all wrong. Too busy thinking about how a bloody baby seat would never fit in me car. But things changed when you pissed on that stick." He cleared his throat gruffly and looked at her. "So, next time… whenever… whenever you're ready… if you're ready," he gave a slight nod as though he wasn't sure how to finish his sentence and wanted her to show that she understood but she carried on staring, waiting for him to deliver the rest of his sentence, "when you want me to ditch me Durex loyalty card… just say the word. And next time, things will be different."
Next time. Alex hadn't expected there to be a next time. With the baby not altogether planned, despite Gene's manly bits leading the fight, she hadn't expected to have another opportunity. She stared at him, not sure how to put into words the way she felt. Maybe her emotions were still too mixed up for words anyway, she decided, so instead she reached out and wrapped her arms around him. She could feel another tear sliding down her cheek, damn it. She needed to stop doing that.
"Thank you," she whispered.
Gene held her close for a long time. The bathroom floor was neither the most romantic nor the most comfortable to spend their first night back together but it didn't matter. The 'together' part was the most important bit, after all. And when they eventually left the room and trailed back to bed Alex felt just a little stronger. She knew there would be many more tears and it would take a long time to get past what had happened but they could do it together. It wouldn't be easy, but in this world very little was.
That didn't mean it was impossible though. Anything was possible when they stood side by side.
~xXx~
#...When somebody reaches for your heart
Open up and let them through
'Coz everybody needs someone around
Things can tumble down on you
You'll discover when you look around
You don't have to be alone
Just one lover is all you need to know
When you're feeling all alone
You might need somebody
You might need somebody too
(You might need somebody too)
You might need somebody
You might need somebody too
(You might need somebody too)
If there is fire stolen in your heart
And you're sure it's wrong and right
Keep it burning through the cold and I
It can warm your lonely nights
You might need somebody
You might need somebody too
(You might need somebody too)
You might need somebody
You might need somebody too
(You might need somebody too)
~ You Might Need Somebody – Shola Ama