Chapter Fifteen: Free Fury

"Humor me?" L asked hesitantly, not sure where Light was going with this. Warm brown eyes stared into onyx colored ones and L's heart fluttered. Light said nothing or if he did L hadn't heard him the next thing L was aware of was Light's lips were pressed against his own. His breath caught and his heart beat an erratic tattoo against his chest. in an almost loving kiss.

The kiss was so gently it wouldn't be too much of an exaggeration to call it loving. It filled L with such warmth and happiness while at the same time gave him the near overwhelming desire to weep.

L knew that there was no real emotion behind this kiss. Light did not love him; Light wasn't even pretending to love him. Light was simply humoring him.

Still, part of L's brain was saying 'so what.' So what if Light was just humoring him? Why couldn't L enjoy it while it last? Where was it written that L couldn't take advantage of such a situation?

L found this part of his mind to be most convincing as he wrapped his arms around Light's neck and melted into the kiss.

This kiss was more gentle and loving than any of its predecessors and L wished with all his heart that Light meant something with it. But the Yagami boy had already admitted to his incapability to offer L love, this kiss was nothing but a meeting of their lips, an empty gesture, and it broke L's heart to know that Light only chose to be gentle with him when there was nothing backing the action. But L didn't care, he had coveted Light's kiss for such a long time he was just glad to finally receive what he had yearned for.

Eventually Light broke the kiss, leaving L panting for breath and wanting more. He wanted to reach out and pull Light's lips back to his. He wanted to express all his love with the kiss and make Light fall in love with him in return. But he didn't. He couldn't. It wouldn't be worth it to cling so desperately to someone who would never love him.

L took a sharp intake of breath when he suddenly felt Light's lips kissing gently down his neck, his hands delving under L's shirt and caressing the alabaster flesh there.

"Light," L whimpered. "Nnn, Light-kun," he moaned as Light pinched one of his nipples. Every one of Light's actions screamed of care and love, L's heart pounded in his chest with each gentle touch.

This is what he had wanted. He had wanted Light to treat him kindly like a lover, to treat him as if he truly loved him, so why did this feel so wrong to him? Why was his mind screaming out no, why did he want Light to stop? Did he really want this? Did he want Light to make a mockery of his love?

Light was simply humoring him, nothing more. Just like their first time together, Light was acting on one of L's whims.

Memories of what happened after their first time entered L's mind: going back up to Headquarters feeling empty and broken, barely holding in tears as he told Matsuda off, succumbing to those tears the moment he was alone. The salty liquid had spilled down his cheeks and dripped into his untouched cup of tea.

He had been so heartbroken after their first time, because he desperately wanted Light to make love to him, not just simply use him for sex. That was more painful than Light denying him all together.

L would never let that happen again.

The pain and heartbreak of touching without loving, of having what he wanted but not owning it, L would never wanted to submit himself to such torture again.

"No," L said trying to push Light away from him. His voice was soft and shaking. Light didn't seem to hear him. "Light stop." This time he spoke louder and knew he was heard, but Light continued to fondle his nipples and kiss on his neck, the pleasure almost making L lose sight of what he was trying to do. "Light." That sounded more like a moan than the demanding voice he was trying to use.

L took a deep breath to clear his mind and said in his best do-as-I-say tone said, "Light Yagami I told you to stop." He accentuated this statement by giving Light a hard push away from him.

"What is it Ryuuzaki?" Light asked seemingly surprised to be pushed away so suddenly.

"I told you to stop, and that means you better stop unless you planned on raping me again."

"What the hell, Ryuuzaki? I was only doing what you wanted. I told you I would humor you didn't I?"

"That's exactly why I told you to stop, Light. I want you to love me, not humor me. It's not the same." At the last line L's voice dropped a little; it was almost a begging tone.

"Ryuuzaki, you and I both know I'm incapable of loving anyone but myself," Light stated "So what's the problem now?"

"That's not true, Light," L found himself denying one of the very statements he had accepted to be true. "You love Amane Misa, and…" he paused, "You loved me at one point."

"Let the record show that I do not love Amane Misa," Light said cynically, "That foolish girl claims to love me, but the feeling is not mutual. She lacking too much in the intelligence department for my taste."

"But you don't deny ever loving me." A statement not a question.

"That's different."

"How is it different?" L wanted to know. Oh how he so desperately want to know. How is it different? How is what was possible before impossible now? "What changed since then and now? I haven't changed. You haven't changed. Nothing has changed. I still love you and you still love me, the only thing different now is that now you refuse to admit it."

"I can't admit to feeling something that I don't feel," Light practically spat. "That would make me a liar."

"And that statement just made you a hypocrite. You lie every day. The very act of saying that you're not a liar is a lie. And saying that you don't love me is an even bigger lie. About half the things that come out of your mouth are lies. Go ahead tell another lie; tell me what I just said isn't the truth."

Light didn't say a word.

"You really want to humor me Light?" L persisted. "How about telling me the truth for once. That'll for sure humor me."

"I have told you the truth before." Light insisted.

"Really? When, Light? Please refresh my memory, because I sure can't recall you ever uttering the truth."

"I told you the truth when I told you that I choose my heart."

Light's words caught L off guard; making him remember the night when he'd felt true happiness for the first time. That night he was sure he and Light would have forever together.

Where was that forever now?

L's shock turned to bitterness. "If you're listening to your heart right now, then your heart is truly black indeed." His words were harsh, but they undeniably true.

"Ryuuzaki…"

"I'm sorry Light," L cut in, "but could you please leave. It seems I'm still suffering from my fever. I should get some rest, I'll return to work soon enough."

"Ryuuzaki—,"

"Now, Light," L stared down at the bedspread, "Please." The last part was barely above a whisper.

Light sighed. "Fine, Ryuuzaki. Come back downstairs when you feel better."

L said nothing and didn't look up from staring at the bedspread even after he heard the door closed signaling that Light had left the room. He gripped a handful of the bedspread in a tight fist, one arm hugging his knees to his chest. He sat there in silence, just staring at the bedspread beneath him.

As the first tear fell and landed on the back of his fist he swore to himself that he would never let Light Yagami make him cry again.

As the first choked sob escaped his lips and he broke down he swore to himself that he would never fall in love again.

As the first shard of his pride returned he swore to himself that he would not face his end in tears.

Gathering himself up and forcing all the broken pieces of himself into their proper place, L dried his tears, stood, and headed downstairs to face the rest of Task Force.

.:~:.

"Matsuda," L said sitting in his chair and facing his computer screen.

"Huh? What is it Ryuuzaki?" Touta Matsuda asked looking up from his work.

"Swear to me you won't make the same mistakes that I did."

"What are you talking about Ryuuzaki? Ryuuzaki!"

Pain shot trough L's chest, causing him to drop his tea cup and to fall from his chest. Light was by his side in an instant acting like the concerned friend. One look at Light's face and he knew all of his suspicions had been confirmed. He knew it, he had known all along.

The pain of the heart attack was nothing compared to the pain his heart had suffered due to the man smirking down at him. A shame, he wouldn't be the one catch Kira. But he had known all along whom the self-righteous killer was.

Not wanting the last thing he'd see before he died to be the face of the person who caused him such unending suffering, he turned his eyes away and they fell on Matsuda.

Touta Matsuda, the youngest member of the team other than Light. The fool doomed to repeat L's own mistakes. Why couldn't L have fallen in love with someone as light hearted and loving as Matsuda?

'Too late for regret now, Lawliet,' L thought to himself. 'Your mistakes have been made, choices that can't be taken back. I just hope that—,' he never finished the thought as he breathed his last breath.