A/N: It's that day…. Two years ago…. No, wait, I'm saving that for the end of the chapter :P But just to say I'm going to be posting the winning 'missing' scene this evening at 9, and it is going to be crap in the highest order because I cannot write straight smut for ANYTHING! …'I did my best and that's what matters…', so they say (patronisingly!) :P
As for this fic, be warned the second climax to the story (because I can't seem to just have one per fic :P) is about to strike with the build-up tomorrow. Tissue warnings issued. Also, advised kit to protect yourself from manic Keats includes a baseball bat, a pair of thick leather gloves and photos of Kim to distract him while you call the men in white coats. Onwards and upwards!
~xXx~
Chapter Twenty Five
Alex felt like her heart was going to explode. Being back in CID, walking through the office she knew so well, seeing familiar faces and hearing familiar voices made her feel warm through and through. God, she had missed it so much. Her fingers danced over desks and slowly skimmed the backs of chairs. Everything that she touched was solid and tangible, as real as things could ever get, and helped to ground her as she continued to struggle with accepting that she was truly back. She kept worrying that she was about to wake up at any moment and find she'd been dreaming.
There was one notable absence as she stared at the empty space where a desk had once stood; Her desk. It belonged to someone else now. Someone else, fifteen years away. She still felt saddened to see the space where it used to sand.
She slowly closed her fingers around the handle of Gene's office door and opened it. The room smelt like Gene. It was a bit like how she imagined a Gene-scented air freshener to smell. She could catch the scent of his aftershave and scotch mixed with a little perspiration and a faint twist of latte. The office looked a little bare; Gene had never properly moved back in after his sabbatical and it showed. He'd always left one foot out of the station, his heart no longer in it after Alex vanished.
She took a seat and leaned back with her eyes closed, just taking in the moment. She was back, back in familiar surroundings, back home. Being back at the station helped her to believe that. She didn't know how long she was in the office for before the door opened – she's been so absorbed in her gratitude at the world welcoming her back that she lost track of how much time had elapsed. She turned and gave a slight smile as a somewhat confused Simon entered.
"Oh," he said, raising an eyebrow, "Um… Gene said someone wanted to see me?"
"That was me," Alex said a little nervously. She wasn't completely sure that she wasn't going to poke her nose in where it wasn't wanted. But then again, that had never stopped her before and things usually worked out alright.
"Oh," Simon looked around for a chair and sat down opposite, "Well… what can I do for you?"
Alex breathed in slowly through her nose and exhaled through her mouth. She leaned forward slightly and said,
"I thought you might need to talk."
"Talk?" Simon frowned, "why?"
"Just thought you might need someone to sound off to," Alex told him, "someone… away from the situation."
Simon hesitated.
"Situation?"
Alex's light and cheerful approach began to change as her expression grew darker
"I know about what happened," she said quietly, "with Gene and your mother."
Simon's whole expression sank. He had been doing a good job of blocking it out all day and now Alex's words had brought it back.
"Oh," he said, his body radically deflating before her. Where a moment earlier he'd sat tall and straight, his body slumped as though his bones were melting. Alex was shocked by how much the mention of the subject had affected him, turning him visibly paler and moving his eyes downward with sadness and bitterness.
"I found out before I came back," she said quietly, "there was… DNA testing done on my baby. The hospital had jumped to awful conclusions and I couldn't tell them the truth. There were no direct matches but when they started searching for partial matches one name came up."
Simon briefly caught her eye.
"Mine," he said quietly.
Alex nodded slowly.
"It's what was called a familial match," she said quietly, "between two close family members."
Simon stared at the ground.
"Have you seen the tape yet?" he asked as though it was a foregone conclusion that she would be shown it at some point.
Alex shook her head.
"I wouldn't watch it if anyone asked me to, Simon, that's private," she said quietly, "it was a private moment that happened between two people decades ago. You shouldn't have been shown the tape either, but of course that was the whole point. Keats wanted to provoke the worst response he could to the news and decided a video was the most effective way to make you self-destruct." She paused, "am I right?"
Simon carried on staring at the ground. He hadn't really thought about it in those terms before.
"Doesn't change the fact that Gene slept with my mother," he said quietly.
"No, I know that," Alex said patiently. She sighed. "Simon, I'm worried about you. I'm worried about Gene. I've seen you become friends and build up respect for each other, I really don't want to see all of that go to waste."
"Alex, I don't see how things can ever go back to the way they were," Simon shook his head, "Not now I know the truth. I find it hard to even look him in the face sometimes."
"He's still the same person you got to know over the past year. He made one mistake and he has paid the price in guilt ten times over. He's just as scared and confused as you are."
"I doubt that."
"He had no idea that he had a son out there, and certainly didn't expect to find it was you. He's slowly torturing himself to pieces about it."
"Alex, I appreciate what you're trying to do but if you're expecting a reconciliation then it's not going to happen. We're being… civil. And that's as much as we're going to be."
"I know you drove two hundred miles to pull Gene back out the pub," Alex told him, "that's a real friendship."
"Except we were never friends, we were apparently father and son," Simon said bitterly, "you learn that about yourself and you can never go back."
"It's clear that you're still angry," Alex pointed out, "and of course you have every right to be, But when that anger fades you'll have a chance to work this through.
"I don't think I want to," Simon said quietly, "I don't think I can get past this."
"Can't, or don't want to?" Alex challenged.
"Look, don't lecture me," Simon said crossly, "you've no idea what it's like. Have you ever seen someone you trusted implicitly giving your mother what could only be described as a good seeing to?"
"Yes, I have actually!" Alex finally raised her voice. Simon froze, not expecting those words at all. Her expression briefly became angry as she recalled that terrible moment, sixteen years ago where a collection of photographs would be forever emblazoned on her mind, "I have," she said a little more quietly.
Simon stared on. He could believe it.
"You…. have?" he asked.
Alex nodded slowly.
"My mother," she said quietly, "and Evan."
"Shit," Simon closed his eyes. He'd heard a few things from Robin about the reason behind Layton blackmailing Evan but had never really thought about how it paralleled the situation he was in. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. He stared to feel guilty. He'd been whining and whinging like a spoilt child, and he knew it, but the truth about Gene had scarred him deeply. Now he realised he wasn't the only one who'd ever found out something that had shaken every fibre of his being. "I'm really sorry, Alex." He paused, "But Evan…. He wasn't your…?" he trailed off, unable to bring himself to finish that comment. Luckily Alex understood.
"No," she said, "at least, not as far as I'm aware. I don' think it started until long after I was born." She rubbed her chin. "At least, I don't see any resemblance… I don't need to shave do I?"
Simon gave the tiniest smile.
"No," he promised.
"Good."
Simon looked down. The truth had burned him so deeply inside. He really did need to talk about it and he hadn't realised before how much.
"I always knew one of them had cheated," he said quietly, "when I was a kid… really young… my dad left for a while. They had counselling. Somehow they made it past this and…" he shook his head, "but I never found out which one it was. I never asked. I… I kind of always thought it would have been my father, but I didn't dare bring it up. I always had such a fear of infidelity after that. I was terrified f getting into a relationship because I was scared of being betrayed. And then I saw that tape… and I found out that not only was it my mum who betrayed my dad… but the person she'd ended up…" he flinched, he couldn't bring himself to spell it out, "well, it was someone I respected. Looked up to."
"And," Alex wasn't even sure whether to bring it up or not but decided to risk it, "had a bit of a… crush on," she said awkwardly.
Simon's jaw dropped as a look of complete mortification came over him.
"Oh God," he breathed, raising his hands to his face, "shit, why the hell did you have to bring that up?"
"Because I didn't want you beating yourself up over it forever," Alex told him. She closed her eyes for a moment as she saw the broken pieces of Simon crumbling into dust before her. She recalled the day she confronted him carefully; seeing his behaviour around Gene, watching the way he reacted. Simon had been mortified at the time but Alex had managed to make him understand that she wasn't trying to make him feel bad about it and helped him to realise that part of what he found attractive in Gene was simply the feeling of safety and security that he provided.
"I can't cope with this," Simon stood up and started to walk towards the door, "I didn't want to talk about any of this in the first place."
"It's called Genetic Sexual Attraction," Alex said quickly to stop him in his tracks. He froze. He didn't know what to do. Very slowly he turned back round and briefly looked Alex in the eye. "And you're not alone," she told him, "it can occur between blood relatives who don't know each other from birth and meet later in life. Often it happens after someone's sought their family members… like looking for their blood family after adoption, but it can also happen between people who don't know they're related."
Simon shuffled uncomfortably.
"Go on," he prompted her to continue.
"You see in that person a number of... physical similarities, likeness in your personality, things in common from sharing the same DNA." Alex tried not to look at him with too much sympathy, she knew that would only anger him, but it was difficult not to when she thought about everything that he'd been through while she'd been in another world. She couldn't stand to see her friends hurting. "You saw something familiar in Gene and misread that as an attraction to him. Coupled with the fact that you were missing Robin, your feelings were projected onto the nearest person instead." She stood up so that she could look him in the eye, "I know you've been going through a nightmare, Simon, but this isn't something to beat yourself up about. It's not as uncommon as you might think. Just put it out of your mind, stop blaming yourself."
Simon wasn't sure what to say at first, it wasn't something he had ever heard of but did explain some things to him.
"I felt like a bloody pervert," he said quietly.
"Well, you're not," Alex told him seriously, "and there was no way that you could have known what was happening."
"Explains some stuff," Simon said quietly. He found himself regressing to half-sentences, like an awkward teenager being caught with a packet of condoms, "wasn't even my type. Couldn't understand."
He sank back into his chair at last so Alex sat down too and moved a little closer.
"When you said you assumed your father was the one who cheated," she said quietly.
"Oh, I feel so bad about that" Simon hung his head, "why did I even assume that? I had no proof either way. All those years in the back of my mind…"
Alex hesitated.
"Perhaps because," she began, "you lost your mother at such an early age, you had so few memories of her that you didn't want to taint them in any way." She saw his expression as he mulled over her words, "whereas with your father… he brought you and your sisters up single-handedly for most of your lives. Deep down you felt that, even if he had cheated on your mum, he'd spent many years making up for that while your mother… would never have had the chance."
Simon closed his eyes for a moment and bowed his head. He nodded slowly as a lone tear trickled down the side of his face. He swallowed hard to stop himself from becoming too emotional.
"Maybe," he whispered.
"But, Simon," Alex leaned forward and began earnestly, "whatever happens you mustn't let this taint the memories you have of your mum. She made one mistake, one night. She wasn't the first."
"I know."
"Nor the last."
Simon bit his lip.
"Is this the part where you remind me about Keats?" he asked.
Alex drew in a deep breath.
"I take it that's been Gene's main argument about getting you to forgive him?" she asked.
"He may have mentioned it," Simon mumbled.
"Everyone makes mistakes," Alex insisted. She didn't want to pull him up over the one that he constantly beat himself up about, "believe me. I've never cheated but I've still made a couple of…" she cringed, "bedroom choices I'm not proud of."
Simon fell silent for a long time. He stared at his hands, at the desk, at the ground – anything that meant he didn't have to look Alex in the eye until finally he said,
"Gene was my friend. I miss that."
"And he can be again," Alex urged him, "but only if you let him. It's your call, Simon. You can let this keep on coming between you or you can choose to get everything out in the open once and for all and to move on."
"Gene already had his hairy arse out in the open," Simon mumbled.
"I should warn you that I have strict instructions about what to do if the subject of Gene's backside comes up," Alex told him. She paused. "You should try talking to him. Properly. Talking, not blaming."
"Not sure I can face that yet," Simon told her.
"Whenever you're ready."
Simon breathed in deeply. He felt a little awkward talking about things with someone he hadn't seen in many months but it felt so, so good to let some of it out. He'd been bottling up so much stress that it had started to destroy him little by little.
"The genetic thing," he said quietly, "can that work in other ways too?"
"What do you mean?" Alex asked.
"Keats," Simon's voice was barely loud enough to hear, "I hate what I did. I hate myself for what I did. And the worst part is, I don't know why I did it. To this day I don't know why I did it." He briefly caught Alex's eye. "I…. I guess you know about Robin's father?"
Alex nodded darkly.
"Yes," she said quietly, "and if you're asking me if you were drawn to Keats because he reminded you of Robin, then it's certainly possible. The resemblance – physically – is there."
Simon nodded slowly, keeping his eyes focused on the floor. He knew he would never fully forgive himself for ending up as another notch on Keats's bedpost but at least now he understood a little of why he'd done something so out of character. The more he thought about things the more he started to wonder about something else too.
"Do you think," he began, "that it works in reverse too?"
"I don't know what you mean," frowned Alex. The only thing she could think was that Simon meant he reminded Keats of Gene and that led to the horrifying thought of Keats wishing to get into Gene's pants. She shuddered at the mere concept.
"I mean," Simon began, "maybe Kim could see the resemblance…"
Alex closed her eyes with a sigh.
"Simon –"
"…And Keats had really got her under his spell here…"
"No, Simon."
"…For months and months, he was sleeping with her…"
"Simon, I'm sorry but you're wrong."
"…Drugging her, using gas and air, he had her so confused about how she felt about him…"
"You need to listen to me –"
"…that maybe, all those years later, Robin just reminded her of Keats…"
"- because you need to stop trying to talk yourself into believing Robin and Kim are anything but solid –"
"…And she just mistakenly thought she was attracted to him…"
"- Kim is in love with him, Simon," Alex raised her voice to make him listen, "and Robin's in love with Kim." She watched his expression freeze on his face, then fall slowly. "I'm sorry. But you have to understand that it doesn't matter how many ways you try to convince yourself otherwise, they're very strong." She paused as she saw him bristle and look away. "It's not some kind of… mistaken affection, some misplaced attraction, and it doesn't matter how many times you try to talk yourself into believing there's some ulterior motive behind their relationship. There isn't one. There's just love."
Simon shook his head.
"I can't believe that," he said quietly, "it's too weird. It doesn't make any sense, and Robin…." He closed his eyes, "I thought… I thought we were forever."
Alex could see every bit of pain that Simon had been feeling since Robin arrived back in Gene's world. She could see how badly his heart had broken. As wrong as he was to keep looking for excuses and reasons not to believe the relationship was real or ways to break them up it was born only from one thing – the fact that he'd yearned to be reunited with the love of his life for over a year and suddenly the love he'd clung to had been wiped away.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "If there was something I could say to make things better then I would. But I can't lie to you." she sighed and pushed her hair behind her ears, "I just spent the last three months out there in the real world, staying with them, seeing what they were like together, getting to understand how things worked. And I'm not saying I fully understand it even now. But what I do know is that it… just… does."
Simon looked at her sadly, barely daring to ask his question.
"What… what are they like together?" he asked, "as a," his voice cracked, "couple?"
Alex sighed.
"Strong," she said quietly, "devoted. They know each other inside out." She paused. "Kim's helped Robin to be a stronger person, and Robin's helped Kim to learn to feel again. She blocked all of that out when she left this world. They joke, they pick on each other all the time, they banter from morning until night and neither ever takes the slightest bit of offence."
"Are you sure you're not thinking of you and Gene?" Simon mumbled, trying to make a joke and not really succeeding. Alex gave a tiny smile regardless.
"It hasn't been easy for them, Simon. They've had a rough time. Imagine how you'd feel if you suddenly found yourself attracted to a woman."
"Unlikely, the only one I know is the one with the massive backside from the canteen," Simon mumbled, his arms folded."
"They've had a lot to deal with," Alex told him, "Molly named them both as representative adults in my care after Evan went to prison. They're not even related to me and they were having to make decisions about my welfare. They went through Evan's trial, Kim divorcing her wife, miscarriages, kidnappings, bleedthroughs and episodes of Dispatches about a cardboard cutouts of Nick Nailer being used for," she gulped, "immoral purposes." She shook her head, "and they grew closer than ever." She took a deep breath. "Robin has never stopped loving you, Simon and he never will, but he did what you told him to and met someone. He found love again. If you hadn't meant it… you shouldn't have said it."
Simon hung his head. He'd had good intentions. He'd wanted Robin to meet someone else and find happiness, but only when he didn't think that hard about it. The reality was that his good intentions had come with a broken heart delivered by first class post. He glanced at Alex.
"Was he happy with her?" he whispered, afraid of letting tears loose.
Alex nodded her head.
"Very," she whispered.
Simon stared at his hands. It was all so hard. He wanted Robin back so badly, but it looked like that was never going to happen. He wanted Robin to be happy, but he wanted to be the one to make him happy. He felt himself starting to choke up again.
"I think I'd better go," he said quietly, "they've taken Keats away. I need an update on his mental state."
"Simon," Alex said quickly as he got to his feet. He turned around slowly. "You should start listening to your own advice," she said quietly.
"What do you mean?"
Alex stood up.
"You know inside that telling Robin to find happiness with someone else was the right thing to do," she said, "but now you need to let yourself move on. There's someone out there who can make you happy. But you'll never find them if you won't let go."
Simon looked down. He gave a reluctant nod. He knew she was right, he just didn't know how he could ever do it.
"Thank you." he said quietly. He finally looked her fully in the eye, "and you were right." He paused. "I really did need to talk."
"What are friends for?" Alex said quietly with a sad smile.
She watched him leave, wishing that she could offer him more than a friendly ear. Simon deserved to be happy and she knew one day he'd find someone to give him the happiness he was due – he just had to learn to believe that he deserved it – and to let go of the past.
~xXx~
#...Heart over mind
Yes I'm
My father's son
I live my life just like
My father's done
If he'd have told me
One day
That somebody'd have my heart in chains
Would i believe it?
No way
Made up my mind i'd never fall that way
But tell me why
Everytime i try
To tell you it's goodbye
I can't seem to let go in my heart
I know i want to stay
What i'm trying to say
Here i am with you
And you know that it's true
Despite all the feelings
You're putting me through
Try to walk away
But something makes me stay
But tell me why
Every time i try
To tell you it's goodbye
I can't seem to let go in my heart
Though i want to stay
Never run away
My father's son
And i live my life
Inclined to do
As my father's done
If he'd have told me
One day
That someone would have my heart in chains
Would I believe it
No way
Made up my mind I'd never fall that way
But it's heart over mind
Yes I'm
My father's son
And I live my life
Inclined to do
As my father's done
Heart over mind
Yes i'm
My father's son
~ My Father's Son – Conner Reeves
~xXx~
A/N: Two years ago today…. Two years ago, bloody hell, that's gone fast. I still miss A2A, I really do. I remember on the day of the last episode I was invigilating an exam and instead of watching the clock to see how long the students had left I kept looking at the clock and thinking, "…X hours and X minutes until A2A…. X hours and X minutes until we know the truth…." :D Also, the night before the last episode I was so wound up with excitement I ended up going for a walk to the supermarket at stupid o'clock at night (something like quarter to ten) because I needed a distraction! I bought a loaf we didn't even need!
Like I said, I still miss it. And I still feel like Alex's fate was an absolute punch in the guts. I can't think of it without getting all angry again. But I do have that, and A2A as a whole, to thank for giving me back the urge and passion to write after years where my inspiration was killed stone dead. Ad if it hadn't been for that, this last year and all the stuff that happened, I'd have gone absolutely crazy without this outlet.
And thanks to A2A I've made some wonderful friends too :)
You don't need any more of my emotional dribbling, it's too early in the morning :P But I just wanted to mark the day. And I'd love to hear anyone else's memories of the day of the last episode as well, because I love to hear that stuff. It keeps Ashes alive. (I am aware that's a bad choice of word! Ha :P)
Happy End-Of-Ashes-Anniversary everyone!
Anyone for a glass of Bolly?