We would like to interrupt this program with an important message from our sponsors.

Sarge: Greetings! This is Sarge from the popular Web series Red vs. Blue!

Church: And this is Private Leonard L. Church from the same show.

Sarge: Today, we will be talking to you about the importance of Christmas traditions!

Church: Yes. We'd like to present to you a list of the most important Christmas traditions we have and how to go about performing them properly. (mutters) Whatever the hell that means around here.

Sarge: So let's get started! First, we'll talk about leaving cookies out for the most generous Red, jolly old St. Nick!

Church: Most of the time, you'll want to hand-bake them and leave a glass of milk, too.

Sarge: Let's go over to the fireplace where Donut made some Christmas cookies to leave out for—hey! Where the hell are they?

Grif: (sitting near the fireplace with crumbs on his mouth)

Sarge: You dirtbag! We were saving those for Santa!

Grif: Dude, you should be thanking me. Santa's job is to come in here and eat these. I was just helping the old man with his work. Hear that? I was actually doing work around here!

Caboose: (horrified) Does that mean Santa is not coming?

Sarge: (cocks his shotgun)

Church: A second very important tradition around here is lighting candles and exchanging gifts on the eight days of Christmas!

Simmons: That's Hanukkah, you idiot!

Church: What the hell is that?

Simmons: …

Church: Wait, you mean we only get presents one day, while they get shit for eight nights in a row? How the hell is that fair?

Sarge: A third tradition that we have recently incorporated due to certain genders being present is the timeless tradition of hanging mistletoe!

Eleven: …You've got to be kidding me.

Tucker: (looks above himself and grins at Eleven) Well, look what we have here.

Eleven: Okay, it doesn't count if you put the mistletoe up while I'm standing here!

Tucker: (shrugs) Well, it's still there either way. Pucker up!

Eleven: Sarge! I didn't sign up for this!

Sarge: It's for the cause, missy! We all have to make sacrifices! For example, I have to let Grif live so we're not outnumbered by Blues!

Tucker: (leans toward Eleven, his eyes closed and lips puckered)

Eleven: (stands there unmoving, an eyebrow raised)

Donut: (sneaks up behind her and pushes her forward, mashing her lips into Tucker's) NOW KISS 8D

Eleven: Mmph! (Tucker wraps an arm around her waist, pulling her closer. She pulls away after a moment, her face red; Tucker looks rather smug) Donut, you little fu—

Sarge: Finally, a last important tradition is the wearing of festive and red and green and red and red and a little more red attire! Let's take a look at our model!

Wash: (standing there looking extremely pissed off in a Santa hat and hideous fuzzy Christmas sweater)

Donut: Isn't it gorgeous? I designed it myself!

Wash: I take it back. I take it all back. I don't regret shooting you.

Donut: The fabric is genuine cashmere and the pom pons real velveteen! It's so soft, you'll just want to cuddle with someone all the time! (eyes Wash)

Wash: I hate you.

Sarge: Well, there you have it! A handful of our Christmas traditions.

Church: Don't forget to have some crazy holiday parties—but don't spike the eggnog. Too much.

Eleven: (mutters) And don't get so drunk you grind with Maine at said parties…

Wash: (glares at her furiously) Oh, for the love of God, don't even start bringing that up again!

All: Happy holidays!

Donut: That's your cue, Wash!

Wash: (still irritated) Ho, ho.

Eleven: (whispers) You forgot the last one!

Wash: (to Eleven) …Ho.

( I didn't have enough time this week to give the next chapter justice. This holiday season has been insane. Updates should go back to normal once the holiday dies down a bit. Until then, don't murder me in my sleep, please! I hate cliffhangers just as much as you do, and I'm working on it!

-Stella

P.S. ALSO, SOMEONE DRAW CRANKY WASH IN A RIDICULOUS CHRISTMAS SWEATER. PRETTY PLEASE. I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. )