Gibbs stayed on the floor for a while, still absorbing the shock of Tony leaving like he did.
He sat and rubbed his face.
"Gunny….what did you do?" he asked himself softly.
His eyes burned and he willed away the threat of tears. What would they get him after all? And this was not a time to be weak. He needed to think.
The look of total devastation on Tony's face was seared into his mind, along with the incredible sex they had just had.
"Tony…" he groaned. The younger man meant so much to him…and he had no idea.
He sighed and shook his head. Should've talked about the book first, should have talked about…anything first.
Instead, he lost control and used his friend to satisfy the ache in his body…but was that all it was?
And the betrayal…was clear in Tony's beautiful green eyes. The tears…had shredded his heart. God. He'd just hurt Tony so badly. How were they going to move forward from this? Would Tony forgive him?
I had sex with Tony. Sex. Ohgod.
He was completely out of his depth, trying to push back all the thoughts in his mind to discover what this meant. If anything.
Jesus. What if Tony was thinking…it meant more? Did it? What if Tony had expected him to…date him? Gibbs could barely even entertain the thought.
He was a man, a marine. And straight his whole life. Until…
His eyes drifted over to the paperback lying on the floor.
He picked it up and started to tear out and crumble each page, until it was nothing but a heap of debris on his floor.
Tony felt cold. Everywhere. And almost empty inside…except for the pain. It was…becoming physical. Knowing now that everything had been ruined.
Everything.
Ten years of friendship…of a job he loved…of a family…all likely gone now.
The one person he trusted most, loved most in the world…had used him like a cheap whore and betrayed his trust.
"I should have stopped him…my fault too…should have made him talk to me…" But who was he kidding? Gibbs didn't do talk. He laughed sadly to himself as he opened the bottle of bourbon on his kitchen counter with shaking hands and chattering teeth. He was going to give the bottle to Gibbs for his birthday.
He swallowed down a shot, letting himself breathe a bit and concentrate just on the burn of the liquid going down.
He closed his eyes. And sharply recalled Gibbs' breath in his ear and hands on his body…hips pressed against him…cock inside him.
He suddenly felt sick, and ran into his bathroom just in time to empty the contents of his stomach into the white toilet.
Once he was done, he shakily stood, and went to the sink to rinse out his mouth and splash water on his face.
As he caught his reflection in the medicine cabinet mirror, he took in the red tinged tired eyes, and basically disheveled look of someone who'd just had sex.
He felt a well of hatred, of self loathing erupt from inside him. It was so intense and overwhelming, it almost shocked him. He saw himself used by Wendy, and Lance, and even Jenny Shepard when she expected him to fuck Jeanne to keep his cover. And he did it too, didn't he?
"Well…" he said thickly, "If everyone else thinks you're just a whore…why not you too?"
And even Gibbs…
The pain in his heart was too much. He crumpled to the floor, trying to hold on to the edge of the sink, and sobbed.
The next morning Gibbs went in to the office, hoping against hope that Tony would be there. At least trying to hold on to some semblance of normalcy.
But he wasn't there at eight. Or nine, or ten.
Ziva and McGee were busy finishing up the paperwork on the Simms case. And then they would all be off for two days.
"Boss?" McGee called to him.
"Yeah?" he looked up from his desk.
"Did…Tony call in …or anything yet?" McGee had a terrible feeling about the fact Tony was not there, combined with Gibbs not bitching about it and asking where he was. And Gibbs looked…like Hell.
Gibbs swallowed for a moment and looked at McGee. It made Tim even more nervous.
"Tony was under the weather last night," he said suddenly to the Probie and then looked away, and then at his phone. "Call him," he instructed.
Ziva glanced at them both and then Tony's empty desk worriedly.
"Onnit Boss," McGee said, picking up his receiver and dialing Tony's cell. Like he'd done three times this morning already before asking Gibbs if he'd heard from his SFA.
It went to voicemail.
He hung up, and shook his head at Gibbs.
"McGee," Gibbs said, "Call me if you need me," and took his gun and badge and left.
"Okay, Boss," McGee said, relieved, because he knew where Gibbs was going.
Gibbs knocked on Tony's door.
It was quiet in the apartment building.
He had hoped giving Tony some space would help. But now he was worried all over again. That aside what happened between them, something else might be wrong. He thought that he would see Tony at work…maybe a little cold towards him and angry. But then at least he could have taken him into the elevator. And talked. Though he still wasn't sure exactly what to say.
After a third knock and no response, he took out the key. Tony had given it to him several years back. In case of emergency.
He opened the door quietly, and stepped inside the handsomely decorated living room. It was all leather and dark wood.
It looked undisturbed, except for the manila envelope with a copy of the evil book on top of it. Gibbs almost hissed at it.
He pushed past the living room and kitchen, where he noticed a bottle of bourbon open, and not much had been drunk from it. But the cap was still off, and the glass sat there. Something about that made him feel worried…
"Tony?" he called gently down the hallway, into the darkened apartment, and then saw at the end of the hall, a figure lying on the floor in the bathroom…
His heart jumped in his chest. Tony wouldn't…hurt himself over this? Would he?
He quickly walked in to the bathroom and knelt down, shaking his shoulder.
Tony was very pale, and his eyes a bit puffy. Guilt ate at Gibbs like a jackal with a piece of meat.
He gently caressed Tony's face, as the green eyes blinked open. And wouldn't look at him.
That's when he noticed Tony was still in the same clothes from last night. He'd never even changed.
He knew Tony was awake, but was not responding to him. And that frightened him a little.
"Come on, Tony, look at me," Gibbs asked, but more like begged. He continued to stroke Tony's face, and then his hair.
The green eyes shut for a moment, and when they opened, looking straight at Gibbs, tears trickled out, crushing Gibbs' heart and making him feel like a car was on top of his chest.
"Why…are you here?" Tony's voice came weakly from him. He seemed…completely drained.
OK. That one's a no-brainer at least. "Because I care about you."
Tony raised a brow, and slowly pushed Gibbs' hand away from him. "You care about me?" He finally started to push himself up from the floor to sit. "Well, I think that's debatable, to say the least, Boss."
Gibbs cringed at the desolate, empty look in Tony's eyes, and the defeated tone of his voice. That's when it hit him. He remembered Abby's words, telling him how Tony would need his support, reassurance. But instead….Gibbs had taken him…taken his body…and no matter how good that was, it had come at a price. He knew what happened to Tony with his ex-partner in Baltimore…and how he'd lost…everything. And now, he likely thought the same.
Gibbs sat next to Tony on the bathroom floor, leaning back on the sink cabinet.
"You're not losing anything. Not your job, not your friends…not me….And…"Gibbs swallowed harshly, "I don't wanna' lose you."
Tony heard him, but didn't respond right away. He sat, staring at the wall, and with a small tremble in his voice, said, "You…you used me. Just like…like Wendy did. And I…loved her…just like I…"
Gibbs closed his eyes.
"Loved you," the younger man finished.
Loved? Past tense? It twisted like a knife in his soul.
"You're…you…"Tony began, and Gibbs felt him shaking, "You were the only real family I ever had…" Tony groaned and put a hand to his face.
"Tony-" Gibbs said gently, laying an arm around his shoulder.
Tony flipped like a switch.
"Fuck! Don't!" He shoved and scrambled, to get away from the touch he wanted so much, but now felt violated by. "Don't!"
But Gibbs just moved with him, and put the other arm around him as well, holding him in place as he fought.
Gibbs remained silent and held on, taking blows, hearing Tony's frenzied and angry curses and pleas next to his ear.
And it didn't take long before Tony wore himself out, and started to gasp and sob, leaning into Gibbs. "I don't understand how…y-you could do this…to me…Gibbs.. How could you do this to me?" He buried his face in Gibbs shoulder, one of his hands clutching at Gibbs' shirt.
Gibbs took a shaky breath in and then let it out.
"Tony, I swear to you, that I never meant to hurt you. And yes, I had the book. I read it. SO I could…understand what had you so upset. And was going to talk to you about it…to…let you know nothing would change between us." Tony snorted in disgust into his chest. Gibbs ignored him and continued. "I didn't plan…on…it affecting me the way it did. On you affecting me this way…and the thought of…of other men…with you…"
Tony sat back suddenly, his pale face a mess with tears, his eyes wide. "You…were…jealous?"
It hit Gibbs then. Hmmm. Yeah. That's what that was. Jealousy. He felt a little embarrassed. He nodded, looking at Tony, but said nothing.
Tony looked down for a moment, confused.
"I dunno'…"Gibbs pushed on, "if that was what did it…or reading about you…doing some of those things…or…I dunno'. Maybe I had those feelings all along but ignored them. Because, you know, I'm not…gay. Or…Bi-sexual…or whatever. I just…it was you, Tony. It was you I couldn't stand thinking about with another man. Because I wanted to be that guy. I just…didn't know it until I knew the truth about you."
Gibbs sighed. He hoped to God he was saying something right.
Tony had quieted, and was just studying him. And then looked down a bit, and started to nod.
"Okay."
"Okay?" Gibbs asked hopefully.
"You really fucked up here, Gibbs," he said quietly. "It's gonna' take a while…for me…to-"
"Forgive me."
"Yes, but…" Tony rubbed his eyes, "I fucked up too. I mean," he dropped his hands to his lap, and then looked Gibbs in the eye, "I'm an adult. I could have…stopped you. Talked…first…to know what you were thinking."
"May not have helped. I didn't know what I was thinking…I just…needed you." Gibbs face flushed with the admission. Why the hell was this so hard? Oh yeah. Tony was a guy.
Tony nodded again. He inhaled, and then breathed out, "Do you think you'llwannadothatagain?"
"Oh yeah." Gibbs smiled. "But…" his gut spasmed,"I don't know…I've never…I dunno' if a relationship…works with our jobs, and –"
"We're men. And…you're straight…aside this…little aberration…anomaly…whatever…I am…to you."
Tony looked so despondent again.
"Hey," Gibbs said, raising a hand to Tony's face for a moment. "We're family. And friends. I screwed up, but you mean a Hell of a lot to me," the emotion was so real, and raw, Gibbs almost faltered, trying to express to Tony how he felt. "And…I can't…don't wanna' make you feel like you're less…I can't…" and then Gibbs' heart sunk with the realization. Rule 12. Why didn't he follow his own rule?
"Maybe…we should try to get back on track." He forced himself to drop his hand. To stop touching Tony. Though he longed to do even more than that. "Maybe try to…reign it in…might be hard. But…I don't wanna' risk our friendship, or ability to work together. I…what we did…at my place…was amazing. But…" He looked at Tony for a response, and could help but notice the disappointment in his eyes.
He smiled again sadly, looking at Gibbs. "I understand, Boss."