Gibbs took a moment, breathing heavily, heart still pounding, after disengaging from Tony and easing his legs down and onto the couch.
Tony was completely out.
Gibbs looked at his handsome face, but now that he was actually not in the grips of a hormonal frenzy, he could see the shadows under Tony's eyes, and stress lines on his face that would not let go, even in the deep sleep state he was in.
Gibbs sighed, suddenly feeling like a creep.
He got up and brought in a washcloth, cleaning Tony up, without so much as a flutter of an eye or change in his steady, even breathing.
"You must've been dead on your feet, Tony," he said gently, stroking his face just a little.
He sighed and then pulled away.
He got cleaned up, and dressed, and brought a blanket out of the guest room to wrap around the younger man, who shifted just a little, but didn't wake when Gibbs put it over him.
Then he sat, on the floor, just looking at Tony's sleeping face.
"What the Hell are we gonna do?" he asked himself softly. Guilt tugged at him. He'd slept with Tony. Again. Knowing it was wrong.
He sighed and turned towards the fireplace, still crackling but starting to die out slowly.
He wondered what Shannon would have said about this. But then, he already knew didn't he? He'd dreamt about her on this very couch not long ago. And she told him to get out of the basement…that he wouldn't get what he needed there. She was very open minded. He used to think too much so. But he knew…she would have told him to just be happy. Fall in love if he could, again.
He'd tried with several women, hadn't he?
But…he didn't love them. Not like Shannon.
And not like Tony.
He brought a trembling hand to his face, lightly over his mouth. His heart felt like it had just woken up, and was living again. Because of Tony.
He stared at the glow of the orange flames, allowing himself, finally, several tears to escape him.
He was trapped. Hooked. There was no way he could go back now. But how in the world was he going to move forward? In a relationship with a man?
He shook his head a little. The job was not going to work. The two of them would distract each other, when they needed to be sharp to stay alive.
Maybe…he could retire. But…who was gonna' watch Tony's six? It pained him to think of leaving that responsibility to anyone…
But maybe he wasn't being fair to Ziva, or McGee. Especially McGee, who'd proven himself a damned good Agent. He'd come a long way, hadn't he?
Maybe…if he really was in love with Tony, he would have to make that sacrifice…
Gibbs tried to envision a life where he did…something else. Maybe just continued to build things with his hands, do some volunteer work. And Tony would come home to him.
A warmth spread inside him at the idea. He shouldn't have been surprised at it, but he was.
A life with Tony.
But, now the question was, even with all that, could he bear for people to think he was gay or bi? Or rather, that they would know it?
Did he really know it?
Could he see explaining to the Director, and the team he was retiring, and living with Tony?
"We can't work together. Someone will get killed," he said to himself softly, not knowing that Tony had opened his eyes a moment before, and heard Gibbs say just those words…
Gibbs left Tony sleeping where he was, on the couch, and went about putting clean sheets on the upstairs bed.
He thought about how good it would feel, to sleep next to Tony again, and inhale that crazy cookie smell that came off him.
But when he went downstairs to wake him, and bring him up to bed, Tony and his clothes, were gone.
He looked around the house and in the basement, but there was no sign of the younger man.
He tried to call Tony's cell, but it went straight to voicemail.
Gibbs took a deep breath, feeling his heart break a little, and said, "Well, damn."
Gibbs tried to call Tony once or twice more. But there was no word back from him. And Gibbs thought maybe, Tony hadn't meant for things to get out of control again, and was still upset with Gibbs for not calling him after he was home from Bethesda.
He drove by Tony's apartment, the next night, just out of a sense of protectiveness, and saw the light on. But he didn't dare go and knock.
No. Tony would have to at least call him back.
Besides. It was back to work in the morning, and Tony would have to deal with Gibbs then.
When McGee walked in to the bullpen the next morning, a little late, Ziva immediately tried to flag him down.
He dropped his bag by her desk, as she motioned him over frantically.
"What'sa matter Ziva?" he asked, with concern in his big eyes.
"Gibbs…" she said, flustered, "He came in, and…read an email, and then he actually said swear words. And then turned a very disturbing shade of red, and stormed ustairs to the Director's office."
McGee swallowed. "Gibbs? Said…swear words?"
She nodded urgently, "Yes! Yes…I am…very worried."
Tim took a deep breath. "Did you try to call Tony?"
"Yes. And he is not answering." Her dark eyes darted around, and then widened, as they both heard Gibbs, exiting the Director's office, yelling.
"He doesn't get to do this! Leon, who leaves a job like this with no notice?" Gibbs was fuming, walking out and down the stairs as Vance followed him.
"It was his decision, Gibbs. I tried to talk him out of it, I did. But, we don't run a dictatorship here. It's a free country, Jethro." Vance was trying his best to use logic to calm Gibbs.
Gibbs got to the bullpen as McGee scrambled to his seat, and ZIva pretended to be busy.
"He's the best damned Agent that's ever walked through those doors, Leon. And we have ten years. Ten years! How in the world could he do this to the team?" And to me?
Vance blinked, calmly. "Listen Agent Gibbs, I am not in the practice of making anyone do anything. If you'd like to speak to Agent DiNozzo, and try to persuade him to stay or at least give us a few weeks, well…I welcome you to try." And with that, he turned, walking up the stairs. "He's a stubborn as you are, Gibbs," he called over his shoulder. "Good luck."
Gibbs stared after him angrily, for only a moment. And then quickly went to his desk to gather his things. "The Hell he's leaving," he muttered as he stormed out with not so much as a glance at McGee and Ziva.
"Oh, shit," McGee said, staring at Ziva in shock. "Tony quit."
Gibbs drove at breakneck speed to Tony's apartment, trying to piece together what it was he was going to say…how he was going to convince him to remain on the team. And how Gibbs himself was willing to walk, so they could keep everyone safe. And…maybe try at a relationship.
He was ruminating, trying to imagine what Tony would have to say for himself, pulling something like this.
He got out of his car, slamming the door, and took off up to Tony's apartment.
The door was ajar.
Suddenly, just out of habit seeing a door like that, he pulled his gun. He tapped lightly at the door. "Tony? DiNozzo?"
As it creaked open, his mouth dropped in shock.
It was stripped clean. Empty. There was not a single indication anyone had lived in it, except for the indentations in the rug where Tony's furniture had been.
Giibs closed his eyes. "Oh, Tony…" his insides felt shredded, realizing how hard things must have been for Tony, to make him cut and run. From his team. His family.
But he really didn't run from them, did he? No. He ran from Gibbs.
Gibbs holstered his gun, with a heavy sigh, taking a cursory look around.
In the kitchen, there was a small envelope, with the name "Lee" written on it.
His felt a bit of moisture come to his eyes, as he reached for it, and opened it.
It read:
Lee/Boss/Gibbs-
I'm sorry. I know. Sign of weakness. I couldn't figure out another way to do this. I know that you didn't mean for any of this to happen. And neither did I. But the facts are the facts. I'm in love with you. It's been ten years, of friendship, and covering each other's sixes. You've taught me so much, Boss. Which on top of the mindblowing sex, makes it hard to go.
And it's ironic, really, that Jeanne once left me a letter like this, asking me to choose. Letting me know that I had to make a decision. In that case, I chose my family.
I don't regret it. Not one minute. And I don't regret what happened between us. I just can't imagine us going back to the way things were. And I don't want to.
I also know, we can't be on the team together. Rule 12. In all honesty, I think you're right.
I can't be your dirty secret. I can't live my life worried whether or not the front door is open.
And I can't be your SFA. Not anymore.
I'm not sure who I'll be without the job. But, I guess I'm going to find out.
The one thing I will be, is myself.
I'll be back in a few weeks to testify against Pink, for what he did to me. And you bet your ass I'm not missing that.
So this isn't goodbye, really. Please tell everyone I'm sorry, even though I will email them myself soon. I know it's shitty of me. But I didn't know how else to get away fom you. Away from this.
T