Oh, yeah, everything is unbeta'd. All my mistakes are my own. Also, didn't do quite as many re-reads and edits so there will probably be more mistakes than usual.
Disclaimer: Kripke owns all Supernatural characters. I'm only borrowing them.
Pairing: Dean/Castiel - very graphic. This is my first attempt at something like this because this muse wouldn't leave me alone. Please let me know what you think, constructively.
Overall Warnings: Rated M for swearing, graphic sexual content with S and M undertones, implied forced sexual torture and other adult subject matter.
This chapter is mainly Swearing and other adult subject matter.
Author's note: One more quick about this chapter, I'M SORRY, I'M SO SO SORRY! BLAME THE MUSE! (ducks back down to hide)
Chapter 16 – The Consequences
Dean grimaced at his image in the mirror of the small apartment bathroom and closed his eyes as yet another wave of nausea swirled around in his gut. He'd already thrown up everything from today for sure and he seriously thought he saw something he ate two days ago but he couldn't swear to it. His head hung low in self-loathing. An almost overwhelming impulse to slam his fist in the mirror so that he wouldn't have to look at himself anymore was extremely difficult to ignore.
Nausea bubbled up again but he clenched his jaw and made himself leave the room. He stalked out of the bathroom and through the bedroom, intent on getting out of her apartment as fast as he could. He knew there were plenty of places to throw up on the way back to Bobby's, especially since he had such a long walk ahead of him.
He didn't spare a single glance toward the extremely sated barmaid asleep in the bed. If he did, he knew he'd definitely vomit on her. Not that his current condition was her fault. No, if anything, she was the only truly innocent person in all this mess.
No, he blamed everything horrible thing that he was feeling on the truly guilty party involved, Balthazar. That dick is the one who pushed it. That dick was the one who lied and ended up watching to make sure it happened. That dick . . .
Dean growled low then swallowed a groan as more bile climbed his throat. He made it out her door before quickly turning to the side then fertilizing the bushes. He spat out the remaining truly awful aftertaste in his mouth. He needed a sprite and a very, very, long, scalding hot shower. He knew he was being ridiculous but that didn't change the way he felt.
One of the worst parts about all this was that before an hour ago, he could still believe that his time, times, with Cass didn't mean anything. He could still believe that nothing inside of him had fundamentally changed. He could still pretend that he . . .
Hell, who was he kidding? He knew all along that it would come to this. He knew this is how it would all end up. After all, who knew better than he what a man whore he was. The fact that he really hadn't wanted to do this didn't matter in the long run. He was what he was and there was no changing that fact this late in the game.
Thinking back, he could see every chance he'd had to avoid this but he came by his stubborn pride honestly. It came directly from his father. It was genetic, damn it. It was, . . . who was he kidding? It was all him.
He spotted a twenty-four hour convenience store so he detoured inside and grabbed a ginger ale. He bought it quickly and left immediately after. He knew he could call Sam or Bobby to pick him up but he couldn't take being around anyone right now. He'd already been with someone he had no business being with. Stupid, stupid, stubborn pride.
When Balthazar has poofed him back to the bar, he'd let the barmaid take him back to her apartment. He'd planned on just leaving her there with some excuse, like a family emergency or any number of other ones that he could have quickly made up on the spot. But, no. Of course, things couldn't go the way he wanted. When had they ever?
No, when they got to her apartment, he'd felt eyes on him and knew that Balthazar was watching to make sure he followed through with it. Backed into a corner, he mentally cussed out the damn obedient angel as he did what was expected of him and pulled her into his arms. Everything felt normal, even though he didn't really want to be here. His mind was too busy with Castiel and all the things associated with him, like his punishment, his order, his . . . aw, hell. He really needed to stop that and pay attention to the woman in his arms.
He stared down into her soft brown eyes and ignored the instinct that yelled this was all wrong. Her eyes should be a deep, brilliant blue, so deep he lost himself in them. He quickly shut down that instinct, slamming a mental door on that voice and locking it up forever.
Their lips touched and she quickly deepened the kiss while Dean tried to process all of the conflicting sensations which were vying for his attention. The gentle, damp, warmth of her lips against his was comforting and nice as always. He automatically took control of it as he thrust his tongue into her mouth, exploring her mouth, as her hands explored his body. In this relationship, he was dominant and he knew it. No blurred lines here.
Warm and gentle sensations grew but they quickly changed and mutated into something unknown and dark. Soon his body, his nerves, were sending extremely conflicting data. On the one side, all of this felt just as pleasurable and fun as always, like every other one night stand that he'd ever done. On the other hand, however, his skin and blood began to boil and crawl throughout his body, like rats crawling around inside him. God, he hated rats. Before he knew it, creepy, crawly became insistent irritation and an almost painful sensation.
He yanked away and narrowed his eyes at her then his stomach clenched. He wondered if this was something supernatural or something else. He knew, though, if he tried to test her overtly, he so wasn't going to get laid.
"What's wrong?" She wondered hesitantly.
He could easily believe that he had an unhealthy look on his face so he immediately put his game face back on with a winning smile. He smirked easily while he reassured her softly, "Nothing, sweetheart. Just had a bad thought. Totally unrelated. But I'm back now so where were we?"
She smiled easily and grabbed his hand, pulling him to her bedroom. Ignoring his clenching stomach and a deep urge to vomit, he allowed her to take him into her lair. He searched his feelings and could still feel eyes watching. He closed his eyes briefly at the knowledge that he couldn't stop this, especially when he'd convinced them that he was totally on board with it.
She turned toward him as they reached her bedside and pulled him down for another in depth French kiss. Her eagerness easily ignored the slight hesitance on his part. All she cared about was the fact that this gorgeous man was hers for the taking.
He closed his eyes and allowed instinct to take over while he mentally combatted the dark emotions flowing through him right now. He fought to suppress it all, including the building anger over being cornered and watched as well as the embarrassment over the same. But the most perplexing and debilitating was the soul deep pain searing through the back of his mind. It wasn't enough that he couldn't perform, otherwise she would have noticed that something was amiss by now since his jeans just hit the floor. It was, however, enough to let him know that there was something seriously wrong.
At that thought, he almost called a halt to the whole thing but the eyes prodded him on. He seriously felt trapped by them, like he couldn't leave even if he wanted to. Whatever their plan was, he had to do this for it. So why go along with it? He questioned himself even as his almost nude body fell back on her bed at the push she gave him. All he had left was his boxers.
Then it hit him hard and he finally acknowledged that, deep down inside of him, he wanted to see for himself what would happen. He needed to see if he could actually go through with this. He had to know if everything was still the same. He simply had to know.
Now he definitely knew. Boy, did he ever know. And, man, did he wish that he didn't.
-SPN-SPN-SPN-DESTRIEL- SPN -
He trudged slowly up Bobby's porch steps quite a while later. Predawn light barely taunted the deep shadows of one of the blackest nights of his life. He had stopped at a park sometime during his trek and just sat there, his mind totally numb and empty at this point. He didn't know how long he'd sat there or, even if he'd been awake the whole time. Finally, the driving urge to pass out in his own bed, even if it was at Bobby's, overwhelmed him, driving him back here.
He knew for a fact that several undead creatures had more energy than he could muster right now and he didn't care. He didn't even care if one of them showed up right in front of him at the moment. He would have been an easy kill. That whole 'don't go quietly into that dark night' was a load of crap as far as he was concerned at this point in time.
He quietly opened the door, hoping that the others were asleep and that he could get upstairs without seeing anyone. Of course, as his previous night's luck should have warned him, he wasn't that lucky. The sight of Bobby leaning against the kitchen door frame staring at him made that abundantly clear once again.
"Well, don't you look a hell of a lot worse than something that the cat dragged in and hacked up," Bobby observed with concern. "Good night? What did you do? Drink some beer?"
Dean flinched self-consciously while he tried to swallow back the bile rising to his throat. He forced it back down and rasped hoarsely, "I'm taking a shower." He turned his back on Bobby and climbed up the stairs slowly, holding onto the handrail to help pull himself up. He just wanted this day to end and never see the light of day again.
"Just don't fall down the stairs and hurt yourself. Breakfast will be ready when you get out," Bobby called out after him.
"Not eating," Dean informed him emotionlessly. "Sleeping." He heard Bobby grunt in acknowledgement behind him.
He reached the top of the stairs at the same time he heard the guest room door open. He ignored Sam's call, quickly shutting the bathroom door behind him and locking it. He turned on the shower to heat up the water and drown out any further attempt at communicating with him.
He shucked all his clothes off and climbed into the scalding hot water without a second thought. He gritted his teeth against the burn while letting the water scald his skin. He needed the pain. He wanted the pain. He deserved this and worse. He quickly grabbed the soap and scrubbed his body clean of any remains from last night.
After the third round of scrubbing, the water became tepid and he was past exhausted. He turned off the water and quickly toweled off. He grabbed up his dirty clothes and wrapped a towel around his waist. He opened the door and saw that he had a clear path to the bedroom. He swiftly entered the room then shut the door. He tossed his clothes down by it after removing his personal items from them. He stashed his stuff deep in his duffel.
Finally, he fell onto his bed face down, ready to pass out, but this position wasn't as comfortably as he remembered. He rolled to his side and curled up into a fetal position with an arm under his pillow. He closed his eyes and prayed for Castiel as well as no dreams. More than anything, he wanted to forget last night ever happened.
-SPN-SPN-SPN-DESTRIEL- SPN -
Castiel turned to look at his brother for what might be the last time. He nodded to Gabriel. Gabriel nodded back solemnly, once again in his role as archangel and big brother. He raised his arms and the massive door-like image opened. Gabriel placed a comforting hand on his little brother's shoulder then dropped it. Castiel straightened his shoulders and walked through the opened. The image disappeared along with Castiel in the next moment. Gabriel sighed heavily and added his prayers to Dean's as he left to finish his hunt.
-SPN-SPN-SPN-DESTRIEL- SPN -
Castiel stood in his favorite Heaven. He saw the red kite and started to walk forward when he heard a movement behind him. He turned and saw Joshua standing beside the large oak tree. Joshua smiled warmly and greeted, "Hello, Castiel."
Castiel narrowed his eyes and verified, "Joshua?"
"Yes, brother," Joshua confirmed then his expression grew stern. "You have a lot to make up for, Castiel."
Castiel thought for a moment then guessed ambivalently, "He sent you in His stead."
"Yes, He did."
"So, He cannot even look at me," Castiel assumed with immense despair.
Joshua contemplated him for a moment then disagreed, "That is not it, Castiel. You know He has His own ways. This is one of them."
"So what is this then?"
Joshua exhaled heavily then questioned curiously, "What did you want it to be?"
Castiel stalled with obvious confusion, "I do not understand the question."
Joshua stared at him with patient understanding. He remarked confidentially, "You were always so curious about them, Father's humans. Perhaps a little too much but that was just you. We know that you watched some of them more carefully than others but that wasn't a bad thing. It didn't surprise us when you volunteered to rescue him or many of the things you did to keep him, and the rest of the world, safe from Lucifer, and himself. That was expected and even relied on by so many who were too afraid to take the chances you that you did."
He paused a moment, letting that sink in, before he continued sternly, "But this past year, Castiel . . . this past year, you knew better. Your own doubts told you that."
Castiel steeled himself defiantly, preparing his argument, but Joshua cut him off harshly, "You know that you knew better because you begged for help, for a sign."
Castiel narrowed his eyes at that remembered disappointment and snapped defiantly, "Yes, I did. And I received the same silence as always!"
"No!" Joshua stated forcefully. "You received what you asked for. You just didn't want to see it. You didn't want to hear it. You didn't want to trust it. You received the answers to your prayers and ignored it, just as your human does. As most creatures do.
Castiel frowned heavily and shook his head. "I received no . . ."
Joshua interrupted abruptly, "What happened after you prayed, after you begged for a sign?" He paused expectantly but saw that Castiel still wasn't with him. He huffed irritably, "Your partner in crime, your demon, kidnapped Dean's family."
"His foster family," Castiel corrected softly.
Joshua narrowed his eyes at the stubborn angel and reiterated firmly, "His family. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, Ben is his son, Castiel." Castiel did not to that fact so Joshua continued with obvious distaste, "Crowley betrayed your trust and kidnapped humans, innocent humans, that you explicitly told him where off limits."
"How is -"
"How is that a sign?" Joshua finished incredulous at the stubborn little angel who refused to see what was in front of him. "What bigger sign was there that you would be betrayed? That you trusted something untrustworthy? When has that ever been good sign? Was it a good sign when Sam trusted Ruby? It was obvious to you then. Why is it not now?"
"See, Castiel, that's the thing about freewill. Just because you can do things, doesn't mean that you should," Joshua reinforced with emphasis. "A lesson I believe your human tried to teach you as well."
"You have repeatedly called him that," Castiel observed curiously, slightly redirecting the conversation. "Why?"
Joshua arched his eyebrows and wondered facetiously, "You really think we didn't know? When even Balthazar noticed? That should tell you. I know that you are suppressing your end but it still shows."
"He let me . . .," Castiel trailed off in dreaded wonder.
Joshua stared at him intently as he repeated knowingly, "Freewill, Castiel. Just because you could . . ."
"Doesn't mean that I should," Castiel finished as his voice lowered to an almost whisper. Unfortunately, he'd learned this lesson too late. "He is to be punished as well?" He questioned sickly in a hoarse voice.
Joshua cocked his head to the side and reminded emotionlessly, "He was the one who led you into this mess, was he not?"
"No," Castiel argued forcefully.
Joshua narrowed his eyes at the open defiance and fire in the angel's eyes. He stared for a long moment before he verified softly, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," Castiel bit out harshly.
"So you will stand alone in this?" Joshua confirmed robotically.
"Yes."
"Would he say the same if he was here now?"
"Yes," Castiel admitted reluctantly and tried not to let his shoulders slump.
Joshua stared for a long moment before closing his eyes. After a time, he opened them again and demanded formally, "What is your punishment, Castiel?"
"What do you mean?" Castiel questioned with a great deal of confusion.
"What. Is. Your. Punishment?" Joshua repeated slowly.
"I . . . I don't understand the question," Castiel admitted, totally without a clue what the question meant.
"What is not to understand?" Joshua prodded unrelentingly. "How would you punish an angel such as yourself? One who disobeyed orders? Repeatedly? One you gave second chances to? Repeatedly? One blasphemed you and usurped your position as the one true Creator because he was too blind to see your signs? One who thought he could do a better job than you? You assumed His right so now I question you, what is your punishment?"
"I . . . I am not . . .," Castiel sputtered in horror.
"No, you are not!" Joshua hissed forcefully. "But you assumed! You took His position then you murdered! In your own name. You wrecked vengeance mercilessly on all creatures." Castiel hung his head shamefully, unable to deny the charges against him. But Joshua wasn't allowed to back down. He commanded sternly, "You assumed the right and title so you will now feel your own justice since you felt qualified in this regard. Now, tell me what your punishment is?"
Castiel closed his eyes against the stinging burn of truth in Joshua's words and felt the presence of his Father within them. His eyes burned hot and moisture gathered behind his lids. He completely understood everything now, now when it was too late. He swallowed thickly, picturing Dean in his mind one more time and mentally said goodbye, before he answered the only way that he could.
He raised his head slowly and stared Joshua right in the eyes as he answered in a firm, emotionless voice, "Death."
"By your command," Joshua accepted solemnly with a slight nod, staring directly into his eye.
An angel sword being drawn shattered the peace of his last moment in existence.
Please read and review.
Again, I'm very, very sorry but the stupid muse wouldn't listen to me no matter how much I argued. Stupid, stupid muse. Stupid, stupid Balthazar. GRRRR! The muse is in timeout until she can figure a way out of this that I can live with!